That SD doesn't want you to sleep over.  And BF. Doesn't address the issue,  Telling her he run the home, and SD has no say in who stays over.  And Big NO. The relationship with SD will not get better.  You will pay for SD up keep buy her gifts and at 18 she will not know you.   She will not want you in her wedding photos or even at the wedding .  
Just start reading the blogs here.. These are real people. These thing really happen..   This is not a Hallmark movie, it's real life

1) Kids don't get to dictate adult relationships. It doesn't really matter what she wants. My only concern would be how your BF reacted and handled it. Did he shut it down and tell her that you were staying?

The daughter wanting to see wedding videos- not uncommon or something to worry about. Her parents were once in love and she came from a place of love. That is something kids need to know. Plus, mommy looked like a princess! She is 4. I get that and don't see any red flags on that one.

2) Tell him how you feel about babysitting her. If you do want kids with him in the future, you will probably get to the point of having one  more is no big deal but right now with not having kids of your own, taking on the babysitter role for her is more than you want. He has to be ok with that. 

3) Finances are a huge deal. Rarely will courts take into account the new spouses income. Only if your BF quit working and paying his cs or was trying to reduce his responsibility. Keep your accounts separate. 

I would be highly concerned that he is ok with BM not working and supporting her fully for the next 14 years. That is ridiculous. She needs to be responsible for her daughters cost of living as well. I would explain to him that while she isn't in school yet, you support him allowing her to stay home but once school starts she needs to get a job. The extras need to stop. Child support and school tuition are of course in the best interest of the child but the rest needs to stop. He makes good money but not good enough to continue fully supporting 2 homes and to have a future with you.

4) Only time will tell on the Disney dad and guilt. Having 50/50 helps with that because he is active in her life. IF you start noticing things- tell him and talk about it.

5) Yes, I don't think this is anywhere bad enough that I would give up on a man that I care for. There are some horror stories on here, I have lived them myself. This is a cake walk and I think if he is willing to work through the financial stuff, this seems like solid guy as a partner and parent. 

How long has he been divorced?  The fact that his wife is not working and he's paying her expenses (unless that is court ordered) is concerning. He's too enmeshed with her for my liking. 

In my experience, expectations for your involvement/ help with the kids increase over time.  Also in my experience, your interest in the skids decreases over time, exponentially when you have your own child(ren). I don't know if that's universal or just me. 

In retrospect, I do not advise marrying a man with kids if there are red flags unless and until those issues are dealt with.  You've got a few red flags flying here, as prior posters have pointed out. 

A woman your age with a great career and no kids should have her pick of eligible bachelors.

I'm afraid the BM in your situation is already textbook High Conflict. Doesn't want to work, entitled, manipulating the SD to romanticize the Holy First Family, resisting the divorce.

BM will PAS this girl, and your relationship with SD will never get better, only get worse. And at age 4, you have a very long road ahead of you. Even after 18, the BM and SD will use your SO as a wallet and try to wedge your relationship, and you will grow to resent that.

I have a daughter your age, and I would tell her to look elsewhere. If you still want to stay with him, and there is even a 0.00000001% possibility of his ex gaining some of your income, do not marry this man.

If bio mom didn't want the divorce she will likely not support her daughter having a relationship with you. She can make your life very hellish through manipulation of the child. 
Also, remember that society will expect you to "love her as your own" which of course is not realistic but that is the expectation and any deviation from that will be met with blank stares, fish face and harsh judgement.  
You don't seem like a "kid person." I think you should make a hard pass on this man. (Your own kid is not the same as someone else's kid.)

Here's what I'd tell my daughter, who is just a little older than you are.

Project into the future. What happens when you have children? If you want to stay home with them, can you? Or is all the money going to BM because she "doesn't want to" work. Well boo hoo for her. What about if YOU get sick and can't work?

I could not tolerate my SO supporting another woman. Hill to die on for me.

If your BF does not coddle his daughter (requires discipline, age-appropriate chores, enforces basic household rules, doesn't spoil her with special gifts and treats all the time, does not allow her to make or influence adult decisions, that kind of thing), then the SD isn't as big a concern to me. But it's definitely something to watch. The exwife, though, is a HUGE concern and I would not move forward in the relationship until he starts actually treating her like the EX.

