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sweetthing's picture

Here's a question I need answered. My oldest ss is 9. He is a very smart boy ( also going through the I know everything stage) yet this is the one that can't remember to take his plate to the kitchen & put it in the dishwasher. He also can't seem to do a good job looking for things when he can't find them. His version of looking is standing there & saying I can't find it.

This last weekend we took the kids to my parents for their own Christmas. All went well except oldest is very set in his was & will only drink 1% milk not 2% and refused to try this traditional swedish rice pudding that we have prior to our holiday meal. His brother ate it & loved it. This one sat there saying I am not Swedish I am German. ( mom is mostly German DH is as well as Polish)

Any how, we get home & 9 yr old can't find his hat. DH,me & 6 year old are all carrying in things & 9yr old is looking for his hat, which he had when he got in the car. He comes in the house & announces he can't find it & goes to sit down. I tell him he needs to go back out & look & to tell DH as he is still out there unhooking the kids DVD player. I end up out there ( after throwing in a load of diry laundry) and have him check pockets ect. DH can tell I am upset and gave SS a lecture on being respectful to me thinking ss was on his I know everything kick. Turns out hat fell out on the ground when he opened the door and the kid was almost standing on it.

I felt bad because I was really hard on him about YOU need to find it. Meanwhile 6 yr old has hauled in all his gifts & brought them upstairs to his room and put them away( where did this one come from) I did tell him I was sorry, but that he has to be responsible otherwise he is going to grow up & be the guy in the office that everybody complains about thinking his mother works there. I used my exhusband as an example, as ss knows my ex was not helpful. I told him I loved him & always will even when he upsets me. So fast forward to yesterday. He came home from school took off the watch my mom bought him when he went to the bathroom & then couldn't find it when mom picked him up. He did the usual I am standing in one place & don't have it so that counts as looking.

So to my question, what should be expected of a child at age 9 as far as responsibility? I grew up in a house where I had lots of responsibility so I am not sure how to judge.

Comments

lovin-life's picture

Welcome to my world, Sweetthing! I struggle with this also where my son has ADD....What's normal for age 11? What's not? Bottom line..I don't think my son 'enjoys' misplacing things...I think it frustrates him almost as much as it frustrates me. I'm sure he would love to feel 'competend', 'organized', mature, & responsible.....so I try not to 'beat him up too much over it' so to speak...but there are many times I have trouble containing my frustration!

I believe in 'natural consequences' to a degree... ei If you can't find your hat....you'll have a cold head! If you lost your money....you don't get to buy anything! I try to work with him..to get him in patterns..& routines like always putting something in the same spot....it's always there when you look for it...

My guy can't find anything either.....but I'll give him specific instructions...like..if he's sent to get something out of the deep freeze...lift up the loafs of bread....move the basket..look under it. And he'll usually come up with something... It's almost like you have to 'teach them' how to find thier stuff..or 'teach them' how to remember things....

Maybe I'm going about it wrong.....but I don't think getting pissed over these 'little things' is worth it. We will 'bug' him or 'tease' him rather than get mad....we're always joking around in the house..we all 'bug' each other..so that helps too.....

sweetthing's picture

is that ss doesn't have add it is a matter that his mother has done everything for him. He is definitely attatched at the apron strings. He also sleeps with his recieving blanket from when he was an infant. He has one at our house & one at mom's. DH suggested it was time to get rid of them & he freaked out. Mom feels that it is okay if he has one so we are stuck. However DH has told both boys that they are not allowed outside of their rooms as they have repeated lost them & we get sick of looking for them at bedtime.

My mother even mentioned that she could tell he was used to being waited on.

I guess it's just different parenting styles. Both DH & I were raised to be very self sufficent.

I wish that there was a book that let you know that at age 10 you should be able to do dishes or laundry. That would be awesome. I want them to stay kids for as long as possible, but I don't want them to end up like my ex who never had to do anything and turned out lazy.

lovin-life's picture

I read about the 'natural consequences' approach years ago...I ran into a lady at a discovery toys show, who used to work for child services and they used this book as the core of their parenting class.

It's hard when they are parented two different ways....

