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Is leaving my only option?

TheRealHouseWife's picture

I’ve not been on this site for very long, but in the time that I have I’ve felt so much relief. Not only to be able to vent but to have so many people understand and be experiencing the same issues. I have been doing a lot of reading of other situations similar to mine and am a little saddened to see most of the advice given is to leave. And as much as that is usually the smartest and healthiest option, it is most difficult. I love my SO and it makes it that much harder that after trying for so long, we are finally having a child. I don’t want to believe that the issues I am currently having are a lifelong sentence. I want to have faith that things will eventually get better, but how? I know that if I wasnt pregnant I definitely would have gone some time ago, but I just can’t find myself to do that now. I know he loves me and my DD very much and has expressed that he doesn’t ever want to lose me but I don’t know how much I can take. I guess I want to know that it is possible for people to change, and sometime it really does take time. Right ??

Comments

Winterglow's picture

No bu your SO absolutely MUST prove to you that he can be a real parent to his son by ensuring he completes his chores,keeps his room and bathroom spotless, and that he is respectful and polite. He also needs to lay off of your daut, he is not her father. He needs to do all of the above for at least a year, if he can't do that well ... his loss.

Draw your line in the sand and make your limits heard 

SteppedOut's picture

He says he doesn't want to lose you, but is he showing you that? The only way things will get better is if HE makes changes. Is he willing to do that? Perhaps you need to lay your cards on the table:

X, Y, Z must change or I am leaving. Hard line and you will find out real quick if he is going to make those changes.

ESMOD's picture

He is a 17 yo who should be leaving in a year or so correct?  it sounds like you married a guy that was not a great role model for his son.  they both lived in squalor. if your SO loves you. can he learn to be neater? maybe.  can he learn to insist his son is neater? yes. but will he? that is less certain

TheRealHouseWife's picture

I just don’t understand how we just can’t seem to get past the ultimatum. He is so passive when it comes to his kid(s), he never wants to be the bad guy. Why is it so difficult to punish? He has no problem when I ground my daughter; if she’s not finishing homework, misses a school day, doesn’t keep her room clean - and she’s 11. Yet his soon to be 12 grade son is not going to graduate on time because his failing, doesn’t keep his room clean, has to be told what he needs to do gets no type of punishment.. I don’t get it

Yesterdays's picture

I would start asking him these hard questions. Have some real conversations with him. Tell him what you need, exactly. List items of things that need to change. See for me, it's about willingness to change and adapt. If my man is trying, that is one thing. If he refuses to try, refuses to do anything, refuses to start putting some rules and boundaries on his kid.. Then that is a real problem. Is your guy willing to put some work in? To me... It seems like you really need some things to change. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

I felt that therapy with my DH and my SD was helpful. The hard part was getting her to show up. We did have some breakthroughs where listening to him talk made me realize he was putting his own terrible childhood onto SD, and trying to "make up" for it by letting her do whatever she wanted.  Having a therapist listen and respond to him might also make your DH more likely to listen and understand his own problems. Especially, if the therapist echoes what you are saying.

thinkthrice's picture

Double standard.  Your child(ren) are looked at under an electron microscope by guilty daddy who is afraid to set consequences for his OWN ferals.   Believe me, this type of man will FIND some minutia to critique YOUR kid on while his are out committing murder one.  Your DD WILL resent both SO AND you for it.

Merry's picture

It does take time to change. But what is he doing to catalyze the change?

Is he engaged in therapy with or without you? Or with his son, perhaps? Is he taking parenting classes, or otherwise seeking out a parenting coach? Even reading books about parenting teens? Is he having his son evaluated for any mental health issues?

Is he setting expectations for his son for an independent life? Is the son prepared to live on his own and keep a job of any type? If not, what is your SO doing to prepare him? From what I see, you have a lazy SO and a lazy SS and neither are motivated to change.

If your SO does nothing, or easily gives up, then, no, nothing will change for you. His kids will always be dependent on him. Maybe your SO is keeping his manchild depdent on him for a reason, filling some psychological need? So we're back to therapy for him. WIll he go and do the work?

 

TheRealHouseWife's picture

I drive myself up a wall trying to find the right way to ask my SO why he has his son sooooo dependent on him! 

