O/T sorta- MIL is here, day 4 of my personal hell
You guys were so helpful at making me see the humor in this situation and the fact that I've put up with this B*tch and her antics for too long... Thanks for the support and advice. I am really in it now, so I don't know what else I can do except count down the days until my in-laws leave.
But because this situation now resembles a bad sit-com, (My in-laws favorite thing!) I thought I'd update you, at least so that you can laugh (or rage) along with me.
Saturday, day 1 of my personal hell: Thankfully it was a busy day with the kids, which involved us all going to a friend's 4 year old's bday party, where we all had a lot to eat. MIL was victorious in getting poptarts, cookies, hotdogs, chicken fingers, and two juice boxes into my 2 toddlers by 5 pm - along with the birthday cake I promised they could have at the party. By evening, my 3 year old's tummy was distended like pot-bellied pig and no one was really hungry. DH and I each went for runs though, so we started getting hungry in the evening and we got out some leftovers, which we offered to in-laws. MIL said, "i'm just having a peach." (she has some sort of anorexia that involves eating mostly Poptarts and fruit and wine.)
DH, MIL who had DD3 sitting in her lap, and I are sitting around the kitchen island at about 7 pm and she turns to me and says, "Step, do you have any cheese for me?" and I ask, "like what kind do you mean? And I look at DH, "we have some types of cheese, did you get anything new?" who went grocery shopping most recently to stock up on the requisite Poptarts. He shrugs and stays put. I get up and look in the cheese drawer while she barks at me that she wants swiss. "Oh, yes, Step, can you roll me up a piece of that? Thanks" and like the dog that I've become in my own home, I fetch her the cheese. Why didn't she ask her SON to bring her some cheese? And why didn't he jump up and get it for her? I should've asked her if she wanted the whole charcuterie plate while she was at it. Ugh.
Later that night, we're sitting around in front of the TV - my in-laws watch an enormous amount of network terrible tv and they love kibitzing over shows and bragging about their knowledge of various Hollywood actors and series plots and commercials. SO impressive! (eye roll)
MIL says, "SO I'm going to take Step's car and bring all the kids to downtown one day, and Aunt J (my DH's cousin) is going to take a day off work and come with me." She kind of looks at me. I stare at her and DH in slight shock and cringe. I should've said something cleverly snarky right then but I'm horrible at this game. 
But inside i'm thinking, "SAY WHAT? you're going to take my kids (ages almost 3 and 18 months) and my car downtown into the city and you're not going to check with me first? You're not going to find out what my schedule looks like this week? What if I don't approve, what if I need my car, who's house is this anyway? And are you going to bring the car back empty like you did last visit?" DH just sat there and she didn't elaborate. I couldn't sleep that night.
I unloaded on DH on Sunday- to his comment, "Step, are you ALREADY mad?" and told him why I am so upset- 8 days of them that he knew about and never consulted me on, MIL is so disrespectful to me, my things, my schedule, my role as mother, takes without asking but has the nerve to ask me to wait on her.... and that I'd NEVER allow my Dad to treat him this way, nor would my Dad ever think to announce that he was taking DH's car for the day just because he felt like it. He just stared at me. I mention I know that his ex was run off by MIL and that I'm not the first wife to feel walked on by her. All he said was, "I know she's crazy." I asked him to stand up for me, to be the one bossed around by MIL and to intervene when he sees her bossing me around or being ridiculous but he didn't say anything. He shrugged.
Day 3 of my personal hell: I'm slowly becoming a troll in my own home, hiding in bathrooms and the basement mostly. In-laws took my car and took the kids to the pool yesterday, of course without checking with me first. Then they came home around lunchtime and made a racket while I was working below in the office so I could barely hear my clients on the other end of the line. I snuck out the basement walkout to go for a walk when no one was looking and bitched to my sister for an hour. My FIL made dinner which was very nice but 2 hours after we usually eat, and after dinner MIL and FIL took our usual spots on the couch so that DH and I had to sit in side chairs (my parents would never do this, DH and I always sit at the head of tables/couches when they visit) while they talked about nothing again in front of the tv.
My MIL shows me a card on the end table-
"Look Step! This anniversary card for FIL and me came in the mail today! It's from Aunt S back in NYC! She sent it here instead of our house because she knows our anniversary is on Wednesday, isn't that sooo sweet?!!!" Hahahahaha- "yes, that's nice." I walk away. I can't wait to see how she reacts when she realizes we have NOTHING planned for Wednesday. Who expects other people to celebrate their anniversary for them? a private special day you share with your spouse. Why is this my problem?
