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PeacenQuiet - You inspired another one! OT- Teaching a child to appreciate themselves

Stick's picture

Without going overboard.

I have seen quite a few posts on here where women have described their assets.

For me, that is something extremely difficult to do. I can say I might have a nice... whatever... but even then, I feel funny. I was taught that we can appreciate our own looks but are not supposed to be boastful about them.

I have written about SD before.. that I think she has some narcissistic tendencies - some of them from her mom.

SD has become a very good writer. She reads like there's no tomorrow and books are being burned so she has to gobble them up! She has become a mature writer. It impresses me how well she can convey thoughts on paper.

But I also have been a little disturbed lately. She usually writes first person and has a few pieces where she describes herself in very beautiful terms. "Rich dark hair... night black eyes that lose their mysterious sheen"... things like that. She also only finds beauty in women with features similar to hers (dark hair, dark eyes). Otherwise, they are just "ok".

While I am glad that she knows which of her features are striking... it makes me uncomfortable personally to read someone describe themselves that way.

Is it me? I have been on both sides of the fence.. I have been told I am pretty and I have been told that I am ugly. So is that my insecurity? Or my upbringing?

I asked my husband (who is soooo handsome, by the way - way out of my league!) and he also thought it odd. He would never refer to himself as good looking... and for those of you on here that have seen his photo... you know how handsome he really is!!

I guess I just feel worried for her. One that she looks at herself and thinks of herself as that beautiful to that extent... Confidence builder.. yes... but vanity? Two - Does it come out in other ways when she speaks to people? I don't want her to appear stuck up. And Three - if she is that stuck on her beauty and focuses so much on that... it sets her up - in my opinion for a real HUGE opportunity to be hurt. Like a hair cut could devastate her if it's bad.

She also has recently picked up the very very bad habit of looking in every single mirror or reflective surface that is close to her. To the point that her and I are having conversations and she will keep looking at herself while she is speaking to me. I noticed that in an ex -boyfriend (!) of hers as well. So I told her to stop it... it's rude... and that she doesn't want to turn into her ex!! It got the point across - but only with me. I still see her doing it.

Does anyone else deal with this? Am I making too much out of it? Is it normal and I'm the one who's Abby-Normal??

And if you agree this is a problem - how would you deal with it?

Comments

Amazed's picture

My SD is just like that...VERY into how "beautiful,talented,amazing and wonderful" she is. And she absolutely can't unstick her face from the mirror. She thinks no one is in her league and she's only 11. She talks about how great she is at everything...I wish I was making that up but it's unfortunately so true. She talks about how she's the best artist,dancer,singer,etc... and anyone who isn't blonde with blue eyes just isn't pretty.

I tune her out bc it's annoying but who am I to undermine her confidence? Who am I to tell a child, "um...sd your singing is offkey and makes my ears bleed and your dancing is so off time that I get embarrassed for you when watching." Not my job to take her off her "I'm so great" high horse. She was perched there by TheFrizz and DH...so I let her stay there. Who knows, maybe I would be better off today if I would have been this way as a child? maybe I wouldn't have the confidence issues I struggle with on a daily basis.

By the way...your husband is a smoldering, yummy Grade A choice cut of beef but you're a hottie-mchottie-totties too ya know!!

~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~

Stick's picture

Isolated... I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to hurt her confidence because she does struggle... but on the other hand... if we let it go... how does that help them when they get older?

I know a few people that are like that... as adults, they have to say what they do that's great...or they are complimenting themselves. It's annoying at the very least. It's very rare that I find an adult like that attractive - even if they are physically beautiful.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Amazed's picture

On the flip side of talking good about yourself...I was thinking about how I am. I will joke about how sexy I am or how cute I am or smart or whatever...but deep down I really don't believe it or feel that I'm pretty or smart. I do it because I have no real confidence so I have to make it up. Does that make sense??? No matter how much someone tells you that you're beautiful,intelligent,wonderful...you'll never believe it until you learn to see the qualities for yourself with your own heart and your own eyes. I figure if I joke about how "great I am" then one day I'll actually believe it and feel good about myself instead of trying to trick myself into thinking good things. Maybe SD is doing something similar?? Probably not but I just thought I'd throw that out there as another perspective on it.

