To be honest, I can understand your BF to "certain" extent. The reason why I say that is because I see a lot of my DW's ex here. There are a lot of issues here that your BF has that is magnifying the problem. I didn't see anything in your post that stated he has his own children so I am assuming he has none? If so, how can he say that they have been improperly raised? It sounds to me like he just not used to raising children (or in this case young adults). Now my own stepson can be a PITA sometimes but I do love my DW and I try my best to understand my stepson. I don't love him and I don't think I ever will but I do care for him.

The other thing I see, is the "control" issue. Now I have reconciled with the fact that my stepson has a father whom he loves and has a relationship with that I will never have. My kid's father on the other hand? It seems everytime I do something or sayy something to my stepson, he tries to "undo" or countermand. It's a competition with him and stems from this gross sense of insecurity that he doesn't have complete control. That is what I see her in your BF. He is insecure and doesn't understand that in order for a blended family to work, you HAVE to make compromises. Until he can understand that and come to grips with the fact that he cannot control everything, it will only get worse for him, you and your children.

That being said, the other part that struck me about your post was this:

>Now I admit that they can run off at the mouth at times but didn't we all do that as teenagers?<

Uh...no.

The ONE time I ran my mouth off to my Mom, I didn't see my Dad standing behind me. The next thing I knew I was yanked by the back of my neck and was airbourne, sailing head first into the wall. Now I am sure that there are some teenagers out there that do get away with running their mouth. Like the griffon and the unicorn they are myths to me. My brother and I never got away with that sh*t.

If your kids come first before a marriage relationship then DO NOT GET MARRIED. Simple.

I'm not going to assume that it is anyone's fault. Your SO may be an obnoxious jealous control freak. Or you may have inappropriate ties to your ex and have children that are wild banchees.

You certainly have the right to put your children (even your adult child) at the top of your priority list. But just accept that most steps do NOT want adult children living in the home.

I have friends whose children were wild and crazy but turned out to be lovely human beings. I've seen other kids grow up in a more structured environment and turn out great. There's no one way to parent.

But I don't see how you two can be happy together if you do not agree on basic lifestyles. When your children are out of school and in the workforce are they still going to be the focus of your life. Will they always be more important and take first priority? If you have a vacation with a spouse and an adult married child wants you to do them a favor would you cancel your vacation? Your choice. I am not criticizing it - but be honest if you really want to share a life with someone or just a few hours when it is convenient.

Does he live with you? I have to say that if I had children that age I would not be moving a boyfriend in or getting engaged. Teenagers can be challenging enough for their own parents, let alone anybody else. Why would a boyfriend want to put up with cocky self centred teenagers, why would they want some new bloke thinking he can tell them what to do, and why would you want to be constantly refereeing, with everyone thinking you're letting the other side getting away with murder. For me the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. Your bf will never let it rest, why would he when he is unhappy with their behaviour? He will get more and more frustrated, your children will be increasingly resentful and uncooperative, you will be stressed and miserable. At best I would scale things back with your bf, tell him you can see its not working and you want to focus on your relationship and go back to dating rather than involve him with the children, ensure your children are pleasant and polite on the rarer occasions when they do see him. At worst I would reconsider the relationship altogether.

he its abusive!!! right.now it is verbal and emotional abuse. tell him to get the hell out now before he destroys your children's self esteem and happiness. What a JERK. What do you love about him anyway?

Get rid of that jerk. He wants to control you, yours and push their dad out of the picture.

Stay with him and your kids will hate you. In the case they will have plenty of good reasons for that hate. Is this guy worth losing your kids and grandkids over?

There's nothinh wrong with putting your kids first when you know you're dealing with him a SO who doesn't have your kids' best interest at heart.

That sounds like a good decision and there is little doubt that you and your children will be happier in the long run. The hard part may come in a couple of weeks time when the initial relief of the decision starts to wear off and you remember the things you did like about him, especially if he starts trying to convince you things can be different. You just have to stick to your guns.