They finally go to bed at 9 pm. Thank God! I think, DH and I can watch a netflix show or something. DH kisses them and goes to bed too, expecting me to follow him. Dude, I'm an adult, it's not bedtime just bc Mommy and Daddy said it is. I stayed up laughing out loud to a Louis CK comedy special until 11, but I still couldn't sleep. Got up this morning and found coffee grounds spilled in the cabinets (they moved my brand out of the way getting their special Dunkin Donuts crap and MIL's favorite tea and spilled mine in process), the "junk drawer" (office supplies etc, normally quite organized) in the kitchen totally trashed and truly junky, and chips and food scattered all over the pantry where everything is out of place. I also find out that MIL and FIL are now going to a DIFFERENT city for the day with the kids. No one bothered to inform me of this, just happened to come up in passing as I was getting coffee and asked MIL what their plans are.
I have FOUR MORE DAYS. Help.
- Steptococci's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
" "SO I'm going to take
" "SO I'm going to take Step's car and bring all the kids" - YOU should've started laughing and say - No you are not taking my car, not my kids any where. and stick to that.
Start speaking up, nothing wrong in telling MIL , NO please stop feeding my kids junk...
really speak up woman...
OMG you're right! I just
OMG you're right! I just don't play these meangirl games well, seriously.
I'm not spineless or a pleaser but tend to be a laid back person and get along with most people, and will tolerate a certain amount of bs from others, probably (obviously) too much at times. I was the type of girl who was popular in high school then for various reasons started being bullied by the most popular girl in our class and never successfully fought back. I put up with her constant name calling and gossiping and petty insults and kept to my core friend group (the ones who weren't meangirls) until I left for college, then never looked back. As an adult I would never seek out the company of a woman like my MIL.
MIL knows me as having tolerated or even seeming to be okay with, or enjoying her way of doing things for the past few years. And now that's what my DH's family expects. DH is like this too, and only recently have I started calling BS on it, so I think he's surprised that I'm so mad too. MIL can be quite superficially sweet and fun- outsiders always thing she's wonderful- brings lots of gifts for the kids and plays with them all day and they all love her and follow her around like the Pied Piper. It's okay with me if she wants to do fun stuff with the kids but ASK ME first, and show some respect as a guest.
Conveniently, my dad is in town briefly today and I need my car to go see him. So I told MIL too bad, they have to be back by 3 at the latest, so that I can leave. She was pouty and frustrated that it ruins her plans a little, but she'll deal. And she managed to mutter under her breath, "well thank you for letting me use your car."
I would not be at all
I would not be at all surprised if your MIL came back AFTER 3pm.
IMHO, you should tell her NO, she cannot take your car. They can take DH's or rent one.
If they come back after 3 I
If they come back after 3 I will completely lose it.
The thing is they're incredibly punctual people. My FIL is obsessively punctual. Since he's with them today I think he'll probably make sure they're home by 3. He is basically a very nice man. He's a pushover, and has blinders on to what an immature adolescent he's married to, but I guess he has no choice, I mean how else would they have lasted 41 years?
I'd say exactly what you've
I'd say exactly what you've said here to your MIL "I tend to be pretty laid back but in the future you need to inquire about my plans before assuming you can use my transportation, I will also need you to inquire about my plans for my children before making plans for them and check with both of their parents before taking them out of town." Remember no is a complete sentence but I usually refer to saying "no, that doesn't work for me so we need to discuss any future plans to make sure we are all the same page."
My husband does not even
My husband does not even drive my car.
Your husband has got some really rude parents.
It's time for you to
It's time for you to disengage from your MIL. This is a total crock of sh!te.
Do NOT get up and fetch her bloody cheese. I want to smack your DH in the back of the head for his NON-action.
Put your foot down and tell your MIL to stop feeding YOUR children all of that crap. YOU are their mother. If MIL cannot follow these rules, she has no business spending UNSUPERVISED time with YOUR children.
Get all of the keys for YOUR car and keep them hidden. WTH. If they need a car, they can drive your DH's.
Stop hiding!! This is YOUR home. You are not the maid. Do NOT clean up the messes. Take care of yourself and your little ones. Your DH can get off of his bloody arse and clean up after HIS damn mother.
Stop asking MIL what her
Stop asking MIL what her plans are.
Or - when she starts dictating what she's going to be doing.....
