Loving your kids.. doesn't mean you are an effective parent.  By the timing of your relationship.. he could not possibly have been "parenting" on his own for very long.. his youngest was only 18 months old...assuming he and his ex were still together when the child was born.  So.. what most likely happened.. you saw this guy.. he appeared to be close enough to what you wanted.. and.. well.. he only had his kids every other weekend.. so you saw him care for them a bit (aka keep them alive).. for super limited time.  And.. probably.. like so many women.. (including me.. it's what we tend to do).. you probably kind of showed off your "woman skills".. you helped him with his kids.. cooked him meals.. helped in other "wife auditioning" ways. 

So.. there he is a freshly "single father" eowe.. and you fix that for him.. step in and parent his kids for him.. you even take on some burden from his ex who doesn't drive.. and he gets to go out of town all week.. while you wait for those couple of days a month you get to spend with him.. but because he is a dude.. he has shoveled off that womins work on  you.

And.. his ex (who has most of the custody) doesn't sound super responsible.. no driving.. kid who seems kind of delayed... and neither of the PARENTS of that little boy are concerned he isn't at age level.

You can't care more than the parents.. in fact.. you probably really should do some soul searching to see what YOU are getting out of this relationship with a mostly absent partner.

You sound like a very kind and caring person.  Please don't be offended by this comment but I feel like you are being taken advantage of by the parents of these children.  These aren't your children, no matter if you are married to their dad or not.  You shouldn't be managing any of this mess, their parents should be.  I agree with Esmod's comment, "you can't care more than the parents."  I think it is unfair that your husband basically dumped his parental responsibilities on to you and the BM doesn't seem interested in parenting either.  Shameful.

I also agree with Esmod's post and think you should do some serious thinking about what exactly you are getting out of this relationship.  Even if the 4 year old gets help and changes, you have a long haul in front of you and who knows what these kids will be like as teenagers.  One thing as a former stepparent I can tell you, they will never view you as a parent.  It stings, but it's the honest truth.

I applaud you for arguing with him about how he puts all the responsibility on you.  Stand up for yourself.  As far as his promises for change, I wouldn't buy in to that.  Sometimes promises are made from time to time just to keep a person hanging on. Think about what he stands to lose if you walk away - it's no wonder he is making promises so that you will stay.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted. 

There is only a a BM , getter hurt, in a accident , sick, dieding ,,,, finding a Boy toy ,,,,for you to get the kids full time.

34/7/365. Unless you are ready to do that. This is not the man for you   This EOW May not last it can change 

Have you considered this just isn't the relationship for you? 

Love is not enough. It sucks but it's just not.

This child is 4. Can you deal with this for MORE THAN 14 more years (it won't magically stop at 18)? What if bm decides she doesn't want to retain majority custody? What if something happens to bm and she CAN'T retain majority custody?

Do you want children of your own? Do you want to raise your future child(ren) alongside this one? If you do not want kids... do you really want to deal with someone elses poorly behaved kid? If you don't want kids, do you really want to give up the kid-free lifestyle/finances? 

It doesn't sound like EITHER of his parents are (or will be) doing much to help this child... and, how long are you going to WASTE YOUR LIFE while they are doing nothing? 

Eh, that might all sound harsh... but sometimes reality is just that. Sometimes is now for you, unfortunately. 

You really need to decide what YOU want the rest of your life to be and make decision based on YOU. Don't waste more of your life than you already (potentially) have. Either this is what you want, or it's not. You are young...don't let time slip by waiting for other people to change how they parent - because they likely won't. 

Your partner says YOU are the problem? You know that's messed up, right? While we all have things we can improve upon, I assure you that YOU are not the problem.

Here's what I'd do. Take some time to decide what you can and can't live with. And what you're willing to work through IF your BF takes action with his son.

Stop being the de facto driver for the BM. That she doesn't drive is no longer your problem. Insist that the son be evaluated for his speech and attention seeking behavior, and get help with parenting strategies (that's on your SO).

If your SO won't do those things, or gives up quickly, then you know that he is a lazy parent. Won't do the work to help his own child. Won't do the work to support your needs. The son won't magically get better, and imagine the attention seeking antics of a teenager. 

It would be disappointing to learn that the relationship you thought was so great really isn't. But knowing the truth is better than hanging on to romantic dust. 

Your last sentence is very telling because it seems like you're still blaming yourself for not doing enough to make this better.

