adult step kids
why do grown up step children think its ok to disrespect just because they are of age now? My SD is 21 now and lived with us for 2yrs after her mom passed away in 2004. We never had any problems with one another until recently, I would say the last 2-3 years. After she dropped out of college and moved in with her girlfriend she has become quite the opposite of what she was raised to be. Today I am needing to vent about her RUDE and very hurtful comment to me. Just a quick back round information, 2 months ago she was put in jail TWICE in a row for assult on her girlfriend (not the 1st time) and her girlfriends mother. They put restraining orders on one another, yeah the whole 9 yards. She lost her job due to the situation and has been denied jobs because of the pending charges. She claims she needed money to pay her cell bill but yet she has money to get out with her girlfriend (whom she is not even supposed to be around) and go out drinking. So she text me to ask for the money. This is usually the only time she texts or calls her father or myself, when she needs funds or is in jail. I simply text her back: I am sure Irena (girlfriend)wouldn't mind prospect employers calling you on her cell. She didn't think I knew they were seeing one another again. This set her off. She proceeded to tell me that I will not talk to her as if she was my child and so forth. We are 6 years apart and I have never tried to replace or act like her mother. She seems to think however that we are on the same level...not so. I let it be and did not respond. So this morning I sent her a message to let her know that we'd be in town for a few days in case she wanted to stop by and see her siblings. I get this response: Too bad u guys r cmn with them.. Do myself n u a favor n dnt say anything else to me...! Really and I am supposed to be the childish one? $$ is the only thing that keeps her happy. Take that away and she no longer needs or wants you. This is not the first time she has stopped speaking to us but I am sick of it. Why do I feel so hurt?....
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Steperg, just wondering how
Steperg, just wondering how does your DH feel about banning the disrespectful skids from the house? I would love to tell my disrespectful SD that she is not allowed in my home, but I know that my DH wouldn't hear of it.
The 6-year age difference
The 6-year age difference caught my eye; I'm sure that doesn't help as it would be a lot easier for her to see you as a peer vs. any type of authority figure.
Not that that makes it OK, though.
seems like everyone is more
seems like everyone is more concerned with our age difference than the problem. Your comment however isn't as disappointing as some of the others. Calling my marriage nasty, not you but others.....I thought this was a place to vent and get insightful feed back NOT approval of my relationship status.
no no no no, not STILL a
no no no no, not STILL a problem. A problem since she has hooked up with this last girlfriend. That physically fight and put one another in jail then expect others to pay for what they have damaged or bail bonds.
I wasn't trying to fault you
I wasn't trying to fault you for your age-I didn't do any extra math (yet) so I don't know how old your DH is, or whatever. I'm just pointing out a factor that is part of the problem, and to be honest, I sympathize. I know plenty of women just under my age (I'm 25) that are handfuls, and I can't imagine if I was linked to one of them the way you are (which is physically possible, as BF is 37).
In your situation I think its going to be very important that your maturity level is high enough to demand respect.
I know how you feel... I'm
I know how you feel... I'm dealing with a similar problem with my own SD32 who is only communicating with me through her dad and keeps her kids away from me because she knows that hurts me. I just want to say to you that the only way to deal with a snot like her is to disengage. I would make sure she didn't have a way in to my house, I wouldn't call her, and don't give her a dime.
People like our SD's will use you up. They are completely selfish and only call when they want something anyway. And they get REALLY pissed off if you call them on their horrible life choices and stupid decisions. Mine tries to hide things from us all the time and then thinks we're being nosy when we find out the truth. Of course, she still expects us to clean up her messes financially. Good luck!!
YOU ARE EXACTLY what I was
YOU ARE EXACTLY what I was hoping for. Someone who actually reads!! She lives close to her grandparents (father's side) she is constantly taking $$ from them that they don't have but her grandfather cannot tell her no, until last week he mentioned she had taken him for granted for the last time. She is cutting ties with so many of her loved ones (old and young, blood relative or not). I just keep my faith in GOD that he will guide her. ALL of us are just worried due to all the trouble she's been in with the law lately.
I hope you don't think that
I hope you don't think that you were helping with your comment. She has never had a problem with my age, until I wouldn't give her my hard earned $$. Obviously you did not understand the situation.
I agree in that your money
I agree in that your money should stay in your pocket, & your husband really should be the one communicating things with his daughter.
even if we were 21 & 21, two
even if we were 21 & 21, two ppl can be the same age and be worlds apart in maturity & responsibility. I was never the norm when it comes to maturity. I appreciate the effort in your advice comment however not exactly what I thought you (readers) would concentrate on, age!
"however not exactly what I
"however not exactly what I thought you (readers) would concentrate on, age!"
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Honestly, age likely is one of the reasons she treats you the way she does. Not that her treating you disrespectfully is appropriate or excused, but it's not surprising.
Putting myself in your SD's
Putting myself in your SD's shoes, I really think I would feel you were being patronizing & trying to play "mother" & she has to be the kid as the 2 of you play house together. I'm not trying to be rude or offensive. That's the only example I could think of. That's how I think it'd make me feel, & I'd probably be pissed too.
If you could put yourself in
If you could put yourself in her shoes you would know that no one is playing house here. She is asking me for $$ and because I wouldn't give it to her she's pissed. Once again never a problem with our age. A lot of you have taken this out of context. Your damn right I don't want to play house with an adult child. I can tell this was a huge MISTAKE. Even HER MOTHER before passing said I was good for my husband and proudly presented me to others as her daughter's step mother. I never asked to be given that title....WE are still a family and this is part of the roller coaster.