"I'm really sorry, but I had no idea you were coming for 8 days until a few days before you showed up. Unfortunately, I already had plans which include my kids and my car, and though I've already cancelled some of them based on your demands, I won't be cancelling any more of them, because it's clear you have no respect for me nor my home, and you seem to be mistaking my status as head of household as yours. If you plan on remaining her an additional 4 days, please ask me if you're planning on borrowing my car, please ask me if you'd like to take my children out, and please respect my belongings when you cram yours into my space and disorganize my kitchen. If that is too much to ask, the nearest hotel is here, I'm sure DH will be just as happy to visit with you there"
or just "Oh I'm sorry, I already have plans with the kids and I need my car. I didn't really have any notice that you would be here for 8 days, I would have kept my schedule open. Maybe you can let us know what else you have planned for the next few days so that we can figure out whether we can accommodate you?"
"please ask me if you're
"please ask me if you're planning on borrowing my car" should be "please ask if you'd like to borrow my car". }:)
OP, why is it YOUR car that is 'up for grabs'? Why isn't your DH offering up his car? Why didn't his parents rents a car??
lol, not the same thing? I'm
lol, not the same thing? I'm not following. Bad grammar?
The first one implies that
The first one implies that MIL has some control over the car in the first place. "Planning to" implies ownership. Asking is a request. I agree, it should be the latter. I have never announced that I am taking someone else's vehicle. Not ever. Not my own parents. Not my sister's or my best friend or my husband's!
gotcha
gotcha
My DH is a total enabler of
My DH is a total enabler of her crazy narcissism, and utterly spineless in her presence. He believes I'm in the wrong for not doing as they do. This is a family where "it's just how it is."
Conveniently, my DH always manages to work through his parents' entire visits. He leaves first thing in the morning so he doesn't even see them, and comes home around 5 in time to eat the dinner that they make (this is the one actually helpful thing that they do for us.) He works out of the home and I work at home. He TOLD them they can take my car. He even got the seats arranged for them this morning (popped up the back row, and put the stroller in it) before he left for work in his 7 seater car. We have the same exact size car. I paid a lot for this car. It's freaking expensive. I earn a lot of money. My DH earns more than me though so they all think everything is his.
This is how weird it is. It occurred to me yesterday that I don't have to kiss these people on the lips if I don't want to! Holy cow, what a revelation! (I'm a WASP and we are cold-ish, hugs-only type people. They are NYC Italian and kiss everyone on the lips and I find it gross and uncomfortable, but it was what I've always been expected to do with them. the only people I want to kiss are my husband and my kids. So I'm not kissing these people anymore. Boundaries. Jesus.)
So they DO have somewhat
So they DO have somewhat ownership in borrowing it...
your DH can UNTELL them... if he won't, tell them Sorry but you need your car, and it could have been arranged if you'd have been asked about it to begin with - get in, and drive off.
mouth kissing: I find it gross, too. I don't allow anyone to mouth kiss my kids - and the only person I mouth kiss is SO.
SO mouth kissed SS for a while... and when I'd turn my head or something after when he wanted to kiss me next, he asked what's wrong... I told him it grosses me out to have his mouth on mine after he's just gotten a wet mouth kiss from SS. He doesn't really do it anymore.
Also, sharing food/drinks with SS... he doesn't do it too much anymore either...ever since SS was eating cheesies out of a bag that was communal, one time... sucking on his fingers then dunking them back in the bag for more... since it was nearly empty I didn't bother saying anything... but when SO offered me one, I turned my nose up and made a disgusted face, said "are you kidding?" he asked whhaaat? what's wrong? I said "Not everyone is as interested in eating cheesies covered in your son's slobber"
SS gets a bowl, now... lol
Same with drinks - no thanks, I'm not interested in your son's backwash... ss has his own water bottle now lol
Your husband is as bad as his
Your husband is as bad as his mother. Why don't you tell him that you do not want them using your car?
I guess I'm at that point. It
I guess I'm at that point. It started awhile back when she came to town after we had our two little ones- each time she came out for over a week. She was helping with SD's school drop offs and pickups, and DH and I told her to use my car to do it, since I was home on maternity leave. It was fine with me then, especially when I was post-op and told not to drive. It also saved me having to interrupt the baby's schedule all the time to take SD places, and for that I was grateful. But really, why was I so grateful? SD isn't my responsibility in the first place. MIL was helping DH out by doing all that stuff for SD. She made it seem like I owed her the moon though.
Ever since then she thinks my car is hers. She now enters the home and expects me to hand her the keys.
I am so over her disrespect I almost want to tell DH they're not welcome here anymore if this is how she's going to act towards me. So truthfully the car is the issue, but really it's a symbol of how she behaves in my home. I do work from home and often the car is here parked in the garage.
