When will it end?!?!
If you've read any of my recent blogs, you know my DH's business is in a slump, and he hasn't brought in any income for about 4 months. Meanwhile, I've picked up a steady 25hr/week client...which pays all of our bills. There's not a lot of room for extras, but we're meeting all our obligations and doing fine.
I am ok with this arrangement for the time being. My DH is a hard worker, and I know he'll get back on his feet soon. The problem is, he beats himself up for not providing...but, at the same time, won't curtail his spending at all. So, for example, we went out to lunch yesterday and he spent the whole time talking about how it's not right that I'm supporting everyone and that I have to take on this client that I don't like...to the point that I start to feel guilty about even having the work. But then I look at our bank statements and he's going out to eat a lot while I'm on site w/the new client. He got a $50 haircut at some fancy men only salon (his normal haircut is $25), he's entered some of his art into several competitions at $25-50 a pop, and he's ordering off Amazon pretty much once a day. Typically these are just $20 or so each purchase, but it adds up.
So which is it? Does he feel devastated and terrible that I've been put in this supportive position for the time being? He always says that he "never spends any money" but I think he spends a lot. There's rarely a day that goes by that he doesn't buy something. Part of me understands that this is new to him (not having his own money) and it's hard to change habits. But part of me feels like he doesn't get to lament and agonize over the stress he's putting on me if he's not willing to change his habits and do everything he can to lessen that stress.
Anyhow. It all came to a head yesterday before the skids came over. We were talking about the schedule for the weekend. He mentioned that SD16 asked to hang out w/her best friend but he said no since "we're going to Asheville." I asked him...why? This was the first of heard of it. He said he thought he'd talked to me about it...wants to take all 3 skids plus SD19's boyfriend to a matinee followed by lunch. I just stared at him. Huh? Are they paying their way? DH says no...he doesn't "think they should pay if we invite them." Me again with the stare. Huh? Are they adults or aren't they? When our friends invite us to see a movie, we pay for ourselves.
So...I told him no. Absolutely not. Or, actually, I told him that we could do it if skids paid their own way...to which he said never mind. Sorry. You don't get to whine all through lunch about how unfair it is to me that I'm having to pay for everything and then, not two hours later, inform me that we're going to spend $100+ taking your kids out.
Also, SS18 is still coming over on our weekends. Make it stop!
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Sounds like boredom. My
Sounds like boredom. My husband makes the money and it's usually enough for a few extras and eating out once a week. Unfortunately if we don't have plans for the weekend he tends to get spend happy. I have to make him aware of the budget on Payday so he has it in his mind for the weekend.
I think you're probably
I think you're probably right. I feel for him and am trying to figure out how to help. I know he doesn't like having so little to do and he feels pretty bad about himself right now.
Still think grown ass skids
Still think grown ass skids should pay for themselves now.
You're right...he is really
You're right...he is really childish about money, and he always has been. His parents are in their seventies, and wealthy, so I think this plays into it. It's likely that he'll be inheriting several million dollars within the next 10-15 years. So...I think he doesn't see the point of being frugal or even responsible now. But he never even looks at the household account or our budget. He just swipes away and I figure out how to make it all work out...
I don't want to rely on his inheritance. I save...DH doesn't. I have retirement...DH doesn't. Our finances are separate, and then we have a joint account for bills and household expenses...I'm the only one who's been contributing to that account lately, and DH has been spending out of it since his personal account is so low. Normally, I don't care what he does with his money as long as he puts his portion into the bill-paying account and spends from his personal account. Spend, save, give it away...whatever...
It's never a good idea to
It's never a good idea to rely on a windfall that may or may not happen. For all he knows, his parents could have already given away/wasted/lost all their money and just be keeping up appearances on credit. (It happens...I know someone who had THAT situation and the associated debts thrown in their lap!) They may also be planning on leaving their millions to charity. Even if they TELL him it's all going to him, unless he's seen the will he doesn't really know. I've seen my fair share of wills that leave the children a tiny, token amount or exclude them altogether while the rest goes to charity.
Maybe he needs his access to your money shut off while he's not contributing. I'd suggest separating finances and let him deal with not having your money to waste. A $50 haircut is not necessary when you're broke. Hell, I got so used to going to the beauty school for free haircuts when I couldn't afford them that I still go there now because I won't spend money that doesn't need spending. My friends all spend hundreds getting theirs done and I'm like, "Yeah, I ran over on my lunch break and gave the girl a $10 tip" and mine looks just as good.
I completely agree, which is
I completely agree, which is why I'm saving. I just worry that we come from different worlds. Some of the comments he makes about his kids going without or what they "deserve" really rub me the wrong way at times. They are good kids, and I know what he means, but it still annoys me.
That's a really good point.
That's a really good point. Other than spending, we're on the same page about finances and I can talk to him freely, so I will bring this up. I know that, in our will, the other spouse gets everything, then the kids after both are gone. But...if he, or his parents, want to keep the inheritance separate from this arrangement (no one has said that they do...but, like you say, who knows) then I will ask that, at some point, I get paid back with interest for all of the support I gave him and his kids over the years...since that is all money I could have saved or used to pay down debt otherwise.
