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SD's latest

stepper47's picture

Sometimes I will go back and read some of my past entries when I am feeling bad for not wanting to be involved with SD, so I thought I would add this for my future self.   SD18 is a freshman at a school around 90 minutes away.   She has been communicating with DH quite a bit, there was a period of time she called him multiple times a day for advice or to talk about herself.  She seems to be doing well in school and getting involved in some things to help her along a career path.  She is also not getting along with her dorm roommate.  The roommate is from our area, and they met before going away.  All seemed good, SD liked her, and it sounded like this girl may be a little shy.  SD seemed positive about her, until a few days into being at school the roommate made a comment about being best friends.  I think that flipped SD's switch and made her start looking for things to be wrong.  From what I have heard through DH, the roommate has made some comments here and there that SD takes as being mean, which maybe could be true, but I am guessing maybe this girl has said things trying to be funny or possibly in reaction to SD not being nice - of course I am not there and I don't know this girl (or SD, really), so I really have no idea.  But looking at the history of SD with people who say things she doesn't like or want to hear (me, coaches, teachers, unacceptable peers, etc), it always seems like she is the victim and whoever is the bad person of the moment is evil.  

She has complained to DH several times about this girl, but last week she called him at work sobbing, begging him to help her get her dorm reassigned (even calling him Daddy, which she never does, most of the time she calls him by his first name) because her roommate is just so mean.    She had talked to the floor advisor, who wanted to meet with her and her roommate the next day, but SD didn't want to do that, she just wanted out.  She was extremely upset and making unhealthy comments. DH said he told her she needed to meet with them, and also with a counselor, and maybe right now is not a good time for school, sounds like she is really struggling and it is ok to take some time and come home.  She said she loves school, it's just her roommate and that she doesn't have a "safe space" in her room.    He told her he would call and talk to someone at the school if she really wanted him to, she just needed to get him a name and number. 

He came home really distraught, which I understand, no one wants to hear their kids in pain and saying some of the things that she was.    But the more we talked about it, it just didn't seem to add up.  I suggested he call her mom, as this is the sort of thing parents should talk about, so he did.  Her mom was basically saying the same things as SD, the roommate is awful and poor SD.   She didn't really have anything helpful to say and DH hung up frustrated.   He tried to call SD the next day and texted several times over the weekend, she never provided him with the info and actually didn't respond at all.  Until 4 days later when she texted to ask if he had a leather jacket she could borrow.....

Which, he did have one from when he was younger, so she said she was in town and asked if she could stop by to get it.  She came over, and I came out to say hi how are you, then retreated to another room bc I was busy, and to let them talk.  He said he asked her why she hadn't responded to him, and if she understood how that makes him feel, and she just brushed it off saying she had been sick, and had actually been home for a few days.  He told her that really upset him because he was worried, she should have let him know.  I don't know if she met with the rooommate or anything like that, he said she mostly wanted to talk about the jacket and her Christmss list. Which, shame on him for not forcing the conversation, but that's nothing new.   Makes me wonder what is really going on...I hate to be suspicious, but at her age my dad was the last person I would call with roommate problems.  And I certainly wouldn't ghost him after crying all over him and begging for help.  And then show up a few days later when I never visit, asking for a random item. She has done that before too, ghosted him for weeks and then pops up asking for a folding chair or something weird.    I feel like this is seeds being planted for something else.  Or maybe it was a  major depressive episode, she has seen counselors over the years and I think is on medication, but with it seeming to be centered around her roommate and nothing else,  that doesn't seem like the case.  

I see it as a  reminder that disengaging is the right thing for me.  I hate to see my DH hurt, but the best I can do for him is stay neutral so he can talk about it, there's nothing about this situation I can fix, and it has nothing to do with me.   We have not made any plans for the upcoming holiday next week, and I am just laying low, hoping DH doesn't decide he wants to follow through with his plan to try to have a dinner here and invite the kids.   They all have other places to be, and I am just not feeling it this year

Comments

JRI's picture

I hear you, I have an unstable SD60, too.  Your blog brought back many memories of my poor SD who has always been victimized by teachers, friends, husbands, bosses, the police, banks, the government, landlords, etc.  My husband has to hear it, too.  Like you, I try not to comment.  The weird thing is, she will call with some complex, dramatic story, like the roommate saga you heard.  DH will tell me about it and we will ruminate about it for several days.  Next time we hear from her expecting an update, she's on to a new complex, dramatic story.  Sigh....

paul_in_utah's picture

Oh yeah, I hear that.  My Significant Other Daughter (aka "SOD") is like that.  Everyone is out to get her - teachers, bosses, co-workers, friends, etc.  And, at various times, Big Bad Paul in Utah.  lol

tog redux's picture

This is why you don't jump in to rescue this type of kid. They need to solve their own problems. Your DH needs to learn not to react so strongly to his daughter's distress, since it sounds like this happens all the time. She figured it out, now he knows she's capable. 

notarelative's picture

DH (and SD) need to realize that SD is 18, a legal adult. She can ask DH for advice, but it is up to her to fix her problems. The school is not going to entertain a roommate change request from DH. The floor advisor is not empowered to change roommates without trying to resolve the situation. There are not usually extra rooms to move disgruntled roommates to. Plus my guess is tha SD does not want to be the one to move.

DH needs to realize that lots of kids get roommates they are not thrilled about. They find a way to adjust and deal with it. 

paul_in_utah's picture

I totally get what you are saying.  Unfortunately, SO is a Titanic Covert Narcissist, and view her children as mere extensions of her own ego.  Therefore, she get s VERY involved in her children's problems, since she views them as her own problems.  She's always bailing them out and solving their problems for them.

caninelover's picture

SD24 Bratty McBratFace was (is) the same.  One day, the sky is falling and she is the poor victim.  The next day it's like the prior day never happened.

And SO doesn't force conversations with her either so she's never held accountable for her words and behavior.

Staying disengaged is good.  The drama will continue through college, probably.

SeeYouNever's picture

Some kids do adjust poorly to going away to college, I wonder what the real situation is though. Once SD14 was whining to DH about being bullied but then later heard from the school that SHE was the bully. 

I have said before this is a manipulative technique called "fear(or anxiety) then releif." She makes DH worry about her then shows up with a request. DH will be relieved that she is doing better and more willing to indulge the request. This combines another technique where you start with a small request and then a person is more likely to agree to a larger one. 

Its not like she is a mastermind planning this out, she just learned over the years that DADDEEE will do whatever she wants to make her happy. 

Merry's picture

Your DH's role in this is to guide SD to find appropriate university resources. He has no power to get her room changed. This is a common situation, and the school will have standard procedures to follow. The dorm advisor is the first stop. "Daddy, fix it" isn't going to work here.

It's a growing up day for SD as she learns how to handle her own problems. And DH needs to reinforce that.