I wouldn't mind her driving it if she were polite and respectful- but she's not. When she was here 6 months ago, she drove it repeatedly until it was empty and left it that way (never put gas in it.) She also got mad at me during that visit because I had a hair appointment on my day off, which I took my car to for the afternoon, which meant that I did SD school pickup that day, on the way home from the appointment. She thinks SD school pickup in my car is HER special time and that I ruined it for her. She shoved a cookie in my hand as I was leaving for my haircut and told me to "give it to SD. I was going to bring her a special treat today at pickup but now you'll be doing it, so be sure you give her this cookie from me." And she went off to pout. Like, don't guilt trip me for living my life, b....
Tell DH to hand over the keys
Tell DH to hand over the keys to your car. His parents can go with him when he leaves for work, drop him off, and take his car. They can pick him up from work when he's finished.
Well I knew you would say
Well I knew you would say something like that. I fully understand that I'm having trouble dealing with this. If you have anything helpful to say that isn't "you're a spineless loser with no self respect" I'd welcome it. Otherwise I'm doing fine beating myself up. Just came here to vent.
Grab your kids and your keys
Grab your kids and your keys and head to mom'@s,a friend's, hell a hotel. This is dh's problem. Stop dealing with them.
Sometimes we only figure out
Sometimes we only figure out our boundaries after someone has trampled on them. And then it feels like we already 'gave permission' for the trampling, because we didn't speak up at the time. But that's just part of the learning process.
Look at where you need to wrestle control back. They make plans with your car without asking? Say out loud next time, "Hey, I don't know if I want to lend out my car. This is about boundaries, and I don't like that you are assuming I'll do things for you without even asking."
Heck, trot that one out when they dominate the tv. "I know you like to watch your shows, but I like to watch mine too. I'm happy to share with you while you are our guest, but this is about boundaries. We need to find a way to share."
"I know you love certain foods, and we are happy to provide you with what you like while you are our guest, but this is about boundaries. Please help yourself and please clean up after yourself."
Thanks - yes this is what has
Thanks - yes this is what has happened. I'm kind of a frog in a pot with these people.
They were nice and fun at first, I was in love, and wanted them to love me too. And for the record, my family is loud and can be annoying as hell too. My parents are far from perfect. I know my mom annoys the crap out of DH so I figured DH would realize his family's shortcomings eventually as well. He's been slow to come around- he actually voiced once that he thought my family is annoying and his is perfect and fun and helpful.
My In-laws were initially SO nice to me because I wasn't BM... they hate her guts. I found out later she hated them too, ahem. My SIL can't stand MIL either, but she's been at this 18 years, and me just 4. Also my SIL went through the whole DH/BM divorce drama, and she'll openly admit she became the golden daughter-in-law after BM ran off with another man. MIL was never so grateful to have such an amazing DIL as her then. So she's been getting better treatment ever since BM left the picture and I came into it.
Basically I think MIL has a personality disorder. Sometimes people like her can suck you in.
Thanks for this advice- "Hey, I don't know if I want to lend out my car. This is about boundaries, and I don't like that you are assuming I'll do things for you without even asking." - it's actually a really good, sane sounding approach. I'm not good at snark, I'm much better at just telling people how I see things. So maybe this is how I'll approach her. I appreciate your 2c.
Heh. A beloved friend said
Heh. A beloved friend said that to me once. I was sooooo shocked and surprised. She noticed that and said, "Hey, I still love you just as much! And because I love you, I need to be honest and let you know when something isn't working."
Because I really had no idea I was trampling all over her. In hindsight, omg was I ever obnoxious and presumptive... but yeah. Learning process.
They kiss you on the lips?
They kiss you on the lips? :sick:
Please please please take your car keys and don't let them take your car anymore. If they are staying at your house rather than getting a hotel then they MUST have the $22 a day it takes to get a rental car. It doesn't matter if your car is just sitting in the driveway. It's yours and it's safe in the driveway. If they get into an accident then YOU are the one that will continue to be inconvenienced long after they are back at home. I wouldn't even want the responsibility of driving someone else's car! Your MIL sounds awful!
I'm sorry to hear you're knee
I'm sorry to hear you're knee deep in a visit from hell, steptococci.
I think it's time for the gloves to come off.
Stop catering to, fetching food for your MIL. If anything, your DH should be the one doing this.
Taking your car? No. Just no. And your kids? If these people
struggle to be self sufficient already, are you sure you can trust them with two little ones?
I don't know about you, but I'm not comfortable with my MIL (60) and FIL (70) taking my 3.5 and 2 year olds anywhere without me and/or DH.
My MIL begged to take my then 18 month old over 4 hours away for the weekend, over two years ago when our youngest was born. My answer was hell to the no. And this was the year before my pill-popping FIL got a DUI.
