I dont know what to do....
Ok, so i meet my step child when she was 5 (she is now 13) and we have always had problems, her real dad is the biggest deadbeat. He is in his 30's, still lives with his mom. Which im surprised seeing he stole about $30,000 in credit cards. (his father wants him out but the mother talked him into letting him stay so he could pay off the cards). This man has never ever payed full support, he always goes months without paying than after about 6 months tells my wife he can pay about 1/2 of what he owes if she forgets the rest. she always has because she doesnt want trouble and so on. He has every other weekend and has not taken her in about 3 months for his full weekend, there has been about 4 of those weekends where he has not taken her at all. This has always been the case since I meet my SD, when she was real young he would go months with out even calling her. He has so many arrest for assult (i really dont know why he is not in jail)and is dealing with one now where he knocked some college kids teeth out. he talks to her in a verbal abusive way ( saying stuff like, call me when you want a relationship, and makes her call him so he can feel wanted, turns things around so she has to say good things about him and than makes it all her fault). so so much more. My proble is that every time this stuff goes on, she is on my shoulder, telling me she wishes i was her dad, and so on. and everytime i have to watch her get talked to so disrepectfully by him and she gives into his "need for att." and go's back to things like he never disrespected her at all. When ever this man's girlfriend is around he doesnt take her (which is 20 by the way). I have feeling's and they always seem to be hurt by her. I know this sounds insane, But my feelings are always hurt, i feel like im just a throw away dad when ever HE doesnt want to be .i want to be her Dad. a real dad that supports his kids, doesnt belittle them. I have 2 boys that are mine and we have a great relationship. My wife and i went tru a breakup and moved apart because of the stepchild (we found that we were always together and because we never dealt with any issues that involed the step child we had a great time, no fights. nothing but fun. so we got back together) and that was 4 years ago. i dont want to lose my wife and my boys again, and my child on the way. but this kid keeps hurting me. I dont know why, i feel like i should be the grown up, have no feelings towards this and just ignore it all. but yesterday i found my self telling her to stop, and i said "im your mothers husband, and your brothers father. U have decided to call that man that always disrepects you DAD. That is your choice and i will not sit here and watch all this stuff that goes on, I will not sit here and watch him walk you down the isle in 10 years while i sit there. Im the one thats always there for you, but yet he always gets the credit for it all. He never goes to any of your games, plays, ect. I do. and all i get from you is "my name" while he gets the title of DAD and FATHER. And im done, your problems with him are yours, not mine any more. He drags your mother tru the mud, belittles you and her, and im done with it all." And thats when i relized I want the title, I want the title of her DAD. And i just dont know if thats right. But as strong as i am, big as i am, I cant take the emotional stress that comes from all this. ( and i took care of the problem with him and my wife awhile back. By court order he isnt allowed to talk to her, the courts are now taking his support right outta his check and he cant put my wife down anymore) But he has the right to talk to his daughter and calls her on her cell. Im sorry to go on and on, but i need help. i just feel like my wife doesnt understand it from my view, but i refuse to lose it all again over her and her dads issues. Im even the one who goes to her parents night at school because HE hits on her teachers. he pays for nothing, all he had to do was buy a $50 calculater for school in sept, we ended up buying it for her last week because we found out he never did. I just dont know what to do. p.s. there has never been any known phsical abuse from the father to the daughter. ( if there were i would have put him under along time ago.)
Sorry
you're going thru this. Sometimes (most of the time) being a step parent is a thankless job. Be careful with giving all of your emotional self. It will hurt less if your're not quite as giving.
Ah, teenagers!
I have two teenaged stepdaughters, as well, and although my situation is very different from yours, one thing is the same for most of us stepparents of teenaged children... we feel like they don't show us proper respect, especially considering all we do for them. Try to keep in mind that children (especially teenagers) are selfish beings by nature. They come into this world totally dependent and, if all goes according to plan, become more and more independent as they grow, age and mature. With that growth and maturity, they will hopefully see things differently. I didn't have any idea what my mother went through having me as her daughter until I had a daughter myself. I couldn't have related to the pain a child can cause a parent until I had children myself. I have great hope that someday - SOMEDAY! - all these inconsiderate, disrespectful, selfish teenagers will grow up and finally see what we have been giving them all along, even though it was not our responsibility to give them a thing. In the meantime, when she comes crying to you about what an ass her father is, you tell her this: Honey, I love you and I'm sorry your father treated you badly, but you need to discuss this with him. Give her a hug, then walk away. It's okay to detach a little when the feelings become overwhelming. It's okay to disengage... her problems with her father are between her, him and her mother. It's not your fight. You may not have the title and maybe you never will, but you know the score in your heart and I'm sure she does, too, even if she doesn't recognize it now.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
kds
My brother has gone throught the same thing with his Skds. Try to remember that just because she calls him dad does not mean that she loves him or respects him. If you want to walk her down the aisle you can do that and BDad will probably be long gone by then so it won't be an issue.
Jedi, the ability to
Jedi, the ability to disengage can really help to keep things in perspective. Anne's advise is probably the best you can get. Remain secure in your role with your SD, despite her turmoil. My guess is she's terribly confused about how to love and like her deadbeat dad.
For many of us with crappy parents, we come to a point where we allow ourselves to not like or even love our parents. I don't think your SD is at that point. Coming to you with her problems may be her safest haven, but Anne's advise is good. Remain sympathetic, but detached and keep this between her and her dad. She just may not have the tools right now on how to deal with her feelings about this other than complain. She's only 13.
As to picking up the slack, I would do the same for my skids. I think that's because most of us don't want to see children suffer or do without, so we fill the role that someone else should fill. Do we resent it? Sometimes, because it seems thankless. But we do it because we know it's the right thing to do.
This I know for sure that as your SD matures and reconciles her confusion about a situation she has no control over, she will honor and love you, knowing you were a constant in her life. Be proud of what you can do for her, and teach yourself how to detach emotionally. Reward yourself with knowing you are doing the right thing, regardless of the recognition you get now. It will come.