A Sudden Turn of Events
Here's a little background for you guys:
BM and DH divorced about 5 years ago. She left him and moved herself and the skids 2 hours away to live with her parents. She lived there with them for about 2-3 years unemployed until she decided to get a job teaching in another county. BM ups and leaves the SD's with her parents while she moves to this county about 30 min away to live and work. The SD's end up in the grandparents' care b/c she made these plans without his knowledge. He assumes she is still living there and finds out halfway during the school year she is only seeing them EOWe as well.
At this point, he confronts her and she tells him that she has a job lined up in yet ANOTHER county halfway between grandma's home and our home and that this time she is taking the kids with her. During this entire time DH is still paying her CS garnished from his wages and even had it increased to $1650/month, all while the children were never in her care or while she was living rent free with her parents. Since she is planning on moving the SD's with her and he got royally screwed during the divorce he decides not to fight it and to let it play out.
Now that you are up-to-date, here are the most recent events:
SD's have now been with BM since August of this year. She decided to use her CS to hire a nanny who's monthly salary is more than what she receives. Since then she has been hounding DH that she needs more money. SD's are 5, 9 and 11. They most certainly do not need a nanny since SD 9 and 11 are in school all day and SD5 could be put into child care for under $800/month in their town. BM is a teacher but most nights does not get home until 6 or 7 and then drinks and smokes until she passes out every night. We have heard this from both the SD's and the nanny separately.
Yesterday SD9 calls DH (they talk almost daily) and tells him that they are going back to live with grandma next school year. DH asks her why she says that and she says that "mommy says she can't handle us." She wasn't being dramatic or poor me, but just very matter-of-fact. Ordinarily I wouldn't think twice about it or think she is being dramatic, except that its true. She can't handle them. She hasn't spent a weekend with them in months (on her weekends she drops them at grandma's). She hates doing things with them or for them. But she sure as hell loves that CS check.
Being that their grandparents are not their parents, DH has decided that we will be going to court over this for custody of them. And honestly, I don't see why we wouldn't win. We are more than capable of having them, we're more stable, we can provide for them without CS (although her paying us would be sweet revenge). I am so worried though. I don't know if we are ready for this. They aren't terrible kids, just loud and annoying and attention-deprived. And spoiled from living with grandma and grandpa for so long. I know it's in their best interest but will I be able to handle having them ALL the time??
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These kids sound very much
These kids sound very much like my stepsons - loud, attention seeking and annoying, and it is VERY hard to live with it full time. My DH has custody so we have ss's 8, 9 & 15 living with us as their BM is an attention seeking, pathetic waste of space who is happy to sit at home claiming welfare and telling everyone how poor she is. She won't get a job as she knows she'd have to pay to support her kids and has in the past been emotionally abusive towards them, which has caused insecurities and various behavioural problems in all of them. I suspect your SDs behaviour will have been affected in a similar way by their BM's crappy parenting, and it will take a lot of hard work over a long period of time to help them get over their problems. It does sound as though the girls would be better with you as their BM obviously can't be bothered with them, but you're right to be concerned about how you will cope. Like your SD's, my SS's are not bad kids, but I do find them very annoying with their attention seeking behaviour. It's getting better but some days I'm so sick of hearing "daaaaaaaaaad" a thousand times a day. Their noise also gets on my nerves as they don't seem capable of playing quietly or doing anything without shouting and running/stamping around - soooooo irritating, specially when I'm trying to watch TV in peace after a day at work. They're always fighting, whining and telling tales on each other and the only way I can cope is by disengaging and telling dh in no uncertain terms that he needs to deal with them NOW. You might have to cope with them being super clingy to your dh which is something that will probably get on your nerves as well. SS8 would still be acting like a baby given a chance, as he's far too clingy to dh for my liking and sometimes it's quite pathetic. I know my skids can't help being insecure because of the way their bm has treated them, but all the same I do find it hard to live with every day. Luckily for me, we get regular breaks as they go to BM EOWE and half of school holidays and I really don't think I could cope without regular kid-free time. If SD's do come to live with you, you and dh will have to work as a team and have firm rules and boundaries right from day one. If he panders to them and gives in to attention seeking behaviour that's going to be bad news for your relationship, so he's going to have to be firm and consistent, but loving and reassuring at the same time to help them with their insecurities.
First, thank you so much for
First, thank you so much for your reply. It helps to have honest feedback from someone who has been in my shoes. Yes, when they come over now, they are super clingy to DH, whiny, attention-seeking, all of the above. If we were to try for custody I think getting DH on the same page is definitely a good idea. I can barely handle Disney Dad EOWe so I can imagine how it would be all the time. It's so hard because I really do care about their well-being. I hate that they are treated like dirt and that they are entering their pre-adolescent years without someone there to guide them. You can definitely tell they are insecure and have issues.
On top of all this, I am 4 1/2 months pregnant with my first child. DH and I have talked about custody before, but we assumed it wouldn't be until they turned 12 and could have a say in where they chose to live, which gave us at least a year with Baby Stepmonster. I'm so torn between wanting to do what is best for these kids and what is best for my new little family.