Pass on this relationship and use it as a learning experience.

WTF he is going to support her because "mother of his child"?! What does that mean exactly? Forever? Until kid is 18? Is he going to be paying for her "retirement" and nursing home?

I mean... yea he might make more than you...but he is supporting TWO adults on that income, while you are only supporting one. What happens when you have children with him? You have to work but she doesn't? Or then he will be supporting three adults...plus kids on that income. Suddenly it's not that great of an income. 

I do believe I would pass on being a "sister wife". Seriously, you are worth more than that. Don't waste your life getting tied to this relationship. 

Let this one go.  A man supporting his ex while she stays home is a man too enmeshed with his ex.  That whole "I'd pay her expenses because she's the mother of my child" is a big red flag.  Her interest in the wedding video is odd to me.  Her having a say in you spending the night is not good.  Who runs the place there?  

She's sweet now but once Mom is through with her you'll wish you never knew these people.  

I don't regret marrying my husband.  I love him dearly, wouldn't trade him for anything in this world.  We have two beautiful kids together.  But I did and possibly do still, have some resentment from the past when BM was being a pill and he didn't tell her to knock it off.  He says he was afraid that she would come back and take custody of SS back, and demand child support.  I feel that she wouldn't have, I think she didn't want SS living with her, didn't want the responsibility, but we really have no way to know that.  He's grown, she's deceased.  I'd advise you to address these issues with him now.  Yes, your money will end up going to them some.  SS came to live with us and I supported him financially the same as my husband.  I did what the wise ladies here would advise me not to do.  I was fully engaged with him.  I helped raise him.  I did pretty much everything a mom would do, including discipline, with the permission of both bio parents.  He claimed to think of me as his mother.  Unknown to us he had pretty much cut BM out towards the end of her life.  But did he treat me like I was his mother?  No. No fault of BM, story for another time.  But I have seen stories on here of the BM alienating the skids from Dad and SM.  Dad is just an ATM, SM is an interloper who must be excluded, shunned, or in best case, merely tolerated but not accepted.  Neither I nor my husband speak to SS anymore.  The only good thing I can say is that he never has treated us like an ATM and he is a productive member of society.  

Society expects us to love them as our own but no expectations are put on the skids themselves, such as treating their step parents with respect.  SS did respect me growing up because I didn't tolerate anything less and both bio parents backed me up.  I treated my own stepmother with respect because for one it never occurred to me to do otherwise, and two,  both of my parents wouldn't have tolerated any less from me.  Not to mention I don't know what my stepmother would have done either.  It sounds like the bio parents in this situation would not have your back if his daughter started being awful.  You're young, find a childless man and start over.  

You can bring these issues to him but don't be surprised if he either says things will change but they don't, or he tries to manipulate you, making you feel guilty, insecure, jealous, or says you just hate his daughter because you have a problem with how things are.  

Putting a ring on can be the turning point for a situation to change into stephell.  She did not want the the divorce and  by marrying you, that signifies that there is no chance for reconciliation, that her ex has moved on.  That flips a BM into a HCBM.  ( high conflict birth mother) if she is really unstable you can add Golden Uterus into the mix ( I birth your child thereby I am in the exalted position and demand to be treated as such)  Right now  things are reasonably calm because BM still has control.  I suggest heading over to the website shrink4men.com for how this could go wrong.  Why can't BM work?  Why won't he make her step up and provide also?  Make it work with just the child support and none of the extra money?  All that money going to support his ex will in time affect the mood of your home. Bitterness will set in. It can turn you into someone you don't recognize.  To me, this is the Red banner to pay attention to.  The money part.  Also if BM is not working and sees the two of you living a great life because you both have great incomes, she will poison SD into being a brat.   I'd say keep looking.  Find a man with the same ambitions as yourself with out kids.  Start fresh with no baggage to challenge your relationship.  You sound like a great catch, don't sabotage your future with this guy.  

Thats what I would say to any friend.

His daughter will always be there. His ex wifey too, unless she unfortunately passes.

No way in hell would I want my income to help support the cushy ex wifey in her SAHM as I work away.

