H and I need to talk to SS about being overbearing....
BM calls H this morning and says that we need to have a talk with SS about school and friends and being overbearing.
BM said that she tried to talk to SS but he just doesn't get it. She said that SS says that so and so is a punk and he is not my friend and that guy is my friend. Then she says that the teacher says he is yelling out in class. So she wants H and I to talk to him this evening when we have him.
Brief background - SS has ADHD and takes meds for it. BM is known to not give these on regular basis. When at BM's home SS lives with fighting and has a little brother whom recently SS is making more and more comments about I get in trouble because of little brother etc. Now I know some of it is for pity and he probably does aggravate brother and deserves to get got onto but some of I am sure he feels like he is always second to little brother but on same hand BM lets him do as he pleases especially when her boyfriends kids are there SS is the alpha kid and thinks he is boss. BM talk ugly about H to and in front of SS and SS is not allowed to talk about H or at her house. Now given fact he is ADHD and probably does not get meds regularly with BM and when it comes to him with his BM and other kids and BM makes him think it is OK to be boss and rule the others then I could see him having issues at school. My question to all of you is how do we talk to SS who is 8 about it in a way that he can understand?
I worry about him as I am sure he takes on his mother's attitude a lot and if he does this while at school I can see how he has trouble with friends. SS is very loving and will play with anybody but the minute they don't do like he wants he is upset (mirror of BM's behavior). When he is with us I have no kids so it is just him but we got to church with other kids and have friends over with kids all the time and H and I are always on him about sharing and doing what the other person wants and not just what he wants. I am sure there is more at his mom's house that we do not know about. We are going to court to modify custody to 50/50 and BM just lost her job again so I am sure there is lots going on at her house.
How do we talk to him? What do we say that he will understand?
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We did have a similar problem with SD9.
Her BM treated her like a babysitter from the time she was 5. She's been held responsible for everything SD7 and SS5 do wrong, so she gets a little overbearing and bossy with them at times. Her father and I understand her behavior was result of the role she had been forced into by her mother and have tried to bring her down a peg at a time when we see her get too big for her britches. Her overbearing-ness now only flares up occasionally.
I don't know how to sit a kid down and correct this with a talk. The talk should be going to his mother if your DH can do that. She needs to understand that SS's role in his environment is what created this.
What we do with SD is when she tries to correct the other two, we'll tell her to back off we'll handle this and just try to remind her without coming out and saying that she's the kid, we're the adults. All direction/correction of any of them should come from adults, not other kids.
But BM is going to have to change her ways if there are to be any improvements in his behavior. I don't believe there's a magic talk for an 8 year old. You can try letting him know, but it's going to have to be backed by his role models enforcing the new behavior and directing him consistently until the behavior changes.
I honestly think that
if BM is the problem, I'd just tell her that if she isn't consistent, don't come to you guys to be the bad ones.
H just talk to the teacher..
she said he has been yellling out of turn at school and pouting when he is being corrected about his work. The teacher said that she told him they were going to send him to the principal and call his dad and SS got upset and said he did not want that. SS has had a GREAT school year this year by far the best ever. BM lost her job right after Halloween and since then SS has been having issues with school.
We long ago resided to not discipline for his behavior at mom's cause that is her fault but if it spills over to school then something has to be said...right?
No we cannot talk to BM cause she does not see she is the problem we have tried before.