I didn't say you weren't good
I didn't say you weren't good for your husband. I'm only saying that given the details of your situation, it's not surprising that she has not taken to you & that you are not all a big happy family. You being so close to her age, she likely views you as her peer. Only, being her stepmother...it's like co-workers in an office. I have equals I work with. If my supervisor comes to me & tries to advise me on what I could do to better myself in my position here, I'll take the advice & go with it. If an equal co-worker comes to me giving me the same advice, my reaction is something like, "Who the hell are you to be telling me what to do?". She probably sees you the way I would see my co-worker.
Her feeling the way she does is likely going to be a struggle in your family just because of the details.
Well.....I'm going to go
Well.....I'm going to go another whole direction on this one. You said she was fairly easy to get along w/until a couple of years ago? She's asking you for money, g'parents for money? Was in some trouble with the law? You may want to look at the possibility that she may be taking drugs. I'm not saying that, I'm just saying that this sounds a lot like a kid in trouble with drugs.
The age things...c'mon you guys, rude is rude. If my same age girlfriend were rude to me, it'd still just be rude. She's not saying that it's unacceptable because she's the 'stepmother' she's saying it's just unacceptable.
And BF: Why are you so mean?
you are still missing the
you are still missing the POINT.....$$$$$$$$ when I said I would not pay her cell bill then she threw a fit. She treats her grand parents the SAME WAY and they are in their sixties. Wrong experience.....
Yes thank you! Insightful
Yes thank you! Insightful comment. She drinks A LOT. Her family closes to her has mentioned several times to us that she is loosing control of that habit. That's when her and her lover begin to fight and argue. Then when they are sober they hook back up. I forgot to mention her girlfriend has a 4yr old daughter that witness's these fights. All we (not just me and her father) want is her to slow down the drinking, make sure she takes care of her fines and attends court.
"All we (not just me and her
"All we (not just me and her father) want is her to slow down the drinking, make sure she takes care of her fines and attends court."
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This is another example of what comes across as you trying to play the motherly role. It should be up to her dad to talk to her about fines & court. It makes it sound like you see her as a child, & she's not.
so because I don't want her
so because I don't want her to end up in prison or dead somewhere I am being Motherly?!?!?!?!!? then so BE IT. Exactly where did you read that her father is not involved? He is very much involved. If you haven't noticed the websites title is Step Talk. Where step parents can vent.
I'm sorry you're taking
I'm sorry you're taking offense. As a stepmother I am concerned about my husband's children too. I understand that. I'm saying that from HER perspective...because things SHOULD be looked at from ALL sides...she probably views it as you being motherly. As a woman so close to her in age, that's POSSIBLY the way it makes her feel. Why can't you accept that as a possibility?
I didn't say her father wasn't involved. I would appreciate you not putting words in my mouth. I said he should probably be the one communicating with her. Phone calls, text messages, offers to let her see her siblings, etc would probably be better accepted if they came from her father. Especially since you know she has a problem with you. You continuing to do these things is you rubbing the situation in her face.
Of course, if you don't want to improve your situation & you just enjoy complaining about it, by all means, be my guest.
Oh and...easy ways to tell (I
Oh and...easy ways to tell (I used to be in the bar business)
Painkillers-pupils are large and it's kind of a curve...very talkative and social for a couple of hours and then very irritable when they start coming down.
Coke/Crack- pupils are very small, you'll see a lot of jaw movement or fidgeting, happy at first, then a kind of aggitated fidgety
Heroin or downers: Again large pupils, more of a spacey, slurry kind of thing, almost drunk.
"The age things...c'mon you
"The age things...c'mon you guys, rude is rude. If my same age girlfriend were rude to me, it'd still just be rude."
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I wasn't trying to be rude. I was just trying to point out why SD may be feeling the way she does. I was saying that the age situation could possibly be an explaination. I never said it was an excuse. Maybe it sounds unfair, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.
If your same age girlfriend was married to your dad & was inserting herself into the situation between you & your partner, I guarantee you wouldn't take kindly to it. You may not be so rude about it, but you'd probably have issues with it.
I can agree with that. The
I can agree with that. The age thing may make her feel entitled, but they didn't have problems before. I dunno, new friend, different behavior.
Why not let your DH deal with
Why not let your DH deal with her?
I agree with Zuzie rude is rude and your DH should not allow his daughter to treat his wife this way. Let DH contact her. When you do see her - take the high road: be courteous and respectful. That does not mean you have to take her disrepect - if she harrasses you, leave.
If the age difference was not a problem in the beginning - I doubt it is the reason for the bad behavior now.
You may only be 6 years apart but maturity is not measured in years.
THANK YOU! Her father does
THANK YOU! Her father does deal with her. It just so happened that she contacted ME for $$$ and it went sour. I have been in her life since she was 12 and we get along great. She had a step father she was living with after her mother passed and chose to come live with us while she finished HS. Why would she want to move in with us if she didn't like me. Like all teens they have their moments but I have always loved her and stayed respectful. Honestly she is all talk or text I should say over the phone because when we do see each other after one of her fits, she is completely normal as if nothing ever happened. LOL
Sounds like my SD. After she
Sounds like my SD.
After she has one of her dramatic meltdowns, she's fine and acts like nothing happened. I finally had one too many and have since distanced myself from her.
I wish that I hadn't had to do that and I hope that it doesn't happen to you - sounds like you've had a good relationship before and hopefully you will again. Let your DH handle the hard stuff - she is his daughter. You're the SM and you can continue to work on your relationship with her after he deals with the attitude.
Yes you are right. I
Yes you are right. I truthfully only text her because last time her father was supposed to tell her we were coming down he forgot. So right before we were leaving town she asked that I not leave that up to him. She really wanted to see ALL of us. So I was just keeping my word that I would do so because at the end of the day, THIS TO SHALL PASS! I will honor her newly revised request. Although I will miss all her I miss you and love you text, distance is our best option. She is a good girl and I have faith she will come around. Thank you!