& I knnow he is willing to do anything he needs to do to fix this, we've talked about therapy and he is willing to go. 

Winterglow's picture

Ask him why he doesn't love his son enough to actually parent him. Ask him why he doesn't love his son enough to teach him how to be a responsible, decent human being. Ask him why it's more important to him to be a buddy than a father. Listen attentively to his answers.

SMto3's picture

I asked DH why he didn't love SSs enough to parent them. I tried to explain that parenting is not NOT noticing what's going on, and that parenting requires consistency. He was offended, very offended that I asked why he didn't love his kids enough to parent them and be consistent. But I'm sure it made him think. 

Yesterdays's picture

Parenting IS love. It's so strange that so many people don't seem to realize. And actually parenting leads to much better behaved, more respectful children. It's easier to not parent but then you end up with rude and unmanageable kids.. 

ndc's picture

"[He] has expressed that he doesn't ever want to lose me."

Unfortunately, words are cheap.  What has he done to SHOW you that he doesn't want to lose you?  You've told him what you need.  What has he done to effect that? If he's not punishing his son and making sure all the chores are done, then he's less concerned about losing you than he says. Perhaps what he really means is "I never want to lose you as long as I don't have to do anything difficult or inconvenient to keep you."

Is he financially in a position to get a small apartment where he and his son can live in squalor until the son launches?  Of course, the children of failed parents don't always launch, but that would at least give you a clean, peaceful place to live while you see if SO can change and/or the son can launch. 

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Ask him about his childhood and how he related to his parents.  See if you find any patterns to currrnt life.  

TheRealHouseWife's picture

He has lots of trauma from his childhood. But who doesnt. We are supposed to want more for our children not be okay with with them doing the bare minimum in life. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

SS is 17, right? HE should leave within 1-3 years, IMO. If he's going to college, maybe there is some financial aid that could help with living expenses. If no college or other training, full-time work or military after high school. 

SMto3's picture

If this kid makes it past high school, he may not want to go to college or military. He may end up going full time to work but the likelihood is, if the fiancé is not teaching him to save so he can move out, the kid will still be living with them and spending his check on himself. I know because I've been through it with SS23. Hopefully not the case for RealHousewife. 

TheRealHouseWife's picture

When I graduated I had to either go to school FT or look for work FT. I plan on definitely enforcing that when my SS graduates. That would definitely be a deal breaker for me, if he allowed him to do nothing with himself. I refuse to take care of 2 grown a** men..

SMto3's picture

I feel like these men need to be the ones enforcing these things. If we do it, it perpetuates that "evil stepmother" stigma. 

user2010808's picture

I feel like men need to have things broken down into the simplest terms possible. When my SO and I moved into our home with his bio kids it was a big adjustment. And we are no where near a sunshine and rainbow ending.

BUT I was begging him to help me in the household. I said I needed more and didn't want to feel like the maid picking up after everyone. Had that same argument for months. It was insanity. Until I finally said I need this list of things done, WITHOUT me asking! Since then he has changed big time with the household stuff. I don't ever have to ask anymore thank goodness.

But we still have a ton of issues when it comes to parenting and boundaries. I have no kids so it's hard for me. And we have very different parenting styles. I suggested therapy and he REFUSED and REFUSED my boundaries I asked for. It wasn't until I told him I was going to look for someplace else to live that he agreed to therapy.

I am hopeful we can learn of tools to help us. But you have to be willing to stand for what you want and need! My therapist said to me one day (I go to personal sessions on my own) "you're already miserable, what do you have to lose?" And she's right. I'm already the bad guy in my house and feel horrible about my situation. It can't get much worse. I'm wishing you the very best! Stay strong, you got this! But the effort needs to come from him! 

TheRealHouseWife's picture

You are right! & we both parent different, were raised very different so sometimes it’s hard to be on the same page. I think he’s so used to just washing his hands of things that it’s hard for him to actually work things out. I mean his ex-wife (with whom he has 3 of his kids) was extremely toxic. Verbally and physically abusive. He let her get away with sooo much. His youngest daughter lives in a different state, toxic mother as well. & his sons mom was older than him when he found out she was pregnant, and he’s had custody of him since he was about 2, due to her being an unfit mother. I think because of that, he keeps trying to find this mother for him that he’s never had, but he doesn’t need a mother anymore. He needs his father to show him how to be a man.

