Do you ask CP the tough questions?
Am I crazy to think this way?
DH was awarded custody of his two teenage kids last Sept (2009).
Mom is disabled, but never really worked much before than either. DH always paid his child support weekly when she had custody ($150/week). She constantly harrassed both of us for more money, that his kids weren't his priority, that he needed to pay more for every thing under the sun (extras - school pics, clothes, medical bills despite what the court order said). And he did pay a lot of extras.
She moved half way across the country (part of reason custody changed). No income. Up and left her husband, house in foreclosure, pending bankruptcy, bills everything....just left them immediately. Moved in with her boyfriend (so has been living with him for about a year....she's still married to her previous husband).
Judge ordered her to pay $20/month. She doesn't even pay that. We cover everything. DH works 60 hours a week, I work two jobs and provide all insurance for them. She does NOTHING. They fly to see her Xmas break, spring break, and summer. She pays airfare to get them there, we pay for kids to get back. When she was CP and we lived 4 1/2 hours away, she refused to help with transportation...funny how things work now that situation is reversed.
She testified she was on 3rd SSDI appeal, but believe she has just let all of that go (but am not sure).
She tells us things that the kids need (recently luggage with wheels for flying, more therapy for the kids when they are doing incredibly well, etc.)....
I have a very difficult time when she barks these things at us, when she isn't offering to help support her own kids AT ALL.
Am I wrong in thinking that DH has the right to ask her the tough questions....such as what efforts she is making to help financially support her kids, what is the status of disability (he suggest that with no income she has to be eligble for some sort of legal aid), or what is the status of her online school that she has been doing for a good 4 years to be able to work at home with her disability? (Pretty sure she quit that).
She is just sitting back and doing nothing. And the hypocrisy of her own behavior is royally a stumbling block for me.
She responded to the above questions with this: "when my financial situation changes you will be the first to know..."
She has a warrant out for her arrest since Nov of 2008, sanctions have been placed on her license for not paying the $20/mo ordered support. She does nothing...sits at the computer most of the day, plays online games, chats, visits all her fibro sites. That's it.
For those of you in similar situations....do you never mention anything to the other parent? Or do ask them about their situation? Do you ask the tough questions? I know she doesn't have to tell us anything about any of it, but I feel that DH has a right to ask those questions for the sake of his kids who deserve the love and support (including financial) of BOTH parents.
He just thinks she's an idiot and that it's a complete waste of breath. He's right, but I still think that he periodically needs to ask those questions of her...whether she responds or not.
How do you just completely let these things go and do nothing and accept it or even ask CP about it when they are doing nothing.
Any thoughts that can help me overcome this?
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I think he has a right to ask
I think he has a right to ask those questions if merely as a defense against her "bullying" you guys into shelling out for unnecessary items on top of what you're already doing.
For the most part though, he is totally right. It's a waste of breath. One of my favorite sayings is, "You can't fix stupid."
If I was him, I wouldn't bring it up until she starts whining about you guys buying crap like luggage to come visit HER. Then he can tell her to get off her ass, make some money and buy it her own damn self and if she can't do that, then maybe they should sit this visit out if the luggage is all so damn important.
But as for you, you need to let it go. Make peace with it. Her lack of desire and initiative to be a fully functioning human is in no way your responsiblity or should even be your worry. Just let it go and live YOUR life with your hubby and skids as best you can.
Thanks for your thoughts. The
Thanks for your thoughts. The rational part of me agrees with you and really knows this...but here is just one example that I can't just let go (which I know I should be):
She asks for an update about SS and braces...SS went to ortho before going to mom's for the summer. Was doing great with brushing, etc. Goes back to ortho 2nd day he's back here. He tells the ortho that he maybe brushed his teeth once per week and drank full sugar Mountain Dew all summer. Ortho laid into him pretty hard. His braces were growing over his gums. He's nearly in tears as they try also to do his 6 mo. cleaning it hurt so bad. SS is old enough to take responsibility on his own, but doesn't a parent at least help when you know what will happen if you don't? Do you not tell this to mom? Or do you just suck it up and let it go?
Grrr....probably just let it go, but it's really tough.
In addition, she knows that you are paying for all of ortho expenses. She had SS get braces on Medicaid (went through it all before even telling DH about it) when she had custody. This was in a town 1 hour or so from where she lived...where she had briefly moved to a while back to be close to her on line boyfriend. That lasted about 4 months and moved back to home town. Didn't take him to regular appts (had braces on teeth for 6 months before even taking him back). When custody was changed, she pretty much told DH that he was an idiot for taking him to an ortho here when it was all paid for 3 hours away from where we live and that we should be taking him 3 hours (one way) once every 3 weeks, take a day off work to do so (lost income), SS would have to miss a day of school every 3 weeks (which is not good, long history there), miles on already worn vehicles...but yet has the audacity to tell DH that he's the one who chose to pay for braces when they were already paid for. It would have cost more to take him there.
