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HELP Please.

weathersnstuff's picture

HELP, please. I need some advise.
I am 47 y/o man, in an almost 3 year relationship, 2 of those years of marriage to a 49 y/o lady (her first marriage, my second) who has a 27 y/o son who is at home with no job who is respectful, just no direction in life right now , but he is trying.
We have my 17 y/o son at home who has a crappy high school record, a computer gamming problem, but has committed to a youth challenge program here in GA at Fort Gordon and then hopefully to the military, who is very respectful and causes no problems to speak of.
The major problem lies with my wife’s 23 y/o son and his 24 y/o wife who has her only grand child who is 3 y/o.
I am have a high a high strung personality style due to the many years I spent in a 911 center and on an ambulance.
I have many personal flaws, but I am a tradionaly oriented decent loving type of guy.
My wife has a fiercely independent type personality and is proud to have raised 2 boys by herself and takes very much offence when anything negative is said about their raising, but for the most part a very loving and compassionate person. She makes 3 times the pay I do. This is not an issue until there's a problem and an argument over these adult children then it is used as a battering ram against me.
My wife and her children are very close.
They have partaken together and lived together off and on for a long time.
There are no boundaries to speak of in this household where it comes to the grown kids.
None of the kids contribute anything consistently to speak of to the house hold, but use and abuse it as if it where their own with no regard to the ones who do live there or their so called personal space.
They do make my wife happy WHEN the 23 y/o and 24 y/o decide to come around with the grandchild or they when need something.
These guys are very disrespectful to me, strait to my face.
The 24 y/o daughter in-law mostly
They will manipulate my wife like a rag doll and she accepts every jab, every curse name and so on that comes out of these guys with a smile on her face.
The 24 y/o daughter is the worst for me to try and deal with.
I love my wife with all my heart, but she will drop everything (including, as of last weekend, plans for her and I to spend the evening together) and drive 80 miles out of her way at the whim/whimper of her 23 y/o to console him, as he seems to have a miserable existence for the most part, due to his very tenaciously, mean spirited 24 y/o wife.
This insipid woman will totally ignore me when I casually speak to her in passing.
She always has a hurtful or demeaning comment to or about me when she doe’s acknowledge my presents.
This woman and the 23 y/o have for the last 2 of my wife’s birthday, have come over and taken center stage with their insipid behavior and the incidences go on and on.
She stumbled into the house unannounced in the middle of the night, in a drunken stupor and slapped me across me face recently, calling me everything but a child of God, with my wife standing by watching and doing nothing to stand up for me.
I have done nothing to deserver any of this from this woman.
I treat the grandchild as if she where my own with lost of attention and respect.
I have reached out to them/her many times, offering my friendship and love only to have my attempts mocked and made fun of.
I have already swallowed allot of their abuse and mistreatment in order to keep the peace to no avail.
My wife says I need to just let more time pass and they/she will come around and accept me.
My wife is telling me that if I don’t accept this abuse from this woman, keep my mouth shut to keep the peace with them, that our marriage will be in danger of ending and that my 17 y/o son and I can move out.
I know my wife has a cretin degree of love for me in her heart (but this makes me question this) and I love her very much and place her above all else.
I do foresee, right now, anything changing at all due to my wife’s acceptance of their unacceptable behavior.
Are my feeling justified or am I being too harsh ?
Is this right ?
Is this to be accepted or tolerated by me ?
Should I do as my wife says ?
Can someone give me any advise PLEASE , something I can show my wife that is of an opinion outside of the family that shows I’m not being selfish ?

Comments

Jsmom's picture

I think you know the answer to your own question. This is wrong and you do not have to put up with it. Me, they would never be allowed in my home again if they showed that much disrespect. I would be willing to leave if someone treated me this way. You need to figure out if you are willing to do that. As for hitting you, I am surprised you took it. I would have flattened her...

Aeron's picture

Oh wow. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would Never accept this behavior.

If someone, and I don't care who - daughter in law, my own kid, my parents, whoever - ever slapped me, I'd be calling the cops on their butt so fast their head would spin and yes, I would absolutely be pressing charges. I am so sad for you that your spouse, who is supposed to love you, would ever tell you that you need to just suck it up and accept it. If my DH ever said something so idiotic, I wouldn't be waiting to be told to move out.

We do not ask the people we love to accept abuse. If your wife chooses to accept verbal and physical abuse from these people, that is her choice, insane though it may be. Asking you to do so is proof that she does not care about you enough to be concerned for your well-being.

"Keeping the peace" is often code for "I'm afraid my children will do XYZ" like not allowing her to see the grandchild or whatever. But if accepting abuse is the terms of the relationship, I would personally be rejecting the relationship. If your wife is not only not sticking up for you but is also telling you that this needs to be accepted, I would personally be planning my exit. This is NOT acceptable behavior, from your wife's kids and Especially not from your Wife.

