Saying "I love you" back?
Hello everybody,
I need a quick advice and this is the best website where I can ask these types of questions.
I have tried to find other blogs about it, but majority of those who had toddlers stepchildren "loved them" from the beginning...
SS4 is very affectionate towards me, which is pretty good, I think it's a good! I've never been super affectionate towards him, I don't know why. I just never felt any type of special love towards him. He's a very sweet kid, and many times I really do enjoy my time with him, I like him and I care for him, but I'm not sure that I "love him". He keeps hugging me and kissing me, or telling me that he loves me, and I just say "love you too". I just feel so fake when I say that, because I know kids should be loved but I can't bring myself to love him. It's not easy for me to say I love you, in general. I know he's just a toddler and he doesn't know much but I wonder if I should just keep telling him I love him too even if I'm not sure about it, or telling him something else...?
I truly feel bad about it, and I force myself everyday to try to love him, but all I end up with is that I care for him, andn nothing more...
I ended up having a conversation about it with DH, because he asked me if I loved him, and I stayed quiet. I told him I really care about him, but love is not there yet. He got a bit mad because he told me that SS loves me and I've been in his life long enough to love him. He also told me at least I should feel the same type of love for SS as I have for my nephews but I really don't feel that way...
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Comments
Pressuring a person to love
Pressuring a person to love someone is a sure way of guaranteeing that will never happen. Your DH sound like he needs to get his head and his expectations screwed on straight. I'm sure you're not responsible for your nephews, nor were you expected to love them as much as their parents and made to feel guilty if you didnt. Which allowed you to enjoy your time with them and gradually love them as your nephews. I'm sure if you were allowed to have a stress and pressure free relationship with SS as you do with your nephews you would love him in a similar way.
Have you and DH considered family counselling? He needs a reset on boundaries and expectations in blended family environments. From reading your other posts it seems like he expects any partner of his to automatically take on his parenting duties because "you knew he had a son".
He won't go to counseling
He won't go to counseling with me. I tried to ask him to do, but nothing. He's starting to become a bit more understanding, and I completely disengaged from the parental duties. SS will leave in a month and we don't know when he will come back yet, but if DH tells me that SS is coming back with us in a few months, I will force him to go to counseling because he needs to understand my point of view too.
I would make it an ultimatum
I would make it an ultimatum asap. This would be my hill to die on. There's no point making a plan for a possible counselling session some time in the distant future not knowing if your DH would even agree to attend. What if months and months later you're told to roll out the mat because SS is coming home and no, your DH doesn't think he needs to attend counselling because nothing is wrong? There goes a few months down the drain. What's wrong with getting your relationship in a healthier place so if/when SS returns you're all on the same page with expectations?
I don't use ultimatums lightly but your SS is still young and the thought of being in that dynamic for over a decade is a sure relationship killer.
I've been in my SS21's life
I've been in my SS21's life for 11 years - I don't love him and doubt I ever will. Thankfully he doesn't seem to love me either, though he liked me a lot when he was younger. Your DH wants you to be a replacement mother and he needs to get over that. He's getting mad at you for not loving his kid? As if you have control over that?
I too would suggest couples counseling. If he won't go, go alone.
Woud it keep the pressure off
Woud it keep the pressure off of you if you could respond to SS in an honest way? Something like, "You sure are a sweet kid, SS." or "I love those cute dimples when you smile." Are there some things you could say that would be an honest yet positive response?
That's a very good advice!
That's a very good advice!
I hate saying "I love you" without meaning it, doesn't mean if it's a kid. I will definitely start answering something nice!
Please your DH needs to learn
Please your DH needs to learn a book on love. Saying I love you is easy and can be empty. Next time he throws the "you don't love my kid" remind him the things you do for him and his child are done out of love, or caring, or compassion...so you may not word vomit love all over him and his child, but you damn well show it and if he can't realize that then he's not worthy of your love.
I met my sd when she was 3 or
I met my sd when she was 3 or 4. She would tell me that she loved me. I did not love her at that time and would avoid replying. My husband asked me to reply that I loved her even if I did not so that she did not feel rejected. He was not angry or upset that I did not love her. I felt uncomfortable doing it, but I agreed to. After a while I did start to love her. I can't remember how long it took.
That's exactly what my DH
That's exactly what my DH does.
If SS tells me he loves me, and I stay quiet, my DH will tell me to say it back. And I hate when he does that. And something I change subject and DH keeps asking me why I didn't say I love you back.
I just wish he could stop!
My skids were older 12,11,8
My skids were older 12,11,8 when I met SO so I don't have any experience with toddler skids.
I personally I'm not an "I love you" type. Skids don't tell me they love me nor do I tell them. SO never pressured any of that on skids or me.
Do I love skids.. I could say I do for SS16 and SD14 but, not to the depth as a parent. I care about their well being and want the best for them. SS17 a whole other topic.. I don't even like him and will never "love" him. That's the reality of my situation and SO knows this it doesn't expect me to feel differently.
Your DH needs to understand SS isn't your child and you won't ever have the same feelings as him.
SS9 says he loves me all the
SS9 says he loves me all the time since i know him. I don't "LOVE" him, i care for him, i have tenderness for him but not love.
However, i noticed he says that to everyone he knows a bit (parents & sister of his step-father, boyfriend of SIL etc.).
I'm not a "love you" person, i don't even say that to my own mother or father (althrough i feel it).
However i learned to keep pease and say love you back. Cause i know it doesn't mean deeply mean anything
Your DH has some seriously
Your DH has some seriously unrealistic expectations. "Love him!! I said, love him damn it! You're a bad person for not loving him just like i do. If you don't, you'll be sorry!"
Yeah, that really gets the warm fuzzy feelings flowing.