Thinking of leaving for the weekend
We got SD today. Her birthday party is tomorrow. SD has always complained about the parties DH throws for her (at amusement parks, pizza places, etc). I told her that is rude, she should be grateful. Nevertheless, we decided SD can decide where to have the party. She said she wanted it here, and then a sleepover afterwards. I agreed ON THE CONDITION she help clean. DH and SD said okay. Tonight I told her that when I got back from the gym she needed to clean her room to get the house ready for her party tomorrow. She happily says okay. I get back from the gym and tell her she needs to move the Lego sets that have been on the kitchen table into her room. She pouts, whines and sulks. "At my moms I have a playroom AND a bedroom. She never makes me move my Legos." Doesn't matter SD, we need the kitchen to look nice for YOUR guests, go put them in your room. I said this calmly, but firmly.
And that's when it starts. The screaming, the banging her head against the wall. Hitting herself. She scratches herself on her arms; bites her arms. She screams that she wants to tear something, to hit something, to throw something, to kill something. She picks up a shoe and throws it at the tv. During her previous meltdowns, they have never been this bad. Just her BAWLING and biting herself. I yell at her to calm down. She eventually does, and I tell her she needs a counselor, I am talking to her parents and getting her one. She then responds with, "I have one. I've been seeing her since before Christmas."
DH had no idea. Hex went and got her one without notifying DH. TWICE in one week I am not surprised. I saw this coming- hex got her a counselor before DH could so now hex has the control. DH has no idea who the counselor is, so now he cannot contact her. They have joint custody, and LEGALLY DR evil has to notify him of all medical appts, decisions, etc. She never does. In this state a counselor needs to have BOTH divorced parents consent in the event of joint legal custody. DH was never notified.
I go get DH, then leave the living room and go into the bedroom. I hear SD crying, "why are you taking me away from my mom? Is it because of the sex thing? She just told me the penis goes into the vagina and it means screwing. She said that you are going to use that against her in court. Please don't. I have every right to know. She tells me about the divorce because she loves me. She doesn't keep secrets like you do. You didn't tell me toaster girl was pregnant until months before she had the baby! You hide things from me, my mom never lies to me. You chose to join the army and deploy and my mom raised me. She looked after me because you left."
And so it went. On and on and on. Then I heard it, she mentioned DD. "she's not really my sister, we have different moms. You can't change biology. That's what my mom told me."
And that's when I broke down. My number one fear besides SD having a mental breakdown/getting addicted/committing suicide is years down the road my daughter contacting SD wanting to spend time with her and SD blowing he off. SD telling her they aren't real sister. SD emotionally hurting my daughter. I mentally snapped at this thought, took a shower and cried. I want to leave. I want to get away from this brainwashed, angry little girl who breaks down and loses control when she gets told no or do something she doesn't want to do. I want to get away from her, I want to get away from her POS mom. I look at my daughters face and see all the good in the world. I look at SDs and see everything that has gone wrong for her. I can't stand to watch this child self destruct while her parents argue back and forth-or worse, do nothing.
I want to leave for the weekend with DD. I want to go to my parents house, but it's 3hrs away and it's dark out.
DH came into the bedroom and told me he had a long talk with sd. I told him I want to leave. It's too much. He looks at me quizzically. He doesn't get it. He sees me as the sympathetic, overly worried wife who has always cared. He told me she cleaned up her room and put the legos there.
I hear the tv start in the living room and SD laughing. All is well.
I'm thinking of leaving and getting a hotel room tonight, then driving to my parents in the morning. And not coming back while SD is here UNTIL DH contacts hex and gets the counselors Info. Then both of us can go and talk to the counselor about her behavior. I don't want to be near her, I don't want my daughter near her. She is sick. I tried and tried to help her but she is broken. I cannot fix her. I just feel numb. I am so so tired.
- Toastergirl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
She shuts down and can't
She shuts down and can't function. She is the result of permissive parenting and a child centric lifestyle.
When we tell her to put on a jacket, it's the same theatric, "you want to CONTROL me. My mom says you want yo control me."
Tired of the outburst
She sounds troubled. I'm
She sounds troubled. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's late. Can you keep your DD and yourself safe for tonight? Tomorrow morning will come soon enough and I'd get both of you out of there. Craziness.
Sometimes, taking time for
Sometimes, taking time for yourself is your best move. Good luck.
((((( hugs honey))))) CAN
((((( hugs honey)))))
CAN you get to a hotel tonight, and then to your parents tomorrow with no drama? I would do it, just tell your husband you NEED some time out - tell him why even - calmly - that you heard a LOT of what SD said to him and you just need time. You cannot process it all now, you are upset and overwrought, and you NEED time out fro it all.
