Feeling suffocated
Hi everybody,
This was supposed to be short but turned into a whole vent/ midnight realization.
Since SS4 came to live with us full time, my feelings for DH have drastically changed. We were already having problems before SS came to live with us, and when he came in our house all our problems intensified. I'm 22 and DH is 24.
When I first met him we were just friends and I knew he had a son, but we were not living together or anything. So living with SS is still new to me. I'm a generous person, but selfish when it comes to "me time": I like taking care of myself, going on long walks, dance, bake, party from time to time, going shopping etc. I like my "freedom". (I have responsibility too, of course!) Having SS here means giving up on almost all of those things I like. He constantly follows me or cries to get my attention, and even when DH comes home and I try to have some time for myself I'm basically secluded in my bedroom and I still hear SS screaming next door.
My biggest problem, other than feeling like a prisoner in my own house, is my feelings for SS. I feel terrible about it, I really do. Logically I know he's only 4, he's just a kid who needs love. But for some reason I can't feel what I would like to feel for him. I don't feel maternal at all. If he falls and cries, I don't run to him trying to comfort him. He always tries to kiss me, hug me or he put his hand behind my back looking at me and caressing my hair and I get so weirded out. I get uncomfortable...DH keeps trying to tell me to say "I love you" more to SS, but I always feel forced to say it. I feel relieved when I'm out of the house. When he does something new or say something, my DH gets all excited, while I'm... indifferent. And I hate feeling like this, because I know SS deserves love. And I know he loves me, so why can't I feel the same? Sometimes I really force myself to be happy so that SS can be happy. He's a very happy child and he needs to play and laugh like a child. I don't want him to turn bitter and unstable like BM. No child deserves that. But all this and my problems with DH are going to the point where even my relationship with DH feels... indifferent.
I had a conversation with DH the other night, where I told him that I am not sure about my feelings for him anymore. I do care about him, but I don't think it's enough. He told me that he wants to make this work and he will do everything in his power, even if I'm not on board with it.
I just have negative feelings towards all this. Every morning I wake up and I have that feeling that I am doing something that doesn't align with who I am and who I wish to become....I look at DH and I just don't think we are right for each other. I just feel trapped... But what if I'm wrong? I've never been married before and always had short relationships before, so I don't know if it's normal for me to feel this way or if maybe it's not really meant to be.
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Comments
Listen to your gut. Trust
Listen to your gut. Trust yourself. You are very young- too young to waste your youth and life on someone else's kid! If you were my daughter, I would tell you to run lithe wind and never look back! You have your whole life ahead of you! Go enjoy it!
Can you remind me why you got
Can you remind me why you got married so young? Gone are the days that 22-year-old women are expected to "find a man" and become a wife and mother.
There is nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake, or the circumstances have changed and you aren't on board for it. Seems like your DH wants you to be a replacement mother, and that's a lot to ask.
If you want to try longer, make sure your DH gets his son evaluated by professionals for trauma and developmental issues, and works on his own parenting and his bond with his son. Meanwhile, you feel free to go do your own thing.
I think you need to ask
I think you need to ask yourself why you married someone who had a life that didn't align with your goals/wants. Then, I think you need to ask yourself if who you are now is who you'll be in 5 years, and if you see yourself being different, if what you have now will more align with that picture of yourself.
You're young with a lot of "young person" desires. Those desires seem to be at odds with being married, and definitely with being a stepparent. But are they long term? Your DH stepping up to find babysitters and stepping in to take care of his child so you don't have to and doing the heavy-lifting parenting could change your perception and make this easier.
If you think leaving is the best option, then do it. However, ask yourself how you got to this place. Mathematically, it seems you and your DH have been together less than 5 years. You got together, I would assume, either in high school or shortly thereafter. You went from being a kid to taking care of someone else's kid. Why? What made you think it was a good idea? That's not me berating you - that's an actual question you need to figure out the answer to so you can learn from this experience and decide if being a SM is not what you want at all or if it's not what you want right now.
I got married at 22 to my high school sweetheart. We were divorced by 25. I hold no judgment against anyone who married young and divorces young realizing they made a mistake. But it is a learning opportunity. You also have the benefit of being in a position where you don't have to make a decision tomorrow. You can think this through, think about where you see yourself in 5 years, figure out if you really want the lifestyle you think you do or if you just don't want to do what you're currently doing. I felt like I missed out on the fun of my early 20s, but when I went to relive what people thought was "fun", I realized that wasn't me but neither was my marriage.
