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Trying to rise above the ex wife...harder every day

Losing it's picture

Hi! This is my first time ever "blogging". Smile A little history so you know me...I grew up in a divorced family from the age of 7. Had a wonderful home life, parents (all 4 of them) got along perfect, as far as us kids knew. Very happy, loving, large family.
First marriage - had a ss whom I still maintain a wonderful relationship w/ he & his mom. Never any issues during that chapter w/ the "joint famiy". Everyone said we were wierd about how well we all got along. Me...I don't like conflict & had no reason for it. However, my marriage ended due to numerous affairs on my husbands part w/ his female (college) students & the fact that he became abusive in all aspects. (I later learned the abuse was common w/ his sons mom too)
Second marriage - WOW - an amazing man, father & best friend. Everything a girl dreams about EXCEPT the twist of a mean ex wife. My husband's marriage ended 3 yrs before we married. My husband & I did become closer during his divorce which wasn't the best decision but that is a mistake we made. We were coworkers. I "knew" his ex for many years before their divorce & never realized the problems they had. Nor did he me. We both kept that private from others. Husband (H) & his exwife (EW) were married for 14 yrs, upon which she began having affairs (w/ his friend) 2 yrs into the marraige. She left the marriage but wanted back when she realized he was moving on. He took her back for the sake of his child & that a marriage is a very important commitment to him. He's confident there were more affairs but never "caught" her in the act, again. She's one of these women that make demands, he provides, then somehow when she changes her mind and no longer wants what she has, it is someone elses fault. Don't get me wrong, I am sure he had faults in the marriage too. We are all human but this man is as close to a saint as I ever knew. He has a heart & never would hurt someone on purpose. I just want you to see what we are dealing w/.
Bring you up to speed...2.5 yrs into my relationship & now marriage of 6 mths, w/ H, she continues the lies & manipulation w/ kids, family & friends.
H's divorce was amicable, no fighting, he offered to pay enough to cover her mortgage ($3000+) each month, pay for oldest private school education ($15M+ year) & took ALL their debt ($50M+) & has kids 50% of month. He is not just a weekend dad. We have them at least 2 days of every week, sometimes 3, and every other weekend. We live 10 min from ew. Anywho - She got away completely free w/ nothing but her car (which was paid for a year after their split) & youngest childs daycare ($600 mth) while making $80M+ salary. EW moved her best friend in home that H pays for ($475M home in GREAT area), had a date the night H moved out but somehow she is a victim in all of this. H's decision to finally leave would have NOTHING to do w/ her hateful, manipulating, dishonest, cheating, never. HA!
So, kids, HUSBANDS family (sidenote - she NEVER had a great relationship w/ them per HIS FAMILY) friends etc were told variations of: H abandoned her, the girls, never sees them, only has time for his girlfriend, she had to file bankruptcy, she can't afford the house he left them in, private school tution is breaking her, kids hate name it...she said it. All while, to our face...we think everything is fine. One day I have emails telling me how grateful she is to me to know her kids are loved, taken care of & happy when away from her & the next she is blaming ME for their divorce. Tells the kids she has no money, she can't take them on a vacation (& hasn't since the divorce) b/c she is broke but she goes on trips w/ her friends (even traveled the beach the WEEKEND WE MARRIED & stayed 20 min from us!!), refurnished her house, bought new carpet (all that wasn't necessary), bought a BRAND NEW, fully loaded car (worth #37M+) while H still drives a beat up minivan that he finally paid off...the list goes on. She's had a boyfriend ever since H moved out (well a few of them) but tells everyone they are just her "friends". See, H kept her infidelities private from everyone. Never told about her but now, b/c of the lies, he had to fill a few people (his family) in. We ignore her as best we can & have only had one face to face confrontation b/c of a game she played w/ H's family, the kids & their faith around confirmations. I could go on for days about the DAILY schemes she plays to make people feel sorry for her & attempts to make H & myself look bad behind our backs. We never confronted her on all the things we know she has said and done to kids, our family or mutual friends but It's getting harder each day to let these things go. Thank goodness the oldest has a wonderful, trusting relationship w/ H & confides in him the things mom says. Gives H a chance to clarify w/out anything negative toward ew. His answers are "sweetie, mom & I just got confused on our communication. Don't worry about it. Everyone is fine". WHAT DO WE DO? Keep rising above is what my H says. He claims that someone like her will show her true colors to people eventually but how long do we have to endure this until others see her for what she is? Unless we tell people all we do, people never will know & she wins by making others think we have treated her this way. I know actions speak louder than words & our family sees the truth as far as our relationship w/ the kids etc. I also am confident that the children know they are loved, they love being with us, we have laughter in our home, we don't speak of their mother at all to them...we ignore it all for them & it's worth it but it's getting harder every day! Oh, even when she has the kids, we still pick them up for alot of school events, activities the girls may want to attend...all b/c mom "can't", "she's too stressed", "can't take care of two kids on her own"... REALLY?? she doesn't! She has a live in BEST FRIEND, a 16 & 5 yr old daughter...friends & a steady boyfriend not to mention we do about 65% of the stuff both physcially & financially. She's not alone! She plays games w/ finding reasons to text, email or call H to act like she's engaged in the kids life, when it's just a tool or means to show control. I have prayed for her to see how great she has things, to see the love her girls receive (which she has admitted to us b/c she can't deny the truth to us, but nobody else), for her to have a happy peaceful heart...I just wish this would hurry up and happen. Is it too late...I'm just not a person to resign that there is no good in someone and think that my kindness, respect & love for her children will eventually rub off and she will be the adult that she should be & appreciate all she has. She has two intelligent, beautiful girls who have a ton of family that love & guide them, she has well more than she would get legally in our state but out of my husbands generosity, she got it to give her time to get settled on her own.
The latest, she's technically been in default of the divorce docs for 2 yrs as she was to have the house refinanced or sold to get out of H's name. She's yet to do that & we've not enforced it. We rent b/c we can't get a mortgage since he's still on her $475M home...That's fine..I can rent but it would be nice to be able to move on w/ our lives like she is & settle down. We want children of our own too but w/ all the instablity on the home situation, we want to wait. H approached ew about discussing a plan to help her w/ the house (still being too kind but this was our decision as we just want this over) & she is trying to say he needs to continue paying until 2012! That would turn a 3 year agreement into 6 (from the time they seperated). She's just so evil, vindictive, manipulating, selfish & dishonest! Guidance on the best steps for me??? Please pray for my H, his children & myself. I need the strength to ignore or guidance to find a fix.


