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This Can't Be My Life

the_stepmonster's picture

After having had 2 step-weekends in a row and working out of town for 50+ hours a week, I was soooo looking forward to spending some quality time with DH. We planned our whole weekend and even though alot of it included regular old errands (finish our baby registry, get a hair cut, etc.) we were both excited about it. We went to a nice dinner on Friday night and had just gotten home when DH received a frantic call from him ex-MIL.

This weekend was BM's weekend but SD9 had texted ex-MIL asking her to please please please come pick her up because her mom was drunk again and she was scared. Ex-MIL and ex-FIL are apparently fighting with BM and she told them she would not give them the girls if they came to pick them up. Apparently she was more than willing to give them to DH for whatever reason so at 11pm he gets out of bed to go get them. By the time he gets back it's 1am (BM lives 1 hour away) and I wake up to him making them something to eat before bed since she didn't bother to give them dinner.

Once he is back in bed he tells me that ex-MIL had been covering for BM for a long time. She has gone to pick up or drop off or visit the girls, only to find BM passed out on the lawn or locked in her bedroom with the girls sitting in front of the tv. She said ex-FIL got into a huge argument with BM in which he called her an unfit mother and an alcoholic. Ex-MIL then tells DH that she wants him to take custody of the girls or to help her get custody so that they are not with their mother any more.

Right now, the plan is to take temporary custody SD9 since she is the only one currently living with ex-MIL and then go for the other girls in BM's care. A friend of mine works in Child Protective Services and told us that we need to start making a police report every time she is passed out drunk with her kids in her home so that her alcoholism is documented since alcoholism is so hard to prove. DH is going to try and have a conversation with BM, but assuming she is a mentally unstable alcoholic it will be interesting to see the results of this discussion.


the_stepmonster's picture

Sometimes it seems do-able and other times (like this weekend) it seems impossible. We had started doing a weekend schedule for our visitations which helped sooo much in cutting out all the chaos that typically ensues. Since this weekend was a surprise though we didn't have a chance to plan it out and I had a complete breakdown over how over-the-top they are. DH makes excuses for them, saying they don't get any attention from their mother and that is why they are always all over him, but this is the 3rd weekend in a row we have had them. You would think they wouldn't feel the need to hang all over him and follow him around like little puppy dogs. On Sunday morning though we made a plan for the day and it went much better.

I know it is in their best interest to be with us, but am worried about the strain on our marriage and bringing my baby into this chaos. I also know that that is selfish but I can't help the way I feel.

Auteur's picture

Hopefully you'll get custody and the skids wont' be PASed out beyond belief. Seems they are mature enough to notice that mommykins isn't MOTY!! Good luck!!

the_stepmonster's picture

SD9 definitely can see her mom is a loser, which is why she is now living with ex-MIL. SD11 though thinks BM is MOTY and is her defender to the end. When he picked them up, SD9 was telling DH how was drunk, didn't feed them, doesn't take care of the, etc., which SD11 was saying "She wasn't THAT drunk..." DH plans on having a discussion with her, letting her know that by covering for her mom, she isn't helping her, but allowing her to get worse and that if she starts telling the truth then they can give her the help she needs.

liks's picture

I have to question why the exMIL calls her exsonIL ....

Wasnt it her daughter that was drunk and passed out???? Then she should have dealt with I feel she had no right to just call up the man her daughter divorced some time ago....???

I would have been furious if this had happened in our house.

Or am I just being a bitch?

the_stepmonster's picture

I was definitely furious but at the same time I understand she was probably desperate and scared for the girls at that moment. I think this was probably the final straw for ex-MIL as she had been covering for and protecting BM only to see that she is getting worse. Ex-FIL had called BM and tried to talk to her but BM thinks that her mother is trying to take her children away from her (and rightly so) so BM sees DH as the lesser of two evils. Not realizing of course that now DH is doing the same thing but on a less obvious level.

Jsmom's picture

If I was the Dad, I would be livid that his EXMIL didn't call him. She can call them too, but the first call should be to him, if she is not in medical danger....

Lalena75's picture

Wow just wow those poor kids! I hope that whatever path is chosen for the kids it works out. We have SO's daughter for 2 weeks it'll be interesting but I at least don't have to deal with a lot of behavoir beyond the typical and let SO know she's his responsibility. He's good at the parenting. I hope your DH steps up and you are able to have balance good luck the kids need it and so do you guys.

mella's picture

This needs to be reported to CPS right away. This is a safety issue, plain and simple. Those kids should not spend another minute in BM's home until she is capable of providing a safe environment for them.

It sounds like you and DH are going to be picking up major slack due to BM's inability to parent. Totally unfair to you, but probably the best thing for the kids right now.

the_stepmonster's picture

The plan right now is to call CPS and file a police report whenever she screws up in order to get her behavior documented. According to my contact at CPS, alcoholism is hard to prove and without proof, its just one person's word against another's. So although we need to get the girls out of there, nothing will hold up in court at this point since SD11 has made it clear she has no intentions of selling out her mother.