for all you ladies who feel 'last' - from mr. noogies
i picked dh's brain last night about the topic of a lot of posters here feeling last in their marriage and family. he happily shared his thoughts and he said he hopes this helps.
putting bm first over sm - yes, this is absolutely done to avoid conflict AND witholding. it is not done to make the bm happy, it is done to shut her up so she wont cause problems that interfere with a man's time with his kids. a "real man" (in dh's own words) will do anything and everything to see his kids when allowed and will do anything to get even more time, even if it means "rolling over" to the bm's demands. it is a blow to a man's ego too, to have to cater to his ex's demands, but if seeing his kids mean sacrificing his ego he's all for it.
putting skids/IL's/any other family members first over sm - any man that does this is a piece of $#!t and doesnt deserve the woman he has.
there you have it.
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yup, there is no mincing of
yup, there is no mincing of words here in the noogies house!
When a divorce fist happens I
When a divorce fist happens I can see this happening. Which is why I always advise women not to date a newly separated or even newly divorced man.
Anyhow, a divorce is fresh, and it seems most men take the least argumentative path. Especially when he is single. But then evil stepmother comes along. She will put up with it, until - she doesn't - that is when the real fun starts.
Both ladies are vies for number 1. I have seen that the marriages that don't end at this point are those in which the SM is willing to walk away. Not threaten to but does. The man will either let her or he will put a stop to the drama.
Which is why ladies, you should always love yourself and care for your feelings more. If he deals with his crap then you win. If he walks away, you win.
^^^ This is utterly profound
^^^ This is utterly profound and spot on! Thank you, Snow!!^^^
so he is saying that a "real
so he is saying that a "real man" will always put his current wife second. That sucks....no bueno, Mr. Noogies.
His statements are inconsistent.
He says a man will do anything to see his kids - even cater to BMs demands. Then he turns around and says any man who puts anyone above his wife is a piece of shit? Uh - catering to BMs whims and doing anything to see his kids usually results in SM being second. Or third, or fourth.
i took it as a positive
i took it as a positive thing. i remember back when dumb@$$ was being a beeyotch with the kids, and threatening to withold and all that. dh did what he had to do to see his kids. wasn't always convenient for me and lots of times i was none too happy with how things were panning out, and in that way a wife might feel second place to bm. and that is a very common gripe around here.
but in reality, it has **NOTHING** to do with being first, second, or last. it's simply just about a father doing what he has to do for his kids. that's what he was trying to say, sorry if i didnt say it better in my OP!
ETA - basically telling the sm's that feel second to bm "it's really not about you at all, and i hope you breathe easier knowing that."
" basically telling the sm's
" basically telling the sm's that feel second to bm "it's really not about you at all, and i hope you breathe easier knowing that.""
Yeah - I don't breathe easier knowing that - lol!
I think most times second wives feel second to bm because no woman wants to watch their man cater to some other broad....
I agree with this. A " real"
I agree with this. A " real" man will do everything possible to secure access to his kids. Cowering in the shadow of a high conflict BM is never the way to do it, and actually causes harm to all involved. Especially the kids who are being used as pawns.
"cowering in the shadow of a
"cowering in the shadow of a high conflict BM" is not what we were talking about. high-conflict is a whole other ballgame. and i truly, deeply feel sorry for those that deal with that. BLECH!
this is more the sm has a movie lined up to watch with dh, dh get call from bm she cant take skid to practice, dh leaves to take his kid to practice which happens to be 30 minutes away so he stays and watches, then drops kid back off to bm. sm throws a pity party and starts feeling resentful. logs in to STalk to vent about always coming in last because dh lets bm call the shots. when in reality it's got nothing to do with sm at all, so she can just enjoy her quite time and go take a bubble bath and drink some wine.
totally different than high-conflict bm's. they really are beasts.
holy $#!tballs! that's ex of
holy $#!tballs! that's ex of the year right there!!!
"dh get call from bm she cant
"dh get call from bm she cant take skid to practice, dh leaves to take his kid to practice which happens to be 30 minutes away so he stays and watches, then drops kid back off to bm."
