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What Did I Get Myself Into?

stephm0219's picture

I need a friend. I need someone unbiased to tell me what I should do here. So Here is MY story...brace yourselves.

Let me preface this by saying that I divorced my husband a little over 3 years ago. He was a cheater and abusive to me. However, He was and remains a good father, so I gave him 50/50 custody and never asked for child support. WE maintain a good relationship for our son and I just stupidly expected any rational woman to act the same as I did.

I met my now husband (40) almost 3 years ago. I just turned 33. I have a 6 year old son and he has a 9 year old brat daughter. I didnt know his daughter was a brat bc she was 6 when I met her and an angel, but hormones and attitude plus a heavy dose of disrespect and ungratefulness have made her into the charming young woman she is today.

Some background- BM is a bitch who had cost me over 20 thousand dollars in legal fees that I alone, as a single mom at the time paid for my husband so he could battle the baseless PFAs and win back custody that was taken away from him 3 years prior. I listened and researched his case when we met. I thought it was tragic. She gave him half custody initially then took him to court unannounced and made up a bunch of lies that he had to spend time disproving. Well ladies and gentlemen, he passed the court ordered drug and alcohol tests bc BM claimed he was a junkie. He had a court ordered therapist testify on his behalf after 3 months of court ordered therapy that he had to pay for that he is a GOOD dad and not abusive like BM claimed. He attended all the court ordered parent classes that again he had to pay for bc BM claimed he was an unfit father and STILL the courts only gave him every Monday night and every other weekend Fri-Sun. And he was paying 600 a month in child support. So I come in and BM gets in a mood and starts the legal game again, but this time she is battling me- who has an ivy league degree and a close Mentor at a local prestigious Ivy League school law dept. So BM puts in a relocation petition to move daughter to North Carolina bc her new husband is from there. Oh yeah forgot to mention that we (BM, me and my husband) lived a block away from each other. I could handle it, she couldnt. After a lengthy legal battle judge orders mom to stay put. She moved anyway, 37 miles away over Christmas and never told us, wouldnt even provide an address to dad. Back to court we go! This time judge reams into mom and hands my husband 50% custody and she now pays him child support. She is a Licensed PHD in neuropsychology after all making 6 figures...seems she should have a better grip on reality and not be so narcissistic. I paid for and did all that. Me. I pay for SD gymnatiscs camps and horseback riding. Spent easily over 300 dollars on her for bdays and Christmases. And my son has had to adapt to all this as well. Everything he gets, she HAS to get or Im a mean step mom, a bad wife or favoring my son. Its not fair.

I DO FAVOR MY SON. He is my son. Why is that bad? I never even got a thank u from SD today, her bday for the 9 gifts I got her and the 120 dollars I spent last night at the family fun center. When i pointed this out to my husband, we have the same fight we always do and here is where i need advice. I have done everything for this man. I even bought a second home halfway between my ex and his since she moved 37 miles away without court approval or dads consent. I make good money. I spend it freely for things I find important which I thought family was. He blames me for pointing out anything his daughter does bad. She is never wrong. I am. I feel like I will always be second to her. I am currently and she is only 9. I buy her pulls up and clean up her nightly pee (Yes she still pees the bed every night at 9 which both my husband and BM think is "totally normal for her age") . I feel used and abused. I feel like I was punished for not taking my ex to court by having to suffer through my husbands drama now. BM has verbally assaulted me as has her husband in front of my son. All this stress and no way to talk to my hubby about it bc he blames me and we fight. I cant take it. So uneven. So here I sit alone in my office and type this story as he caudles her right now even though I can hear her screaming at my son bc he wanted to see a present she got and she wont share. She has the master bedroom in our home that I bought and only has my name on it with the master bathroom. The bathroom that stinks of urine and ammonia that is left for me or no one to clean up. my son was potty trained at 2. Help me. Help me. Help me.

Comments

moeilijk's picture

Oh my dear woman. Yours is indeed a tale of woe.

The problem is, you are the one that has to change everything. You went into this trying to help, and everybody sat back and let you. And now they expect that, and get angry when you don't twist yourself into a pretzel to please them.

But of course you have your own needs and wants. Unfortunately, you've trained them to think that you will put them in front of you.

Stop doing that. Stop helping. Every time you think, "I should..." DON'T! Don't clean the bathroom, your husband should do that. If there's another bathroom in the house, make sure you or your son are in there 24/7 until he does. (Or something.)

