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6 year old boy hates me

gemmapink2014's picture

I really could use some advise! me and my partner have only been together for 9 months, I have 3 children, and so does he. my three and two of his are absoloutley fine. have taken to us being together and the other kids with no problem. but there is a huge issue with his 6 year old son. he is so jealous, he hates me being with his dad. he thinks that his dad sees my kids more than he sees him (which he doesn't, he doesn't live with me and he comes round at night) we spend a day on the weekends he has the kids together, we took all the kids away together a couple of months back, but my partner always makes sure he spends at least one day at the weekends with just his kids. the 6 year old says some very nasty things. he tried to upset my 6 year old by saying he was going to stab out cat, he told me he wanted my three year old to choke, when I tell him that it's not nice to say things like that he tells me he doesn't care what I think because I'm not his family. my partners ex doesn't help the situation. they have been split up for three years now and she feeds the kids lies. she tells the kids that daddy spends his money on his new family (he doesn't) that daddy sees my kids all the time (he doesn't) me and my partner went away for a weekend a few weeks ago, just the two of us, on a weekend he wasn't supposed to have the kids, she found out an decided to tell the kids me and him had taken my kids away. we hadn't. i
the boy has done this to my partner before, he pushed my partners last girlfriend away by being downright nasty and rude and my partner is so stressed because he doesn't want to go through that again which I understand, but it's now put a huge strain on out relationship. my partner is basically controlled by this child. the child
told my partner yesterday that he is "not allowed a girlfriend" so I'm not sure if it's actually me he hates or the idea of his dad being with someone. his mum has a boyfriend, they live together and have a one year old together but the 6 year old doesn't give her and her partner any of the trouble we get.
I have asked my partner a few times to speak to his son about the way he is to me, my partner speaks to him, he's ok for a few hours then goes straight back to being nasty! he tells me to
sshh when I speak to him, he tells me he doesn't care about me, he tells me I can't tell him when he's been naughty, the list of things goes on!! my partner is so scared of upsetting his son that he doesn't seem to want to deal with him. he can be a lovely boy, it's just not often! I know it doesn't sound like it but I
love this kid unconditionally, it kills me to know he hates me so much. I love my partner, since the day we met we have had this amazing connection I've never had before, I want us to deal with this and work as a team to get though this but I've no idea how! has anyone been in this situation? is everything just doomed?

Orange County Ca's picture

The best thing you two can do for everyone involved is to see your boyfriend on days he does not see his kids. Whether this kid spontaneously became jealous or his mother instigated it, probably both, he'll never return to acting like the other kids. His Daddy can speak to him all he wants it just isn't going to work. Oh maybe he can make the consequences harsh enough that the kid will shut up but then there's the cat.

My serious advise to all potential step-parents is to not become step-parents. See your lover as much as you can but maintain separate lives whenever the children are around. Don't even leave a bottle of perfume at his house. When they're all out of the homes then you can discuss a merging of your two lives.

You can read about step-children, right here on this forum, whose lives have been destroyed by a step-parents arrival. Don't carry that with you for the rest of your life.

gemmapink2014's picture

my partner insists that he wants to be able
to have a life too. we want to be able to settle down together. I've even said if we were to ever live together any of his kids are welcome too. his two boys want to live with him and I'm happy to do that somewhere down the line.
I'm a step child myself, although I have nothing to do with my bio father, i call my step father dad, I remember my dad coming along. and I
tested him and pushed him but I stopped when I realised my parents relationship was stronger than my bratty behaviour. I just hope the same will happen to me! I don't try and be a parent to the kids, I
went to my dad for advice and he said to go into it as their friend and not try and act like their mum. which is what I have done. it seems
to have worked with the 8 year old and 5 year old and I have a good relationship with them and have even had the two
of them on my own before. I might be approaching 6 year old wrong, I don't know. All I know is if my
kids ever spoke to my partner the way the child speaks to me there would be serious consequences.
the way my partner sees it is if I can't get on with all his kids, we aren't gonna work no matter how we feel about each other. and I understand and respect that, the children comes first. I just really want some help with how to make
progress with the kid Sad

gemmapink2014's picture

if it helps any one with advice, I'm 29, my partner is 33 and the kids are 8,8,6,6,5&3, 3 girls and 3 boys