Honestly, though, his parents adore me and give me $$$ directly, no strings attached now, they are including me in their yearly disbursements...so I don't see anyone being stingy with me in the future.
If his parents know how
If his parents know how terrible he is with money it's highly unlikely that they'll will it all to him. Putting it in a trust for their grandchildrens college would be wiser.
Two of his three kids are
Two of his three kids are already in college. His parents don't know how bad he is w/money because he has me to keep it all straight. I have no doubt that they'll will a portion of their money directly to the grandkids, but I also know that most of it will come to him / us. They are already gifting to us every other year in order to reduce the estate / the tax burden.
They also give to charities and to other people...they're very generous.
That could be true, Sueu. He
That could be true, Sueu. He is a very hard worker, though, and very generous with money when he does have it. More generous with me than I would want him to be...I'd prefer him to sit down with me and make a responsible plan rather than treating me to dinners or trips or clothes...or whatever pops into his head. I really think it's a matter of being super bad with money and honestly not seeing the connection between his habits and his reality. Some of the stuff he says when we're talking finances...just leaves me scratching my head.
I really like my work, and I wouldn't quit it even if I could. But, even so, sometimes I get paranoid and think...DH sure has a good deal...wonder if he arranged it this way on purpose...only he seems so miserable when he's not earning his own money...
My DH has a huge, fragile
My DH has a huge, fragile ego. I've learned over the years how to motivate him without hurting his fee fees.
You might want to start making tangible cutbacks on household expenditures to help him make the no work = no money connection. Suspend the cable tv; serve rice, beans, and other inexpensive foods, and let food supplies dwindle to nothing; keep a minimal amount of money in the household account and carry cash. Let him swipe his card somewhere and feel the embarrassment of having it be declined. That meal out once a week? Make it McDonald's, or dispense with it altogether.
Meanwhile, keep working hard and be "too tired and worried" for any adult fun. Ask for more help around the house, and draw up a list of icky chores.
Make him feel the pinch without a single criticism.
Oh...he eats out multiple
Oh...he eats out multiple times a week, despite the fact that we've talked about it, that I cook, and that I always keep the fridge stocked.
He always helps around the house, though...so no need to make any lists. He's on top of the care of the home. Like I said, he is a hard worker, he just doesn't have enough to keep him busy right now.
Love the card swipe idea...but my name's on the account, too. We have overdraft protection, so we'd have to be about $500 in the red before the card gets declined...
Oh...I don't put all of my
Oh...I don't put all of my money in the household account. All of my paychecks go into my personal account, first, and I have two savings accounts that I pay on the first of the month before I pay any other bills. My retirement account, and another, more liquid investments account. Neither account has nearly as much as it should...but I'm building them up as much as I can.
The problem is just the spending. DH is completely unrealistic about money, doesn't care to budget with me, and just happily does as he pleases. He doesn't know how much we have in our joint account at any point, and he doesn't know what our bills are. He has no concept of how much I make, or how much we spend. This used to bother me a little, but not so much...he had to put $2000 into the household account on the first of the month and so did I. Anything left over in our personal accounts we could spend or save as we pleased. As long as I had that 4K to budget with for bills and groceries, I didn't let his spending or eating out get to me.
Now, I'm putting the full 4K into the household account...and then, often, more because he's spending out of that account now. I'm still able to put the first couple hundred dollars of my earnings aside, and I'm not dipping into my savings at all...but it's tight every month when I really don't feel like it ought to be.
Hmmmmm. My client is wanting to add 5 hours a week to my contract starting in August, so maybe I'll just neglect to mention it and set aside the extra each month...or use it to pay down our student loans. Honestly, though, DH doesn't know what I make now and just spends as he sees fit...so I tend to think he'll just keep spending and I'll keep feeding money into the account as needed...unless we can have a true meeting of the minds...
No. I'm paying mine, which is
No. I'm paying mine, which is only $25 a month. I'd like to pay all loans but keep deferring...child support, SD's cancer costs, now unemployment...
I feel like we have enough to start paying these down, though, if we could get serious about it. This is the disconnect. It's not that I feel that I "owe" DH for his past generosity or worry that he won't think he's worth it. I love DH, he's a great dad and a good partner. I just want to be on the same page financially.
Take away his access to the
Take away his access to the joint account. He shouldnt have access to the joint account as a general spending account when its meant for the mortgage and bills.
Wipe any/all bank details saved on the computer, amazon accounts etc.
Hes not had an income in 4 months, it simply cannot carry on the way it is now.
Give it to him straight, you cannot afford to keep funding him living like nothings changed. If hes so hard working why is he spending money he doesnt have? Why isnt he concentrating on getting back into proper work?
Im all for give and take in a relationship but this isnt give and take, this is just him taking.
You want to give him a weekly spending budget go ahead but make it a small amount.