The book is called "Children, the Challenge"...it's older, 1965...but has good theories and approaches for many different issues. Learned.."helplessness" is one of them. If I remeber right...it's also a means of 'controlling' the parent..to keep them at their beck & call...as a means of getting attention...but undermines their self-esteem in the long run..... Smile

Anne 8102's picture

Jeez, this is not also my soon-to-be 9yo son, it's also my 39yo husband. Neither one of them could find anything that's not affixed to their persons via scotch tape, glue, staples or velcro. I chalked it up to being a "man thing." Send one of them into the living room to find something, they both do the same thing... stand there turning their heads from side to side with stupid looks on their faces. That's not LOOKING, that's standing in a room pretending to look. It's easier to just holler for me, because I have that supermom capability of KNOWING where everything is without having to actually look. If I know where something is, I just tell them. Life's too short. If I don't know where it is, well, they either find it or it stays lost. If it's something I need, then I go find it myself. For the 9yo, I think it's more about not wanting to stop doing whatever it is he WANTS to do to go waste time searching for a missing item. It's easier to get MAMA to do it. With my policy of if you can't find it, then it stays lost, that has motivated him to keep better track of his stuff. But I still haven't found a way to teach my husband how to look! ;°)

~ Anne ~

lovin-life's picture

We keep all of our 'superpowers' in our BOOBS!!

Along with the directions to operate the washing machine.....and where to find the 'on' switch for the vacuum cleaner....haha Smile

Anne 8102's picture

And I thought it was all that breastfeeding! Don't forget the dishwasher. We all have special dishwasher vision that makes the dishwasher visible only to us! NO ONE ELSE EVEN KNOWS THE DISHWASHER EXISTS!

~ Anne ~

lovin-life's picture

It has to be the boobs!!!! It the only explaination I can come up with after all these years......HAHAHAHAH Smile

Hesitant's picture

He has been responsible for a number of different things from since he was 7 or 8: making his bed every morning (I didnt care how 'bad or messy' it looked, as long as the comforter was over the sheets!), keeping his room generally picked up (where I could at least see the floor), emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, and most importantly, picking up his toys that he tended to string out all over the house. I told him a looooonnnnnngggggg time ago that I am not the maid, and if I tell him to pick them up and he doesn't, then I'm going to pick them up and give them to Good Will. And it only took ONE TIME for me to do that he realized how serious I was!
I find now that since he has been doing them for so long, he just expects that more chores get added on as he gets older... but on the flip side, he also knows as he gets older he gets more privileges: his bedtime gets pushed back alittle, he gets alittle more on his allowance, things of that nature. Before we moved into our apartment we lived in a house with a wood burning stove. At that time he was also responsbile for carrying in wood every day!

Caitlin's picture

I find my 11-year-old SD to be VERY responsible... most of the time. Many times she is very thoughtful and she doesn't have to be told to put her dirty clothes in the hamper, put her dish in the dishwasher, pick up after herself, but she does slip up sometimes. I figure it's pretty normal. She never has an attitude about, which is nice! If I have to remind her, she might roll her eyes and then grin and say "kidding!" and go do it.

Then sometimes she will really surprise me when I'm doing some deep cleaning which I don't expect her to do at all because she's at our house a grand total of 5 or 6 days a month. She will interrupt my cleaning and offer to mop the floor, or scrub the stove top, or vaccuum the rugs... and tell me to sit down and relax because I deserve it! What a sweet kid! So if I'm picking up her dirty socks from under the couch, or cleaning up her trail of crumbs and spills from the kitchen to the living room, I just smile and shake my head and think of how good I really have it.

sweetthing's picture

going to start looking for SS's watch he lost yesterday. I told him that maybe he should wait & have ss due it after he does his homework. He thought that was good idea & that both boys could not watch TV until they found it.
I mean come on, the kid came home, took it off because he was going to use the and now doesn't know where it is. I did tell him it's water resistant you don't have to take it off to wash your hands.
This ought to be interesting. I feel particularly evil because I am going to go get my nails done & a pedicure after work & DH is stuck figuring this out.
I did suggest since he & ex wife are getting along so well these days that he ask her what responsibilities the boys have at her house so we are all on the same page. He is leary to do this as she might see it as confrontational..I disagree.
Things have been really good with her & DH even suggested that we get together sometime with her BF so he can get to know him better and her since they have both grown as people since their divorce. She is going to run it by BF & see if he would be game.

If this never happens at least this was a major step for DH. She also knows about baby & sent me an email yesterday telling me she was really happy for us. ( IS this all something or what)