But yet, she can't even be responsible to ensure that SS brushes his teeth every day? Really?
I know...let it go. But it's not quite that easy. It does feel better to vent here though:)
Thanks again for your thoughts, hopefully I can get to that point of just letting go.
Ya, I don't know what to tell
Ya, I don't know what to tell you. It is annoying the crap they do and say and it's hard to let it go. But I think eventually it will get easier for you. You've got some fresh "wounds" to deal with here. Once you start laughing off the idiocy it becomes easier and easier to do so. It just takes time and practice.
But having said that - I do have some advice on the braces thing. If his braces are in fact all "paid up" at the other ortho - which I think that's a funny way to phrase it considering she didn't pay a dime, orthodontists will transfer the payment to a new orthodontist.
I know because I moved to another state while I had mine on. They were all paid up when I moved, I had about a year left to go on them and my orthodontist found me a new ortho and paid him. I didn't have to pay anything for switching. I got my own braces in college because my parents couldn't pay for them when I was younger so I remember it perfectly. You should check with the kid's old orthodontist.
Yep, I was kind of amazed too
Yep, I was kind of amazed too at the time, but my original ortho was awesome. In fact, I ended up only staying in the other state for about 9 months, moved back to the town with my original ortho and he finished it all up without me paying any extra.
Luv them all - TWO in braces
Luv them all - TWO in braces all on your own! Oh my, I couldn't imagine:) Your ex doesn't help with anything, or any child support? And you can just let that go. It doesn't even get to you for a second, even on a bad day? Yeah - I definitely need whatever you have to get to that point...lol. It's admirable.
stepmasochist - we did talk to them last year, and I can't even remember the reason now, but it couldn't be transferred. At the same time, we felt a responsibility to pay for it, not the taxpayers, because we aren't in half as bad a situation as many others, we make good money - just lots of bills. It's a struggle and would be nice to have it paid for, but somehow we manage...and are counting down the days until about next August when they will be paid in full:) Didn't help that the previous office was really pissed off about something....pretty much hung up on us several times and were extremely rude. Thanks for all of your thoughts too...they have been really helpful. DH is at the point where he can easily laugh it off and I guess that's what I love about him...I guess I've really got to take some of the things said here more to heart and work harder at getting to the point.
If she has a warrant for her
If she has a warrant for her arrest she is probably not eligible for ssd.
He has every right to counter
He has every right to counter her with those questions!!! Don't let love them all get to you she can't see both sides to anything! I understand where you are coming from and I would be telling my dh the very same thing! I have before too when bm was calling all the time for more money unreal! Especially if the bm is not working before and after I mean come on. I don't understand why when the shoe is on the other foot that you can't do the same crap to them at least you will be trying to get some money from her.
"If she has a warrant for her
"If she has a warrant for her arrest she is probably not eligible for ssd."
Is this true? That would shed some light on a few things. Not that it really matters, but would help me understand it. I just feel that she is just sitting back enjoying the ride of no responsibility and not following through on things, such as ssd or school. I know it's none of my business. But if I understand things correctly, if she did get ssd, the kids would receive benefits (we would since they live with us)...it would be nice to put that into college savings for them, since they are going to be on their own for college otherwise.
I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't even KNOW there is a warrant out for her arrest...seriously. I made sure to call the state to give them her new address since she never does. Probably not the best thing to do, but I had the info so...I'm just being a responsible citizen...lol.
Yes, you can't receive ssd
Yes, you can't receive ssd when there is a warrant out-at least that is my understanding
We use the "Facts are not
We use the "Facts are not good or bad they are just facts" methodology to govern how we address your topic of discussion.
"Hey, when are we going to see the court ordered CS you are obligated to provide?" No judgment, just a question based on the facts of the situation.
My wife is the CP and we pretty much ignore any question from the BioDad and SPermClan because they are pretty much toothless morons who are not worthy of a response. However, theydon't ask many questions. On the other hand, we tend to ask the tough questions of them.
1."Does the kid have a bed to sleep on when he is on visitation you? It is our understanding that your GFs kids and the half sibs get the beds and OUR son gets the floor? Is that accurate?"
2."Why do your children live with your parents while your GFs kids live with you? If that is the case you are not visiting with the kid during your visitation so we will just quit putting him on the plane."
3. etc......
I would ask the questions. Not in an aggressive or confrontational way, but I would ask just so the blended family opposition knows that they are not getting away with their crap.
Some people are capable of being so self delusional that they will miss the point your questions are attempting to highlight, but most will get it and will understand the message that you are sending ... that they are a worthless POS.
IMHO of course.
Best regards,