I also wouldn't get your hopes up about any of our opinions making the smallest bit of difference to her if she's already set on her children and her crappy relationship with them being more important than you. And she has - her actions show that. And I call it a crappy relationship with her kids because um yea, they're manipulating and abusing her too. It sounds like everyone needs to counseling.

youngmama1b1g's picture

These are all adults as far as Im concerned. You can't change your wife's behavior, but you can change yours.
How you're treated should reflect how you treat them. If this Daughter in law is vile, then treat her as such. Don't get anything for the ungrateful woman and focus on the grandchild instead.
As far as them stumbling in at all hours, don't you have locks? Put a deadbolt on the inside that does not have a key to outside- this way you don't have to worry about wife handing off a key without you knowing. Lock the house when you get in and you won't have to worry about.
Celebrations where they upstage their own mother cannot be controlled, but you can have separate celebrations for just you and the wife without anyone else involved. If they choose to act shameful, start recording parties or make sure its non-alcoholic and/or anonymously call the cops for drunken & disorderly behavior.

Another poster once told me only you have the power to let someone make you feel inferior.
Good luck!

StepX2's picture

No you're not being harsh at all. You actually need to stand up more for yourself. No one should ever have to be treated the way you are in their own home and the fact that your wife expects you to just sit back and accept this makes me wonder how much she really cares about you.
Remember that you are also a role model for your son and ask yourself, would you want him to think being treated this way is acceptable.
I say come up with an alternative living plan (save up money)for you and your son and call your wife on her ultimatum she placed for you and pack up and go!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Seriously are you insane. Are you really asking should you accept this treatment anywhere from anyone. She slapped your face....why did you not call the police and have her charged with assualt. Forgetting everything else here, you, your wife and the SK's and inlaws. What on earth are you teaching your 17 year old son. Look at this from his eyes, and ask yourself this question If this was happening to your so. If he were living the life you are living now, would you want him to accept it with no excuse other than 'but l love my wife"

This situation that you and your son live in and i feel more sorry for your son than I do you, you have some control over this, your son does not, he has no where else to go, you have a job if you want to walk out today you can, anyway getting back on track this sitution will NEVER, NEVER change as the only person who can make it change is your wife, and she according to you is more than happy with the status quo. If he were allowing her children to treat you like this I would say it was wrong, but allowing the daughter in law to not only disrespect you, but to slap you. God only know what your son thinks of all this. I cannot imagine any man or woman thinking that anything about this is right.

If this woman loved you, she would show you some respect, however it is very hard for a woman to love a man who is a wimp, now am not being rude here, but honestly I think she and her children think you are just a weak little wimp and they can all control you and all have power over you because to be honest you're failure to stand up to any of them, especially the daughter in law and through that little cow out of your house, tells them so. You may think that you behave this way because this is what your wife wants and you want to please your wife. But no woman wants a man who lets a bunch of kids make a complet fool of him and does nothing about it. I think you need to get some self respect and stand up for yourself here and if that means she wants you to leave, well, what exactly is it that you think you will be losing here. I cannot believe you sit back and take this, when she said if you don't accept this you can move out, you should have moved out. Your wife has no respect for you. But the person I feel for most is your son, have you ever wondered what he must think of you taking this abuse from your wife and her kids. Do you want to lose his respect forever, if you do then just keep doing what you are doing and you will lose his respect also. But, as his father, I honestly think you should be setting a better example for your son.

ybarra357's picture

My wife is telling me that if I don’t accept this abuse from this woman, keep my mouth shut to keep the peace with them, that our marriage will be in danger of ending"

Not to sound condescending to you, but the above will definitely be better than putting up with your DW's feral spawn and his wife. The police should have been notified and charges pressed when this dipshit slapped you.

forestfairy's picture

Loving someone is protecting them from mistreatment and abuse. I would never allow someone to treat my SO that way.

I cannot understand the husbands and wives of the posters of this site that allow their supposedly cherished partners to be used and abused and treated like shit on the bottom of someone's shoe in order to avoid conflict with their children.

I feel so bad for you.

Doubletakex3's picture

^^^THIS^^^

And, not to sound mean, why are you willing to put up with this? You deserve better. I'd lose respect (& love) for anyone who allowed me to be abused & mistreated much less someone who encouraged it! Your wife may be a good person but she's not being even a decent wife to you. Honestly.

StarStuff's picture

I hate to be blunt, but take hold of your balls and stand up for yourself. Hell no it's not alright to just let someone slap you around, and your wife should see that and stand up for you. I know if anyone ever did that to SO I'd be on it without a second thought. Sometimes it's easier to see your situation from an outside perspective by those who have no emotional attachment to the situation. I hope you your situation changes for the better.