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The "good" stepmom in me is slipping away...

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 10:15am

This is me being honest and self-critical. And it's me being emotional and rolling with pregnancy hormones. Maybe I shouldn't even write this so that others can see it and criticize me for it...I just needed to get this out.

I'm struggling with being a step mom. It used to be that the only struggle I had with stepparenting was the fact that we have to deal with BM and her relatives. But now it's starting to trickle into my feelings for the kids and that really scares me.

I remember the days when I used to be excited to have the skids for the night. I would rather play with them than do anything else. I would buy them games that we could all play together, I would read them books, I would get on the floor with them and play gymnastics or superman. I felt so fortunate to have their love. I was fun! Now I feel like every time we have them it's this huge reminder that I'm "not the parent" and that it seems like everything I do to try to help raise them right is being combatted by the idiots in their lives (BM, BM's parents, SD's bio-dad, SD's grandma). Every time out I give to SS3 is like a knife in my side...I feel like it's a losing battle and not teaching him anything because he gets away with anything at everyone else's house (except daycare).

I feel that feeling of love for the skids slipping away. At the same time that I'm doing it to myself, it makes me sad to realize that I'm doing it. Now I consume myself with dishes and laundry and cleaning when we have the skids and I realized it's my way of disengaging from whatever they're doing, so I don't have to be involved. I'm mad at myself for doing it, but I feel like I'm so crabby with them lately that it's better for me to avoid the interaction than to expose them to my nasty attitude (that let's face it, is becoming a reaction to their nasty behaviors, that we can't seem to get control of because there's no consistency in their lives).

I'm struggling suddenly and it sucks. This used to be easy. I'm also struggling with my own feelings towards my (unborn) child. I'm so excited to have my own child and I think that's playing a big part into this. Every day -- no, every minute -- I'm thinking about this baby inside of me and I'm looking forward to having our own child to raise, without dealing with outside people having a hand in raising our kid. This is such an exciting idea to me!

I know my thinking isn't rational or fair. I want to talk about this to DF but I don't want to scare him into thinking that I've changed permanently or that I'm not the perfect stepmom that he used to love. I love my skids, but I just feel it slipping away...how do I hold onto that? And not think of the two situations (skids vs. own child) so differently? How do I keep my eye on the big picture involving our ENTIRE family, rather than being so focused on me, DF, and our child?

Comments

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 10:49am

I have been there done that.. pretty much your exact situation. when I first met hubby, I loved it when his kids came over, I was always planning things to do with them, I would sit and play video games with them for hours, took karate lessons with them, took them to play putt putt, ride my horses, bowling and a bazillion other things. Then there was a blow up with BM#1 in which BM #1 accused me of doing more things with SD12 than with her son SS11 which was soooo NOT true! (note) We usually don't have both Skids together because of different households, different schedules what have you so I would end up doing different things with different Skids, but to be perfectly honest we have SS WAY MORE than SD so I've always done MORE with HIM, because he is with us more.

At any rate, I took this as a direct hit and my ship started sinking right then and there. I was pissed at BM and hurt by SS and decided that anything I could do would never be good enough so I gradually (and I don't even think it was intentional at first) started withdrawing from the Skids. Stopped doing things with them, and basically stopped caring. This way I couldn't get hurt again. After all, nothing for either Skid or BM to get jealous of if I'm doing NOTHING with either one of them.

The nail in the coffin was when I had my son last December. I think I totally disengaged once he was born. I'm nice to the skids when they are there, but I just pretty much go about doing my own thing. If they are there on a weekend, I make it a point to pack me and my son up and we leave for the day. We shop, go visit, do whatever. I could care less if they have a relationship with their brother, I basically could care less when it comes to anything with them. In my mind we are not a family, we have two seperate families living in my house DH and Skids and DH, me and our son. DH doesn't seem to be bothered by it, so it's status quo for now.