You are young, successful, and very thoughtful. Young lady single men with no kids do exist at your age. Find one where you have no hesitations. A man with an ex wife and kids rarely is an easy path. Knowing that, choose a smoother path.

Trust me you will find love again if thats what you are worried about.

Blessings hun

Nothing triggers a BM more than her ex husband moving on to remarry and have more children.

Being a stepmom to a stepdaughter is hard enough with hormones and mini-wife issues. Throw in a controlling and meddling BM and you have a nightmare.

I wouldn't marry a man who was still supporting an ex-wife that doesn't work.

I would not intermingle anything with him - finances, home equity, living together, marriage, pregnancy, etc... - until he is completely free off the BM gravy train. No way. So since that is not happening, you move on and find someone without this sort of baggage. You have way more going for you that this mess. 

Do you really think, after looking at the balance sheet, that this shit storm is what you want the rest of your life to look like?

This will never end. His womb donor will always be a Succubus on your relationship and on your marital finances. Your BF has clearly stated that he will support his womb donor though she is no longer his wife. Their daughter is already a Succubus on your partner and on you. She is a product of this shit show that your partner and his X have created. A 4yo does not get an opinion on you staying the night with your BF. That she feels so empowered, is a harbinger of the shit show that is ahead of  you in this failed family drama.

If you were my daughter I would point out that this is not your problem. You did not create it. I would tell  you to value yourself more than to sacrifice your future and happiness on the alter of Step Parent martyrdom to this failed partner and  his failed family.  How much he makes is not an acid test of the quality of this 'man'.  The balance sheet clearly indicates that neither he nor his failed family are a good investment of potentially the rest of your life.

Move on.

Hello and welcome to the site! 

I agree with Rags. 110%.  Reading your post, I saw red flags all over.  I know it is hard to see things for what they really are when emotions are involved and when the relationship is fairly new like yours is.

I find it unsettling how your BF treats is ex wife like she's still his wife.  He basically said in so many words that he'll always take care of her.  I don't think that's appropriate as they are no longer married.  The only person he should be providing care to is his daughter.  I see problems in the future with this arrangement.

The daughter not wanting you to stay over night at your BF's house speaks volumes about what is to come.  This is miniwife behavior.  As you and BF get more serious and as the daughter gets older, I think you will be exposed to more unpalatable behavior from this child.  She may end up acting entitled to all your BF's time and attention. That will leave you as the odd man out.

"He doesn’t have Disney Dad Syndrome(at the moment), however he told me that he feels guilty towards his daughter, because they got divorced when she’s so young, and she never had a complete family. I completely understand the guilt, but I also started to worry about our future." This comment really concerns me.  He feels guilty.  That right there is the main reason many parents become Disney parents:  guilt.  He might already be a Disney dad, but you don't see it because you don't live with him.  I was also bothered by your BF's request that you play with his daughter while he cooks.  This is another huge red flag.  It demonstrates how he is willing to expect you to sacrifice yourself for his daughter.  What would he have said if you declined to play with her because you were tired or didn't feel well?  My ex husband always wanted to go outside in the evenings and "play" with his adult son because he felt guilty his son had no friends (he did not make his son work or go to college).  I was exhausted because my day starts at 430am.  When I would politely decline to go outside and play all evening, my ex husband would be angry and belittle me for hours.  This behavior didn't show up until years into our marriage, but red flags that pointed to this behavior were there all along. 

I also find it telling that you have concerns about the future already.  Trust your gut.  Mine tried to warn me.  I had that little voice in my head telling me, "this isn't right" and I ignored it.  It you already have concerns and are posting on this site, there is a reason.

When you marry/date a guy with a kid, you will always come last.  And in this situation, it's highly likely you'll come behind the ex and the kid both.  I know things seem innocent enough right now.  But many times, you don't see what's coming until you live together, and sometimes then it still takes some time to gain some clarity of the situation.  By that time, it's even harder to leave.  I wasted 9 years of my time and my remaining young/childbearing years with a man who always put his son first and in the end, he refused to have kids with me because he didn't want his son to feel left out. 