gemmapink2014's picture

yes I must agree I wondered if my parter was part of the problem, but I
know he tries hard and he finds it all difficult sometimes so I wasn't sure if I was being unfair. to him.
I want to try and get this all under control now, I can't have my partner and this boy live with me
someday if the boy doesn't learn to have respect. I
know it's still relatively early days and the kids are all still
adjusting, I can see it's a lot for all the kids to take in. they've all had to deal with a new adult and three new children coming along. I just don't understand why 5 of them are fine and there's just one. though from speaking to other people it seems we're lucky to have 5 out of 6 onside. I just can't understand what this child's problem is. it upsets me too, coz no matter what he does my kids are just so accepting of him. even as I type they're talking about him and my son is plannin his birthday and wanting to invite the 6 year old for a sleepover! I wouldn't move my partner and his kids in with me til we know everything will be ok. as I've previously stated all the kids come first. I just want to know I have done everything I can to make this work before walking away.
I've made mistakes too. just the other day we were all going to go
to the zoo. my partner left me in the car with all the kids so he
could go and buy a picnic, the minuite he got out the car his son started his usual and I bit the bait and ended up so angry that when my partner got back I took my kids out of the car and I
left and went an did something alone with my kids. I definitely handled that wrong because now 6 year old demon child will think he has one over me. but me doing that has caused a huge argument between me and my
partner because he feels like I let him down...

gemmapink2014's picture

I should add my partners favourite excuse for his sons behaviour is "he's 6 and he has issues"
his issues are that he's a selfish, rude, disrespectful little brat. who I love dearly of course. which I do genuinely mean.

gemmapink2014's picture

As much as I agree with you that he probably need proffesional help, I don't think that would go down well with my partner!

the more I think about it and reading back what I am saying here the more I'm starting to think this relationship is probably unhealthy. it's controlled by a 6 year old boy. I think maybe it might be time to bow out before it gets worse. I feel it's me
making all the effort and putting up the fight to try and build a life with my partner. I think this child is
just too much hard work for me

gemmapink2014's picture

I think a long talk is in order. we haven't been able to talk properly about the issues since we argued about me leaving the other day when I was angry. everything is really tense and because he's had the kids this weekend he hasn't had much opportunity to talk about it. I've stayed away since the incident on Thursday but they go back to their mother this evening so hopefully he will
come over so we can talk if he's not too tired.
how the hell do I word "you are not parenting your son properly and you need to teach him to have respect and not be so downright nasty and you need to pull your weight if this relationship is going to work" without me sounding like a nasty drama queen??

missflo's picture

I'd start with what I'm prepared to do. I will discipline and parent my kids,I will not expect you to do this for me. I will make time for just the two of us. I will defer to you on the parenting of your children. I have expectations of how people treat me. Certain things are not acceptable.(you choose your deal breakers). Depending on his responses, you can determine if you move forward, or if you take yourself a step closer to where you need to be.
As to why one out of the six is having problems dealing with the relationship, not all people are the same so of course they react differently.This kid has just become not just a middle child but the middle child in a herd of children, he might be feeling a bit lost and forgotten?

gemmapink2014's picture

basically what I told him was that his son doesn't have to like me, but he has to learn to tolerate me and my partner needs to take back control and remember he is the parent and son should learn to be respectful.
to be fair other than the 2 incidents I mentioned above, he hasn't been too bad with my kids, they squabble sometimes as kids do but nothing really major. his problem seems to he with me. my partner is convinced it isn't a personal thing, his son doesn't want him to be with anyone. when asked what his problem is with me, his answer was that I didn't get him a birthday present, his birthday is in December and even though I was with my partner then, I hadn't met the kids yet so my partner explained that to him. he doesn't seem to actually have an actual reason why he dislikes me so much.

LuckyGirl's picture

Tell him children need parents, not friends. When parents become kid's friends, the children become orphans.

And that what we want, and what we need, is not always the same thing: kids may want icecream all the time, but they need healthy foods to grow up healthy. Likewise they may WANT to be allowed to act like spoilt brats, but actually they NEED boundaries and discipline.

gemmapink2014's picture

I've only been in this relationship for 9 months. I don't want to be his parent at the moment. he has a mother and a father, he is not going to end up an orphan purely by me wanting to be his friend at the moment. if he ever comes to
live with me if his dad moves in with me, then I will approach becoming his parent.
after talking to my partner this evening we have decided that for a little while I'm staying away from his kids. everything has got too much and he wants some space with his kids to deal
with the problems his son has. I agree with him, and we will ease me back in to being in his sons life. I'm perfectly happy to do this. he will spend the meantime trying to gain some control over his son. while we as a couple work on the issues that have come up since all of this has gotten bad. he also needs to deal with his children's Mother and explain the damage she is doing to her kids with the lies she feeds them