You are the one who will change everything. Of course you're angry, you've been giving giving giving and never getting. But, and this is the saddest part, you've let it happen. The good news is, you can stop it.

stephm0219's picture

oh bc my hubby demanded it. We live in the finished basement and my son has the second smallest room. He has to make sure he is beating his ex and ensuring SD has bigger and better here...except I front the bill for it all and he takes all the glory.

stephm0219's picture

how can i stop it? Should I just get divorced again and put my son through all this again? I now have SOOOOOO many equitable assests its disgusting including 2 houses and 2 cars I all bought for and while with my husband. I wish I could just take my son and dissapear for a few days. I feel like he and I never get time together bc SD has to do everything he does. She just asked me to put her in his karate lessons and my hubby backed her. Great. Another 300 a month on her and I DONT WANT TO PAY FOR HER ANYMORE. But if I say anything, m hubby yells and screams. I just noticed the hole in bathroom wall from this mornings fight he put there. I cant win unless I brace myself for WW3 and just go through the exiting process. But then he will blame me for ruining his life and putting him and his daughter on the street. He has manipulated me like this before when I have said enough is enough and maybe we should split. I never ever thought it would be like this.

Funny thing is, when the kids are not around especially his daughter, we are great. Like peas and carrots. No fights. No tension, Easy breezy. Then SD and BM rear there ugly heads and now she is here half the time, half of my life, alienating me in my own home that I PAID FOR!!!!!

SacrificialLamb's picture

Is your son happy in his living situation? He may be happy for a fresh start.

Any time you feel trapped you need counseling in order to weigh your options. You are clearly unhappy and you have good reason to be. Please seek counseling and don't ignore you mental health - for your sake and your son's!

stephm0219's picture

yes he is vet tech and he contributes. i just make double literally what he does and therefore the bills are paid by me, but he gives me cash each week to help out.

stephm0219's picture

this literally just made me laugh out loud, so thank you! um I love him and he sure swept me off my feet at first. he asked me to marry him the first night we met and asked me everyday for the next 6 months until i finally agreed and he did buy a bomb up ring. It all looked so different at the beginning on the surface. i just dont know if this whole situation is salvageable anymore. i cant be a superhero here.

stephm0219's picture

I guess security maybe? Im 33 and have a kid and a huge closet full of baggage. What if no one else wants me? And if we do split, I dont want to be in ANY type of relationship for a Long Long time and that scares me too. Im insecure and have low self esteem, sad bc I have a great career, Im pretty, Im young and Im a good person. But ive been so abused by men in my life my DH doesnt hit me and I guess I settled for that, bc at least I wasnt waking up with brusies like I was in my last marriage.

stephm0219's picture

no. My son fears DH. Like cries and tells me at 6 how he breaks his heart every day bc DH yells at him and disciplines him but not his own damn daughter. Its like shes untouchable. In his eyes. My bank account knows full well that the problem isnt on my end.

I just dont even know where to start to get divorced again. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

stephm0219's picture

Thanks for the advice and support. I assure you I am real and Not stupid, but yes of course there are a thousand details I left out bc of time and writing space. Again, I came for advice not judgement but go head girl, kick me when Im down, I hope it makes you feel powerful and better than I.

kidsaplenty's picture

Your son is being abused by your husband but also really by you (you are his mother and it is YOUR job to protect him). A 6 year old living in fear and crying everyday due to emotional abuse? Your first step if you are unwilling to kick loafer and pissypants to the curb is to find a safe place for your son to live until you can get things worked out. I am sorry you are hurting but your minor child's need for emotional safety needs to come first. I hope you leave this relationship now and take time to just be happy you and your child. Do not get embroiled with another abuser until you have had years of counseling and time to be happy with you and figure out how to avoid this type. Good luck!

SacrificialLamb's picture

" Kids would rather be FROM a broken home than in one." Ain't that the truth.

When I was a single parent to 2 young children, people asked me how I was able to be a single mom to two kids. My answer was I used to have three kids. My kids blossomed when the abusive marriage ended and I could focus solely on their well being and my own, instead of catering to an abusive narcissist.

OP, it sounds like you can afford to live on your own and focus on your child. Get out of this toxic marriage. Peace exists outside of it. Focus on raising your child and healing yourself. Maybe someday you will meet someone who will treat you better. Maybe you won't , but it's a lot better than the situation you are living in.

stephm0219's picture

no he bought it. One thing I have and will always have is separate checking accounts and I didnt had over 8 grand which is what the ring appraised for. He makes decent money

ESMOD's picture

My EX admitted that he took his ex wife's ring to get cleaned and had them switch out the stones....lol.

uofarkchick's picture

You're only 33. You are educated, giving, and obviously pretty tolerant. You are a catch. You are also prey for a predator. Get rid of the mooch and get some counseling about why you choose the men you do. I'm not saying you deserved any of this. I was a battered wife so please don't think I'm blaming you. But it will only help if you do some soul searching. You don't deserve to live another second in this farce of a marriage.

