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Then get the F out

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:08pm

DH and I sitting on the deck. We call out SD16.

DH asks what class again that 6lbs of candy was used for? She quietly answers, I didnt need it for school. The conversation continues, you know the usually.

Your failing school (because your f'd up) your attitude sucks (because Daddy should have jerked a knot in your ass a lonnnnnng time ago) You speak to me like Im your buddy, Im not Im your Father...(and low and behold he is acting like one).

He then turns to me and says: help me out here...I was like Dude! I told you I wasnt saying anything. So I kinda just skirt around and basically say what he has said. And she turns and says to me, "there is no being nice to you" I told her flat out, Im not asking that anyone be "nice" to me least of all HER. That I was out of this little dysfunctional mess, that her father will be dealing with her issues. And she turns and says to me..."well you should have never been in it in the first place you have no right to parent me" STOP THE FREAKING PRESS...because I lost it and said what many of you wish you would say with out rocking your DH boat. See I dont care well I do care about DH, but I have been plainfully clear with him. He is either gonna get this situation rectified or both he and she can leave my home...when I say I am done I am done.

I flat out told her, I WAS responsible for taking her out of the abuse she was in, I WAS responsible for purchasing her school clothes and Xmas gifts, I WAS responsible for taking her on vacation and footing the bill. I WAS responsible for dealing with her teachers and the school, I AM the one who carrys the benefits that are taking care of her. I will no longer do anything out for her at all. And I am the "other" parent in MY home and I do have a say, and if she doesnt like it she can get the fck out. She then told us she wanted to go back with her Mom anyway, (she just spent a week with Disney Mom for Easter Break) she wanted DH phone to call her, I looked over and said to him Give her your phone, but before you do please tell SD16 what her Momma said when you mentioned sending her back to her. He looks at her and says: "your Mom says she wont take you back."

She says "OH really", she looks at me...and I say, "See SD16 not even your very own Momma wants to deal with you. Maybe you need to ask yourself, what's wrong with me that none of the women in my life want anything to do with me?"

There was alot of other things said but this was the jist of it. I am still waiting for Mother of the year to step up...God if I had a one wish from a genie in a bottle any guess what that would be?

Yeah Ummm apparently Momma isnt stepping up so I guess Im screwed til the next blow up...

Comments

Unfreakingreal's picture

Submitted by Unfreakingreal on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:16pm

Ouch...Holy shit,

"See SD16 not even your very own Momma wants to deal with you. Maybe you need to ask yourself, what's wrong with me that none of the women in my life want anything to do with me?"

that was HARSH. But I get why you needed to say it. Wow...I kinda feel sorry for this kid, even though I know she doesn't deserve it.

knucklehead's picture

Submitted by knucklehead on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:38pm

:jawdrop: :jawdrop:

Holy shit. I think you were WAY out of line. I can understand frustrated and fed up, but damnnnn.

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:45pm

I support you 100%. I understand you being fed up. You actually got to say what some of us think. At some point these "children" need to face reality and start being responsible for their spoiled behavior. At what point do we stop excusing them for being "children" and hearing "you are the adult" you aren't supposed to do that? She isn't 6, she's 16.

My SO has started pointing these things out to his daughter. He see's her ungratefulness. In fact the other day he told her she was being an a-hole to her friends when she started complaining about how mean they are. He said the same thing, the common denominator is YOU.

Why is she allowed to be so harsh to you and you can't feed her back her own medicine?

FeuilleMorte's picture

Submitted by FeuilleMorte on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:43pm

"Not even your own mother wants you?"

I'm not sure I'd be bragging about being cruel to a child -- no matter how much that child might deserve it. We're the adults for a reason.

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 2:27pm

OP just stated a fact. the cruelty lies with bm, who doesn't want her kid. why do sm's get flack for every little thing, but nothing bm does is ever brought to light?

3familiesIn1's picture

Submitted by 3familiesIn1 on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:45pm

I get the frustration too. Handing her the phone to call Mama right then and there made sense - I do not plan to take 'I'll just go live with mom' as a viable threat from either of my two bios (dad in that case) or from either step.

I have put my foot down - if that threat comes from any of the 4 mouths just once - I will be handing the phone and reminding them they better damn well be sure because once they are out - its a 6 month commitment with no return. I will not support kids bouncing between whichever household they think is better on a whim.

Now, telling her that her mother doesn't want her was harsh, true or not, the phone call on the spot was enough to accomplish that in her words - coming from you was really really harsh - that I have to agree.

One problem I see with kids that have 2 homes, is they think and often have a choice to live where they want which doesn't help their attitudes. I had only 1 home, I screwed up, I got yelled at, I had no choice but to return to my home and was stuck.

Justshootme's picture

Submitted by Justshootme on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:45pm

I think you said what she needed to hear. For crying out loud, she's 16, not 6! In less than two years she's going to have to face the real world and she can be guaranteed that it won't treat her as well as you have.

Sometimes being "scared straight" with the truth is the only thing that gets through to these kids... Sad

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:52pm

I feel this way about SD15. Even her own mother doesn't want her. I would never say it to her but its definitely how I feel. DH would die if those words came out of my mouth.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 1:59pm

Dont read what you think I said which is being quoted as your mother doesnt want you...what I said was your mother doesnt want to DEAL with you.