You have to decide what's right for you.  Speaking from my own experience, being a step parent was awful and it is something I will never do again.  And if I knew then what I know now, I would never have gotten entangled with a man who has a kid of any age. Ever.  When you marry a man with a kid(s), you are always last.  And you can't be expected to love a stepkid they way a bio parent would.  It isn't nature's way. 

Please keep us posted and take care of yourself!  *****HUGS****

You are 30 and want kids soon. He already had kids and did the marriage thing. You are wasting your time and headed for heartbreak and disappointment

Take it for someone who was young, never married and childless and took the plunge, it was EXTREMELY disappointing.

My DH85 also supported 2 households.  I think he even preferred it that way since his own upbrinhing was chaotic and he wasnt raised by his mother.  So, he wanted that for his 3  kids so paid over and above the court-ordered CS so the kids could stay in the marital home with unemployed BM.  He even bought her a car.  I had huge issues with all this but I'd quit work to cope with the 3SKs' weekly visits and long summer visits as well as my own 2 bios and keeping the house going while DH worked a hectic job.  So, I definitely understand your concerns around all this topic.

If BM just remarried, why is he paying for expenses not specified in the court order?   She and her new DH should be covering her expenses, not your BF.  If she and new hubby decide she can afford to be unemployed, great, that's their concern, not something your BF should facilitate.

If you decide to go ahead with this relationship, just know things can change unexpectedly.  Never in a million years given BM's Mama Bear persona did I ever think we would end up with full custody of my 3 SKs but it happened and could happen to you.

Good luck.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this will never end.  I was in your shoes 30 years ago and thought that it would work, but I was clearly young and naive.  Even with the huge advantage of distance from my adult SD, she still is the number one reason for conflict and stress in my marriage. Your future husband will never be able to manage his relationship with her in a way that is fair to you. I unequivocally advise against marrying a man with a child. 

[1] My 1st concern is regarding the relationship with his daughter.

I don’t know… just felt weird. From your perspective, is this something to worry about?

No, why would you worry about BM's wedding? That's not your business, but ifa 4yo wants to talk about it, there is no problem with that, it's a happy thing for her.

Also does the relationship between daughter and stepmom usually get better as she grows up?

No, absolutely it does not, it gets worse. SD's have this strange loyalty to their mothers, that mean ANYONE who is female coming into the house is an enemy.

[2] My 2nd concern is related to responsibilities.

Did you take on more responsibilities for step kids as you continue the relationship? And do you think it’s worth it?

I did at first, and I wish I hadn't, I now take on the "not my circus, not my monkey"

[3] My 3rd concern is about finance.

Any suggestions on overcoming this feeling? 

If possible keep finances separate, like DO NOT PUT THEM IN HIS ACCOUNT.

Also, how do you split finances when you marry a man with a kid & child support?

You have your bills, and he has his. split approximetly 50/50 regarding house bills, and ANYTHING pertaining to the child is his responsibility.

[4] My 4th concern is regarding our future kids.

Will the guilt ‘grow’ with time? Will that impact how he treats his future kids when his future kids have a ‘complete family’? 

More than likely yes, unless you snap him out of that guilty feeling. more than 50% of the kids don't have an "intact home" it's ok. It's better that she doesn't remember, because then that's all she knows, she doesn't know anything is different. Guilt is a powerful motivator, he needs to stop now.

[5] Lastly, based on what I mentioned, will you continue the relationship if you were me?

I know this is subjective, but if I were your daughter, what would you say to me?

I wouldn't stay, if I could redo things in my own life I would. Find someone who doesn't have that extra baggage.

----------------------------

I have typed a response and deleted it several times due to it being novel length. I don't even know where to start. 27 years in and I have nothing but regret. I could go on and on and on. Run fast and run far.

I echo everything that Someoneelse said except for one little thing. When a SK goes on about Mummy and Daddy's wedding or some other thing that your SO and his ex did together, it gets tiring. There's already constant reminder that you're the 2nd wife, but due to little poopsie doodles being so young and not knowing better, she will never be corrected or redirected about when to go on about, say her parents wedding, or when not to. 

