Running out of patience
Hi,
I'm father of 7 children 5 of my own and 2 Step daughters. I have been with my wife for close to 10 years and married for 8. Let me start by saying, I love my wife and I love all of my children including my step daughters that I have raised since they were 4 and 5 years old. I truly love my step daughters as my own and love them just as much as my biological children. (Have had some say that is impossible but I assure, it is not impossible) To the question ❓. One of my step daughters is 14 and about 8months ago started sneaking out and doing things a 14 year old should not be doing. When caught she was disaplaine and things taken away, like softball and phone that she no longer has. In the process of this me and my wife has argued and constantly fight about her and disaplaine. A couple days ago my daughter was caught doing it again while me and my wife was out of town. Since she was caught the first time she has manipulated my wife in to thinking it is her fault and mine for the reason she acts the way she does. She told my wife that she doesn't spend time with her or doesn't do the things with her that she does with the other kids. Now this kid played school softball and travel softball and we are always away at events and things were it is just her and her mom or me and her or all 3 of us. Well her mom has spent more time with her and baby her, purchased just about everything she wants. Due to her manipulation. When she was caught the other day I was pissed and me and her mother has argued ever since. Lots of things has been said from both sides that probably either of us will never forget. ( But as a man , I'm am a shamed at some of the things I said to my wife out of anger) I'm to the point where i have packed my things and my kids stuff and moving out. We have scheduled a meeting with a counselor for tomorrow for our marriage, but I do feel like it's to late to work things out. Me and my wife only argue over the kids, never about us. But as much as I love my step daughter, I am starting to truly not like her. I'm looking for advice on what to do, do I keep trying or should I leave and hope one day things may work out for me and my wife after kids are grown? I love my wife and she is a good hardworking woman,but she can not find it within her self to realize her daughter plays her and causes problems between us to get what she wants all the time. Please give me your opinion. Help me make a decision. Thanks
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Comments
Time to do some reading and research
There are a great many resources out there.
Your wife is parenting out of fear and guilt and that almost never works. Ask me how I know.
You and her are a TEAM and need to be acting like it. Its not SD14 and Wife against the world...
Talk when things are calm in a calm way. Remind wife that you love your SD and are only out for her best interests. Period. Remind wife that it is important to properly parent SD14, not from guilt or fear. Remind wife that you are her spouse and as such you need to be included on her list of important beings.
Welcome, but sorry you are going through that.
Time for your DW to gain some
Time for your DW to gain some clarity. I do agree that a parent can love a nonBK as their own. I have done it for nearly 30 years with my SS-31.
However, until your DW pulls her head out of her ass, the outcome for your blended family is not likely to be positive.
Take care of yourself.
Sorry to hear this.
Sorry to hear this.
Parenting and stepparenting is HARD! 90% of my gripes with my ex (a staunch Disneyland parent) was about his lackadaisical parenting style which negatively affected the level of peace I had in my home and severely decreased my attraction to him.
I had a very similar situation as your. Tried to treat those kids as my own but at the end of the day we are human and those kids may not be able to be treated the same as our bios because we raised our bios from day 1 whereas the steps have have many other environmental influences that contributed to their development until the day we met them.
When parents disagree on parenting to the point it's causing strife in the relationship.... counseling should be done as soon as possible and regularly until on similar pages.
Once me and my ex started counseling, it was so much built up resentment and issues that it was indeed too late (unless we went to some month long intensive daily therapy without the kids).
Anyways IF you decide getting your own residence is a better option, try staying married but living apart. This way she can raise (or not raise / let the streets raise) her daughter - let her suffer the consequences of her choice to Disneyland parent, in her space - and you can maintain your sanity/peace in your own space.
Main reason SP is so hard
Bio parent is guilty, for there divorce, screwing up kids perfect life. [if so perfect there would be no divorce]. Haveing remarriage, what never goes as planned. Kids figure it out, playing bio parents against each other, SP against everyone else. With out knowing what SD did, and what her disaplaine was, still going on.?
At some point the kid has to figure it out by themselves. Good parents instill a valve system in there kids when they are young. At teenage, you just hope they make it through life until they figure it out. You realize, beside throwing her on the street , you really have very little power over control her now.
its unfortunately bad to lose a marrage over the kids, in 4 years SD will be at college, being a adult, haveing to get herself up to classes, homework, partying, boys ect. Big % of students can not navigate this. And don't make it past the first year. Maybe some time off, from each others [ and kid's problems] will do some good. Maybe you can just date for a time. SD is going to swim or sink. In the next few months.
Adulting can also be a
Adulting can also be a challenge for young adults from high quality intact families. It certainly was for me.
I resemble this example "will be at college, being a adult, haveing to get "him"self up to classes, homework, partying, boys ect. Big % of students can not navigate this. And don't make it past the first year.
Going from being the BMOC in a highly structured HS environment (Military school) to full autonomy at University was like I had died and gone to heaven. No schedule, no limits, no oversight, I ran amok.