Fell in Love before I met the Children
Opinions wanted
I am a widow with 4 adult children..My now fiance has 4 children ages 11 14 16 and 21. His exwife lives in the USA. 2 of the children live with her..the 11 and 16 year old..the 14 year old lives with Dad. Now I fell in love with this man before I met his children..Welll !!! sorry to say they are not the best kids..well except for the two living up here..Here's my problem..Visitations are in the summer months,due to them living so far away. I am about to be married to this man in July and am dreading the summer visitations that will be a full 6 weeks. I'm trying to tell my now fiance that 6 weeks is far to long a visit. now I understand that the children need to see there father but I'm in the picture now. Normally we'd have the children every other weekend, but because mom moved so far away they have lumped the 54 days into one visit. Even if they were great kids, 6 weeks is far to long a visit. Am I being unreasonable? Help
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I understand your concern but..
I think unless you are willing to uproot and move closer to BM for EOW, then you will have to endure the current schedule. It's tough, but actually if I could compress all my time with SD into 6 weeks I would. I would really think that might be better, especially if there are issues with the kids. Then it's a temporary change in your life, with a definite time limit. The good, the bad, and the ugly all lumped into a concentrated 6 week envelope.
So I would say perhaps if possible you try to schedule some "you" time during that six weeks. Go and take a week or 2 to visit your adult kids to break up the time. If that's not possible due to work, well then I would schedule weekends away, or take a class at night you're interested in.
This is a case of the guy you love has some baggage, and unless he hid it from you before you fell in love with him, then you knew this was coming. It won't be easy, but give it a chance. Just pace yourself and do as many "you time" things as you can those six weeks.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
He needs to realize that kds
He needs to realize that kds hate it when they get sent off to the other parents for all of the summer. They never get to see or play with their friends and eventually they just quit coming all together unless there is a compromise. I would propose that they come more often and stay a shorter time so that it works for everybody.
BTW, who wants to spend every summer babysitting the spouses kd without a break? Try to take a break and go somewhere yourself. Dealing with the 14 yo every day would be enough for me.
It is what it is and you have a choice about marrying into it.
If that's his visitation schedule, then that's his visitation schedule. If he and BM don't want to change, then I don't see that you have any choice, except to tolerate it or call off the wedding. Asking him to give up time with his kids that he doesn't get to see the rest of the year is a little harsh, in my opinion, and could cause some friction between you. (Keep in mind that my hubby doesn't get to see his kids at all, so taking time away is a sensitive issue for me. I'm a little biased on this one.)
You are in the picture now, true, and that means that you get him the other 46 weeks of the year without them present. It is hard to take when it's all lumped together like that, but then again, I totally agree with Zen that it's easier to get it over with than to drag it out throughout the whole year. You have to do it once a year, not twenty-four times a year. Yeah, it's of a longer duration, but you don't have to be there for all of it.
Keep in mind that this is HIS visitation with HIS kids, not yours. You are not required to babysit, you are not required to run them here and there, you are not required to do a thing for them other than tolerate their presence in your home and keep on loving your husband in spite of them. Now, if you want to support your hubby-to-be by helping out, then great. I'm all for that. I enjoy doing for my skids. Not everyone does. If you don't, then let him know not to expect it of you. But to ask him to give up time with his other kids when he gets to see them so infrequently is probably not the best way to start out your new marriage.
♥ Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
Agreed.
Grin and bear it and just do what you have to do to get through. On a positive note, there are distinct downsides to have the skids EOW that you won't have to deal with. Lucky you!
Its a shame about the timing of the wedding, but I guess it's too late to change that now.
Plan some 'you' time during the 6 weeks they are with you, but also go into it with an outwardly positive attitude and try and make it work. If you are hostile from the moment they arrive, they will pick up on it straight away and it will be a looooooong 6 weeks.
Re: Fell in love before I met the children
Thankyou so much everyone for your comments. I will take all thoughts into consideration. In fact it has been a slap back to reality for me. These are his children and when I marry him, I marry the children. Eyes are open now..thoughts clearer now..Thankyou all.
Thanks for reminding ME....
"when I marry him, I marry the children."
Are your FH's children part of your wedding at all? Not that they have to be, but we wanted them to be a part of this too. So our minister suggested adding a family unity ceremony as part of our wedding, including my sons and SD, and we all took a family vow. Here's that ceremony-
"Zen and R, you are blessed by the presence of these children, so much a part of your family. Families grow and change through the addition of another child or the marriage of a parent to a partner. It is important for the children to understand that this addition does not diminish the love that is available for them.
Love is like the flame of a candle. Love shines brightly throughout your home as each of you shares it."
(Bride and Groom each light a candle from a central candle)
"Now both of your candles burn brightly, spreading light and warmth to all who stand here with you. Zen and R, join your flames and light the candles for BS, SD and BS."
(Z and R join candles to make one flame, children light their candles from THAT flame.)
"Just as you light your candles together, so may your love for each other light up your life as a family."
This was an amazing part of our ceremony that everyone still talks about. Also, BS's both walked me down the aisle, and SD was the flower girl. This upset my dad, who didn't get to walk me down the aisle the first time because we got married at the mayor's office. BUT...I felt now it was my sons' privilege to "give" their mom to DH. And I have this amazing pic of DH shaking hands with my oldest BS, just like a groom would with the dad of the bride.
You know...sometimes I need reminded I took a vow with SD too, not just DH. It's hard with all the crap she pulls, but I did. And when it gets too hard to deal with her I need to remember that I cannot divorce her- I am her parent. Unlike BM, I promised to be by choice. I knew it wouldn't be all perfect like a "normal" nuclear family, but she is my family.
Thanks Whattodo, for reminding me about this process. Years later it's hard to remember what the idealist SM in me vowed to do.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
Whattodo,
It wasn't meant to be a slap, but I guess us world weary SM's have realised that everyone has to give a little in these kinds of family situations. No-one is ever completely happy with their end of the deal either, and some of us and our DH's have endured absolutely horrible, unfair treatment.
So I guess what I am saying is that 6 weeks on, 46 weeks off is not such a bad deal. Endure it (maybe even enjoy it) for your new man's sake and set the standard for what kind of treatment and behaviour you expect while they are in your home.
AND you can log on every day for support, sympathy, tips and encouragement from your cheerleading team on StepTalk!
6 weeks during the best time of the year really sucks.
summer is short enough. now, it's even shorter. i understand where you're coming from. i don't know what's worse. EOW or 6 weeks in the summer. i think if i had to choose, i'd pick the 6 weeks. having to bear the unbearable tension and negativity every two weeks when SS visits, drives me nuts. if he were here for 6 weeks, maybe, just maybe, we could get into a 'routine' and have actual expectations of him and he could function more as a family member instead of always a guest that his father believes deserves the royal treatment.
can you split the weeks up? 3 weeks here and then 3 weeks later? i mean, if i had to sacrifice my entire summer...i'd be bitter.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.