Sussed
Today we figured out that SS13 is playing the system.
DH got an angry text from BM yesterday saying she wanted to speak to him, so he went over today and had a chat.
BM was very angry and said she wanted us to stop bad-mouthing her behind her back, stop giving SS13 whatever he wants. He always goes on about how amazing life at Dad's is, how Dad doesn't make him do anything. BM said she's sick and tired of hearing about us and just wishes SS13 would live with us full time if we're so amazing.
DH said we don't do any of that. We never talk badly about her, only ever nice things, and if he talks badly of his mom we tell him to be respectful or that it's not nice. We tell him off all the time and we make him do things that he claims BM never would. DH said I'm sick and tired of being the bad cop to your good cop.
Turns out SS13 is playing the victim card at both houses saying the other house is nicer and he's treated better at the other house. Telling lies like he never gets told off, he's allowed so and so, "Dad would let me do that." Making up house rules that don't exist saying his mom or dad needs to do the same - for example, "Dad always picks me up from school, why won't you?" DH does not pick him up from school, he takes the bus.
DH and BM have agreed to shut him down on the comparisons in the future because both parties are sick and tired of hearing how amazing the other house is and if they both shut him down on it, it won't be either of them badmouthing the other.
So that was good. Hopefully it will stop the manipulating. We'll see how it goes. Apparently BM is in shock that SS13 isn't as innocent as she thought.
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Comments
It is good that you realized
It is good that you realized this now- your DH can communicate with BM with things being said.
My kids tried to pull this with little things when they were elementary age. My exH and I quickly stopped it. We openly tell the kids that we talked recently. He and his wife share little updates so, as do I, so that the kids know just by general conversation that we talk.
Things like: Make sure to pack sneakers this weekend for the apple picking.
Kids: HoW DiD yOu KnOw??
Me: Me and your dad talk all the time!
--- knocks the stupid stuff off if they think they can't get away with it.
It's great that you and your
It's great that you and your ex have that communication and I respect how you mention his wife normally as well, as my DH's ex still can't call me his wife and instead calls me his dear friend. I hope my DH and his ex are able to keep up the communication like you
Good!
SD pulled this all the time. Unfortunately, our communication with BM wasnt good enough to shut it down. I'm glad for you.
A good way to shut it down is
A good way to shut it down is to do this:
Kid "Mom never x,y,z so why do you?"
Dad: says nothing, picks up phone calls Moom and tells her what child is say and asks her if it's true.
Throw this one back. BM is
Throw this one back. BM is trying to save you. Let her.
Why!?
Why is this your only advice? Like all men are fish. "Throw it back". She has a husband she loves. Two older SKs who adore her and whom she adores. A youngest SK who is a twerp, and has now been called on it - so everyone is on the same page. The older SKs aren't plotting with him, he's just a brat. Instead of celebrating with her that the source of most of her issues has potentially been resolved it's the tossed out line "throw it back". Honestly it sounds as though her marriage is pretty decent and likely worth staying in!
OP - Congrats. It sounds like DH and BM are on the same page. Hopefully they continue talking and can jerk a knot in this kid's tail and teach him how to be a useful human being. Hopefully this is the beginning of good things. He'll fight back and whine for a while, but if both parents suddenly stop the guilt and trying to keep him perpetually happy, maybe he'll grow up! Good luck!
Thank you!
This made me think about where I'm really lucky in the relationship - I was wallowing a bit and it made me snap out of it. SS13 is such a handful but the other two are great and I should just learn to handle SS13 and BM better (as in be better at disengaging). Thank you!
Good for them for working
Good for them for working together to stop this. My SS did something similar but there was no way to work with BM. She always believed every lie he told.
If BM and DH can communicate
If BM and DH can communicate without a ton of high conflict.. I think that they could shut this down by calling the other parent during the pity fest and whine o rama that the boy goes through.. then they could both be on the phone.. and BACK the other parent UP! When the kid finds out they actually are communicating and have the same expectations.. or at least back up that other parent's right to have their own rules in their own homes.. then the kid will have that little wind taken out of his sails.