Then go. Try not to spend the entire time just mulling over everything though, try to use it to clear your head and de-stress (I know - virtually impossible - trust me I do know!) But you have to try, Then come back Sunday night or Monday and talk to him, tell him what YOU need to happen.
Sorry.
Thank you all so much. I
Thank you all so much. I don't want to stay, but DH doesnt understand why I want to leave. Hes asleep and I think I'll get up early and pack/leave.
DH will be upset I'm missing SDs party. I just need to get away from the crazy right now. If he wants this family to work, he needs to make sure his daughter gets help.
I want to leave now, but he's
I want to leave now, but he's asleep and so is DD.
I should have gone with my gut instinct and left hours ago,
Sounds like you're now worked
Sounds like you're now worked up and the house is quieting down. I HATE that. Insomnia, for whatever reason, while everyone else is sleeping just stinks. Let DD sleep. Use this time to figure out what you want EXACTLY.
DH sounds sympathetic but without the skills or understanding to help you right now. Your job will be to present him with a few action-oriented plans. Figure out what you will need to feel safe --- besides the instinctive "put your child in a cage." Give a few "game-plans." Action/solution-oriented options which continue to include visitation with his daughter.
Lots to ask of you, but you're not sleeping anyway, right?
This gave me a lot of food
This gave me a lot of food for thought, thank you.
You need to leave, but it
You need to leave, but it might cause a bigger scene and more stress if you do it now. If you feel safe, stay the night and leave as soon as your DD is up and it is morning. Go to your parents and stay as long as you need to.
What you have described is not normal. If SD turns that anger on you or your DD it is going to be bad for you.
Please take care
You are always right tog. So
You are always right tog. So so right,
What a night you've had... i
What a night you've had... i would want to run away from that mad scene also. Your SD is merrily slip-sliding into personality - disordered territory and will likely be a total mess by the time she hits puberty. Is there anything you can do about it? My generic solution to these situations is a boarding school. Far from her mad mommy she could grow into an independent and healthier person.
I would not put too much stock into therapy for SD. BM will have too much control over who the therapist is and what he or she is allowed to hear. She will want to control that. I would suggest family therapy for you and DH to help you two ( but really hiim) figure out how you would conduct business in your house. Set expectations, meter out consequences - you are on the sidelines, but your feedback is valuable. DH must feel helpless in the face of this onslaught - i know mine does. Tears are hard for dads to tolerate. But he must do what he can to be consistent, firm and loving. Do anti-PAS things, as tog, suggested, and still your SD can be lost to you and her dad sonner or later - BM seems to have a choke hold on her.
I have heard it all too from my SDs - mom trusts me and you don't, she treats me as an adult, this is my family you are talking about, i have the right to know. Such enmeshment is hard to break through... As a mother, looking at the same craziness my (older) skids were displaying a few years ago, i started teaching my sons to say to their their dad and SM ( who was attempting PAS against me) "I am a child and this is an issue for adults to decide. I do not want to be in the middle. Do not put me in the middle" . DH and I kept saying this to my kids ( his were too far gone by then) again and again and again: there are issues for adults to discuss, not for kids. This is one of them. My younger son got the message, i am very happy to say. I heard him say it several times unprompted - and he meant it.
As for your DD one fine day discovering that her half-sister does not care for her... you can shape her expectations. Half-siblings are not always close, there is too much jealousy and push-pull in those relationships. They may be distant when they grow up - given your SD's budding disturbances it is not a bad thing. My boys have a half-sister and a half-brother, much older than they are, who are only marginally involved in their lives. That's fine. There is no anomosity there but no big love there either. Their half-sister does not care for them at all - but they are alright.
Here's to hoping you can survie this weekend and find a way to disentagle from the craziness. But you will have to help your DH address it if you are to stay together, in my opinion.
Glad to hear there is some
Glad to hear there is some progress! My YSD19 has been in therapy for a year and a half in the college town she lives in. I know this from insurance statements, as she is PAS'd. I have no clue what transpires in her sessions but i have not seen any positive movement away from her mommy in the last 18 months.
According to what OSD describes in her rambling missives, they are all drinkinng the kool aid willingly. YSD works for BM in BM's business over the summers. She is on a very short leash - when BM ordered all of them to drop DH and his sister like hot potatoes, YSD19 ( who was therapeutized at the time) complied within minutes, de-friended her adoring aunt, dad's sister, on Facebook as if she was the devil.
Somebody needs to teach her independent thinking but it has not been her therapist, as far as i can see.