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Is there a way to disengage from DH?

stephm0219's picture

Or is that just another way of saying we need to separate?

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sunshinex's picture

It depends.

I sometimes find myself needing a break from everything - quite honestly, I find myself needing a break from my husband, his child, the noise and mess that comes along with marrying someone with children lol. So I go to my parents house for a few days. They're out of town for 6 months a year and they don't mind me camping out at their house. DH is fine with it. He knows he married someone who loves him, but doesn't entirely love the life of having a child and sometimes needs space. He's okay with it.

Can you do something like that? Is there a reason you want to disengage? Can he just lessen any hassle that's put on you as a result of steplife?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

In what way do you want to disengage?

I am disengaged when it comes to the skids. Whenever DH talks about some skid thing, I let him finish, say "mmhmm" or "that's nice" and change the subject.

stephm0219's picture

I want to disengage from him emotionally. He doesnt meet my emotional needs and I need to learn how to stop asking that from him, expecting it from him and find a way to get my emotional needs met elsewhere. I have already disengaged from my SD a great deal and I can see its hurting her and my DH, but I need to worry about me for once since no one in my house except my 6 year old son does.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Hon, if he is not meeting your emotional needs....are you sure you want to stay married??

I realize that different people in our lives can meet a variety of needs (I like to drink wine; it's not DH's thing), but when it comes to emotional needs, my spouse/partner has to meet those. I would not be in a marriage/relationship in which my emotional needs are not met.

Tuff Noogies's picture

if your dh does not meet your emotional needs, and you want to disengage from HIM - are you happy with the arrangement of having him as a roommate/booty-call?

stephm0219's picture

Sometimes that is my situation anyway. No Im not happy with that arrangement. But I cant force him to meet my needs. I guess it really is up to him to make that decision. Does he want me as a wife or a roommate? If its the later, and he wont change, which at 40 I doubt he will, then Ill have to really think about what im doing here

Tuff Noogies's picture

you're not happy - i'm glad to hear that (instead of hearing that you are happy with your emotional needs going unfulfilled).

hun, there's no decision for your dh to make. there is nothing that is up to him. he has SHOWN you already that he's happy under the current arrangement. if the current arrangement makes you NOT happy, then it's up to YOU to make YOUR decision on what you're going to do to change the current arrangement.

you said "Ill have to really think about what im doing here." yes, yes you do.

sunshinex's picture

YES to this. Stepparents deserve the ability to back out once in a while when it gets too much. We take on so much marrying men with children, so it's only fair that they're understanding when we want a break and need some space from it all.

Glassslipper's picture

I'm disengaged from DH in a way. When it comes to the skids and his other life with BM, I just stay out of the way and do my own thing.
We used to run our home like a family, making family decisions that would effect all the kids (his 2 and my 2) but BM can't keep a friendly distance and he now instead of us discussing our home rules, he discusses them with BM and together they make decisions even if its the opposite of what him and I had previously agreed on. She just has so much of the upper hand in my home and my husbands life that I guess I really don't consider myself the DW of DH anyhow.
I rank, just not in the top 5 anymore, and frankly, I don't care anymore.

ESMOD's picture

I guess I would want to ask what exactly your emotional need are and how you want him to meet them.

I think that a lot of guys don't get off on discussing their feelings and emotions and when a woman starts talking about their emotional needs, the concept is foreign and they get frustrated because they don't know what the HECK the woman wants.

Sometimes it is easier to discuss the specific actions we are looking for.

So, how is he not meeting your needs and what does he have to do to meet them?

stephm0219's picture

I want him to tell me he loves me, that he misses me, that the fights we go through are normal and we will be ok. That he is willing to work on his rage and willing to cope with my over sensitivity and that I mean just as much to him now as I did when we first met, before we blended our families, before we had legal custody drama and before we started arguing all the time. Thats all...is that too much to expect from a man? From the Bronx who lived in and out of foster care and had no real parental guidance? I feel its a basic human function, but maybe im wrong

ESMOD's picture

I really agree here. On the one hand one person might say, you don't say you love me enough. The other says, what do you mean, I do so much for you ... of COURSE I love you!

OP may be sensitive and insecure, but her husband may just be shutting down when she "blathers on" about her emotional needs. He doesn't know what that even means! He doesn't need someone telling them they love him constantly.. why does she? (or that is his thought process).

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel the assurance that your spouse still loves you and that everyone has fights but that doesn't mean you aren't cared for.

I will be honest, I think in my relationship, my DH says these things more than me. I think I may have even hurt his feelings a time or two when I haven't been as vocal about things too. But, I do so much for him and his family and I do love him and show it through actions.

Maybe if OP can figure out how her DH's actions show his love, then she might be ok with less verbal specific wording?

Then again, I hate to hear the word RAGE.. I can understand how that would be especially hurtful when all that is being asked is some reassurance that there is love.

still learning's picture

No one person will ever meet 100% of our needs and it's too much to ask of anyone, especially our spouse. We are social creatures that need a variety of relationships to be happy; friends, family, aquaintances, etc. Men in our society are taught not to express their emotions, from the time they are young boys they are told to toughen up, be strong. DH does not fill all of my emotional needs either, I have friends and sisters that I talk to about things that DH and I don't connect on.