CANYOUHELP's picture

Wow, enough is enough... I would tell husband his gravy train is walking out, unless he realizes you do NOTHING you do not want to do from this minute on...and, it sounds like you have given everybody permission to use you..... You do not need this and clearly you do not want this; this is not good for your son......It is horrible for you. You started out wrong by paying for everything and investing all your resources in this man; but like others have stated, you can change all that now. You need to plan to do that immediately, because the more time you wait the more resources you waste and emotional abuse you take.

FieryEscape's picture

Make your DH parent his kids and STOP cleaning up after and paying for them.

Separate your finances . Divorce would probably be cheaper and easier than staying and being miserable .

I did and paid for so much with my exDH out of love and loyalty...with little appreciation...after a while all it does is breed toxic marriage killing resentment.

Luckyone's picture

You know, in my marriage I am your husband in a lot of ways. Dh makes a very good living, I have a part time job that I do to contribute a little and because I love it. He bought us a beautiful home, cars and we want for nothing.

Pay close attention because here is the difference: I am grateful, I tell him constantly and show him in every way I can. My kids adore him and are respectful and loving toward him. I love him dearly and it shows.

See, I think you would be ok with the money part if you were treated well. You aren't. You need to sit your husband down and have a sincere come to Jesus meeting. Tell him that he is destroying all the love and respect you once had for him and that you will not continue e this way and if things don't change it is over. Be specific in the changes you need. But be prepared to leave if he doesn't follow through. Then you wait and see. Don t stay if this is the best it is going to get, you deserve better.

stephm0219's picture

thanks so much to everyone. lots to think about, lots to talk with DH about. I appreciate the advice, truly I do!

Acratopotes's picture

I just can't.... wait I can

This man is using your for free sex and money, you would be better off without him. Simply sell the extra house and trf the cat into his name, then take your son and move into your other house and end all with this man..

ntm's picture

By staying in this relationship, you are teaching your son how he should treat his wife. You are a strong person holding together your professional life and trying not to fail in your personal life. Knowing when to quit is not failure, it is success. Your husband screams and yells and convinces you that no one else will want you because he's abusive. From work, call the national domestic abuse hotline and start making a plan to get out. Use your lawyer friend to get you a lawyer familiar with domestic abuse cases. Do this for your son so another generation doesn't have to go through this.

stephm0219's picture

Dont be so hard on me people. No one is perfect and I came for advice NOT judgement. HE my husband is a very very good looking man. I am attractive too. Thats not what brought me to him or his penis. Im not stupid, Im naive I guess but again its my life not yours so why the hostility? Maybe I made a mistake using this site....

stephm0219's picture

If you actually stop and read my post I stated that looks are NOT why I am with him! Yup this was a mistake so thanks for making me realize that. I was just raised to say nothing if I had nothing nice to say. Apparently I cant say same for you.

stephm0219's picture

Agreed, except for the comment calling me fake bc "no one can be that stupid"

stephm0219's picture

I believe that I made a commitment to marriage. I was just looking to vent as the website stated and gain resources for help. Trying to gain perspective as to whether this marriage is salvageable. He isnt a monster. He actually cleaned the whole house yesterday, got dinner and watched both kids while I sat in my office typing on here. Yes we fight and the kids fight and usually we all make up and can have pleasant days.

I was looking for others' experience to again make a decision about what I wanted to do. I need to weigh the pros and cons and I know I have only given out the cons so reactions like these are expected but judgments are unnecessary. OK, taking a break now and hoping to receive continued suggestions and resources and less blame and shame on me. Damn people

moeilijk's picture

Really good advice and insight. And common sense, but of course, that ain't so common...

SM12's picture

You have separate finances. So why are you paying for all of these extras. Tell your DH you can't afford the extra activities anymore.

AND WHY would you why a house when the BM moved 37 miles away. That isn't across the country, it is 37 miles??
It sounds like your DH is verbally abusive when he doesn't get his way (much like the SD). You allowed this to happen so far, but that doesn't mean you have to allow it to continue. A hole in the wall because you argued?? Ummm NO!!!
Princess would NOT have the master bedroom unless she paid the mortgage.
You need to sell the second house, move DH and SD out of the house and get into counseling if you want to save this marriage.
Your BS deserves a happy healthy mom and not an abused victim.

