You are here

Uncomfortable when SD shows affection..

Toastergirl's picture

I feel horrible for typing this, I really do. I feel guilty that I cringe at my SD showing affection. I am not a fan of people touching me.
I did not grow up in a big touchy-feely family. My parents pecked each other on the lips before leaving for work, and when they got home from work. I would hug my brother at night, kiss my father on the cheek, and hug my mother. That was the extent of physical contact. I know we sound like formal prudes, but we never ever kissed on the lips. We were a Leave it to Beaver family 1990's style, and I was always brought up the lip kisses were for your boyfriend/husband.
When I first started dating DH, SD was 5 and she would kiss him on the lips. I was slightly weirded out, however she was young and showing affection with her father. I have since become best friends with an Italian and her whole family kisses each other on the lips so I have definitely eased up. Different families show affection in different ways, no big deal.
When I first started dating DH, SD would hug me goodbye. I loved it, she was little, it was cute. When I was pregnant, she would try and cuddle with my stomach. The notion of it was cute. I was THRILLED that she wanted to cuddle with her soon to be born sister. But my mind would scream BOUNDARIES. I would relent because she seemed to enjoy it. Now SD (9) has started to try and kiss me on the lips. She will get very excited when she sees me, and go in for the kill zone. This all came out of nowhere, and when it first happened I was on the couch. She snuck up behind me and attempted to wrestle with me. DH and SD love to play wrestle. I went into, "woahhh SD" mode and she went in for the kiss. I turned my head and pursed my lips but the (amazingly strong) 9 year old snuck one in. I tried to explain to her that I am only comfortable with her father kissing me there, but she ran off and giggled. She seems to do this when she is hyper, but has done it every time when she first sees me. I let her, but I would really prefer hugs. I have tried to explain to DH but he doesn't understand. He is so happy that SD sees me as "family" by wanting to kiss me on the lips. SD has finally started to tell random people in the store or places that I am her stepmother (proudly) and wanting to get her stepmothers favorite juice or cereal, whereas a year ago whenever we were in the checkout line she would immediately inform the casher, "Toastergirl is not my mother." DH is so content that SD has finally warmed up all the change. Im just thrilled that SD has stopped calling DD "half blood". But I hate being called stepmother. I can't explain it. I tried suggesting the whole "bonus mom" phrase because that sounds more pleasant but SD abhors that. I don't know, I really care for my SD. I do love her. I think I just:
1. Am afraid of getting hurt(by the PAS). I became very depressed when the PAS hit hardcore against my DH. I do not think I can emotionally handle it against me because I know once Dr. Evil feels threatened it will hit HARD. DH has been the target, never me. I see that changing the happier SD gets over here.
2. Feel like it's all a big fa├žade-I am not SD's mother, she knows it, I know it, she's spent the past two years telling the whole world, but now she tells like I am her "other mother". Why can't I just be the cool, hip aunt type figure or something?
3. Am not a physically affectionate person. I speak of love; I show actions out of love. I do not touch out of love.

Last time go around at court, Dr. Evil STRONGLY insinuated DH acted inappropriately with SD (she was 5 at the time). He would help her with baths, and they would often co-sleep. The counselor found no evidence whatsoever of sexual misconduct, and actually chastised hex for coaching (hex told SD in the waiting room to talk about all the times she was in bed with her daddy). A few months ago, SD gave me a nice well rehearsed speech about how she hates it when my DH "wrestles me, pins me down and lies on top of me. I stay stop and get off but he keeps going." I immediately told SD the way she phrased that was inappropriate, marched her to DH, and forced her to tell him what she told me. She got angry because I "forced her to tell". What does SD want to do the next day? Wrestle with DH. She says she hates it, but she starts it and loves it. Laughing the whole time. Since then I have limited my time alone with her in the room. I know it is a long shot and probably wouldn't hold up but I am TERRIFIED of SD telling Dr. Evil, "I kiss Toastergirl on the couch and we cuddle together". Then Dr. Evil taking that and running with it.

How do I get over this? I want SD to love me, I want her to be comfortable. Im just too uncomfortable with ALL of it.


Toastergirl's picture

I honestly don't like 'bonus mother' either. It sounds too sugar coated.

I liked it when we are all on the couch together watching cartoons, I liked snuggling years ago. But now after all that has happened? Wanting to climb on me in the bed, kissing, etc? I just can't get comfortable. and I feel horrible, but I don't want it.

No saint's picture

Kiss children on the lips, NEVER! Don't like it, period!
As far as the wrestling goes, your DH is a fool if he keeps at it, knowing that someday it will bite him in his tush.

Stepintime0111's picture

My family is not physically affectionate at all. I can count on one hand the number of times I have hugged my mom, dad or brother. I hug and kiss dh, and gives a lot of hugs and kisses to my little ones, but never on the lips. Luckily my stepsons are getting to the age where they don't want to hug either, so it doesn't seem weird that I hug and kiss my bios(both under 3) and not them. Instead, we do high 5s, pats on the back or a quick side hug.

It does sound like she knows it bothers you, hence the giggling, and that's why she keeps doing it.

furkidsforme's picture

Thank god my SS has never been a cuddly kid. I can't imagine how skeeved out I would be.