How do you respond????
I have a question that stems off of Druzilla's blog- It's ok if you don't love the kid!!!
I am needing some ideas on how to respond to my sd's.
I have 2 sd's age 12, 10 they are good kids, really don't act out too much at our home. I care for them very much and feel very sorry for them because of the problems that they face with bm and her actions. I have learned that I cannot solve their problems and it is truly best if I stay out of them and let dh deal with it the best way he can. I do not feel love for them, and I know that it is ok. But these girls tell me that they love me. How do I respond? I have told them that I love them too. But I realize that I cannot keep telling them that when I don't really feel that way. I just don't know how else to respond! DH knows that I care for them but knows that I do not have a real bond with them, due to bm and her problems, I keep a distance because of her.
So how can I respond positively to my sd's when they say that without hurting their feelings. Should I keep telling them I do when they say it. Is there some other way I could respond? My bd's and I are close, always have been. And I know that my sd's see that, but my bd's I gave birth to, I am their mother. I love them beyond words.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I feel like every time I tell sd's that I love them I am lying to them, and I truly am, because I don't feel that way.
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IMO, there are different
IMO, there are different levels of love, just because you don't love them the same way you love your own children, doesn't mean that deeply caring for them and their best interest doesn't equate to love, because it does. Just not the same level of love you have for your children. As I'm sure their love for you isn't at the same level of their love for their Dad.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
You really clarified that
You really clarified that for me too because I feel the same as the original poster, my skids tell me they love me and I say it back but I don't feel it. Love does come at different levels.
" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore
Yeah that's a tough one. I
Yeah that's a tough one. I say keep telling them that you love them. In some ways you prolly do love them. It sounds like u r using the love u have for ur kids as ur measuring stick. That isn't fair to u or the stepkids. I think there r varying degrees to love. U probably only love them to the first degree even tho u love ur kids to an infinite degree. But love to the first degree is still love, right?
I agree with Middlemom on
I agree with Middlemom on this. It actually sounds like you DO love them, just on a different level. When I say "I Love You" it DOES mean "I care for you". You say you do care for them very much, so to me, you DO love them.
I would keep saying it, because I think it's true.
But honestly, it gives me a
But honestly, it gives me a sick feeling when I say it.I truly don't feel like I love them, just like I am fond of them from a distance.Because if I let my guard down too much then I seemed to get burned, mostly by bm. I know that might come off as horrible. I know I let bm's actions shade my view of my relationship with them. But through many trials I have found it is better to just be dad's wife, I don't carry the responsiblity for them I am just around.DH deals with all of it.
...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King
I have one questions. If you
I have one questions. If you heard they were seriously hurt (God forbid) what do you think you reaction would be? It seems to me you love them on some level but you taint that will feelings of BM. If you stripped away BM from the picture at least momentarily and saw them as themselves not as products of BM would your feelings change? They may not and that is completely ok, just asking.
Honestly I have thought of
Honestly I have thought of that before, and yes I would be upset. It is just so hard because bm screws with everyone, especially her kids. I have tried very hard to have a good relationship with the girls, and I got burned about 1 1/2 years ago by sd's, truly think they got caught in the middle but don't know. Now I am so gun shy that having a true relationship is hard. I can see where especially youngest sd has traits of bm and I don't want to get caught up in that mess. I truly love dh and accepted that he had children. BM didn't start her massive problems till we got married.
My gut just tells me that telling them that is wrong, although I feel like I have to when they say it.
I guess maybe what everyone is saying is true. My view has been limited and I was looking at it in the way I love my bd's. No I will never love my sd's the way I love my bd's. But I still must say I don't feel real comfortable telling sd's that I love them.
...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King
Sometimes I wonder if they
Sometimes I wonder if they feel that way either, or if it is just a learned response. Like hi and bye. They are so turmoiled alot of the time. You can see it in their actions. Like all the crap with bm is their fault. BM tries to envolve everyone to make dh look bad. DH is so passive and doesn't have a clue on how to tell bm shut up sit down and get a clue herself. That is why I distance myself. Because I don't want bd's caught up in her manipulation games.The more I have no dealings with that whole situation and the further I distance myself from all of it. The happier and better my relationship is with dh. I work so much that most of the time around sd's equals up to 3 days a month honestly. So there really isn't much time to bond.
...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King
Would it be weird to come up
Would it be weird to come up with another saying that only you and SD's share? Tell them that you know they love BM and you do not want to impede on that, and since you and SD's have a special realtionship (just a way to twist it) let's come up with a special way of saying how we feel about each other. They would feel special and you wouldn't feel sick. My sister and I did this growing up. We said "Bespeen" I do not remember how we came up with it, but anyway, how would that seem to you? Maybe you could come up with a make believe funny word to share with them? Just a thought.
That is an awesome
That is an awesome idea....thank you so much. Now that could be something I could definately live with:)
...the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it. - The Lion King
Cool, let me know what you
Cool, let me know what you come up with and how it is received. I actually think that this could improve your relationship with SD's because you will share a cute inside word, KWIM? Good Luck!
Bugga Bugga Boo means I Love
Bugga Bugga Boo means I Love You
I thought this might stick with my boys for when they get older and are too embarrassed to give mommy a kiss when I drop them off at school. LOL