~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Ok now, Barbie & Stick are HOTTIES! (And their hubbies aren't bad either! Wink LOL!)

As far as the mirror thing goes Stick, my sister and I both have a HORRIBLE habit of looking at ourselves ALL.THE.TIME. I have a small mirror in my desk drawer and I look in it multiple times a day. I have a compact in my purse, etc... It's NOT because I think I'm beautiful, it's because I always want to be REASSURED I look ok and don't have eyeliner smeared down my face or a booger hanging in my nose or something in my teeth. My sister is the very same way, always checking to see if she's 'OK' or not. We developed these habits separately too because I left home at 18 and she was just 8 years old then, so she didn't pick this up from me. So maybe your SD is actually looking for reassurance that she is in fact beautiful? Maybe she is very insecure and that's how she copes? Just a thought anyway.

Stick's picture

Yes Wicked..I do think you are right. I do think that she needs to be reassured and is definitely insecure. It's a conundrum that she can describe her own beauty, yet still feel insecure. I get that. I still think that when she is talking to a person, she should look at the person and not at whatever surface happens to reflect herself.

I think that's different than checking yourself throughout the day to make sure you are still all there and all put together! If it were that, and she was touching up her make up etc. I'd be a little more understanding. As it is, she is just looking at herself. And I mean literally - every 2 or 3 minutes in a conversation, if she is facing the mirror she will look at herself.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Yes, I do see how that's a bit different. My SDs are not good at keeping eye contact when they're talking and it drives me crazy. I will stop them and make them look at me and then repeat what they were saying so I understand the rudeness of not looking at the person you are talking to. I'm not sure what to think about her looking at herself instead though?? Hmmm.... I'm going to think about this a while.

GiGi222's picture

I too am guilty of looking in the mirror all.the.time. Sometimes I will be talking to someone while looking at myself! Its because, like WSM I want to make sure I look OK.
I actually worry about my own son. It seems like he constantly needs to be reassured that he is good looking/fun/good kid. And its hard because I don't want him to be lacking in the confidence department. I want him to love who he is, but my assuring him only goes so far.

belleboudeuse's picture

I've read many, many articles about research saying that this generation of kids shows more narcissistic tendencies than any in the past. No surprise, really, with helicopter parents, social networking, lots and lots and lots of media (film, tv, fashion, advertising) focusing on and targeting THEM specifically, etc.

http://www.parentdish.com/2009/04/28/parents-partially-to-blame-for-narc...

I know that my OSD is almost-compulsively told everything she does is amazing. (Well, it's gotten better with DH lately.) Seriously, sometimes I expect to hear DH or BM crow "NICE JOB, _____!" upon seeing her successfully tie her shoes (she's 17). But that's not strictly appearance, of course.

My SD looks at herself in the mirror all the time, too. In fact, we have a large mirror above our couch, and sometimes when we're all sitting there watching TV, she will get up for no reason I can fathom and stand on the couch just so she can look at herself in the mirror, muss her hair, pout her lips and turn her face from side to side, etc. And honestly, she is not at all the most narcissistic kid I know, AT ALL.

I'm not sure what can be done about it. I do know that I've talked to my H a lot about, instead of complimenting her on her looks, complimenting her on her accomplishments, and ONLY accomplishments that are ACTUALLY accomplishments. Like, finishing a sudoku doesn't deserve a standing ovation, you know?

Who knows. SUCH a tough line to draw between helping them develop healthy self-esteem, and creating a kid that expects a parade every time she learns a new word. Hard to help a kid feel good about the way she looks, and unintentionally fostering an obsession with those looks.

And also -- yes, Stick, your husband is FINE! Smile But you are freaking GORGEOUS!!!!!

BB

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Perfectson17 doesn't pay much attention to how he looks... once in a while he'll actually even comb his hair! LOL!

HOWEVER, I have tons of his friends on my facebook and do you know what I just realized that they ALL do?? 15, 16, 17 year old girls? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM will take a gazillion pictures of themselves from every angle, making every face, looking in the mirror, whatever and they post them up. I don't get it. SD14 will get DH's cell phone and take tons of pictures of herself with it... ????? I don't get this...at all! It's something weird with this generation is all I can figure out because I have celebrated every single thing perfectson has ever done but he's not stuck on himself at all. Weird kids!