Believe me, it gets old. My SKs were a bit older than your SD but the constant, "Daddy, are you and Mommy best friends?" as they whip their heads around to flash a smug look at me or check my face for a reaction, there's DH not knowing what to say and say, "well, I guess so." And I have to be the noble one to sit there and hear that kind of crap constantly. Believe me with everything else piled on, the kid saying shit like that gets real old real fast. There's only so many times you can stand hearing about your SO's wedding with another woman. 

Not a day goes by that I don't regret marrying my DH. It just wasn't worth it. I'm staying with him because we both decided to go into intensive therapy individually and marital counselling and things are a lot better, but I still feel like I wasted my life. I was your age when I met my DH and "settled" because I just wasn't meeting men who weren't already married with brats. I felt that if I didn't grab onto my DH I'd never get to get married like everyone else and at that time, I really NEEDED it. I was not in a good place. 

Don't even get me started on the money flying out the window to a cheating slut who refused to work. I make good money and invested to create another stream of income, but that's not the point. It's the symbolism of MY husband's money flying out the window to another woman. He just didn't get it. Or pretended not to. The excuses of it being for the mother of his two older children just didn't fly. He paid way more than child support. It hurts witnessing that. No, it didn't impact me financially but it was just one more reminder that I had a sister wife. 

I would also really delve into what made your SO decide to divorce his ex when she didn't want that. What's his reason? You have the right to know if you're with one of those serial leavers. You have the right to make an informed decision on the possibility that he'll do that to you. My DH's ex has a pattern of blowing families up. She cheated when my SKs were babies and then when SD33 had her baby, BM went nuts and she and SD are now no contact. It's because that's what BM does. A baby comes along and she blows up the family. If it were me, I'd really want to know why your SO divorced when his ex didn't want to. If he's vague about it and doesn't share details with you, I'd take that as a huge red flag and run. I know that when I met my DH I sure as hell asked him what made him divorce his ex when he had two kids he adored. I was on the lookout for what he said. If he was vague or gave some half-assed excuse I wouldn't have even had another date with him.

I have a DD22. I have actually told her, even right in front of DH, to not ever get with a man with kids. It's nothing less than soul-destroying. 

Oh, how is your SO's family when it comes to the ex? Do they constantly bring her up? Do you go to family gatherings only to see BM sitting there? Yeah, that's a huge problem too. Family guilt can cause undying loyalty to the ex and it never ends. I have recently banned DH's entire clan from my house because after 27 fucking years I'm so sick of hearing about BM. Why they constantly have to bring her up is beyond me. And I wasn't the other woman. I didn't meet DH until 3 years after their divorce. I just don't get it. Anyway, I have put my foot down and refuse to spend holidays with people who constantly bring her up 30 years after the divorce. 

And all of this was only the tip of the iceberg. 

I can only add this: your gut is telling you something, listen to it. 

Finances are a big thing in any marriage. He works, you work, she doesn't have to? That means that in the future you will responsible for more than 50% of your new household expenses so that she can live in the style she's accustomed to? how is that fair in any way? She can work, she doesn't. As long as your gut is telling you there's an issue w/ that ... listen to it. 

Honestly, this does not sound like a great situation...

His daughter is very young.. it will be a long term situation with her.  You do want other kids.. but don't want much of anything to do with her.. that in itself will set up a difficult dynamic in your home.

Will your relationship get better/worse?  The odds are not in your favor.  My relationship with my SK (5 and 9.. now 25 and 29) did get better.. but there were plenty of frustrations along the way.. I was able to get over and past things.. and they were too.. a lot of what happens is actually not meant personally.. but it feels very personal.. and I even say when they tell you "you are not my mom.. I don't like you".. it still in a way isn't personal.. they would likely have that exact same response to anyone in your position..  but things often deteriorate when you marry.. and have that other child with your SO.

I was three years younger than you when I got married to my DH. It's been nearly 10 years and I feel and act like I'm about 90 years old. Don't be me. Don't make the mistakes I did. I still love my DH but if I had to do it over again with the lunatic BM, the lazy lying SD, and the rest of the 3 ring circus that has aged me well beyond my years? Nope. I would have run. That's my advice. Run while you can.

relationship, or in a post out of wedlock breeding relationship, do not immediately and for all time keep the X(s) in their place and keep any failed family spawn that either or both bring to the new relationship firmly in their place.... the new relationship at best is doomed to failure. At worst it is doomed to provide a life of abject misery, pain, and suffering. To one one if not both partners, and even more sadly, to any children they may have together.

