I KNOW how we're SUPPOSED to be...
We have been married FOUR years.
My oldest SD is special needs with an IQ of 70. I THOUGHT I knew the discipline style of my Husband, I THOUGHT he was consistent, firm but kind, etc...but it turns out that is only to his "normal" child, my bio-children, etc. This "special needs" daughter gets away with so many things, less chores, he does her homework, believes her lies, is inconsistent with consequences, etc.
I'm scared that she is going to live with us the rest of our lives, because she doesn't have the work ethic to carry a job. (bagging groceries or the like) I'm scared that this tension is driving us apart. I'm scared that I see an ultimatum in the future of either HER or ME. I'm scared of my answer if he was to ever try that one on me.
I know we are supposed to be unified and work together, and I thought we did, but I think we have a major block on this issue. Do I just need to be "more understanding" and realize that raising a "special needs" child is different?
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No, you don't. Raising a
No, you don't. Raising a special needs child is harder and requires even more consitancy in terms of adhearance to rules and consequences than for a "normal" child. I'm glad to have met someone in similar shoes; *this* issue is my big concern also. My FSS is awesome, but is special needs as well, and I've had limited interaction with him and DH. My biggest fear is this sweet, but mentally retarded child who is almost my size and definitely my strength coming into my home and harming myself or my new baby only to find out that DH, for all his talk of fairness and sterness, isn't actually willing to discipline his son. FSS does not understand when he is hurting other people or that when he breaks things, they can't always be fixed. Worse, he's been raised to essentially ignore women. I'm really, really anxious about this whole upcoming situation.
My thoughts are with you
My thoughts are with you both, and with your stepkids as well. I do not have any experience with parenting special needs kids but I have worked with wonderful individuals with special needs in my teaching. Though my opinion does not reflect the voice of parenting experience, it seems completely important that there should be an established routine, rules, and consequences that are clearly-defined. If non-special-needs kids thrive on knowing "what's coming next", I would imagine that that would be even more of a comfort, a set-up for success, for kids with special needs in their homes. Can you request a meeting with SD's Life Skills teacher or day-habilitation teacher (not sure how old your SD is) to speak about this with DH?