If the child has refused contact I think every month or so he should send some form of communication. Maybe a letter or email saying 'hi, just wanted to know I am thinking about and love you and I welcome you to contact me anytime you wish. My door will remain open to you. Love, Dad' or something of that nature.

It is important that you both keep in mind that this may not all be originating from the child. A lot of times children are pressured to act this way by their other parent whether overtly or subconsciously. She is a teenage girl who probably loves her mother and she may think that doing these things pleases her mother. She may receive positive reinforcement from her mother for doing things which are hurtful to your husband.

This type of behavior in children is unfortunately very common in families of divorce. It seems more common coming from the home of the biological mother but fathers can also intentionally or unintentionally pressure their children into doing these things as well.

The important thing for your husband to remember is that his daughter still needs him whether she knows it right now or not. I speak from personal experience. My parents divorced when I was 7. I made the decision at the age of 10 to move in with my father. That was 14 years ago and I have not seen my mother since. Do I feel abandoned by my mother? Absolutely! Even though it was my decision to move away, I still would have wanted my mother to continue to show me that she cared and loved me. But she wrote me off as a daughter when I moved away and now I have no relationship with her.

This is the best advice I can give being a complete stranger and not having much knowledge about your situation. Please don't let this happen between your husband and his daughter. Even if she is the one that made the decision to move away, she will most likely feel abandoned and like he does not care for her or love her if he stops trying to contact her or visit with her.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I agree with trying to keep contact. I would go as far as sending something registered mail, and if SD isn't signing for it herself, OR if it comes back, OR if nothing else he will have those receipts to later prove if she ever questions him, that he did in fact try.

Same with emails. But there's something about that extra effort of the post office and them having to sign for the letters. I would suggest he write the letters without any mention of the past hurts, just a simple note, even ever couple months, stating he loves and misses her. No presents nothing that could misconstrued as manipulative to a rational person.

But, it's entirely up to your husband and I would make the suggestion and then let him make the decision. It may be too painful for him to go through that effort after all the hurtful things SD has said or done, even if it is originating from BM. If it's one thing I have finally learned, we stepmoms and stepdads must let go of trying to help so much. The motive is good, but it will tear you up to attach to outcome of this, or think that you can fix it.

Hugs,
Sita

"I'm in F#CK OFF Mode." ~ Stepmadness

"Personally, I don't think a parent should give up on a child. Even if she doesn't want to talk, I think reaching out to her would let her know he still loves her and is here if she ever changes her mind."

this tells me that you're on the same path I was in regard to wanting my DH to be a more involved father with SD.
I never had a father figure other than a completely inappropriate stepfather who I hope is burning in hell right now...

but, I was always suggesting to DH he needed to get more involved in SD's life and stop being on autopilot. We used to have fights over me wanting him to be more interested in SD and he was content to let her mother handle the hard stuff.

Then I realized I was trying too hard to control their relationship. he's a grown man, it's his choice on whether or not he wants to have a strong bond with his child. If he wants to reach out to her, then he'll make up his mind to do it whether you're pushing him to or not. You can express your opinion on the subject and then after you do that, let it go. Let him take control of his relationship with this girl. You'll feel better in the long run if you know that he reacted and acted of his own will rather than doing it because you pushed him to it based on your own belief system.

good luck honey, let us know what happens.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

I would send a card for b-days and xmas. That is enough. Include your phone number and a simple statement "call if you would like to talk".

She is an adult, it is time to leave it up to her.