Sooner or later, usually after a far to long hellish experience, either the rlatonship fails as it should, or... one of the partners continues to sacrifice themselves on the alter of martyrdom to their partner's failures as an adult, a parent, and a partner.

Why do that to yourself?

Better to not sully your life with the stench of a failed family gene pool.

Welcome ,,,,but RUN!  you sound like a smart eligible women , i wouldnt be wasting my time digging deeper into this situation,,, because thats all it will most likely ever be for you with this man,,, only a situation because he has the relationship with his XW.  you will always come last, not 2nd or 3rd ....LAST.   

Ask yourself these few questions and then see how you feel about it:

Are you ok being alone on xmas morning while your BF is spending it with his daughter and XW opening gifts from santa etc,, you wont be invited and never will be because of the BM, will you be ok with this?

Are you ok with your BF attending the kids birthday parties that BM organises, once again you wont be invited and never will be because of BM, will you be ok with this? 

Are you ok with your BF dropping everything everytime the XW calls and needs something whether its about the kid or not because he will, will you be ok with this?

Are you ok with your BF basing anytime he spends with you around the XW and daughters schedule ?

If you end up having a child with this man ,,, whoa watch out thats when the real drama begins.

the list is endless with things like this , you may be accepting and tolerent to begin with not to upset the apple cart but it wears thin very quickly.   I did 10 years of this crap and had to call it quits for my own sanity.  That man was the love of my life but if i could travel back in time , i would never have gone there.   Its really good you are seeing all these little things now early on , find yourself a childless man that you can both experience firsts together with .  goodluck keep us posted

Get on with your amazing life.  The baggage is far to blatant and far to large for there to be much if any chance at all of this working out as a happy life for you.

What happens if your BH loses the big income?  Who gets to support the ex-wife and your boyfriend?  This actually happened to a good friend of mine. She married a man with one child and an unemployed ex-wife.  He had a great job with a great income and was financially supporting the ex-wife and child.  My friend had a good job and good income, with lots of benefits.  Literally a couple of months after the wedding...he quits great job to follow his "passions", that is to be a faith healer and trained fire-walker. I kid you not.  That marriage lasted a few years followed by a very messy divorce (he demanded but did not receive spousal support). To this day, he still tries to get back together with her.  I vote for run away from this situation. Things can go very bad, very quickly in situations such as yours.

Be glad he didn't try harder. Him giving up so easily proves you made the right decision. He has too many priorities and none of them are you. Believe him. You are a young woman with a great career and no kids. The world is your oyster! Go out and rediscover what it's like to have fun!

The end of a relationship involves some pain, even if it wasn't the right relationship. Grieve what might have been and learn from the experience.  You are a wise woman and you listened to your internal doubts and did not allow the very real issues that troubled you to be rug swept. Kudos to you - i think you dodged a bullet. I also find it telling that your ex didn't prioritize you and wasn't willing to fight for you through all the "challenges" of his life. Don't get me wrong - I think that's ultimately a good thing for you - but if you reflect on that you'll know this wasn't the right relationship for you. 

"...his decision of giving up this relationship still got me heart broken, maybe deep inside I wish he tried harder(I know this is childish)."

Be careful, be VERY careful. He may have wanted to give you the impression that he let you go easy.  This may very well be a psychological tactic on his part and he may be manipulating you. Making you think less of yourself - which is exactly what you are doing by refering to yourself as "childish" and his comments did indeed target your deepest feelings, and maybe even a little guilt for a guy who has so much on his plate. Wah wah.  Don't fall for it. 

 This sounds like a guy who may very easily call you back in a week or so and say he made an awful mistake and wants to try again. Don't!  Wish him well, tell him HE can't give you what YOU want, and say goodbye. Better yet, I'd block him for awhile if I were you. 

Remember - HE didn't give up on this relationship, YOU did. Don't put him in the driver's seat of YOUR life. 