Kb3Hooah's picture

Honestly, I think the whole million picture thing on FB is a way of trying to assure themselves that they are "pretty". I bet you that out of those gazillion pictures that were posted on FB, about 2 gazillion were taken, the ones they didn't like or didn't think they were pretty in were taken out. The more pictures that they have of themselves that they think they look good in and can get the most compliments on, the better they will feel about themselves and they think it will somehow counter the insecurities they actually have of themselves.

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

You're probably right MM but I sure don't understand it. I guess for as insecure as I've been about myself during my life, it could be worse!!

ChaiLatte's picture

My SS doesn't have the mirror issue, but he is very much into himself. He brags about things that don't even make sense. Like once he told me he was a good nutritionist. He eats junk for every meal and I've never seen him get close enough to a vegetable to smell it, let alone eat it. He is own biggest fan, and brags often about how good he is at everything he touches. For example, he'll brag to me about how good he is at school work, which is something he is actually quite terrible at. I'm not sure if he is bragging about something he is good at when he really isn't to convince me, or convince himself. He may be trying to compensate for how bad he knows he's at something, by trying to lie about how good he is at it hoping he'll convince the listener. He also may not be thinking that deeply at all, and is bragging because he's just that delusional and believes it. I just chalked this up to being male. I think it's irresponsible of me to indulge SS's delusions about how great he is at schoolwork, because his performance is nothing to celebrate. SS is self absorbed in general and I handle it the way I handle a lot of things, by ignoring it as much as possible. Sometimes I can't ignore it though. DH is the type of parent to cheer and also insist I join in, and make a fuss over grades I would be punishing him for. Then I put on a blank expression to hide how I really feel and give a pretty enthusiastic "Yep, way to go. Great job on those grades."

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

Stick's picture

It's funny Chai - SD over here is like that about her grades and her studies. Except in her case, she is taking advanced courses and some very difficult courses (chemistry, engineering, etc.)

She has said, I would like to see some adults do what I have to do in school (meaning her mom, or whoever) and I cut that off QUICK.

I tell her that she is not the only one that has finished these courses. And that yes, I personally might suck at the Chemistry and Engineering, but I could give her a run for her money in her College Level English (which I also took in high school). And her father could definitely handle the work she is doing.

I hate it. I know part of it is, "I'm a teenager, hear me roar!"... but I guess, that's where my family history comes in. My parents let us be proud.... but if I were to ever say to my dad... I bet you couldn't do this... He'd prove me wrong!! Smile And show love and graciousness while doing it!!

** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

belleboudeuse's picture

Yeah, that's EXACTLY what bothers me, Stick! It seems that the parents of this generation have worried soooo much about instilling self-esteem in their kids, but I am convinced that equally important (if not MORE important) qualities are HUMILITY and GENEROSITY.

I remember my parents worrying a lot about my character because I was an only child. They didn't want me to grow up selfish and self-centered. They were very judicious in their compliments -- they did praise me for a job well done. But if I started to get full of myself, my father would stop me short by saying, "You are not the center of the universe. You need to learn some consideration and respect for others."

Security and self-esteem are only one side of the coin. The TRULY secure person is one whose sense of self is not based in superficial things, and does not come at the expense of others. THAT is a lesson that is worth spending time teaching, in my opinion.

BB

"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin

Stick's picture

Thanks so much Belle!! I'm so glad I am making sense. And I love what you wrote and I'm going to quote it here... because as always - you say what I am trying to get out so much better!!

Belle quote:
"Security and self-esteem are only one side of the coin. The TRULY secure person is one whose sense of self is not based in superficial things, and does not come at the expense of others. THAT is a lesson that is worth spending time teaching, in my opinion."

Well said!! Smile

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

ChaiLatte's picture

I agree that upbringing has a lot to do with it. My family raised me with values like humility and kindness. They would have never encouraged me to brag to other people. My family also would not accept mediocre grades, let alone poor ones. I was only allowed to get good grades, and that was all there was to it. This was what was expected. It still wouldn't make it right, but I could be a little more understanding if SS was working hard, or in advanced classes. Being self centered is just not an attractive quality.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

Kb3Hooah's picture

I may be a little biased, but my DS is a super cutie pie. He's not into his looks, doesn't look at himself in the mirror, and is very humble when receiving a compliment about how he's such a cutie, he starts to blush and has this slight grin on his face.