LizzieA's picture

You may have to go back to court to force her to do something with the house. She sounds typical, plays the victim (like who cares lady?) in direct defiance of the truth. Ours is like that too. We went through the same trying to work with BM to solve the house issue. in our case, she cried that she had to sell it due to bills (she really can't afford it but insisted on staying there) but she wouldn't sign the listing paperwork. So they sold a lot instead, with a lot of hassle from her. I even did spreadsheets for the situation, that's how involved I was. She wouldn't take the lot with trailer--which would have meant $400 a month living expense, instead has a 1000 plus mortgage plus $3000 in taxes per year and utilities. She blew through that money, sold another lot, blew through that, finally DH had her refinance, basically giving up his equity to do so. Found out online that she added another $30,000 to the mortgage when she refied! So in 3 years, she has spent $80,000. And the place looks like crap.

What happens once the house is refinanced? Does she lose her $3000 a month? If so, she will fight you all the way!!!

DaizyDuke's picture

I went through the same house thing with my ex-husband and you will have to have your lawyer file contempt papers with the court as she is in contempt of the divorce agreement. But I suspect that your husband will not do that for fear of her repercussions, his kids losing their home etc.

Many here (myself included) will tell you how frustrating it is to deal with the psycho BM's who play the role of acting like they do everything for the kids, when in truth, they are only concerned about themselves.

My hubby's ex is dumber than a box of rocks (no joke) but she has her PHD in How To Manipulate People to Get What She Wants. She fluccuates from the "poor me" BM to the "do as I say or I'll make your life hell" BM... you really never know which one will crop up on any given day.

Unfortunately after reading your post, I don't think much is going to change for you because your hubby seems just like my hubby in that he just doesn't want to fight with her, it's easier to go broke than fight about money with her, easier to do extra for the kids rather than fight about what's fair with her, etc. I wish you luck and hope that you can find peace soon! Smile

Losing it's picture

It saddens me to know others are going through this same stuff. It's heartbreaking on so many levels. One question was about the $3M+ pymt. It would be to her benefit if she got out of the house & her exact words were, "I want out of this house so bad, out of the space, it's too big for me and the girls. I wish you guys would just take it over & let me find something else". BUT, once H mentions getting the house ready for she doesn't want to. I could NEVER live in HER house, like she suggested & to me that was just a smack in the face from her. The $3M+ is not tied to her living in the house. H even reminded her that he will continue paying her same amount until the deadline, in the paperwork, which is a little more than a year remaining. After that, it decreases to around $1200 which would be child support only (plus we still pay the private school edcuation etc). There is no benefit to her dragging this out, EXCEPT, the mortgage is in H name ONLY, which is one reason why we pay that directly. Trying to keep the chances of her ruining our credit down. We really don't want to take anyone back to court. That is stress on many people that would not be fun & it would definitely have a negative impact on the girls. We thought a year of planning for the sale is plenty time & hoping is sold fast, it would give her extra $$ in her pocket. If I was her...I would be all over that!! Smile

LizzieA's picture

So she has you over a barrel. Time runs out on agreement and your payment is down to $1200--but wait, she just won't pay the mortgage and it's in your DH's name! I'm sorry but I think you're going to have to force the issue. She has zero incentive to do anything about it.

Losing it's picture

Yes, unfortunately she has zero motivation & knows it is now hindering H & I. She knows if she does not refi or sell, we have no choice but to continue paying or let our credit go bad for failed mtg pymnts. I'm thankful my H realizes all of this too and it's not just me. So far the ew & I have not had bad words but I'm afraid I can't refrain my tongue much longer. It's extremely hard to watch someone you love, respect & know they have done everything humanly possible to keep things easy...get abused & taken for granted. As much as this is NOT my personality, if we have to threaten court, I guess that's what we will have to do. I pray, pray, pray it doesn't come to that.