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When PAS Backfires

Thisisnotus's picture

It's just one thing after another for me these days. Skids were gone for a week with BM out of was peaceful and resembled some form of normalcy. Well they returned and life is back to being full of drama and stress......DH spent half the day yesterday at work on the phone with BMs and/or SD' he comes home stressed of usual.


So SD12 is PAS'd by BM for almost 2 years...SD16 not PAS'd but not for failed attemps...prior to that zero issues with SD12 staying with us. She hasn't spent the night with us now in almost 2 years.....well unless we go on a vacation then of course it's no problem for her and she doesn't even call BM. haha.

So now I am super annoyed b/c there is drama in my house but also sort of amused that this is happening. For the first time since PAS, BM wants to go out of town alone last minute this weekend so she's in full panic mode. She decided to begin with attempting to  strip DH of his weekend with kids so that the kids aunt could stay with them at BM's house....both kids not just the PAS'd one WTF? So of course in DH fashion he is like oh whatever is fine....I dont' want to rock the boat....I won't force her to stay here....blah blah blah. She can stay with aunt...I will give up my weekend....I don't want to upset the poor fragile little thing.

BM then begins saying she really wants SD12 to stay with DH this weekend and how she tried to talking to her and telling her that. She's telling DH how SD12 needs to start staying with him....again WTF? She's made it her goal for her NOT to stay over night with DH...but now b/c BM wants to go out of town it's okay. The kid literally has a full on panic attack and starts praying out loud anytime she has "tried' to stay over our house after PAS success. She won't even stay with MIL who basically 1/2 raised her.

BM is telling DH how badly she wants to go out of town....but doesn't know what to do with SD12. Are you kidding me  you idiots?  She is 12, you are the adults. Tell her you are going out of town and then tell her tough shit she is staying with her dad for the skid tells DH that she will stay at our house friday night but wants to stay at BMs with her aunt on Saturday night...oooohhhhkay kid. This is what happens when you give a kid options.

So now in good fashion....we have DH all worked up, MIL is all worked up, I just want to take my kids and leave for the weekend to spare us more drama, SD12 will act like a basketcase starting Friday afternoon......BM will call again and stir things up with DH and he will think this is all normal and fine.

It's the weekend before school starts.....I wanted to just enjoy it and do something fun with all the kids. Am I just wrong for thinkign my DH should have shut her ass down and just said, NO....SD12 will stay with me for the entire weekend b/c its MY weekend not her aunts weekend....end of story??? He is so afraid and it's so annoying that everyone has to suffer.....literally NO drama while these morons were out of town last week.


tog redux's picture

Parental Alienation Syndrome. 

It's interesting - your DH takes a passive approach to his daughter being alienated, works with BM to help her alienate SD, and the kid still ends up alienated. My DH took a hard-line approach to BM, had nothing to do with her, and SS was still alienated.

Just goes to show it doesn't matter how you approach it.  But I would be beyond annoyed if my DH had taken the approach of helping BM alienate his own child from him, so I don't blame you for being annoyed with yours.  

Thisisnotus's picture

Yeah since the begining of the PAS DH has helped BM....I don't even think he realizes it which makes it even more insane.

I also often wonder if BM does this to keep being able to call DH on the phone and have long text conversations. Otherwise, there is nothign to speak to him about. She also has them at the doctor every other week which I think is another attempt to keep the phone calls coming. I have been quiet about their communication and BM's nonsense....but after almost 3 years it is really getting old.

lieutenant_dad's picture

He should have either taken SD for the full weekend or said "gee BM, since SD has such an issue staying with me and being away from you, I'd hate for her first weekend back at our house to be when you won't be available to help calm her if she has a panic attack; how about we start overnights again slowly, starting with one night, the next visit?"

I'd also give my DH a piece of my mind, and then go do something fun elsewhere for the weekend. If he is going to bring stress and drama to your home, and you want your kids to have a stress-free weekend before going to school, then take them out of town for a surprise mini-vacay. Your DH won't even attempt to put an end to these shenanigans until his buffers (you and the other kids) aren't there to protect him from his own parenting fails.

Thisisnotus's picture

I couldn't agree more. He was just nice as pie to BM b/c she must have been on her good meds yesterday.

I actually thought about just getting my kids out of there for the weekend....but instead I told him I'd book us all a weekend getaway in town at the beach....I added "problem solved, we will all stay in a resort this weekend to avoid any and all drama".......his reply to me was " I wasn't planning on there being any drama this weekend" uhhhh okay.

lieutenant_dad's picture

You realize booking that vacation only reinforces to your DH that you think he is doing the right thing, right? Like, "oh, SD is going to make an appearance and she struggles with us, better role out red carpet treatment and have a FUN weekend so she doesn't have to overthink about missing BM."

You are giving him EXTRA buffer by pulling him into a "special" situation where he os even less likely to act like a parent because he won't want to upset her on what should be a fun excursion.

Thisisnotus's picture

I am doing it more to mess with BM as she will be infuriated that we made weekend plans away from home for SD12. She will completely freak have no idea. I will somehow be messing with "her plans" of navigating SDs weekend with her dad.....there will be no more navigating for BM for when and where SD will be....she will be us at the beach from Friday to Sunday...end of story....stop calling DH. It may petty but it makes me happy so whatever haha.

It is my way of telling BM to shut the F&CK up.


ITB2012's picture

A few times I surprised DH with stays for him and the skids at places (like a waterpark hotel). I didn't want to have to leave the house and just wanted a quiet weekend. Surprised him with that and "oh wouldn't it be fun and a good thing to have quality bonding time."

Ispofacto's picture

I'd be relieved that you only have to put up with obnoxious SD for one night.  You win.

"Joke's on you, BM.  You only got to sew discord in our house for one night."



Thisisnotus's picture

Oh hell yes I agree. I am not really complaining. I'm thrilled that I rarely have to deal with this kid...I hope that this continues until she is an adult...if DH wasn't also to blame for the PAS I may feel differently. But I still won't put up with my DH and the rest of the members in my home being in limbo all the time.......or BM calling the shots in my house.....or calling my DH several times a day over stupid crap she cooks up.