You are here

New to the group

wickedwitchtai's picture

Hi everyone out there! I have been a stepmom for 3 yrs now. i have 3 SK ages 9, 11, 14. As most of you can realize I am very disrespected in my home, and tonight was bad. my husband has been saying from the start that since I am the one who is here during the day while he is working that I have to use discipline. I have a background in child care development and a 6 yr old child of my own. the 14 yr old has never liked me, and me having had a stepfather growing up have always tried to understand what he is going through. My husband grew up in the normal household with both parents. Anyway, I have been the 14 yr old punching bag since day one. it doesnt help that he had never had any discipline before ever. as his parents never knew what the hell they were doing. i have always tried to allow 14 yr old to be a teenager, but there r days, most days really where he is scary. he gets in my face and makes fists and screams n truly hates me. I am sick of being the one who has to discipline him and so then being the bad guy. anytime that I say Im done you do all the punishment my husband flips out and said how that lets 14 yr old win and thats not have a mother acts. although, when i do punish, my husband lets son off the hook because he screams and whins and says im lieing about what has reallu been going on. I need help. i love my husband and we never fight when the kids arent here. i dont want to lose him. i am very stressed right now. i couldnt believe there was this site. i truly hope to have some good advice and maybe even some that i can show my husband. thanks to anyone that replies!!!!!


global2009's picture

Your husband must step in and stand by your side. This will not work if a 14 year old thinks his father will let him off the hook. The most important: Your husband is the biological father!!!!

Unfortunately, this will be a process (slow process) since your SS is 14 and because he has not had proper discipline. The nice thing is that there is a lot of hope, but your husband has to deal with his son.

All the best

Selkie's picture

Sounds like you have your hands full with the 14 yo. Your story is so similar to many others here that I'm sure you'll find some good advice.

The biggest factor I and many others have found to be important to step-family "success" is the relationship between you and your husband. You both need to be in the same mind-set with the same expectations and consequences planned out. My FH and I had a great deal of difficulty with his teenaged daughters. Their behaviour was pretty rotten. And FH assumed that I would be the one to deal with them, since I'm female and have a daughter of my own. So all "the girls" would be expected to do our thing, while he and his son played video games together. When SDs misbehaved, FH didn't want to correct them because he didn't see it happen and didn't know who was to blame (the 2 SDs have learned how to lie there way out of consequences). I'm not a disciplinarian at all; if my daughter misbehaves we talk about it and explore alternative ways to handle things. So I'm the last person who should be expected to punish unruly teenagers whose behaviour I had no part in developing in the first place.

It was only when I was able to sit down FH and read him some of what I've posted here that he finally understood what he needed to do. He also has clearer expectations of me now. It's been a very long, tiring, painful journey but at least there's hope for the future. And my home is peaceful again. Kinda.

Anyway, good luck. I hope you can find the information and advice you need here.

Abigail's picture

If my husband didn't support me (and it's been a battle let me tell you) I don't know what I would do. Maybe you should take a vacation with your bio kids to see your Mom or something. If DH had to deal with his son, maybe he would be singing a different tune. No man should let his son treat is wife this way.

One thing that changed DH's mind was that I was able to get him to see that it is in the best interests of his son to be disciplined.

My Skids were so nasty too because he never disciplined them, I let him know they were on a very bad road. We went to a counselor who said "you need to do something about this, not just for your wife, but for the benefit of your own children." DH got better after that.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Abigail's picture

After I said I was leaving him and his nasty children. It's been a very hard road but if I hadn't done this, I would be dealing with his nasty hateful children today.

I love my DH. But these guys tend to be very stupid about raising their kids.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

wickedwitchtai's picture

WickedWitchTaithanks to all the comments, I am going to try all of this. I refuse to grow up hope and I need to make it better before I end up in a home for the insane. I am sure I will be blogging tonight after I have a talk with DH, so look for me!!!!