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Stepkid wants other family (BM side) to be around new sibling.

step.life's picture

I have posted a little about this before and many people responded about how the newness would wear off. It hasn't. We have 50/50 weekly timeshare. SD9 still talks about how she wants her BM to watch our son (almost 2yo) at her other house. Trys to carry him to the front door every time BM picks her up. Trys to walk off with him over to BM and that side of the family at her extracurricular events. SD once even took bioson over to her BM grandpa and tried to make bioson hug her grandpa and made bioson cry because he doesn't know those people! DH and I have repeatedly told SD that bioson does not know those people and to stop trying to force him around strangers.

BM and her family have threatened physical violence against DH and I, and constantly talk badly about us and our family members so we have a good reason not to want to be around them.
 
Bioson wants to follow SD everywhere because he loves her and at his age its hard to contain a wandering toddler without a fit, but I'm having a hard time because she continues to disrespect any of our boundaries. Do any others have this problem? I dont know if SD just "doesnt get it" or if she is purposefully disregarding what we have explained to her. It seems like its on purpose since its been almost 2 years and happens over and over. We explain it, and she basically just does what she wants with BS (trying to walk off with him, coercing him to go with her, etc.)

Yes, I know I can opt out of going to any of SD events and not take any bios. But I want to be supportive (Ive been in SDs life since a little after her first birthday)and teach our kids to support eachother so we are looking for ways to change her behavior and thinking about this issue! We also plan on another baby so I feel like it will start all over again.

Comments

notasm3's picture

BM and her family have threatened violence against you, and you have not gone all MAMA BEAR about your bio child being no where near these aholes?

Wake up. Your first responsibility is to protect YOUR child. Do not allow your child around horrible, violent aholes.

Why are you letting SD encourage your child to do things you disapprove of? This will get WORSE before it gets better.

step.life's picture

Yes, BM has told DH she was going to kill him and on different occasions said she was going to punch me in the face (a few years ago). At one point in the past DH also had a temporary restraining order against GBM.

Do we tell SD these reasons for not wanting her siblings around that family? So far we've just said "they are strangers to your family" but without any of the 'real' reasons. Is almost 10 old enough to understand the boundaries of these family dynamics?

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I don't think you need to explain your reasons to her anymore. You have already done that and it hasn't made a difference. She doesn't have to know why you don't want her to do it, she shouldn't do it because DH has told her not to. Tell her not to do it and if she does there should be a negative consequence from DH.

Even if your son throws a fit, when you are out in public with him and SD keep a physical hold on your son so she can't take him away. At the very least watch him all the time so she can't lure him away.

MoominMama's picture

Step.life - I think it can be gently and tactfully explained to SD that although they are her family her half brother doesn't know them at all (and doesn't need to, although that does not need saying ofc). I think she IS old enough to understand that. I also think her father should be explaining this to her. Keep re-inforcing that boundary and she will begin to understand. She may not like it but she can't get to do whatever she likes. Are you and your DH on the same page over this? I get the feeling you aren't.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Yep, I loved these when my daughter was a toddler. She was curious and liked to run away. My exH has some issues with his legs so he can't run after her. Plus, they make them so the kid can wear them like a backpack. I agree this might be a great idea for when you are around BM's family. Or like another poster said, try to avoid those activities that BM is going to attend.

WalkOnBy's picture

I LOVED the toddler tethers when the Things were little - both were runners and I can't tell you how many times those things saved the Things from running out into the street, or taking off in the mall.

As for the SD issue, simply tell her that while toddler is related to HER, toddler is NOT related to BM or the other people in BMs family. One of Asshat's kids used to constantly come sit with me and Thing2 when we were at Thing1's football games. He was a super annoying and ill behaved kid, but he mostly just wanted to hang out with his brother, Thing2. I pretty much ignored the whole thing, except if Asshat's kid was acting out or putting himself in danger. In those cases, I would simply tell him that if he wanted to sit with us, he had to behave. He would usually end up running at break neck speed back to Asshat and Money-Ka.

IMHO, a 9 or 10 year old kid is old enough to understand "stop taking toddler out of my sight."

