DH doesn't want my kids to see their paternal relatives
This is my first blog so please go easy on me. To make a long story short once upon a time I was young and dumb and married a loser. No high school diploma or GED, no ambition, liar, serial cheater, smoked a lot of pot, etc. Despite his obvious flaws I stupidly still had two kids with him. It took the birth of my second to realize I was going no where fast with him and I threw him out. He made an effort to see the kids (who were two years old and an infant at the time) for a few months but one day (while he happened to have our daughter...I was at work) he found out I filed for child support, called and left several rage filled messages cussing me out, then drove our daughter to my parents house, handed her to my mom without a word, drove away, and made no attempt to contact me for almost a year. He resurfaced after that year, apologized for being pissed about the child support thing, asked to see the kids, I agreed and he spent just enough time with the older one to fill her head with a bunch of empty promises then took off again. This happened two more times over a long period of time until I finally said no more and told him I wouldn't tolerate him bouncing in and out of their lives, that it was going to damage them, and that any further contact would have to be forced by a judge. His only reply was literally "k" and that was in 2014. I haven't seen or heard from him since nor have I received a dime of child support EVER (to be fair I haven't pursued it either).
As far as my former inlaws go, I always considered them decent people, they're not trash or anything, but even they haven't seen their grandkids (or even asked about them) since Christmas 2012. There's never been an issue of health, distance, or funds that would prevent them from seeing the kids. I just think it was an out of sight out of mind thing. I remained FB "friends" with my former SILs and they will comment on my kids' pictures and stuff but that is their extent of any kind of relationship.
I met my now DH almost four years ago, when my kids were 1.5 and 3 years old. He has kids of his own too so we moved slow and steady to blend our family--we moved in together almost two years ago and got married last year. He's been great with my kids from the moment he met them and they do consider him to be "dad" now. DH hasn't had to deal with any issues concerning my ex or his family bc they haven't been around or in contact. But within the past six months or so my ex-MIL finally made a FB account and bizarrely enough sent my sister a friends request but not me. She started commenting nice things about the pictures my sister posts of her kids and mine. This started increasing and I started getting the feeling that my ex-MIL was going to contact me. She finally did recently, she sent me a message asking if she and my ex-FIL can come to one of kids' soccer games and to please let her know.
I brought it up to my DH and he had a very negative attitude about it. He told me the kids don't even know who they are, they're dead beats, they just want to assuage their guilt and then disappear again, I shouldn't let a single one of them anywhere near the kids, they made their bed and now they can lie in it, etc. He isn't going to flat out say no but he made it clear that he will think it's poor judgement on my part if I say yes. So I ended up not responding to my ex-MIL's message, I just left it unanswered. Then yesterday my ex-SIL sent me a very long message saying all this stuff like how her parents have so much shame over their son, and that the shame has made it hard for them to reach out to me, and now they admire me so much and have always loved me, and that they all think about the kids everyday and miss them. All this stuff to pull at my heartstrings and make me feel guilty. I also keep thinking that it's not too late for my kids to have a real relationship with these people if they are really serious about being in their lives.
Basically, I'm not sure what to do. My DH is the love of my life, great father, great man. I don't want to invite trouble or drama into our lives. But I don't want to rob my kids of potential good relationships or have them come to me angry when they're adults and say my real family tried to see us when we were kids and you denied them and now all that time is lost. Any advice would be appreciated.
- Jlbfinch's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
WELCOME! Have you guys ever
WELCOME!
Have you guys ever spoke of your DH adopting your kids? Seems to me if he adopted them then his opinion about the grandparents would be more validated by him stepping in as their father.
We've talked about it but
We've talked about it but haven't made any concrete plans.
I've been in your shoes
I've been in your shoes before. Talk to ex-MIL. Perhaps allow her and ex-FIL to attend but not approach the kids without your say so.
If they want to be involved in the long run-great but it has to be on your terms. Make it clear you don't want them in and out of the kids lives like their father. If they want to be involved-then stay. If not, this is a one time deal and then they can stay gone.
I understand your DH's concerns....but the ex-Inlaws ARE the kids grandparents...and I think the kids have a right to know their family.
What a terrible situation to
What a terrible situation to find yourself in. I will share my thoughts on this though. My eldest has not seen her bio father in 8 years. His parents have my number and know I would let them in my daughters life. I won't force a relationship but I wouldn't push one away either. When Polly was 2 years old, I bumped in to bio granny at the shops. I was kind and considerate. I let her talk to Polly and hold her. She asked me if I would consider tea and cake one afternoon? Would I take her calls.
I gently reminded her that I never shut her out. She promised to call. 6 years later and nothing. Hypothetically speaking she decides to change her mind and call me even after all this time, I would take her call and meet her. She is not the addict nor the person who rejected Polly's paternity. I would meet at a public place and calmly as well as carefully see where it leads.
As long as she respects my boundaries, I would welcome her in to our lives. She's a decent woman who is rightly or wrongly siding with her son. There is no reason for my eldest to not know where she comes from.
