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Anyone have an SO with a very heavy work schedule? How do you deal?

SteppingUp's picture

I'm 30 weeks pregnant right now and feeling stressed and overwhelmed about everything, so I'm trying to determine whether it's the hormones or something real I can change. DH and I have BS3 together and then every other week we have his kids (7 and 9). DH works straight commission sales, so he works many more hours than he is scheduled to work for fear of losing a sale, or his day is based on appointments that are sometimes really long. I know he's a very hard worker and I feel bad making him feel guilty at all, because I know that he'd much rather be at home than at work. But there at least two nights a week where he is scheduled to work until 8pm, and then there are other nights where he is stuck with a customer so he is forced to work later than 6, too.

This means that no matter what, every week day, I'm always the one who picks up the kids from daycare/after school care, does the dinner/homework thing, bathing, chores, etc. Of course, on the off weeks when all I have is my son, it's not a daunting task. But when you add two more to the mix (and soon to be 3 more), basically I feel like I get to do all the NOT FUN parenting stuff. Then DH gets to come home, often just in time for the fun part -- going to bed and reading books and snuggling with the kids and they're all happy to see him of course! He hasn't had to be the bad guy whatsoever (besides the fact that he's not there).

I'm growing frustrated and feel like maybe I should suggest a new visitation that works around his scheduled work time (even though that isn't always the case). With another baby on the way, I think it might be the only method to keep my own sanity! BM has been rather flexible in the past with things like this....BUT I also know that it's going to reflect on me directly. I'm afraid it will make me look like I don't want the kids, or I simply "can't handle it" or just in general that I'm the bad guy here. In reality, I DO want it to be easier for myself but I also find it silly that we have the skids so often and DH isn't even here for it.

DH also is required to work every single Saturday. He misses out on an entire day spent with his kids (both skids and ours together, every single week!). Again, I know this makes him sad, too -- and I feel bad for both him and the kids that they don't get to have that time together.

What would you do in this situation? Try to work out a different schedule that will be confusing for the kids or just suck it up and stick to the every other week schedule for consistency, even though the kids aren't necessarily seeing their father as much as they could be?


Nette5's picture

They are seeing him more than if they were EOWe. I know it's hard & feels like it will never end. My situation for 4 years: DH working Tues-Sat, 10:30a-7:30p (if he got off on time)... SS14-18 yrs old, 24/7, & I was legally unable to leave SS home alone with my BS7-11 yrs old. DH's schedule & the rules with the kids meant I couldn't work outside the home (limited hours available means no work options available). I did end up going to school & will graduate in May which means our poverty will end... same as having to have the skids at home... it all ends!

A question to ponder: if he had less time seeing them, would he be having to work more to pay CS, thus seeing even less of everyone?

hereiam's picture

I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking for a visitation schedule that works
around your DH's work schedule. You are raising his kids when they are there, not him, and he's their father. The burden should not be on you.

They have a mother and that's who they should be with if DH has to work so much.

Onefootout's picture

I think you articulated your feelings very well in your post. Maybe you could just have your DH read it. See how he responds and then if you need to you can come back here for more feedback.

What you are saying is very reasonable. If the status quo is maintained, then it's pretty clear the relationship between you two could be hurt. It would be worth rethinking the visitation schedule so that he could have the kids on the nights that he doesn't have to work late.

If your DH needs reassurance, there are lots of women on this site who understand the difference between being left alone with their own kids and then with someone else's kids. It's nothing against the kids necessarily.

Sports Fan's picture

If his work schedule is always going to be this way, you should discuss a change. Once the baby comes, you are going to become even more frustrated with this situation. It could cause resentment and a our kids versus his kids situation. A baby will take more effort and if you are already feeling this way, it will most likely get worse.

Unless it is to reduce child support, I don't understand why the visitation is set where you have the skids when their father is working so much.

z3girl's picture

I agree with Sports Fan.

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with our third child. We have DS3 and DS2. DH works LONG hours. Actually, he works "normal" hours, but the commute takes him close to 2 hours one way. He leaves at 6:50 am and doesn't get home until 7:30 at the earliest, sometimes close to 9:00 if he misses the earlier train. SD isn't an issue because she's grown up, but it is exhausting having everything on me, and once the baby comes, I will need him to help with our toddlers at night. (One wakes up every night wanting to sleep next to me, either his bed or ours.) I see a few rough months in our future!