How do you handle signing up your skids and bios for sports and activities and make it fair?
My BS2 is finally at the age where he can start being involved in sports. We recently signed him up for gymnastics, which he loves so far and has a lot of fun.
We have skids every other week. It has ALWAYS, ALWAYS been a struggle getting BM to sign them up for things. It is a combination of irresponsibility ("Oh shoot, I missed the sign up date!) and finances ("Oh wait, I can't afford to put my kids in this $40 class because I spent all my child support money on the bar and my hair and nails and tanning and all the clothes I had to buy myself for my trip to Miami!" -- ok obviously she didn't say that but that's the jist). We have ALWAYS offered to pay for half of everything. And over the past 6 months, we have paid full prices for classes and completely taken care of everything as far as signing up/registering, etc. And by "WE" I mean ME. I seem to always be the one to orchestrate it all.
So what always happens is that the class/session is over, and registration for the next session opens up, and we ask BM what she wants to do and she puts it off. Then the day before class starts we try to get in because we found out that indeed, BM never did sign them up -and either the class is full so we can't get in, or we just pay for it and get them in and then TRY to get BM to pay us atleast back for half. Of course if the class is full, skids aren't in anything for weeks. Which is totally fine if the initial intention was to give them a break, but BM always SAYS she wants them in these things, and then doesn't do it.
Now that my BS is old enough to start being in activities, you can bet he'll always be signed up for everything we want him to be in. So now the problem we are running into is having to tell skids that they aren't signed up for the classes, but BS2 is... What do you say, without totally bashing BM?
And on the other hand, I grow resentful of the fact that I'm the one always orchestrating everything and I think to myself, if skids parents (including BM AND my husband) don't care enough to get them signed up and stuff then why am I busting my ass to do it? But of course, I do it for the kids. And part of me starts to wonder if BM just says she can't afford it now because she knows we will pay to put them in.
So do I just stop putting my hand into these things and let it go? And send my skids to DH when they have a question about why they're not in something but their little brother (my BS) is??
How do you handle activities between your bios and your skids, to create a fair environment for everyone?
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My answer to the faults of BM
My answer to the faults of BM to my SS, is that I am sorry, I am not your Mom, that has to be done by your Mom. I always repeat, that I am just the Stepmom and that usually stops the discussion. They reminded me that I am no one but the Stepmom, so I give it back to them.
I wouldn't do anything for them. That is DH and BM's responsibility. Not yours.
DH has paid for numerous
DH has paid for numerous activities and BM never took the kids so we stopped doing it. Since my son plays sports DH felt the need to put SD12 in piano lessons. HE takes her by our house when she is at our house EOW. I don't care, I don't take her, I don't pick her up. Not my problem.
We have full custody of skids
We have full custody of skids and the bio moms are completely out of the picture....so its an even bigger issue in my house.
I was my boys involved in classes and sports....and dh thinks its a waste of time and money. For years I paid for and did all the transportation for both skids to be in sports and classes. Dh didn't ever lift a finger other than to brag to family and friends (as if he had anything to do with it) The skids were very whiny about sports and constantly complained about it...and didn't try. So we dropped the sports when they were 7 and 8. I had them in swimming lessons for three...yes THREE years before they learned to swim because they just fooled around and didn't try. Told them the third year (year before last) that they'd better buckle down because this was the last round of swim lessons that they were ever going to review from me. SD did well that year and can swim well....SS can swim too but ts more of a struggle for him. They are now cut off from my time and wallet where extras are concerned. So sorry, take it up with your dad.
My son will be in swim lessons this summer and I hope to get him into a sport this year as well. The baby goes to Gymboree. Dh hasn't said anything g yet about ours sons being in classes and the skids being in nothing...but I see it come ng. Once bs3 is in either ball or soccer then he will pitch a hissy fit about his kids being left out.vmy answer will be...then go pay for them to take something and then take them. No one is stopping him.
Thanks everyone...I do take
Thanks everyone...I do take it upon myself and then feel guilty about it. But you are all right...why should I feel guilty, it should be the bio parents that feel guilty. So I think I'll just try to let it go. If DH can work it out with BM to sign them up for anything then fine, I will help out where I'm needed but it's not MY responsibility, right!
We have always paid for
We have always paid for everything for all 3 of the kids (my 2 and his 1). BM doesn't pay for shit, doesn't sign him up for shit and generally doesn't DO shit.
We just pay it. If we wait on
We just pay it. If we wait on her either SS won't get to do it or we'll have to pay an even more ridiculous amount because we didn't register and pay early. It's just not worth the hassle. DH and I take turns with the kids activities. If he's working then I take them regardless of whether it's DS or SS. If I'm working then he takes them.
I stopped worrying about whether or not things are fair though. I wanted desperately to send both boys to private school. BM has fought us so much that DH and I gave up on private school for SS. He's in advanced classes in public school so whatever. My son will go to private school. He will get the best education possible and if SS ever asks why I will tell him that it's not up to me it's up to his mom and dad and he will need to speak wih them about it. I do whatever I want for our son I do for SS when SS is with us. I don't wait for when he's there.
Is there anything in the
Is there anything in the separation/divorce or custody agreement paperwork that says what expenses are to be shared? If there is, you can send her, by certified mail, copies of receipts that show you have paid for the activities, and ask for her half. If she refuses, you can file for a "show cause" hearing, and get paid that way. This is a tough situation, because of the 50-50 sharing of custody. Is there any exchange of child support? Does she pay for anything else that is extra? Who pays medical copays? How does your DH feel about this? They are his children to raise, and really, these are his decisions to make.
For some reason they never
For some reason they never thought to include that information when they got their child custody stipulation worked out. There is absolutely nothing in it that refers to school costs or activities. They must have thought he'd be 1 year old forever.....
Also, DH DOES want skids to be in activities, but he's notoriously good at saying "Yes, let's sign them up" and then the time comes and goes as well and he doesn't get around to it. So me being the planner in our family, gets walked all over in the long run because I'm always the one reminding (*cough* nagging) to do everything.
A SP should never feel guilty
A SP should never feel guilty that the bio parents are not doing their job.
Thank you. I should print
Thank you. I should print that out and stick it on my desk monitor....
I need that pillow also!! I
I need that pillow also!!
I never sign Skids up for anything, the BM doesn't believe in spending money on her boys and wouldn't make sure they got to anything, so its a non issue.
I would like to sign them up for swim lessons for safety sake but she'd never take them on her time so it would be a waste.
I agree. This could be a
I agree. This could be a great idea. I have paid money for my kids on various Upcoming Race Events and other sports but I never tried this idea. I really love this idea. Hopefully I will implement it next time.