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Dear wife is procrastinating about setting time line up for SS to move out

swimming in gratitude's picture

Its been well over two weeks since my dear wife agreed for her and I to talk to SS and set up next spring as his deadline to move out and become independent.
Well now we're at the stage where I bring it up with her every couple of days and she responds like I'm nagging her about it. I say " shouldnt we talk to him about his independence and she says in an angry voice , yes , but not now.
I said we should talk to him two weekends ago. Then again last weekend. And just last night I sad we should talk to him before the weekend because we have guests coming this weekend.
I think she has second thoughts about setting up a deadline with him and she feels too much like shes kicking him out. Its for next spring for heavens sake.
What really gets me angry is at first she agrees and says we will talk to him and set up a time line for him to move out. Then she finds variuos reasons to delay the conversation. And now its up to me to "nag" her about it. Ultimately leading to "another fight about the boys "
I'm getting so tired of playing second fiddle to these two "baby men".
Any advice ?

-Swimming in gratitude.


Evil3's picture

My advice is to set up the meeting. You will need to take matters into your own hands. You will have to give a deadline. Your DW has been given room to keep putting it off. Stop giving her room. It's your home too. It's your marriage. You should refuse to be squeezed out of your own marriage. Announce to your SS and DW that tomorrow at 6 pm is family meeting time and you have something very important to say. If your SS doesn't show up, put an eviction notice in writing.

DPW's picture

Tell her if she doesn't talk about it by the end of the week, you'll be telling SS yourself about the spring move out date.

Wifeypoo's picture

I don't really have any advice but I have a idea as to what she is thinking. She REALLY doesn't want to talk to her son. She TELLs you she agrees with your proposal to shut you up for that moment. She hopes you won't bring it up again for awhile and in the meantime she hopes for a miracle. Miracle being you give up and back off, only this time your not giving in and it's making her really uncomfortable. She's probably deathly afraid of her sons reaction and doesn't want him to think for one second that he is not her precious little boy, who does no wrong in her eyes and who can take all the time he needs to launch. She doesn't want to do or say anything to ruffle his feathers and finds to easier to deal with you being mad than take the steps needed to get her son moving in the direction you want him too. Which is not fair to you at all, and also is not helpful for her selfish sons. They have to notice the tension in the house, yet don't care enough about their mother to change anything for the sake of her marriage. That is so selfish!! Sorry you are going through this this, it really sucks to live like that.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

I think wifeypoo has called it.

Maybe after you announce the family meeting, you could look DW directly in the eyes and firmly say, "This IS going to happen. It IS what's best for all of us, and we WILL be moving forward with this." Take away her hopes for a Hail Mary.

I also agree that giving SS until next spring to leave is too long. I vote for out by January 2016.

ybarra357's picture

"I'm getting so tired of playing second fiddle to these two "baby men""

So why are you allowing it?

MamaDuck's picture

My soon to be step dad is trying to encourage my 19yo brother (who lives with him and our mum) to move out. My mum babies him, spoils him, enables him etc. Step dad is aware of it, but he loves my mum, so what he's doing, is teaching my brother how to be self-sufficient. At the moment, my brother is in charge of paying the bills (with the parents money, but he's responsible to paying on time and how to pay), they needed to change power companies, they had my brother call and do it. Mum was about to go shopping, Step dad said "hang on, give [brother] the keys and cash and he can do it. Boy, we need dinners for X nights and lunches, check the house for other things we need". He's getting my brother prepared to do be able to do these things.

That started at the beginning of this year, my mum is now on step dads side and is ready to let him go out on his own.

Maybe that could be a tactic ??? Alleviate some of your wife's anxiety about her man-baby being out in the big scary world. Maybe. (not suggesting you give man baby access to your accounts though, that works for my brother because he's an honest kid)

Wifeypoo's picture

"That started at the beginning of this year, my mum is now on step dads side and is ready to let him go out on his own."

It would be great if your wife could be weaned over to your way of thinking. IF you can hang on awhile longer that is. Totally understandable if you can't though. You've done your time for these boys and you feel done. Can't say I blame you but the problem is for whatever reason YOU'VE allowed this to be the status quo for so long it's become their normal. 
Since you already pay for everything how about making this offer to your wife. Your Stepsons can get a apartment of their own that you will pay for. This way she doesn't have to worry about how they will make it their own because they still will be taken care of . Now I realize you wouldn't want this to go on indefinitely, but they already are living on your dime. You win by getting them out of your house and DW wins by knowing her sons have a roof over their  head.  Maybe once their out they will actually enjoy it and not want to ever come back. (One can only hope!!)