I hope this helps you. I do understand your husbands worries as mine shares them too. He is the only father my eldest has ever known. What if he loses Polly? What if she needs him less? What if these people cause problems in our lives? What if they try force visitation?
So hear your husband and ask him to work with you on an equitable compromise. Maybe a supervised visit in your state and a place you feel safe. Baby steps.
This is how I feel. I've
This is how I feel. I've never been anything but kind to my former inlaws. I never told them to stay away or had a history of blowing them off. I even worked less than 10 minutes from their house up until the middle of 2014. They probably drove right past my car in the parking lot 100s of times. If they ever stopped by during that time I would have been warm and friendly. They removed themselves, I just don't get it and I'm scared to make the wrong decision now.
My 2 cents. 1. You should
My 2 cents.
1. You should officially pursue the child support even if you don't need it unless your DH is interested in adopting the kids and the EX will sign over parental rights. The CS belongs to the children and they have a right to it.
2. I can understand your DH's reluctance to allow this family to potentially interfere with your lives. I mean, look at all the BM/BD drama that all the steps like me have to deal with? Your DH has had it easy and hasn't had to deal with the crap and I don't blame him for not wanting to do that.
3. In spite of points 1 and 2, I hate to see family members blocked from the children's lives. As others have said, you need to carefully supervise and manage this and ensure it isn't some back door way for the EX to get contact without having to pay CS.
When I went for my
When I went for my appointment at the AG's office to set up child support back in 2011 I got the nice surprise of learning he was already paying child support for a child born six months after my older daughter. I caught him cheating at least once a year but I had no clue about this other child. The lady at the AG's office told me sympathetically that whoever the other woman was she was definitely smart to set up child support right away. Then months down the line when he still hasn't been served the necessary papers I called and the AG office basically told me I was a low priority since we were still married. Months went by and I saved enough to hire a lawyer to help me get divorced. The lawyer looked up my child support claim and it showed that it had been dropped or cancelled--he said that sometimes they just write it off after several unsuccessful attempts to serve the person. I went to court for my divorce and the judge signed off on $650/mo child support. I have all the paperwork. The lawyer told me to take the court papers to the attorney general. I was working full time and going to school at the time so I had no time to mess with it for a while. Now I kind of use it as an insurance policy against my ex trying tio come around.
Just to give you some advise
Just to give you some advise from my perspective.
The parents are embarrassed by their sons actions. They probably feared you would hate them for how he behaved.
If they want to be a part of the kids lives, they should.
Make it clear to them that you will not accept an in/ out relationship.
AND make it clear no XH is allowed.
You've been married to DH for
You've been married to DH for a whole year and he wants to cut the children's paternal family out of the picture?! Have you asked him to cut his children's maternal family out of their lives? A suggestion like this seems extremely isolating and controlling.
The children had an extended family before the two of you got married. This situation has zero, zip, nada to do with DH. Let them come to the soccer game, go out for ice cream afterwards. Leave DH out of it.
Cutting them out would imply
Cutting them out would imply that they've ever been "in." My five year old has probably spent less than 24 hours with her paternal grandparents in her entire life and we've never lived more than an hour away. Neither of my kids have any recollection of them. My ex-inlaws were not involved grandparents even before I split from their son. They showed up on birthdays and the occasional holiday. After 2012: nothing.
My husband has the same opinion as the signature line in your post. Sometimes "family" simply means that you share a bloodline.
Thanks for all the advice.
Thanks for all the advice. It's sad that so many others are in the same boat. To be clear, my husband feels the same way I do, only he feels that way emphatically but I'm conflicted. I want to believe that maybe my former inlaws have been too afraid or embarrassed this whole time but realistically it is probably more that they just don't think about my kids that often. A couple of years ago my sister told me that she ran into my ex-MIL at a restaurant and ex-MIL was asking about the kids and snapping her fingers trying to remember the name of my younger one. My sister had to gently remind her what my DD's name is. I know that's a minor thing and can be attributed to getting older but my ex-inlaws are only in their late 50s/early 60s and have a robust social and family life. The reason I know this besides the fact that I knew them for almost a decade is because I am still FB friends with my two former SILs so I see all the pictures they post. One of my former SILs lives right across the street from her parents and they all do everything together. I see the vacation photos, milestone celebrations, the family get togethers. Most of them include my ex-husband. Last fall I had all these pictures on my newsfeed that SIL posted of her, my ex-husband, and their parents decked out to the nines in team gear and taking a party bus to attend an NFL game in another city. Knowing my former inlaws I'm sure they funded the whole thing. They are free to do whatever they want of course and I know FB doesn't tell a complete story but when I have seen those kinds of things (via my SILs) for years it's hard to believe that they have obviously kept my ex in the family fold yet give their grandkids nothing but radio silence bc they are too ashamed? I can't claim to know their hearts but it really doesn't add up.
So my DH's line of thinking is that the kids don't know them, don't remember them, and aren't lacking for grandparents. They have three wonderful sets already who are very present in their lives. He asked me why open a can of worms and stress myself out for people who are clearly undeserving?