You make my future MIL look
You make my future MIL look pleasant. Of course I have not had her for a visit in our home yet. Next year when we get married we are taking along honeymoon and we have been discussing who will watch SS8.
I asked my SO if he would want his parents and he said sure my dad but not my mom. I found out that she usee to go through all his stuff when he lived at home because she wanted to know what he was up to. He has nothing to hide and there was nothing in his room. I get it their house they can do what they want. he went to work came home barely went out and when he was home was with his son pretty much all the time. Anyway sorry.
I would have hid my keys so they were not able to leave. I would absolutely would say something. If I am reading right they are your children you have all the right in the world to say hell no to them. No need to please them and just keep taking it. Just my opinion.
Thank you granny for sharing
Thank you granny for sharing your story! I think you understand me too well.
My dad always said about me when I was little, "she bends but doesn't break" - I am known for being accommodating, sweet, patient, flexible. I've never once in my life been described by someone as "bossy." But I have my limits.
Unfortunately you're right- it's been awhile, it's been simmering, and I've been bending but it's taking its toll. I'm trying to keep the peace and avoid a huge family blowup and avoid alienating myself from these people and from DH, at my own expense. I'm here to laugh about it and talk sh*t about her because right now, it's the best ammo I've got, and it makes me feel better.
I'm not a total pushover and I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll stand up to her, maybe I won't.
Probably I'm going to tell DH after they've left that I have strict rules for any future visits, or that I will plan not to be here for them... In the meantime I may be here, telling all of you how much my MIL sucks.
I understand that you don't
I understand that you don't want to make waves and you're trying to ride it out. I know you want them to like you. I get it. But when you can't sleep because of the way you feel (disrespected, resentful, helpless?) that's NOT RIGHT.
Here's a few simple, non-confrontational things you can do to introduce balance back in your home:
1. Take all your car keys back, hide them, and TELL DH he needs to use his car or rent them one. You don't have to have a reason- you don't have to supply any explanation at all. Just smile and change the subject.
2. Try to make sure DH is around you every time MIL is. EVERY time she asks you to fetch/make her something, say to DH "DH, your mother wants xyz" and then either walk out of the room or IGNORE her. Seriously, she can ask her son for shit or get it herself.
3. DON'T cave and make any plans for MIL's anniversary at the last minute. They don't plan yours, do they? They get around and seem to know your city just fine- make them do for themselves. And don't go- fake a headache if you have to, but make them responsible for their own entertainment.
4. Clean nothing for the rest of the time they are there. Decent houseguests ALWAYS clean up after themselves- you are not their maid! If you have a dirty towel or dish in your hand right now- put it down and walk away!
These people are REALLY taking advantage of your helpful and kind nature. They won't change until you do. Just keep smiling while you take back your life. There's a good chance if you do even some of this stuff, they won't like it, and they (your DH as well as MIL) will try to make you change back- because they LIKE having you do everything for them.
Think of this as the first step to ensuring respect for Steptococci on their next visit. I truly wish you the best of luck and remember- you owe them NO explanations.
Take your kids and your car
Take your kids and your car and leave until they leave.
Because if my MIL came to me and said she's taking my kids and my car without asking me I'd laugh and tell her to fuck off.
It's simple
NO.
That's all you need to say.
NO you are not taking my children.
NO you are not driving my car.
NO you are not welcomed here any longer then 3 days.
Since your DH has no balls-pack you and the kiddies-go spend a few days at a local hotel and get some downtime in.
No he sure isn't! I feel a
No he sure isn't! I feel a little like he's hiding behind me actually. I'm stuck in the house with them all day and he's off looking heroic working all day to support the family. (I'm working too, they just don't seem to really respect my career much.) ugh. I think if DH had my back even a little I wouldn't feel so defensive. But he really isn't willing to take sides, and yes, she's a bully- I am terrible at faking nice to people I dislike. She now can tell that I dislike her and it's making it worse. What a mess. I feel responsible for fixing things, but not if it means going back to kissing her ass and being her servant. in the future maybe it would help to make myself scarce while they're here.
Hey thanks for this. I
Hey thanks for this. I watched part of it on YouTube after you mentioned it the other day. This guy also has some other good material I found helpful.
I feel like I'm definitely part of the problem with my MIL, I'm not perfect. I wish I could handle this better and improve our relationship, but it also feels like I'm up against a family culture that doesn't welcome or consider my input, feelings or way of doing things. They treat me a bit as if I'm irrelevant or in the way. I wouldnt care too much except for the fact that they're in my home.