How do you help SKs who know their mother doesn't want them?
I want to say, SDs have known this for years, but this stuff always weighs down on kids hard and manifests itself differently in each kid. They are also coping much better with this and issues of abuse they've dealt with, because they've realized their dad will be there for them through thick and thin, and always love them very deeply no matter how badly they screw up. They also have a wonderful therapist, and I've become a lot closer with them too. It kills me to see them in pain like this.
OSD came to me over the weekend and was in tears about her BM's not wanting her or YSD. She has also talked about this with DH at length too. I can't imagine the pain he feels as a father when he hears his kids talk about what they go through. I can say it shakes him to the core. She writes about it. She's a great writer. OSD said she feels so hurt by this, and sometimes thinks about it all day. YSD feels it too. She doesn't talk about it as much, but she's very artsy, and a lot of her artwork reflects the darkness she feels.
How do you help kids who deal with this? How do you help their self-esteem? I try to listen and just give them the best advice I can, and let them know that I love them. DH does the same. However, I just want to say something that will take the most pain away possible.
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How old are they? How old
How old are they? How old were they when mom left them?
They were 9 and 11 when we
They were 9 and 11 when we got custody of them. Sadly, though, BM washed her hands of them before that. They're 15 and 17 now.
I think you teach them about
I think you teach them about forgiveness. You tell them in her own way she does love them and feels they are better off without her. That by making the decision to be out of their life she has kept the ugly part away from them
You focus that she is the one with the problem not them, but you teach the acceptance of her as a person.
You don't want to PAS them though, so you also teach them to love her and forgive her.
We don't PAS. I do talk to
We don't PAS. I do talk to them about forgiveness. They have forgiven her, but they still feel hurt about it, especially when they see other kids with loving moms. I think they've been more gracious towards her than I would have been if I had been in their situation. They send her flowers for her birthday, Mothers Day, and get her things for Christmas. They make attempts to contact her via Myspace, FB, and phone calls. However, she rejects their efforts.
I do tell them that she loves them in her own way, and feels they are better off without her. They know she has deep issues.
It just is so hard, though, to see them go through this.
Just keep reinforcing that
Just keep reinforcing that their mom made her choices, and that had nothing to do with them. They need to know that they did not make her leave. I work with teens, and have a couple in similar situations. They sometimes blame themselves, and they often don't come out and say it, but you know they do. The artwork and writing can be great tools to allow them to vent in a healthy way, and some "dark" is ok, as long as you do not become alarmed by it. Several of my "kids" write poetry and keep journals and it really helps.
Therapy is definitely a great thing, and your being there for these girls is awesome, too.
They will be ok, but there are times and stages, like now, where they want their mom. That sting of rejection is more like a huge burn now, with their ages.
They are so lucky to have you.
My ss's BM is not coming
My ss's BM is not coming around either. I wonder sometimes if what I say is right. Dh and I both tell him its not his fault. SS never ask or sayes anything. I wished I new what he really feels. I'm just scared he'll hide his pain and act out later. But i'm seeing no signs of that.
I really don't know. Because
I really don't know. Because SD15's BM abandoned her kids (she didn't do anything that was required to get them back after she had them taken by CPS and hasn't seen any of them in 10 years), DH feels that he can't walk away from her no matter how abusive her behavior is and no matter how disrespectful she is to me or him. It's like we have to tolerate her behavior because her BM is such a loser and not hold her accountable for anything.
I think therapy does more harm than good in some situation and makes these kids dwell far too much on what's happened to them in the past. There's a certain point when people need to move on, not keep obsessing over the past.
My SS16's BM washed her hands
My SS16's BM washed her hands of him about 8 years ago. He bounced around the foster system for a year or two before the state realized my DH should have him. (DH and SS had no relationship before - BM took boy across the country and agreed that DH didn't need to be involved - she remarried...)
So at the wonderful age of about 10 SS came to live with my DH (before my time). Dumped by his mother, a couple of bad foster placements and even a group home failure. At this point there isn't much we can tell the kid.
I did try at the beginning to help him recognize that the only one that can truly help him is himself. If he wants to dwell on the actions of a bi-polar mental mess of a mother, and let that dictate how he lives his life - then he will never find success and happiness. He has to find it within himself to move beyond it and make his life something worth living.
I gave him some inspirational books to read (he did therapy for years - no progress because he wouldn't actually talk to the therapist), in hopes that he could find a sting of hope in them.
Nope. not a damn thing. He just exists. He has no goals. No hopes or plans. After reading the Dave Pelzer books, the only thing he said/asked was - "do they ever tell us why his mom decided to start abusing him like this?" I said no. but the point of the book is to recognize that Mr. Pelzer was able to move past it. It doesn't mean it didn't happen, just that it doesn't define the type of man he has become.
Like I said. Nothing.
Hopefully you have better luck than we have.