ADHD children and my thoughts, vents, and rambles
SS has ADHD. My SS, H and the BM have been attending counseling for SS. The past 2 weeks H and BM have had session with counselor seperate from SS session.
During those 2 sessions BM has stated that H is to hard on SS and that he has no patience with him. Her reasons for us being to hard were due to his chore list which consists of: make bed, hang up clothes, take out trash, set table, clean off table, sweep floor after eating. Then H has no patience because of his ADHD.
It was brought to counselor and instance back in May where SS was over the top at a dr visit. He was talking while doctor talking, pulling the blinds up and down, tearing the paper off the exam table and shredding it, then after visit throwing books on the floor and pulling brocheures out of the display and H tell him to put them up and the whole time SS turn around looking at H laughing and still doing it saying my mom lets me. So H goes to pop SS as he has told him over and over to stop SS curls up and the pop lands on the back of SS head. So BM tells counselor this and says that H is to harsh with SS and counselor tells H he needs to read up on symptoms of ADHD.
H states he has not read up as much as he should but states that he knows his son and he knows when he is wired and when he is not minding trying to stir things.
SS is esentially the same kid with BM as he is with us. He is wired, all over the place, and can't sit still....to me all that is part of the ADHD and part is just being a kid and a boy at that. The difference btw SS with us and SS with BM is ATTITUDE. SS attitude SUCKS when he is with BM. He acts like she does about 1/2 pissed off and hollers. When SS is with us is attitude is real good. H and I are calm and always loving on each other and SS does thoes things when with us. Now that SS is older he is bringing the smart mouth and tries it with us. BM says the smart ass she deals with everyday is the real SS and that we did not know him and he was fake and depressed with us. I wonder what is real SS? When in Rome do as the Romans do, Product of environment,do thoses explain the difference in BM and us and SS attitude?
We tell/warn SS several times due to ADHD when we tell him to do something or correct him. However there comes a point when I feel consequenses/discipline must be handed out. What is wrong with doing an ADHD child that way? They need consequenses and discipline as well. It can range from a pop on the leg, to time out, to write offs. Why does everybody feel ADHD kids should be handled with silk gloves? Yes they are hyper and have concentration issues but they know right and wrong too. Also after being with SS long enough I am with H I know when SS is wired due to ADHD and when SS is testing limits.
I just want opinions on discipline and experience with ADHD kids.
H and I are firm believers that we are not SS's friend and to allow him to do as he pleases, not teach him right and wrong, and not suffer consequenes for doing wrong or misbehaving is doing a great disservice to SS.
thoughts, comments, advice?
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Comments
Go with
your gut. I teach special education and actually had a similiar situation with my soon to be SS(9). I didn't want to press the issue but his behavior and inability to perform any task that seemed to challenge him in the least was putting a strain on my relationship with my future DH. Not to mention all this effort wad being put forth on understanding and nurturiing the boy SS(9) while the girl SD(7) got put on the back burner.
Anyway, I hasd to drop hints ans suggested being firmer rather than more lenient with SS(9) and openly rewarding SD(7) for good behavior so that SS(9) could see the posiitve and negative consequneces of one's behavior. It took awhile but he came around and so did my future DH. SD(9) is still and ass with his BM but that is her problem. She has no coping skills and won't listen to our suggestions (because it wasn't her idea). Apples don't fall far from the tree so SS(9) comes by his attitude and ADHD naturally. Poor kid. But with clear boundaries, consequences, and tough love he is doing much better.
In my professional experience, handling kids with ADHD with silk gloves often makes them worse. They do not get subtle warnings and take a mile when given an inch. Consistencly in discipline wins everytimee. The added bummer of being intwo households that practice very different ways of dealing with his ADHD has made hima master manipulator. Kids with ADHD aren't stupid- they figure out who is going to allow poor behavior and work it to their advantage.
How is he at school? How old did you say he was? What is your custody arrangement? Is BM re-married? Are there other children in the mix? Is he awarwe of his diagnosis? All of these factors will influence how the ADHD manifests itself and give you insight into whether or not it truly is the aADHD or if he is just testing boundaries.
