13 year old boy expensive hobbies
Hi all
I have a soon to be 13 year old stepson would my DH gets visitation with. We live 8 hours away so we typically see him for a few weeks in the summer, Christmas and spring break and then random weekends here and there. We all get a long for the most part. He is being raised very differently from the way my DH and I are raising out DDs. He is very spoiled by BM. Anyways, BM and DH are trying to see if SS will want to live with us soon. SS seems to want to but I know it will be a difficult transition on everyones part. Anyway that is the background.
SS is a very smart kid, he also has ADHD. He is very obsessed with technology and gadgets. All his time is spent on these things. He has a you tube channel and is constantly either watching or recording videos. He is not into sports as he claims he is not athletic and BM has never put him into sports of any kind. He asks for chargers, wires, computer parts, etc all the time. Those are his toys. He hacks into computers and that sort of thing. I'm not sure really about that stuff. We told him that if he wants that stuff, he will have to earn it, if he lives with us. We won't be like BM and give him these things whenever he asks. Even on his visits with us, he brings a huge duffel bag of around 15 cords, a lot of giant specialized batteries, hard drives, headphones, and the like. My question is should be be steering him to be more well rounded and get into other more social things? He doesn't have many friends, if at all. He is just so laser focused on this stuff that I'm not sure if its normal or what. DH thinks that if he's earning money to buy these things, then there's nothing wrong with it. I just remember myself at that age, I was very into hanging out with friends and just having a good time. Not holed up in my room taking apart electronics. If you have a similarly aged son, please give us some insight!
Any obsession is not healthy
Any obsession is not healthy IMHO. If he moves into your home then you and DH will have to hold him to the same rules and behavioral standards that you hold your DDs to... in an age appropriate manner.
My SS was game obsessed so we eventually purged any computer games from our home. We did that when he was in 8th grade. We made him focus on his school responsibilities, sports commitments, and engaging in the real world rather than the digital world.
When he finished HS as long as he was in our home we held him to the same rules. He had responsibilities in the home and if he failed to complete them on a daily basis we shut down the internet, cable TV, etc... for the next day. If he again failed to complete his responsibilities the next AM we led him out of the front door when we left for work and left them there with no key, no food, no water (except the garden hose), until we got home at the end of the work day.
It did not take but a couple of instances of being left on the front step in his sleep shorts and T-shirt for him to gain clarity.
Your SS is 13 and should be dealt with in an age appropriate manner if he fails to comply with the household rules for behavior.
Be consistent. Whatever you and DH choose.
I have a 12 year old son that
I have a 12 year old son that has ADHD. He is very into video games and computers. He has lots of friends though. He is not athletic at all and has not played sports since he was little. I don't see a problem with him being interested in electronics. Maybe you could give him a small allowance each month and make him save up to buy new things? If you go to church he can be involved in the youth group. There might be a robotics type club in his new school?
My SS is very interested in
My SS is very interested in electronics and science. DH and I got a group of his buddies together and started a program in our area. It's called First Lego League. The kids build and program a lego robot (using a computer - teaches coding) to perform missions on a mission table. They have to start a youtube page for their team, a Facebook page, etc - all as a team. SS loved it. It has been a great experience for him and the rest of his team. Research FIRST - they have several programs based on the age of your SS.
One thing you don't want to do is try to make him something he is not. Try to work with his strengths that you may feel are negative and turn them into positives. His interest in electronics could really push him to do something great if it is fostered in the correct way. But just because you may have been into sports and hanging out with friends, that may not be his interest. But you can still foster his interests in a positive and healthy way for him so that you get a result you are looking for.
PS - Neither me nor my coach know ANYTHING about robotics, legos, or computer programming - the program is all completely self taught.
Yes, the allowance thing...is
Yes, the allowance thing...is it normal or good for the child if all he does is work for extra money to buy electronics and stuff? DH is all about him earning money (which in his case means doing work around the house) but if he was my child, I feel like he should be more well rounded and experience different things. It's an important stage in life and I just feel like he's already stunted in so many ways that constantly "working" and earning money will not be as beneficial to him in the long as learning and engaging in life. I don't know...
Um... Sounds like the kid
Um... Sounds like the kid could turn out to be pretty successful as an IT professional. I would encourage this! I don't see a lot of people who are into sports making big bucks in their adult years but I DO see a lot of people into technology making big bucks. That's where the world is heading, anyways. I'd totally help the kid stay interested in it
I feel as though a 13 year
I feel as though a 13 year old is probably not breaking into systems but moreso doing some ethical hacking, which is simply learning the art of hacking, which comes in VERY handy in the IT space and can be paid very well!
If he was in to sports
If he was in to sports instead of electronics would DH pay for it? It seems a bit unreasonable to expect SS to finance the total cost of the only hobby he is interested in. Maybe pay for part of it and have him earn the rest.
When you say "hacking" do you mean hacking into other computers or networks? That is not good. Do you know anyone that might be able to "speak his language" who could decide if he is doing anything he shouldn't be?
My exDH sounds just like your
My exDH sounds just like your SS. He spent his childhood playing video games and studying electronics. Everyone thought it was a waste of time and always pushed him in other directions. But you know what, he grew up with so much knowledge that he earns 7 figures and has since he was in his twenties. I think we sometimes look down on activities because they don't fit the norm. I agree he should have some socialization but if you completely attack his interests then you will automatically put him on the defensive.