And by the way her mother gave her up willingly and didnt even hug her child when we took her and moved her 500 miles away. Her Mother literally threw SD's stuff in the back of the car and said, see ya. No hug no kiss, no remorse, no Ill miss you. And would you like to guess why?

I can tell you why...exactly why. She doesnt want to deal with the thieving, and lying

Like it or not, if you steal things like jewelry, and camera's in addition to this petty shit, this is how your treated. If you make me a warden Ill treat you like your one...and apparently her Mother feels the same way

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 2:26pm

To answer some questions:

1)I agree, at what point do we all stop babying these kids. Im cruel? Really? And disengaging is not the same thing? Disengagement doesnt work, it doesnt make the child get the picture as a matter of fact its like a victory. I retreat and she wins. Now can I disengage my wallet, yeppers I can and will and did.

I found that in disengaging from SD that I rapidly was disengaging from my relationship with DH and as this happened the two of us became weaker and weaker she gained momentum watching is fall apart. There is a shift of power going on in my home. Its being taken away from a child NOW and brought back to the adults. Both of us, not just me.

2) DH was fine with it. Stating she needs to hear it. The best thing her stupid ass mother could do at this point is tell her she cant come back because it will be the best thing for SD. This child is so defensive, and angry all the time, you just dont know. Well some of you do very well know what I mean. Again the statement that was made was not even her mother wanted to DEAL with her. Big difference.

Agree or not agree, that is not really something I care about. What I care about is that SD gets the damn message now after 7 years that again she is not going to run this house, she is not going to break DH and I so that she can have him at her beck and call. I care about her getting with the program and getting her head out of her ass when we have placed the world with in her grip to do so. Im not sending her to a counselor for her to lie every week for 6 months Im sending her for help.

I am not going to allow a 16 year old girl to get in my face and tell me I have no right to have a say about what takes place in MY home that I own. And I am definatly not going to allow her to get in my face with my own DD's who are 13 years old looking on. If it was MY daughter she would have got knocked on her ass.

If you said this to your Mother or Father when you were 16 would they have just bottled it up and shuttered in their shoes coddling you saying, oh Im sorry you feel that way?

Please...

bi's picture

Submitted by bi on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 2:29pm

i get so tired of people wanting to allow everything a "kid" does just because they are under 18. if they aren't taught as children to be responsible for their words and actions, what kind of adults will they be? what is the logic in expecting an adult to know how to behave if they were NEVER taught as a child, because after all, they are "just children". :sick:

GoldenGoose's picture

Submitted by GoldenGoose on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 3:05pm

You have that right. I would be wearing dentures right now because my father would have slapped me so hard, my teeth would have fallen right out of my head!

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 2:56pm

I was thrown into a chair and had a boot thrown at me for talking like that to my dad! He didn;t put up with crap like that coming out of our mouths!

Looking back I can honestly say that I deserved him doing that to me b/c I needed that kick in the pants!

op don't feel bad sometimes these kids need to have someone be in reality for them.

unsure99's picture

Submitted by unsure99 on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 3:24pm

I think what you said was right on! I haven't read your past posts but I'm sure this was not brought on by one instance and was 7 years in the making. I say "bravo"!! I am sick of the coddling of these kids. My FDH talks to his daughter like blue belle suggested, all nice and sweet and I'm sorry blue belle but that shit don't cut it after a while. At 16 they are old enough to be talked to like an adult because they almost are!! If she were six then yes i would say the comment was harsh but not at 16!!

checkedoutsm's picture

Submitted by checkedoutsm on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 4:03pm

When I was young one of the biggest things that impacted me was when someone shouted at me, "All you ever think about is yourself. Why don't you think about someone else for a change?!"

I think the truth needs to be spoken, even when it's harsh because if you don't clue her in as to what is wrong with her behavior and how other people see her, who will?

B22S22's picture

Submitted by B22S22 on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 6:26pm

>>>>>>>>>>>>>Your SD needed the wake up call. If she feels shes adult enough to tell you in your own home those things, shes adult enough to face reality and eat humble pie.

I agree!! That's one thing I notice about a lot of the posts on here, and also with my own SK's. They think they're "adults" (no, they're mid-teens); they think they're "smart" (not really), and they think they can say whatever they believe will hurt the most and get the most bang for the buck (meaning make daddy feel guilty about something).

Your SD felt she could put her big girl panties on and TELL YOU what you can or cannot do in your own home. I guess if she's going to bless herself with that kind of adult status, then she needs to be able to take whatever is thrown back at her.

And as far as trying to "soften" it (the statement about how her own mom doesn't want to deal with her) -- how, after this many years, do you soften it? At what point in time do you stop giving the Walt Disney version of the story? Okay, maybe you could have used the phrase "your own mom doesn't want to deal with your behaviors" but I agree with one of the other posters that it's easier to sit here, not in the heat of the moment with all sorts of expletives exploding in your brain, and pick apart a conversation.

It is what it is, it's said and done. There are always going to be shoulda's coulda's woulda's. *shrug*

checkedoutsm's picture

Submitted by checkedoutsm on Fri, 04/20/2012 - 11:23pm

It sounds like your husband pulled you into it so that she could direct her negativity towards you instead of him. But if she can dish it out I am sure she can take it.

whatwasithinkin's picture

Submitted by whatwasithinkin on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:12am

It sounds like your husband pulled you into it so that she could direct her negativity towards you instead of him.

Love this and I didnt think of it that way...at the time but that does make a ton of sense.