MoominMama's picture

I would be on high alert and not let my bio anywhere near the door when BM picks up SD and also keeping a constant eye on what SD is doing with bio. Apparently there has been toxic behaviour from BM in the past. Be warned, these people never change. Where is your DH in all this?

SD needs really firm boundaries about what she can and cannot do regarding your Bio child.

CompletelyPuzzled's picture

Give me a break. She told SD9 that her bioson doesn't know SD9's relatives and that the are strangers TO HIM! That is not in any way insulting or demeaning SD9 or her relatives. The bottom line is that SD9 is old enough to understand when she is told not to do something. She chooses to do it anyways. You can't blame a toddler for not knowing how to behave as well as a 9 year old.

Willow2010's picture

Give me a break. She told SD9 that her bioson doesn't know SD9's relatives and that the are strangers TO HIM!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This. Heaven...you think it is wrong for OP to tell her SD that her bio mom is a stranger to her son?

fakemommy's picture

Ummm SD's family ARE strangers to bioson. That's just a fact. Just like SD's teacher are stranger to bioson... I mean come on!

fakemommy's picture

She is 100% old enough to get it. They would get it at 6, especially since her parents have been apart her entire life. This is just ridiculous. I've had a 2yo and a 9yo skid at the same time and it was not difficult to make sure the 9yo didn't lead the 2yo away or to danger...

fakemommy's picture

It doesn't matter whether the situation is dangerous. The parents of the 2yo said no, and the 9yo should understand no means no. She should also understand that her mom's family is not the 2yo's family.

I agree that OP should keep control of her kid. That was my main point in my post.

fakemommy's picture

Maybe you should explain it to SD in a way that doesn't make it about her family.

"We want 2yo to know they shouldn't approach or go with strangers, right? 2yo doesn't know your BM, GBM, etc, right? Well if you try to convince 2yo to go with or to someone who their mom and dad haven't said it is okay to go to, they will think they can go to any stranger and may end up hurt or kidnapped. You have to help us keep 2yo safe by teaching them to listen to their mom and dad."

step.life's picture

Yes DH and I are on the same page as eachother he can't stand any of the BM family. He just doesn't pay attention to the surroundings as closely as I do. Which is why SD got close to the grandpa, I was walking back from the restroom and rushed to get him.

When BM is here for pick up, SD wants to hug her brother goodbye which is fine, but then trys to pick him up and walk away so I physically remove him from her arms (it happens every week). Then she's gone for a week, so do we punish her a week later?

"SD does not view her family as a threat", I think that's part of it.

Yes SD has a huge problem with no means no right now. She "forgets" or "didnt know she wasn't supposed to" and has been doing what she wants more often. Like she thinks she knows better to change decisions.

I guess I've been trying to aviod her getting resentful of bioson in anyway by 'taking him away' as a consequence. I don't want to strain their relationsip. But I'll tell DH we need to be more firm with SD not allowed to pick up son at public events or walk anywhere with him. If she does, bioson and I will leave the event. She invites and wants us to be there, but if she can't behave I'll just walk out. Also if SD becomes a nasty teenager, DH and I had a discussion and have no problem telling her too bad you wont be around if you treat anyone in this house badly. Which means she'll miss out on time with the siblings.

BethAnne's picture

Does your sd know that you and her mom don't get along? My sd knows that I am not friends with her BM and so it is easy for me to say to her, let's not do x because it might upset your mom and she knows that we are not going to be doing things together and that there are boundaries.

I see nothing wrong with letting her know that you are not friends with her family and that as your son's parent you do not want him around people that you are not friends with.

step.life's picture

Yes she knows we are not friends. DH has often told her that we don't all get along. However BM is constantly telling SD "Yes" to everything. Especially when DH will have to say no. Unrealistic crap in SDs head that will never happen. Or suggesting stupid ideas that BM knows wont happen nor does she want it to, she hates DH, just to look like the "nice one"

SD: Mom can my brother come to my house with me sometime? "Yes"

SD: Mom can my cousins come over for a sleepover? "Yes" (step cousins, my neices)

BM: SD maybe we can all go on a family vacation together. You, me, dad, SM and brother.

BM: SD we should all go out to dinner, breakfast sometime.

Then SD comes here saying we can do all this stuff that is Never going to happen.