See this makes me mad. Sounds like DH wasn't going to see the practice, but rather watch a movie with his wife. BM can't drive, so now HE has to do it AND he decides to drop skid back off at BMs AFTER he watches practice. BM IS placed in front of SM.
Two alternate scenarios - too bad, so sad, BM. It's your time and I guess the kid will be missing practice.
OR - dad drives skid to practice and comes home to his wife.
The whole picking up BMs slack "for the sake of the kid" is total bullshit!! The BM in the scenario probably was perfectly capable of driving, but didn't feel like and since dad always does what she wants, he drive out here and get the skid AND drop him back off.
Um - nope.
Of COURSE it has to do with SM -she's the one who got left in the dirt because BM called.
Sometimes kids miss practice. Sometimes men tell BMs no.
I agree with you, Danielle.
I agree with you, Danielle. The most unattractive thing my husband does is give in to BM's ridiculous demands without putting up a fight because he "has to be able to get along with her." He's allowed her to add some asinine things to the CO because he "doesn't want to fight" and he "just wants to be able to see SD", even if it has an adverse effect on me.
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you said Danielle!
Years ago, BM got it in her head that DH's weekend ended at 6pm on Sundays. Their court order said nothing of the sort. DH got pissed at BM for something and she actually said the words, "Sunday night is my time, but I have allowed you to keep the kids because they want to stay. But if you can't start showing me more respect, I will no longer be so flexible." In other words, kiss my butt and I will "allow" you to see your kids. DH said F that and told her that how he felt about or treated her had ZERO to do with him seeing HIS OWN CHILDREN and that she better think again. He nipped that nonsense in the bud right there, no way was he going to bow down to her in order to see his kids. If a man doesn't stand up to the ex from the get-go, that BS will never end.
Just J nailed it. Why would
Just J nailed it. Why would you divorce someone you are going to allow to still run your as*?
You have to stand up for yourself or like J said, it will NEVER end.
Once a man starts letting the
Once a man starts letting the ex make demands and using the kids as a weapons, that shit never ends.
Sure, a lot of men will use the excuse that they did it for their kids, but...
BM over here thought she would ALWAYS have the upper hand because she had DH's kid. She was sadly mistaken. And yes, he sacrificed some time with his daughter back then (he did take her to court for contempt) but she never pulled the "do this or you don't see your daughter" card again. Because, well, it didn't work.
When DH and I first got together, he told me that he would not let BM use his daughter to manipulate him. For his own peace of mind and for his daughter's sake, not just for me.
Put BM ahead of SM for the
Put BM ahead of SM for the sake of the kids, even at the cost of DH's ego but not put the skids over SM? It's a little contradictory in my opinion.
If it was one or the other, I'd rather DH but the skids over me then BM.
Thankfully I don't ever (well 99.9% of the time) have to worry about DH putting BM over me ever.
I am so happy that the skids
I am so happy that the skids were close to adulthood when I met DH and them.
They had been HS sweethearts and he jumped for BM all the time. I came to realize that he just didn't know any other way of dealing with her. He avoids conflict at all costs and so it was easier to just do whatever she wanted. He hated it but he had no other references.
We had a huge fight early in our relationship and I told him I couldn't be with someone who was still so controlled by their ex. I set my boundaries and he didn't want to loose me.
So he told his kids that if they needed anything they had to talk to him directly. He stopped taking BMs calls and would hang up on her when she called screaming.
He had some rough times with the kids but he made it through and BM stopped the drama. She had no choice, he wasn't playing anymore.
That's the thing, if he continues, she will continue and then the kids think that this is how you deal with Dad. This is how you talk to him and treat him. It's what works.
remember, sal, it's not an
remember, sal, it's not an issue with us. she started enjoying her time w/o kids and after our first year together we ended up having them about 50% of the time. dumb@$$ never used the witholding card from then on. and the boys cant use that with dh cuz they've lived with us full time since 2013!
i was just curious as to the male point of view, and also too how there's been a lot of MIL stories lately with the dh's standing up and putting their wife first. so i was just picking his brain