My DD and SD on the other hand are always in competition with one another, about every single thing. I get the sense that SD's confidence makes DD feel beneath her somewhat so she is constantly trying to prove that she's just as good. She also looks in the mirror constantly and I do think this has to do with insecurity on some level.

Stick, I don't know how old your SD is, but I think that girls, especially as they get older feel this need to 'out do' other girls, which causes insecurities in themselves. Maybe there are girls in her school or that she's friends with that she constantly feels beneath and in competition with?

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Stick's picture

You are right MM... SD over here is 16. And there is one girl at school... SD says that for the most part, she is confident in herself, except with this one girl. And of course, that's the girl that has set out to steal every boy that SD says she likes. (UGH!!! A whole other story!!)

I love your little DS's attitude. I think it just makes him that much cuter when he is humble and blushes!! I just want to squeeze him just reading about him!! Wink

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Kb3Hooah's picture

I love your little DS's attitude. I think it just makes him that much cuter when he is humble and blushes!! I just want to squeeze him just reading about him!!

--------------> Omgosh, I know...you should see it IRL! Really not trying to be too boastful here about him, but this part of his personality truly makes me VERY proud of him!

___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Stick's picture

MM - I think he gets that from you - if I may be so bold. I have seen others compliment you on here and you are always very humble about it. Smile So... I hope you realize that part of his beauty comes from you - in more than the physical sense! Smile

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Kb3Hooah's picture

Thank you Stick (Blushing myself):)
___________________________________________________________________________
“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."

Amazed's picture

Stepma...you're right about the way you're brought up being a huge impact. My mother brought me up while comparing me to "all the other girls" ..."why can't you dress like that girl??" "why won't you fix your hair like that girl, she's so cute." "why can't you stick with your piano lessons like that girl...she plays beautifully." "why can't you be cheerful and perky like those girls instead of moody and serious???"

I spent all of my teen years and most of my twenties measuring my worth by how closely I can resemble the women around me.

~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~

Stick's picture

Ahh Isolated... exactly what SD grew up with. That's it. Her mom has always compared her to other girls.... with those exact same quotes (except about piano - for her it was why can't she like dance... her cousins love the dance lessons!!)...

It's amazing how cutting words like that can be. BM over here doesn't get it. We tell her that that is part of the issue between her and SD and she just responds with ..."Well, that's how I was raised!!" or "My mom called me stupid, so I'm not saying anything that bad!"... It's sad really.

I'm sorry your mom put you thru that.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

Amazed's picture

I always tell my mom she didn't get enough hugs as a kid. It's funny though bc even to this day, she doesn't think i'm skinny enough, doesn't like how I wear my hair,my makeup,blahblahblah... I get to where I have to tune it all out. I'm getting good at that! lol

~Why run away? I know who I am...you know who I am. Just let me be~

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Good grief girl... once in a while my mom will tell me to put on lipstick because I look dead but that's about it. How in the world have you handled that your whole life???? Here I am always telling perfectson just how PERFECT he is! I can't imagine picking him apart like that!

Amazed's picture

lol wicked...I always tell ChooChoo how handsome and adorable he is. Of course, I manage to mix into those positive things the other stuff he needs to work on...but he still knows he's a cute,smart,funny boy. I think giving a fair amount of praise also teaches kids to pass on that kindness to someone else.

As for dealing with my mom...thick skin baby...just thick skin.
And a man-like ability to use selective hearing }:)

An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

Hahaha! I do that with perfectson too... I've said things like 'Oh perfectson I'm so proud of you for making such a great grade in whatever so now if you'll pull your head out of your ass you can make that in the other classes too!' Biggrin (But he really is dang near perfect Wink )

And girl you MUST have thick skin. I don't think I could have ever handled that! See, I'm a weenie!

Stick's picture

Nicely said Katrinkle... Qualities definitely hold much more weight than assets.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***