I don't know that I've brought anything to the table here for you other than to just let you know that your feelings are "normal"? And I don't think you should have to geel guilty for wanting a "normal" family with your hubby and new baby where there isn't somebody else dictating what you can and can't do, how you should or shouldn't feel etc. you can just be yourself! Wink

we'll get criticized together! Best of luck to you!

tryingtomakeit's picture

Submitted by tryingtomakeit on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 11:07am

I stuggle with this on a daily basis. I am expecting our baby at the end of Febuary. I have a sd that is 12 and we used to have a nice relationship, but the longer I lived in the same house with her the more resentment I felt toward her.

I have realized that she runs both households. Its all about her and if she wants something she will be your bff!

recently, I tried to do something nice for my sd. redecorate her room...I blogged about it earlier. She had no interest and her father aka my husband asked her to go pick out the paint for her new room with her mother...aka the ex.

This really hurt me more than anything. I am always trying and for some reason there is this outside force that is always there. I understand she has a mother...but the mother does not live with us so the sd needs to respect whoever she is with at that time.

I personally cannot wait to my child gets here and I can focus just on him. If the sd wants to be involved she can...but I am not going to act like I need her to be or anything.

Just know you are not alone!!! we are here for ya!

SillyGilly's picture

Submitted by SillyGilly on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 12:26pm

SteppingUp,
I think you sound very rational and fair! First things first, from reading on ST and my own experience, I think everyone goes through ups and downs with their skids. I know I do! Somedays I really enjoy them and wish they were with us all the time, others I hide until they are gone. I also don't think it is the worst thing in the world for you to be excited about your own child! Sounds very natural and normal to me! There is no rule about loving skids equally or the same as bios. I think you are beating yourself up with guilt that you will feel differently about this child - of course you will! There is nothing wrong with being excited about being able to raise a child with DH without "outside" influences!! Be excited!! Stop feeling guilty! It's ok if your feelings for skids change, it happens, for better and worse. And just because they are changing negatively right now, doesn't mean they won't change again. Perhaps when the baby arrives the skids will be so excited that you will start to see new positives in them? I don't have any advice but really hope you lighten up on yourself because IMHO you seem to be having very normal feelings and there is no reason for all this guilt!! Good luck!

antidrama's picture

Submitted by antidrama on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 3:48pm

Ditto on sounding rational and fair. I feel exactly the same way....except for the baby part. My uterus is in a BABY FREE ZONE.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Tue, 10/26/2010 - 4:08pm

Thank you all so much...I seriously wanted to cry my little eyes out this morning out of these guilty feelings (okay so I still kind of want to cry, but not so badly anymore).

You know, you all pretty much hit the nail on the head, and reminded me of my own personal motto that I ALWAYS use when I'm giving my friends/family advice. Basically, I always say that every relationship has its ups and downs -- from mom/daughter, husband/wife, friend/friend -- and it's just bound to happen due to many different reasons and life changes. Just because it's down one day doesn't mean it will be down forever...

Thank you all for reminding me of my own sense and rationality in a momentary lapse...and for supporting me. I feel much better! *HUGS*!!!

coppertop39's picture

Submitted by coppertop39 on Wed, 10/27/2010 - 5:42pm

Thank you for making me realize my feelings are normal! I am pregnant with my first child, and that has definitely colored my relationship with DH and the boys. I was feeling really good about things... the 4 of us have a great relationship when BM isn't involved. We were all set to tell the boys about the new baby this weekend, until BM created her usual drama. It ended up with stress and tears on everyone's part, so once again the most important thing in my life was set aside. They are good boys, and they like me and listen to me. But every time they come to our house, I feel like I have to retrain them to use manners and clean up after themselves. I'm absolutely exhausted, and I feel myself just pulling away. I don't want it to be like that. I had hoped that they might be excited to have a new brother or sister, and that it might help bring us together as a family. I just don't know...

I really really hope it's just the hormones!