Disengagement

There's a lot of talk on here about SM's disengagement from BioMom. Does anyone have any experience with a daughter disengaging from her own mother? BioMom is so useless and clueless to me. It's not just about me, it's about her own 15 year old daughter. When she says she'll call at 3pm.. and she doesn't call until 4pm. When she says she'll be over to pick her up for the night after helping her sister put away things from a garage sale - that she was at all day today - the day she is supposed to be with her own daughter... and still has not shown up at 6:39pm. BioMom asks SD to go to the movies tomorrow (this is at 4p, when she called an hour late and SD gave her mom a very terse, "If I have my homework done, maybe after"). I tell SD that if I were to ask her to the movies, she'd love to go, so if her mom asks, maybe she should try. But then, I'm sitting here with SD on a Saturday that her mom was supposed to have her. BioMom only seems concerned and worried about what she's doing. UGHHHH. I just gave SD some dinner because I gave up. I knew she was hungry. I was holding out in the thought that maybe BioMom would want to take her so SD and I were just snacking. WHAT IS WITH THESE WOMEN??? I just am so disgusted right now. And it's hard to promote SD to have a good relationship with her mom when her mom does stuff like this. I realize that this is a vicious circle - BioMom hurts SD and then SD lashes out or disengages. The problem is that when BioMom tries, SD doesn't accept it. And then BioMom stops trying. I don't know if BM stops trying because SD attitude. I'm more likely to believe that only caring about herself is BM's natural behavior and that is why SD has the attitude. At least, that is how BM has been over and over again. So my question is - does anyone have experience with a daughter disengaging from their own mother? And how do you deal with that?

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Disengagement Pt 2

I try not to say anything at all to SD about BM's behavior. But today I did slip and told her I was holding out on dinner but that we should probably just eat because we are not sure when mom is coming and that's a little disappointing. SD's reply is that she doesn't care that she's late... she prefers it. She's saving her homework so that when she gets to Bm's she can go in her room and just do that all night.

Kids aren't stupid and they

Kids aren't stupid and they see and understand way more than we give them credit for. At 15 she gets it I am sure.....I wouldn't say it is PAS I would say it is a person (SD) seeing someone (BM) for who they really are.....

I did it with my own mother

My mother decided that she would rather send me away to live with her parents so that she could take the "easy road" and live with her partner (gay) who did not get along with me, and the two younger kids.
After I moved out, at the age of 9, she never ONCE called me. Now keep in mind I was 9 years old, having moved across the country all by myself (she put me on a plane with one huge suitcase and sent me off...my flight even had a layover in one of the largest airports in the country! I did make it though). Never sent me any presents for birthdays or Christmas (except for the box of my old stuff I got a month AFTER my birthday from her) and never visited me. I called her on a fairly regular basis, but she never really cared to talk to me.
Eventually when I was like 13, I decided that I had had enough. I was sick of the one-way relationship with my mother. The last time I spoke to her on the phone, she was trying to tell me that my boyfriend was a loser and I shouldn't be with him. Mind you, she hadn't seen me in 4 years and didn't know anything about this guy. I told her that she had given up the right to tell me who to date or what to do when she sent me away and then didn't see me for years. Then I hung up and never called her again.

She still to this day has never called me.

I have called her a couple of times since I got pregnant with my first child last year - once to tell her she was going to be a grandmother (my only sibling can't have children), once to ask her how her pregnancies and deliveries went, and once to tell her that the baby was born.
I have tried really hard to come to terms with it over the years, and have tried repeatedly to start up a relationship with her since I turned 18...but it has never worked. Sadly my mother is also the queen of PAS so my sister doesn't want anything to do with our father either from her brainwashing and poisoning. The sad thing is that my father has tried to do for my sister, all of the things that my mother never did for me, but my mother has subverted all of his attempts to build a relationship with my sister. They have recently started talking now that my sister is an adult, but I think that my sister and I will forever each have the one parent that we love and spend time with, and they will never be the same parent.

As far as how to deal with it...my stepmother never brought it up. She never said anything negative about my mother. If I ever brought it up, she was supportive of me without being negative about the situation. I love and respect my stepmother so much because not only did she fill the void in my life that came from not really having a mother of my own, but she did it with grace, class and respect. Do that, and you're golden.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but I'm even more sorry for your SD, having been through a similar situation myself I know how she feels

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Nymh

Thank you so much for sharing that. I can't begin to express how sorry I am that you went through that yourself as well. SD has already told me that when she's an adult, she wants to cut off contact with her mother, because she doesn't see the need for it. She may only keep contact with her cousins on her mom's side! Right now, DH and I are the ones making sure that relationship between SD and BM doesn't completely break down by enforcing a visit at least 1 time a week and 1 overnight every other weekend. When you made the decision to cut off contact with your BM, how did your stepmom and father handle it? Did they just say, OK, you can do that, and just call her whenever you want? What kind of support did they offer you? I'm concerned that if we let SD do that, it could be taken as us using PAS. But the reality is, it would hurt SD sooo much less if we let her just decide not to see her BM for a while. And then when she's ready, let her have a visit. On Monday, DH is going to call BM (when SD is with me) and tell BM in no uncertain terms that what she did yesterday was horrible and selfish and that we will not stand for it anymore. I'm also going to be calling SD's counselor to let her know, so she can make sure SD can at talk it out with her on their next visit. I will really try to go by your "golden" suggestion! Thanks again...

What my parents did

My parents knew that my relationship with my mother had been suffering since she sent me away, and that I had very little contact with her anyway. When I told them what happened, they were supportive of my decision and comforted me, but didn't really say anything beyond that. I think that in your situation as well as mine, there really is no story for PAS since the evidence is overwhelming that the BM has little interest in building a relationship with the child. As my situation happened over 10 years ago, I don't know if PAS was really "big" back then like it is now.

Is your visitation schedule court-ordered? In my situation, my mother voluntarily terminated her rights when she sent me to my grandparents' to live. I think that would be the best course of action if your SD decides that she doesn't want to visit or talk to BM on a regular schedule anymore. If BM is anything like my mother, she won't put up a fight.

Though drawing on my own experience, it is really important that the child feels loved and supported and has a good relationship with you guys as parents. She will be old enough to rebel in a couple of years and if she doesn't feel like she has a really solid home and a loving relationship with her parents, she may look for that love elsewhere and grow up way too fast.