And so you don't think I am a horrible mean person, I too lived your life. I financially supported my XH and SD for years all while being verbally and emotionally abused. I was never happier when I was free of that situation. Please take a look at what this is doing to your BS and get out for his sake.

ESMOD's picture

"BM is a bitch who had cost me over 20 thousand dollars in legal fees"

No dear, your DH is a "Btch" that cost you over 20K in legal fees plus untold thousands of dollars to pamper his little princess.

I can't believe you let him strong arm you into spending your hard earned money on HIS problems and HIS child.

I am guessing you pay a lion's share of the bills too?

You can do better.

freebird's picture

^^^^^^^All of this.

I feel for you, I really do. Remember: Givers must set limits because Takers rarely do.

I don't know your husband, but he sounds like he's a narcissist. Please google this and read about it.

Also, I was married to a man who would hit walls, destroy furniture and kick the cat. Eventually, he hit me.

Hugs to you and good luck.

CLove's picture

Yikes. After reading your post, others responses, I am confused as to your goal - suggestions? With Ivy league education, you will have the intelligence, but you need cheerleaders? You need anonymous friends? Well these folks have helped me immeasurably.

Take in this information, do your research. Ultimately you need to let your mind take over where your emotions have failed you. Then, get thee to therapy! Your son is your priority, not a troubled, unbalanced marriage. Your son is afraid of your spouse? And so are you, apparently, because you fear talking to him, or standing up to him. If the marriage is perfect without stress - well aren't all relationships perfect without the stress of reality? What you want and need is someone who can sail the rough seas as well as the calm waters, with grace and love and patience.

I think that you are getting myopic - you are in a situation and you cannot see your way out of it, cannot imagine life without it. WELL, as nearly EVERYONE has stated, start small, and do not discuss. Do it for your son, and eventually you will begin doing it for yourself.

Good luck, and don't get offended so easily. Like you have stated, there are probably hundreds of important details missing from your story. Take the "steps".

CLove's picture

I had asked about your goals in posting here? I am glad that you want the same things we all want.
But what are you asking for HERE on this board? What are you needing here? I ask because for me - I needed to feel vindicated. I definitely needed to know that I was not alone. You are not alone. I needed to vent my frustrations. You had asked for help. Help with what? Advice?

Apparently we all have the same, or similar advice. There are many similar stories, and experiences, here, and folks who can relate.
What are you going to do next?

stephm0219's picture

I honestly dont know what to do next. I am focusing on my son, trying to repair the relationship between my son and my husband and my husband has been trying to be patient with my son and calm and has sat him down and told him that he would never hurt me or him, even if he yells when he is mad. I am trying to set more boundaries between me and my SD and have passed a lot of the responsibility for her onto my DH solely, like I no longer clean up after her, I rarely buy her things, and when she asks me if she can do something, I refer her back to her dad. I have blocked BM from my phone and email in an attempt to stop the harassing messages and nasty comments. Her husband recently yelled at me during a pick up bc he thought I was early when actually he was 15 min late in sending SD out and walked up to my car and opened the door and screamed at me in front of my kids. I called the police and made a report. I just need to disconnect from those crazy people altogether and my DH has taken over most of the driving and pick ups and drop offs.

I did finally talk to him openly and told him about all of my concerns, feelings, fears and current emotional pain. And he fought for me. I want my marriage to work. I am going to try and salvage it. I need to focus on being a wife and step back from trying to be step mom of the year and make peace with BM. I am throwing myself into my son and he is my main and top priority. SD has a mother and her loyalty will always lie with her no matter what I do or say so I have REALLY detached myself from her, but not in a nasty or hurtful way. Just passing most of the responsibility off on my DH.

Hopefully things will continue to get better and we can all grow together. My hubby is even taking my son to a museum that he has been dying to go to and I think this will really help them mend and bond. If not, my son is my responsibility and I will take him over completely, but even my son said he wanted to go with my hubby and he has been happier since our family meeting. Communication is key. Frustrations are high and resentment is an easy mindset to get stuck in. The past is the past and I believe I did too much for everyone except myself. So now its my time and my sons time. SD and Hubby are loved and cared for by me, but I am not going to allow anyone to take advantage of me, abuse me or my son, or break up our family that I have worked SO hard to build and maintain.