So It's Come to This
I don't have an outlet to vent as the conversations with my husband have become redundant and tiresome. It's gotten to the point where I am coming close to overstepping my bounds. It's getting to the point where I just feel like I am doing no more than constantly bad-mouthing his daughter. During the week we have a tightly run household with a consistent routine and clear cut rules and expectations. Every other weekend, when my step-daughter comes to be with us for the weekend is a living nightmare. The atmosphere is tense. My two year old, who is otherwise very well-mannered and behaved, mimics the poor behavior of my step-daughter, turning into a tempermental mess and my frustration levels go through the roof. She is seven, still pees and poops her pants, is rude, disrespectful and downright annoying. She'll run around screaming, panting like a dog, and at times even salivating with a wildness I can't even begin to describe. Worse yet is that I feel like an absolutely horrible person for feeling this way. My husband understands my feelings but feels powerless to correct her bad behavior since we see her much more infrequently than he'd like to.
Whenever she is here I count down the minutes until she goes home on Sunday night so I can have my normal life back. I wake up each morning trying to have a positive attitude, thinking, today will be different. I wake up each morning thinking I will try harder, I will find that connection. Within minutes of the start of the day I am already defeated, already annoyed. Seeing my son pick up her bad habits infuriates me. Watching her have a complete disrespect for my home, throwing her toys all over, breaking our stuff with reckless abandon drives me insane. Watching her pretend to gag and cough with every meal I serve her makes my skin crawl. Again, I feel like a monster. After all she is just a kid. She can't help that her mom is a woman that got pregnant too young and was never able to mature to a level that allows her to be an effective parent. It's not her fault that her caretakers at home are mash up of grandparents, aunts, cousins and uncles all raising her with no values. It's not her fault that they tell her it's ok to lie to her dad, poop her pants, and talk back to adults.
What I think is the most frustrating is that with my son it's so easy. My husband and I are on the same page when it comes to raising him. My son is well behaved, he is respectful and polite; even at only two years old. I'm convinced he'll be potty trained before she is. What maddens me is watching him morph into some uncontrollable little monster whenever she is around. He doesn't listen, my perfect little eater all of sudden complains over his meals. He runs wildly through the house yelling and screaming with me constantly having to remind my little peanut that he knows better. I have to constantly discipline him for things he normally doesn't do because she sets a horrible example. My husband disciplines them both fairly and does the best that he can. She is a terror. It's so incredibly frustrating and I don't know what to do. This is life I have chosen but I don't remember her always being this way. I don't know if it became more of an issue after I had a kid of my own. I don't know if it's just getting worse because she is getting older. I don't know if maybe I'm just a horrible person.
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Yes, I agree. I have done a
Yes, I agree. I have done a lot of disengaging as of recently. It has been challenge but I think you make a good point about stepping back and leaving it up to him to correct the behavior. I wouldn't say he feels like it's vacation fun time but he definitely feels guilty about disciplining her all weekend and I think eventually gives up. I will have to try to focus more one on one time with my little guy. I think I feel guilty taking him away from her because despite her manic nature he is crazy about her. Thanks for your input it's nice to hear that I'm not crazy for thinking the situation is out of control!
OMG! I am a member on a
OMG! I am a member on a different step forum site and I have been looking actively for someone with a story like this one! I am in the EXACT same boat... minus your son. My SO's daughter is every other weekend and she is 7... Her mother is not fit for parenting, she's selfish and says and does things with her child and around her child which are completely ridiculous. In the beginning I used to take the SD out with me to functions etc without dad because she was good and we always had fun etc... then all of a sudden she began acting differently towards us. She is really disobedient and I REALLY think it is to do with her mother. And the BIOmom doesnt want me taking her anywhere without dad, although she sends her daughter to school without underwear and no lunch.. Whatever. Anyways... just trying to give a little bit of a background. Her mom also popped out yet another kid which may have something to do with her behavior.