I would back off, quit expecting him to fill YOUR emotional needs. When entering into a "healthy" relationship it requires two whole people, not two halves looking for someone else to complete them. Sounds like you need some coffee time w/a friend, some girlfriends, a meet up group, or whatever. It's funny but when you get yourself together and do what you enjoy without him, your man will start being more attentive.

Stepped in what momma's picture

It's funny but when you get yourself together and do what you enjoy without him, your man will start being more attentive.

^^^^^^This ^^^^^^^

Stilllearning has already learned and is totally dead on. If you become less interested in SO and start doing your own thing that WILL make him notice. Usually doesn't take long and if it does take a long time then that should be a red flag to you.

My SO has gotten so wrapped up at work lately that he has essentially let his job take over his life. I'd be at home cooking dinner only to find out he wouldn't be home until 7 pm. A few situations like this made me start stopping at the park to walk after work and it only took a few times of me not being home when he got home for him to notice. I never told SO I was even planning on stopping at the park, I just started doing my own thing, guess who texts now every day around 4:30 pm to see what "our" plans are for the evening now? LOL, men are strange creatures, they don't notice you when you are at home taking care of them but they sure do notice when you stop.

stephm0219's picture

I agree with this so much. I need more time with my girlfriends. I have put them on the back-burner for too long

IslandGal's picture

SO and I are in the process of separating. He is moving to his Moms and will be moving his things over the next couple of weeks. School hols are upon us and SS15 is spending a week with SO, so they will be using the week to move as much stuff as they can.

He called today to ask if we could talk. I don't know what more there is to say. I told him that I can't cope with the gas lighting, the manipulation and how he gets so defensive then angry so fast. I've never met a man who could scream as loudly as he does. It was such a shock when he first screamed at me (at the top of his lungs), that he sacrificed his daughter for me. That was when I started to realise that it would only get worse. This, despite counselling and the counselor telling him to NEVER, EVER put that on me. His daughter chose to stay away and refused to return unless he left me.

I was actually considering giving it another go..when he forgot our 5th year anniversary (30th March). I had reminded him the day prior. His excuse was that he had too much going on in his mind. He's currently furious with BM for sending SD16 overseas to complete her education. SD16 has been sent to live with BM's parents. I get that - I do, but it hurt..and it hurt like hell. When I had it out with him.. he got super defensive and yelled "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO REMEMBER??!!! Why don't YOU do something special for ME!!" and on and on he went.

It struck a nerve because we had the same fights about Valentines Day (2015). Last VD was on me. So I shouted us to a cabaret show and paid for everything including the taxi to and from. It was supposed to be his turn in 2016, but my niece passed away and I had to fly overseas. Got stuck in a cat 5 storm and return was delayed by 3 days. He rang me once. I called him about 4 times. He didn't pick me up from the airport. Was cold when I got home. That hurt too. I hoped he'd make up for it in 2017 - but nope, got jack shit and that was it.

He also got upset with me because I didn't buy him a Xmas card. I did get one for my Son's only as we had decided to only get gifts for our off spring. He never mentioned it, but brooded and dwelled on it. When I asked him how could he forget our 5th year anniversary.. he later told me he was still hurt because I didn't get him a Xmas card. That was it - the beginning of our end. Little things that just added up. Like a 1,000 cuts a day and you bleed out until you're weak and not sure if you're mentally stable.

I'm sorry for the long rant.. I just had to get it out!

Only you know if a separation is good for you - by the sounds of your post, I reckon you should definitely take a break.

Ninji's picture

I completely understand what you are saying. My DH and I are doing better than ever right now but we did miss V day for the third year in a roll because of BM and skids. It's always something.

Acratopotes's picture

This is tough...

Only you can decide what would be best for you, either you accept your DH not being all emotional and showing and mushy or you do not accept it.

i suggest you and DH do the 5 love language test.... you might be total different and if you and your partner knows what would make the other person feel loved things will be allot better.... I forced my SO to do the test and show me what kind of person he is, we had the same fight as you and your DH lol... just reversed.

I don;t like people touching me, the words I love you means nothing to me, it's simply just words... I do not see this as showing love. I see love as some one showing appreciation, like doing the dishes before I get home and before I walk into a messy kitchen.... I leave the kitchen clean I want it back clean.... I see love as some one who brings you coffee without asking if you want, my partner should be able to read my moods and facial expressions, I show how I feel....

SO on the other hand - sees love as touching him constantly and telling him 20x a day I love you... he does not see it my way, now that we know it it's much better between us lol.... He grew up in a house hold where the parents was not really there, they never hugged their children or touched them, the 6 kids where on their own and had to raise themselves...thus SO needs this hugging mushy crap... I hate it

All boils down to communication, good communication, really talking to each other about the relationship, not insults and you did this or you did that kind of things... and never ever go to bed without saying good night... not even angry...

Acratopotes's picture

almost asked you - SIL... is that you, then I remembered they are intact family lol...... SO is the 3rd of 6

and nope If SO comes home with a gift - I will ask him WTF did you do now....... but when he comes home with a rock or a thorn branch, I will do anything for him, cause it shows he thought of me at a specific time when he saw it....

SOmetimes I wonder if he was born this way or if he got brain washed this way being married to BM - she measures love to the amount of gifts and price tags on it..