The actual answer here is to do LESS. Stop answering BM's calls. Stop picking up the kids for her. When it's her custody time, SHE needs to figure it out. If she can't, then she can contact your SO and HE can figure it out. If he calls you asking you to handle it, you tell him no.

I know that feels bad to do, but by stepping up you're allowing him to stand down. You're allowing his parenting muscles to atrophy. I don't mean this in a mean way when I say you aren't a parent - but you aren't a parent. You haven't procreated yet for your own reasons. You've made the decision to not have children yet, not to have children with someone who can't parent, etc. He did, though, and there are rights, responsibilities, and consewuences for those choices on HIS part.

On weekends, HE needs to take on the parenting load. He isn't working 24 hours a day all week. He can easily put together a grocery list and even order for pick-up on his way home. He can bathe his son, help the oldest with homework, etc. He can call up a therapist or doctor's office to schedule a Saturday visit for SS. He can find flash cards and learning systems to help SS with his speaking. He can read parenting books and figure out how to help his son.

BUT - big BUT here - YOU have to step out of the line of fire with SS and let your SO feel the full effects of his son's misbehavior. Every time SS behaves poorly, you don't dish out consewuences - you tell your SO. Everytime SS doesn't behave in public and your SO doesn't do anything about it, you take an Uber home or go off by yourself. You start refusing to do things "as a family" until your SO steps up for SS.

You may be thinking "but that will just upset SO and may end my relationship". It most certainly might, but that's not a bad thing in this scenario. You SHOULD NOT bend yourself into a pretzel to fit the dysfunction that your SO allows. It is NOT your job to conform to an unhealthy dynamic in order to keep a partner and allow him to continue to neglect his son's needs. If you forcing your SO to parent ends your relationship, then it wasn't a good relationship no matter how much love you have for your SO.

Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of crap behavior.

TIme for daddy, and any other adult acting inloco parentis to smack some ill behaved spawn ass, march it to an isolated corner, plant the nose in the corner, and it remains there until someone remembers to go get it out of the corner.

smh

Whatever  you do, do not procreate with this failed parent.

Protect your gene pool!!!

Just chiming in on one aspect of your post.  My GDnow30 had speech problems, too (speech apraxia), and also behavior issues.  It was so bad I thought she had autism.  Speech therapy was magic.  As she was better able to express herself, the behavior issues stopped.  Her speech is still not perfect though she had therapy for about 15 years but she's expressive and functioning in the adult world.

Another issue is that speech probs affected how she experienced school.  She often felt like "the dumb kid" in her class.  I could tell it hurt her but on the other hand, she's become an exceptionally empathetic person.

It's vital that dad take his son to speech therapy asap.  His future life will be 1,000 times better if he gets that therapy.

 I agree, you're doing far too much for your bf and his BM. You're actually interfering with lessons they need to learn as single parents. Stop being a crutch for either or them. Those people pleasing tendencies need to be addressed ASAP.

The way a breakup works best is, each newly single parent goes solo for a while. It takes time to become an individual again - to process what happened and why, acknowledge their own mistakes, learn how to do better, and get into the routine of being a single parent. They need to develop the parenting muscles necessary to properly care for their kids, create an effective coparenting relationship, and ensure the kids are adjusting well. 

Well, your guy cheated. He didn't put in the work required to be an effective single parent. He's got the minimum amount of custody possible - eight days per month - and promptly got a too-kind new girlfriend to take over some of his duties. One of his kids has special needs, and he's done nothing about it. Does this sound like a good parent to you?

I was once where you're at. You've had a great courtship so far, so you moved in together. The eight days per month you get together are great - lots of fun, romance, great sex, you love being together. His kids aren't around that much, but even so, you have valid concerns. It feels ... off somehow. Because it is. This is not functional or sustainable. You never got the chance to vet the dynamic as a whole because he isn't an involved parent, and his work schedule prevents you from seeing, really SEEING the whole man. And that is going to bite you in the behind - if you let it.

These kids are AWFUL now, and they're going to get much worse because BM is overwhelmed and BD is absent. BM is going to snap and dump them on their dad at some point - and then he'll try to dump them on you. Is that the life you want? Pouring money, time and effort into raising someone else's semi ferals? Fun bfs don't always have the right stuff to be viable life partners, so please put up some boundaries, double up on birth control, and think critically about your situation.