I am in your boat. I really dreadddddd these weekends. It is so hard for me to watch this kid run around completely out of control. And dad of course has not been doing anything about it. We have had such issues, where I allowed her to help me cook one day, and let her spin the cesar salad etc. Of course she wanted to use the knife and cut things. I told her no because it was dangerous, she wouldn't listen. And my patience had run so thin I turned around and left the house and told him to deal with her. Later when he put her to bed I returned... This is just one of the many examples on an hourly basis of what goes on. And it wasnt that she didnt listen that one time that day was just enough. Dad was sitting in the living room doing nothing. One other story which was the last straw, I had my god daughter over swimming, and of course my SD and we were at my family's house. When it was time to leave I took my god daughter in my car, and of course SD wanted to come with me... I said okay because it was only going to be 25 min car ride. So we are on the highway and SD starts to push my goddaughter's baby seat back and forth (she is 3 and SD is 7). So the three yr old tells her to stop.. of course she doesnt listen, so i tell her. She would not stop doing it. I finally said it in a stern voice and told her she is going back in her dads car, called him and pulled off the highway.
It is not what she is doing that is so annoying to me because I spend a lot of time with kids, always have.. it is the fact that she doesnt have any respect for me and does not listen...
So after a lot of talking to other people and my mom... I literally told him that I was not taking her anywhere anymore, as per the mother's orders and my own personal choice. Which now I am glad for. So for the past 3 months I would say I havent done anything without dad. And it has been better. Dad is now doing all of the discipline. Dad actually tells her to stop doing whatever and she listens to him most of the time.. but it is a constant battle. People have asked me the same questions when I describe her behavior (if she has a mental disorder) which is that she screams really loud out of no where, and often, walks on tippy toes, acts very immature for her age etc. does not clean up anything after herself, she has NO respect for anything, she is rough with my two new puppies which I get extremely protective and upset about because they are innocent and I dont want them to be aggressive which will happen if we let her at them. And then on the other hand she really likes me, she always wants to do stuff with me, or help me etc.
I know what your feeling because I have been feeling horrible about my feelings towards her. But the truth is he has to deal with it. He has to step up and see that her behavior is absolutely ridiculous and do something about it. He also has to see that her behavior is affecting his partner drastically, and his new child. Which is also not acceptable. He needs to get all of the things you mentioned under control. We can't do it. They do not respect us because I am convinced their mother's tell them they don't have to. I am at the point that I leave my own house because it drives me so insane, and it also drives me more insane that sometimes he allows things I wouldn't want my children doing. So talking to him helped because he really is on her case about the things. I guess it is just really hard for the step mother because they are not ours we have no say over them and basically have to be around by default and not by choice. I used to cry at night and get so bent out of shape about how she was being treated and the things she has been subjected to, but once i realised that my SO will not do anything about it because if he says anything he is terrified he wont see his daughter anymore etc. I had to remove myself from the situation to protect my sanity and feelings... I am at a loss as well because like you say we chose this life, but I am soo terrified for the SD to affect my children as in your situation. That is my nightmare.... I don't think I would be able to keep my composure. I would sit down with your SO and say these are the things I cannot allow to go on anymore... and you need to get them under control. The first time you tell him he may not actually see that you are serious or how much it bothers you like in my situation, so i started to leave and really freak out on him when she wasnt around of course. Just put your foot down for the sake of your son and your sanity. It really is unfair to the step moms in these cases because we are stuck.
I feel even when I type this stuff that it sounds horrible.. I just cant help it anymore though. My dilemma is that I sometimes feel that because he has her that we will never be able to have our own life. It will never be me and him, and our children. There will always be this mess of his past that lurks with the biomom and the child.
Good luck with your situation!
Wow! It's nice to feel like
Wow! It's nice to feel like I'm not alone in this! Your story sounds almost identical to mine. I really don't think the issue is a mental disorder; she was tested for ADHD but it was determined she was fine. Of course that is all coming from the mom so who knows. She also is very bright academically. My step-daughter also walks around on her tippy toes, I had to chuckle when I read that. My husband does really try to keep up with the discipline but it's like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. If we do make any progress it's all wiped clean by the time we get her back again. Like it was mentioned above, I really feel like her mom tells her we aren't her real family, or she that she doesn't have to follow our rules, or respect me because I'm not her real mom. Like you said above, it really comes down the disrespect. I too have had moments where I tried to include her in cooking or other tasks and I end up completely irritated, wondering why I even bothered. I feel like I have no control over the situation. And just like you said my husband's ex threatens with custody all the time. Just last week they got into an argument over something involving my step daughter's care and the first thing out of her mouth was that he wasn't going to see his daughter for a while.
I feel like our whole life gets turned upside down every other weekend, and it's hard to deal with. It is definitely something I need to get under control.