How Would You Feel?
Last week was V-day and SD's birthday all on the same day. DH has been working around the clock to meet a deadline but promised SD10 that he would at least take her to dinner for her birthday. I happened to be working in the same town that week where SD10 lives with her grandmother and DH said his plans were to have an early light dinner with her and then meet me up later for a real dinner.
Some time during that day I received a call from my OB telling me that I needed to come in the office for additional testing the following week. I called and called DH to let him know and so that he could reassure me that everything would be okay. He didn't answer his phone or text messages and I ended up calling my mom instead. When he finally got back to me he apologized saying he didn't have his phone on him because he was in a meeting and that we could talk about it later that night. At this point I am completely over V-day and told him not to worry about dinner with me since I know he is stressed out from work. Plus I did not feel like celebrating after worrying all day about the baby.
Around 7:30 DH calls me to let me know he is on his way to come and see me. When he finally gets to my room at close to 9pm he says he is sorry he is late but when he dropped off SD10 she started all this drama and crying about how she misses him and wants to live with us already, etc. Now. SD10 has it made at her grandma's right now. Plus we are only waiting until after the school year to take custody because we don't want her switching schools so many times in one year. Plus his weekend with them was coming up on Friday. Basically she threw a fit over nothing and by the time DH got to me he was exhausted and fell immediately asleep.
This morning I am getting ready to leave to work and I see a movie ticket on the floor. DH and I have not gone to a movie in literally months so I pick it up. It's a receipt for one child, one adult in the middle of the day on V-day. Yup. The same day he told me he couldn't answer the phone because he was in a meeting.
I'm so livid right now I don't even know what to do. Why did he feel it was necessary to lie to me? And if SD10 has already been with "daddy" all day then why did she feel the need to throw a fit when he dropped her off? I confronted him about it and all he said was that he was being pulled in too many directions. So yes, I knew he had kids before we were married, but shouldn't he have known that also and make it a point to juggle everyone?? I really think that if I wasn't pregnant I would leave this relationship.
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I'd be pissed too. Just
I'd be pissed too. Just about the lying. Lying isn't cool. If he wants to spend more time with the kids he needs to be up front about it, not sneaking around behind your back.
It's really depressing, isn't it, to know that you'd leave if you weren't pregnant. I've said that myself a few times. It gets better, but honestly, at least in my case, it has gotten better in the sense that it is livable and my life is ok. Not better in the sense that this was the life/relationship I envisioned for myself. (To be fair, my husband could probably say the same.) DH and I are going to couples counseling again soon. Maybe worth a shot for you guys?
So the comment "being pulled
So the comment "being pulled in too many directions" was his excuse for lying? I would make it clear to him that the movie wasn't the issue -- the LYING ABOUT IT is the issue, pointing out that HE said he was in a meeting, when obviously he was not.
Not to excuse his behavior, but maybe he said he was in a meeting, and that's why he didn't answer his phone so it would sound more "excusable" than saying he was sitting in a movie theater and didn't want to be interrupted.
This has happened to me -- and the maddening part is, they (DH's) realize they've screwed up when they are doing something "sneaky" and get caught -- i.e., you were calling him with something extremely important to tell him and he didn't answer the phone. So then he had to go make up some dramatic reason why, but forgets to get rid of the evidence that says otherwise.
I hate lying.
Also, the other thing that
Also, the other thing that made me pissed when I was pregnant is that it was my first kid. My husband said all the right things initially, but because he was dealing with a bunch of shit at work, with the SKs, the divorce, etc. I didn't get any special "pregnant" treatment.
I didn't think I was a Preg-zilla but did I get foot rubs? Back massages? Someone to hold my hair when I was puking? Nope. It was like his attitude was that he was dealing with his own shit, so get away and don't add to his burden.
Now I am sure if you asked him, his perception was totally different, but I can tell you what I expected my first pregnancy to be like did not at all match the reality.
Thanks for your response. I
Thanks for your response. I hate the lying. I don't understand why someone would sneak around with their own kid. If he would just be up front and tell me his plans, I wouldn't care. I feel like I am making all these concessions and sacrifices and not getting very much in return. I try and be understanding and tell him to work as late as he needs to, which he usually does, but then he will leave work early to go pick them up, go have dinner with them (more than just this one occasion), etc. When I try and confront him about it he says that I need to be more understanding because I am the adult. I just feel so trapped.
It's funny you say this
It's funny you say this because this is the exact conversation I had with him this morning. That he knew when he married me that I wasn't going to be one of those women content to just be on somebody's back burner and that if he can't handle it then we shouldn't have gotten married.
I have made myself very clear about the lying. I loathe lying. He often leaves out details that he thinks aren't important, but we all know what that is: lying in disguise. I absolutely will not tolerate it. Him thinking I will get mad about something is not a good excuse.
But I could never made a decision like ending my marriage while pregnant. I would rather be in a rational non-hormonal state to make that type of life-changing decision.
That's right ECHO! "he KNEW
That's right ECHO! "he KNEW he had children when he got married"
I feel these dh's make the step situations so much worse. They feed the fires. Lying, sneaking around, making excuses, ingoring behavior,etc.... THEY create the competition that is felt between the SM and SK's.
I am sorry he lied to you. If this were me, this would be one issue that would NOT go unsettled. I hope you talk and talk and talk some more about this until you feel you have an ending to it. For me, if I didn't get a closed chapter in this it would fester and cause resentment.
Oh, and another thing.... the
Oh, and another thing....
the whole being pulled in all directions cry?!!!! It's called boundaries. If you put them up and keep them up then you cannot be pulled in all directions.
He is the making of his own stresses of being pulled in all directions.
I actually hate V-day. These
I actually hate V-day. These occurrences just so happened to take place on that date. And he lied because he thought I would be mad. And honestly I probably would have been upset about it because we have had zero time together in the last 6 weeks. We have had his kids almost every weekend and they are so clingy and demanding when they are with us, we can't even do a grocery list without them being all up in our faces. Not to mention the fact that I have been working out of town for 4 of the last 6 weeks.
I understand it was her birthday, but the fact is that I am his wife and I deserve some time also. He has made zero effort to leave work early at a reasonable hour when it's just me and works the entire weekend if it's not a kid weekend. He lied about it because he knows he has been giving me the shaft and is making concessions for his kids that he isn't making for his very pregnant wife.
So yeah, I probably would have been pissed, but that's still not a good excuse to lie.