Keep this in mind: Somewhere out there is a man (maybe even a couple of years younger than you) who has never been married, isn't supporting a former partner, doesn't have children, and can't wait to get married and start a family - with YOU!  Go find him...

A 4-year-old mini wife.

This guy sounds like the type to come sniffing around again, trying to draw you back in. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Don't even respond so much as to wish him well. Your job is to protect your sanity, not his fee fees. Block him everywhere--phone, email, Fakebook. No contact is your friend.

Please keep checking in. We're all worried about you.

stay strong ,, and in a few weeks you will be feeling stronger and happier and wishing you had done it sooner.  In a couple of months he will be nothing but a distant memory and you will giggle to yourself thinking about all the shit and drama he will continuosly be going through,,,and none of its your problem!   please dont put yourself down thinking your emotions are childish etc ,,, becasue they are NOT!   good on you girl!!!

He still had feeling for the ex,  you would be using your money ti support the ex.   Not a good feeling.  He will always be short of money because the ex is playing the sick game.
She will always be sick,, she will never work. Sick..always need exter money..sick..  to vacation in the warm ..sick,.  

When BF runs out of money you would be making it up. 
You made the right choice 

If you were my daughter,I would tell you not to sell yourself short. Don't get involved with a man who is willing to pay for his ex's requirements just because she had his child. He's divorced, she is not his responsibility. If he chooses to be shackled to her then he isn't worth your time.  Look at his choices and ask yourself whether they are necessary or whether they are enabling his ex.

Bottom line - if you are not Queen Bee in EVERY SINGLE case,then run like the wind. You can do so much better than be second or third class in a "family" that is not of your making . I raised you to respect yourself - what happened?

RUN!

I know you posted this like a month ago so I'm a bit late, but wanted to add my thoughts since our situations are similar. 

First, it sounds odd that a parent who is so ill they cannot be employed has 50% custody. To clarify, is their divorce finalized and do they have a completed coart order? The point of divorce is to make it so your life is no longer tied to the other person for life, but just tied to your kid for life. Alimony must have an end date. Even though she's sick.... it would be crazy to me if he was obligated to her for the rest of her life. 

It's great to hear he isn't a disneyland dad. I think if he isn't showing those signs now, you're in the clear at least for that. It's hard to say if over time it gets "worse" or "better" because it can depend on the circumstance. But I believe it is at its height in the beginning. However, something could come up that may trigger that down the line. 

I think I would feel weird about the wedding video thing. If the kid is only interested in white dresses, I mean there are a million other options to show her. One thing that sucks about being a stepparent is the kid roping in the other bio parent. There's the obvious things like her gabbing about what she did at her mom's. But there's also video chatting while you're there, the kid being handed off with a gift to the dad, the kid openly comparing you to their mom. After reading all of these stories, it's a total roll of the dice on whether certain things could get worse or get better. 

I think it's sweet the daughter is taking to you so well with wanting to play and hold your hand. That's a great sign. I think it's also good that she feels comfortable to voice her boundaries and say she doesn't want her dad's new gf to spend the night. Hopefully that means conflict resolution will be easier down the line since she doesn't feel the need to hold it in and let it leak out in passive aggressiveness. But I also wonder if they co-sleep? That is a problem that would need to be addressed before moving in together for sure.

Whether I think you should stay I think lies in the fact that you don't enjoy spending time with his daughter. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. It IS a job lol people get paid to do that. For me, the child wasn't the issue. I enjoy spending time with him (most of the time). My issue was with BM and actually my BF. Anyway. If you only want to come home and just fully relax and unwind every night without his child there, and his daughter coming to his place is something you dread, then it might be good to examine if this is a relationship for you. It sounds like he's fairly reasonable, tells you he doesn't want to burden you with responsibilities and that's great. But it also makes it hard, huh. 

I will tell you what DOES get worse for sure: the honeymoon phase. Right now the way you feel about him is really powerful, but you gotta imagine that diminishing, and being left with sharing a home with his daughter 50% of your evenings. Also, and you will see this come up if you read enough stories on steptalk, but there is always a possibility that his daughter could over night become his full time. And since the BM is sick.... which I'm not sure what that means... it could definitely be in the cards here. 

How are things going now that it's been a few weeks??

Good luck!