SMto3's picture

How old are his other kids and do they get visitation? 

TheRealHouseWife's picture

Hes going back to court to get visitation, he gets supervised visits once a week

TheRealHouseWife's picture

his ex accused him of being on drugs. now the court ordered reconnection therapy and supervised visits for 30  days

TheRealHouseWife's picture

He took a drug test which was neg. she then told them he was in a gang and didnt feel the children were safe 

ndc's picture

A court ordered supervised visitation based on an accusation that he was on drugs? They didn't drug test him or otherwise require proof?!?  Even if not, why didn't he drug test to disprove her claim?

SMto3's picture

There is another option; for you to accept the situation as it is. Unfortunately most of us are unable to do that, especially because it conflicts with how we parent our own kids. Your biggest issue is your fiancé. He created the monster that is his son. It was them 2, living that way, and SS with barely any expectations, and now you enter the picture and want it to change, but they may want it to stay the same (because maybe they are codependent). 
I can only share my journey with you, I went through it twice with my DHs kids because he had custody of his first 2 sons. 
ss23 was worse than your ss, he used to take 3 hour baths, and kept a filthy room. They both used to stuff garbage between the sofa cushions. At least he graduated, but then even after he found full time work, he struggled to help us in our household (100 weekly). He always used BM as an excuse for why he couldn't save, but really it was his marijuana habit and partying. DH was a doorman so on his overnight shifts, Ss23 would bring girls over and his friends, who were gang affiliated. Last year he was asked to leave because it was 4 years of that crap and I had to put my foot down to DH. I had him force save his entire check so he can move out and after 3 weeks of that, SS asked for his money back. dH told him, "you understand that you have to leave if I give you your money back?" And ss said yes. By this time he had met his current gf who has her own place by way of her father so I'm sure he gave her a cockamamie story about getting kicked out so he could go live with her. 
This is why I don't have the patience for Ss18. I'm not going to go through another 4 years of him possibly getting a job, possibly not saving. He already smokes marijuana, and stays in his room all day. While he doesn't have a gf or many friends, it is still annoying to have to come home from work and see that the bare minimum has been done. I don't want him to live with me, and if that came at the cost of my marriage I was ready to pay it, because I had a little taste of what it would be like just Dd8 and I, and it was peaceful. 
We can only speak from our journey, but I wish you lots of luck. The good news is that there shouldn't be much longer of him living with you, but that's depending on if that's what your DH truly wants. Have you asked him what he wants SS to do after high school? 

Harry's picture

If you can't make him clean up after himself. You are going to make him get a J O B. And actually work. ??.  DONT THINK SO,   Unless you light a fire under SO and make him a man. You will be raising three kids

DPW's picture

There's a lot of intelligence, experience on the site giving you advice. 

Some advice is biased, some isn't.

Some advice is projection, some isn't.

I could go on.

But when the large majority state the same thing, and there's basically consensus, even among the most unbiased, you should listen closely and reflect strongly on that advice.

Your partner needs to take action. Like others above, give him what needs to change and a time limit to show you he's ready to step up and do what needs to be done. While he's showing you, prepare a plan of exit so if/when he doesn't change by your deadline, you are prepared. Always stay ahead.

 

Rags's picture

less.

Demand the change, put it all on him, and never tolerate anything less than him doing exactly what you tell him to do when you tell him to do it. Including his immediate control of his failed family toxic progeny.

Period. Dot!

Failed parents do not just stop being failed parents when their failed parenting experiments turn 18.  This is in all liklihood a life sentense for you and for your own children.

He has proven himself to be a failed parent. Minimize the exposure of your own children, even the one you share genetially, to this failed parent and his toxic failed family progeny. 

His continuedpresence in your life, relationship, and his presence in the lives of your children should only be as long as he immediately is cured of his parental Cranio-Rectitis and has zero relapses. One relapse, and he has to be gone and stay gone.

IMHO.

Your optimism is a high risk to yourself and your childen.

Be very cautious.

Good luck.