So ask yourself a lot of questions. Ask yourself if you love your husband enough that you don't want to lose it and if there are enoug accommodations to get you through the preschool/early childhood years. Ask why you went into this type of relationship. Ask where you want to be in five years and if your DH is who you'd want to be with. Think beyond how you feel now, because in your situation, now can be fixed to some extent. You have to look at this long-term and in depth.
A mistake
I got married at 20 because I was fantasizing too much. I love the idea of marriage, I still do. But I didn't know anything about stepparenting. Funny because I grew up with a stepmother who I love so much and we have a mother/daughter relationship, I always tell her that she's my second mom and our bond is extremely strong. I guess I thought I could be the best stepmom too, and that it would be like having a child of my own. I was so wrong. SS didn't live with us for a year and a half after me and DH got married, so I never fully experienced the whole stepparenting before we got married. When I ask my stepmom how did she do that, she always tell me that she wasn't 20 when she got married, my bio mom was always polite and she had an immense love for my dad, and for us. I thought I could be the same way.
I blame myself for getting married because I was not ready to be a wife, especially his wife, and I'm definitely not ready to be a stepmother. I don't want to be a stepmother at 22. I know marriage is not perfect, but this is not the marriage I wish I had, or even the family I wish I had. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I just wake up in the morning wishing that I was single, discovering myself without having to deal with all of this. I know I can go if I want to, I don't have any financial ties to my DH, or kids. And I told DH that I want to go, but he keeps saying that he wants to fight for us, even if he's the only one doing so. Part of me thinks that if I got married quickly and it was a mistake, leaving so quickly might be a mistake too. But the other part of me can't wait to leave this marriage.
I really don't know what to do.
Your boyfriend forces you to say i love you
To "his kid" which is out of line and selfish. Love is something gained over time and its a fantasy for bioparents to expect a stepparent love their kid like their own.
you don't have maternal feelings towards him because you weren't pregnant with him, he wasn't a kid you went through an adoption process for, he was the package that came with your boyfriend.
you don't want anything to do with ss because at your age you aren't at that stage of life of wanting kids just yet or the baggage and responsibility and f other peoples kids which shouldn't be thrown at you, this relationship isn't for you. I think what you want is to build a family with a man from scratch, not be thrown into the chaos of one day suddenly being forced to help raise another man's kid
It's interesting to me that
It's interesting to me that adoptive parents don't have the issues stepparents have, at least not usually. That makes me think it's other things besides biology that make it so hard. BMs, pressure to be maternal and do the work and have the love but also not "overstep", society's bias against stepparents, to name a few. Also, meeting the kids at a much older age and also maybe the kids feeling pressured by the other bioparent to not bond with the stepparent may affect their actions amd make them less "likeable", maybe? Also possibly the fact that a stepparent is usually entering a situation with a lot of existing dysfunction.
Kids who are adopted when
Kids who are adopted when they are older often have lots of adjustment issues.
That suggests age at meeting
That suggests age at meeting is part of it.
Part, but what the others
Part, but what the others said is true as well - stepparents aren't the primary caregivers and often the other bio parent is still around.
I also know of adults and teenagers meeting a stepparent
And thriving in that role. But the bio parent actually parented them and these kids appreciated stepparent love and devotion to their bio parent. It can work. Dysfunction and lact of parenting, respect and boundaries are the issues
Agree with tog and Tried Out.
Agree with tog and Tried Out. Additionally, if you adopt, you are THE parent. You have the legal and moral responsibility and privilege to raise your child as you see fit. As a stepparent, you don't generally have that level of authority. While you may be able to dictate behavior in your own home or in your care, you can't make decisions about morals, education, religion, medical care, etc. Stepparents are far more akin to aunts/uncles or grandparents in their level of authority and influence, whereas adoptive parents are parents.
Yeah. I guess what i'm trying
Yeah. I guess what i'm trying to address is that OP sounds like she is trying to force something that isn't there (a true mother/child relationship), and her DH is trying even harder to force it. But it's not the same.
Dealing with a dysfunctional situation had me questioning my whole "parent" existence. I always thought i was great with kids but apparently not in every situation! There are so many things in the way. OP's DH's seemingly unrealistic expectations can't help.
You mentioned it's like an aunt/uncle or grandparent situation, but to me it seems like a job. Some jobs are a great fit and you love them (and your coworkers are like family), and some are a nightmare. When there's a "vacancy" in the mom role, there's always a reason or reasons, just like with a job. There are so many things that play into whether you will be successful.