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Background On My Current Situation (First Blog Entry)

TheStepMaid's picture

For the last two years, H's eldest Daughter (SD aged 20) has been living with us.

Immediately there were several reasons why I resented SD moving in with us in the first place:

**H and I had bought and moved into our new home just five months before SD showed up on our doorstep. We had just literally finished unpacking, refurnishing, remodeling, and finally starting to settle in a little. We had no time to enjoy our new home together or recover from the chaos of the move before she dragged all her drama and stress in along with her.

**I had a miscarriage just seven months before SD moved in (two months before our official move). The house that H and I bought, was bought with the unborn child in mind (I am a childless SM & H and I had always lived alone), we picked out and closed on the house just shortly before my miscarriage. The bedroom that SD took was supposed to have been my baby's nursery. Instead it has become SD's filthy little den. With that said....the move was bittersweet and difficult for me to begin with.

**The two years before SD surfaced at our door, she did not talk to nor see H and I either one. There was no contact. She was estranged (by her choice). We closed on and bought a beautiful new home and experienced a tremendous loss and have this whirlwind of chaos to deal with and suddenly she's back in our lives with her hand out wanting to live with us and expecting H to put her through college.

**Based on her past behavior I was leery it would work out (having SD live here and me being capable of dealing with her)especially at such an emotionally fragile period. Not to mention the tension and awkwardness from the previous two years of estrangement.

So, anyway SD shows up at our doorstep wanting a place to live (not because she had nowhere else to go but because she wanted us to put her through college, because we had more to offer than anybody else in her family). I'll be honest, my intuition about SD's intentions to living here have all been proven true since...she's here to simply take advantage.

H and I sat down and discussed SD living with us in great length. I expressed my concerns and doubt of the situation, H seemed understanding but assured me that everything would be fine. H promised to be strict and stern, to have the rules and guidelines set forth and give SD structure. He also gave me the whole "I really need this. SD really needs this. We can fix our relationship and mend the past. We can bond and spend quality time together. I can help her through college and give her a better life and a better future. We can make up for lost time." speech.....like an idiot I fell for it. I gave in.

I never fully felt comfortable with SD moving in. I never truly wanted her to live here (deep down, secretly, I hated the idea) but I trusted H. I wanted to do the right thing and provide help for SD (even though every ounce in me instinctively went against it) and give her and her Father a chance at closure and a better, healthier relationship. As always I put my personal views/feelings aside when it came to Skids/In-Laws etc and told myself to accept it/everything will be fine/it will all work out/this is the right thing to do. I convinced myself I was being the bigger, better person and out of love and respect for H, I was open to SD moving in.

******BIG MISTAKE******

What I have been experiencing and living with since SD moved in for the last two years has been worse than I ever originally imagined. There have been unforeseen issues and circumstances I wasn't prepared for. My marriage has crumbled apart, my house no longer feels like mine, I feel like an unwelcomed guest in my own home....like the invisible, unappreciated maid. I have lost respect for H, I resent him and SD both, I feel like the third wheel, I feel like SD has replaced me as H's wife. I feel like the outsider looking in....I have been in deep turmoil between the decision of leaving and divorcing H or attempting to waver through as strongly as possible, aim to get SD out of the house and not allow her to break up my marriage.

I question myself every single day as to why I am even here, what I am doing, what I am thinking, is it worth the stress and anguish? Would they even care if I left, what would happen, can I truly walk away and give SD the satisfaction of ruining my marriage? Is there anything left to salvage? Am I just too sensitive, am I too weak? Am I allowing SD to get to me and effect me too much? Is this even SD's fault, should I hold H accountable for allowing it to happen?

It's a whirlwind of emotion and turmoil. Never ending drama and tension. The situation certainly isn't getting better and I've honestly just about had enough. I'm sharing my experiences in my second blog entry, how SD coming to live with us has dramatically effected and changed my life.

Comments

TheStepMaid's picture

Thank you! Smile *hugs* to you as well for everything you experienced and endured.

It certainly changes your life and effects aspects of your well being you never thought it could touch.

TheStepMaid's picture

Thank you and I'm gad to be here!

I am in need of a safe place to vent, especially in an environment with people who can fully understand and empathize with me and the situation.

TheStepMaid's picture

Hello and thank you!

Oh my, you got incredibly lucky on your task of getting SD out of the house and played it brilliantly Smile I actually have attempted the very approach you suggested and got away with but, unfortunately I haven't been so lucky.

H is absolutely determined to have SD stay here.....as long as possible. Every time I confront H and try to talk about certain issues and concerns with SD moving out he becomes incredibly defensive and immediately starts telling me things like "You need to stop. You're going to scare *SD* away." "She needs to finish college first" (she still has 3 years left AND she's talking about graduate school and everything else).

The problem is that SD doesn't work (she's too lazy and careless) and has no idea on how to manage money when she does have it, she couldn't possibly support herself and H refuses to help SD live on her own when she can just live here (which is actually somewhat understandable...why make a mortgage payment and apartment rent). I had pushed for SD living in a dorm but we would have to pay a ton of money for that as well, being that we live literally 15 minutes down the street from her college, that also is highly unreasonable to H.

Even when SD has gotten credit card offers in the mail, H will tear them up and throw them away saying that SD isn't ready for that yet. She's TWENTY. H seems determined to coddle and enable SD, not wanting her to learn or have independence. Of course this is perfectly okay with SD because she just wants everything for nothing and would prefer to ride Daddy's coattail.

H has this "she's just a kid" mentality about EVERYTHING concerning SD. She's seriously 20, but has the mindset and life skills of a 10 year old because her entire family has spoiled her and handed her everything her whole life and never taught her to do anything.

TheStepMaid's picture

Sadly, I have indeed said those exact words and more to H. I have poured my heart out to H, I have genuinely explained how I feel and my issues with SD, our marriage and our household since she's been here. I have cried, broken down, had anxiety attacks, hired a counselor and had us go to marriage counseling. I have done everything I can think of to do to get the message across and have him see the severity of the situation, everything but actually leave.

H has always chosen the gas lighting path. He turns the tables on me. Tells me I'm overreacting, I'm too sensitive, he doesn't see what the big deal is, asks why I just can't be content and happy. He'll attack me and say things like "you have such a rough life don't you" etc etc. I'm not getting any support, understanding or sympathy from H at all.

He justifies and defends SD. Tries to make me feel guilty for my problems with her. The last time we argued over SD, H looked me dead in the eyes and said "She's not you! I'm sorry she can't be a perfect goody two shoes like you!" and I calmly replied "No. Because I didn't raise her." But, see he'll defend SD while taking stabs at me and attacking me instead.

I agree. Unfortunately, I'm afraid it's just time to strategize my exit plan. I too am sure that H fears losing SD more than me. Push come to shove, he'd pick her over me. Sad thing is, he's willing to lose his wife for an unappreciative grown adult baby child who will leave him and more than likely never speak to him again once she gets everything she wants from him.