Good luck. We are still dealing with it but now that my future DH is n board, it is ALOT easier.
PS Chores are good! Why do the gorwn-ups have to do everything? LOL
ADHD experience...
ChooChoo(bs7) has severe issues with ADHD. We tried to treat him without medication but unfortunately the behavior modification only went so far and now in addition to behavior modification he's currently taking Vyvance once a day.
My advice to you is the same I gave to another blogger yesterday: No matter what you do to help this child you can't help him unless you get a routine that is simple,to the point,and set in stone. ADHD kids don't always need "tough love" but they do need constructive discipline. Since SS is a boy he will test your limits til you're ready to put him in boarding school...but that has nothing to do with ADHD. He shouldn't be handled with "silk gloves" just because of his diagnosis, that would be a disaster. Then he'll grow up to be an adult who never has any accountability for his actions.
Join an adhd support group, get your hands on any adhd books you can find and read them cover to cover. It will teach you the proper discipline structure for your ss. My son seems to respond well to the token system. We have a sheet on our fridge that has daily activities along with how many tokens he earns from doing each thing without reminders or hassling. There is also another sheet that lists different "offenses" he commonly commits and how many tokens each "offense" will cost him. There are small rewards for different token amounts like playing computer for 'x' amount of time and things like that. The big reward is 500 tokens and that's usually a toy he wants or a place he wants to go. I can't tell you how many tokens he has lost for forgetting to flush the toilet or for whining about eating the dinner i've cooked. But I can also tell you it really sticks with him when i make him take those tokens out of his jar and while his lack of focus hinders his progress at times...I see an improvement already in a lot of areas such as his attitude. For the tokens I just went to Walmart and bought a bag of those decorative glass pebbles...cheap and easy.
You are ABSOLUTELY right when you say "when in rome..." Your ss is a typical child and will adapt to any behavior the parent exhibits. It has been proven that when children (especially children with adhd) are continually exposed to ill-tempered,impatient adults(BM)...they will adopt that same behavior. But then when ss is with you...he gradually adjusts to match your behavior of patient, caring, understanding. ADHD children are normally proven to be extremely astute when it comes to imitating emotions and behaviors exhibited by adults around them...sounds like the real SS is the one you see when he's with you and your husband and the other stuff is just bad influence and loyalty.
I'm sorry to ramble...I just have tons of thoughts on this stuff. I hope I've helped and I hope I make sense!
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
SS12 acts better w/ us than BM
because we don't tolerate bad/inappropriate behavior EVER. There is always a consequence. He was diagnosed with ADHD (among other things) 7 years ago and always he has done better at our house than with his BM.
One time when I was picking up, he screamed at his mom that he hated her because she said no to something. She totally let it go. I was the one that told him that was not ok and to apologize immediately. He did and then he went to sit quietly in the car. End of story. She puts up with bad behavior and excuses it...we don't. Therefore the bad behavior is greatly reduced.
You are absolutely correct that ADHD children respond to quiet, firm, consistant instruction. Continue as you have and if something isn't working try something else. Research, research, research. Have backup plans of backup plans. You seem to be on the right track.
I agree with the previous post
From experience as personally having ADHD and dealing with students with ADHD I can tell you that ADHD kids are supersentitive and need more positive reinforcement than kids with no ADHD.
I tried with my daughter and stepson a ticket system similar to the token system. We made a poster of ways they could earn tickets and how many tickets it would cost them for fun things they wanted.
We focosed on the areas that we wanted the kids to improve, such as waiting patiently, no whining, etc.. and the kids really responded well to this.
Unfortunatelly, being ADHD myself, I had a hard time sticking with it and now that I'm trying the house rules thing, my SS is not responding well to it because house rules it's too scary for him although I got him to do a lot more things with the ticket system.
I'm thinking about giving it another try and it would also help train my DH to what behavior is expected of his son since he would have to reinforce it.