Good luck. The SS has adhd.
Good luck. The SS has adhd. This is just the start of your wild ride. Buckle up. It's going to get worse. Make sure there is consistency always with no deviation. It will help in all decisions.
My stepson was the same way
My stepson was the same way with ADHD. He was a natural at anything having to do with computers, but didn't learn to tie his shoes until a much later age.
When my husband and I had the skids, at 14, my stepson was already helping out at the local computer store; fixing computers that people with IT degrees and computer programming experience had no idea how to fix. One day the owner of the computer store told my husband that he figured he was a savant where computers were concerned.
At 15, his mom took a few computers home that the IT professionals at her company couldn't fix. He had them fixed in a few hours and they took them back the next day. They hired him on the spot and within a year, he was making over $20 an hour supervising people that he was half the age of.
One time my husband wanted to install a computer generated thermostat in our home and planned to call an electrician for installation. My stepson watched a YouTube installation video of it and had it installed in an afternoon.
It's funny, but now that he's older, computers have just become a hobby for him. His biggest interest now is buying broken down cars and rebuilding them. He has won several car shows with his rebuilt Chevy Camaros, etc. and is now making big bucks at 18 starting out as the lead in a garage..not only fixing cars; but getting good deals on parts for the totaled ones!!
So if he was a total jock and
So if he was a total jock and only ever wanted to be out on a field or on the ice or running on a track would you be pushing him to sit down at a computer?
Would you be complaining that he never wants to sit and play Nintendo, like normal kids his age.
Would you wish that he would just shut himself into his room and play games instead of expecting you or DH to drive him to games and practices or the gym all the time?
He's found his thing, he likes it, he's good at it, leave him alone. Yes, encouraged him to go outside and be part of the family but don't try to change him.
Thanks for everyones input. I
Thanks for everyones input. I just want to clarify a few things. Both his mom and my DH (dear husband) are not tech savy at all, if anything he likes to talk to me about it the most as I am somewhat interested in it and actually know what he's talking about and I do acknowledge the fact that he's very smart when dealing with this sort of stuff. I'm sure this is the route he will go and will do very well in some area of technology. DH (dear husband) is in the trades has has his own plumbing business and I can tell he's bit bummed out that his son won't be following in his footsteps and eventually taking over the business. I've had to make him see things a different way and tell him that his son's passion is probably in a different direction. He is just developing into the total opposite of DH (dear husband) and I guess it makes him sad a bit.
Also wanted to mention that he did live with us for a couple years but BM demanded he go back to her and that we were too harsh with him (we actually disciplined him and made him follow rules.) I came into his life when he was 4 and he has known no other. He and I are pretty close actually.
I guess what grates my nerves about this mostly is the fact that when he comes over wires, cords, gadgets, batteries, etc are left out everywhere. Tools he uses to take things apart, cut up pieces, cords are plugged in and left hanging out of every outlet we have. Even if I give him a spot to do all of this in our basement, he just manages to leave things everywhere. I think it has to do with his ADHD. I have 2 little girls and having these things left out everywhere is dangerous for them. I am also the only one that notices and has to get on him every minute to clean it up. I'm not sure if this is anything, but SS also seems unsatisfied with anything pertaining to his hobby. For example, the battery is over charged, the battery is undercharged, the voltage doesn't match, stuff like that. Like if we buy him what he asks for like a remote controlled car, it is not good enough and he has to fix it. But it's not even broken. He is never just happy and it's exhausting.
The camps are a great idea but there really isn't that kind of stuff around out area. Camping and family outings are good too. Should we give him limits on technology? Just because it is his hobby and passion, doesn't mean he has to spend every waking hour on it right?
Confine it to a work area.
Confine it to a work area. Maybe give him part of the garage for a workspace.
No one controlled my dad so he has a lot of bad habits, and I'm guessing if he didn't support our family the way he does, my mom would have lost her mind a long time ago.
He NEVER eats dinner with us unless it's a holiday. My mom makes a plate and every so often he'll sneak out of his computer room and get it--we never see it, a dirty plate will just appear in the sink every so often. During stock market hours (he wrote some programs he's testing out for options trading) no one is allowed to talk to him.
Sounds like you got a Tony Stark minus the snarky attitude on your hands. Or maybe Elon Musk.
Point is, point it in a direction that will help him be financially successful in life. Have him offer his services to repair/clean up computers for neighbors/the elderly/your friends and have them pay him a little.
"Just because he likes one
"Just because he likes one thing doesn't mean he shouldn't be encouraged to try new and different things"
I would add that while it's healthy for him to try new and different things, that doesn't mean that what he currently is interested is necessarily bad.. or that what the OP might find interesting or fun will be fun or interesting for the boy.
Some people are more comfortable with team activities than others. It's important to work on those social skills, but forcing someone into an activity that they are poorly suited for isn't healthy either.
No I definitely would not
No I definitely would not force him either way. It took a bit of persuading but one summer I signed up him for swim lessons that he thought was ok. I've also signed him up for summer day camps when he was younger so he could play and have fun. He didn't mind those either. But as hes getting older, I'm just worried that he will focus all his energy into this one area and neglect all other parts of his life. For example, I still have to tell him to flush the toilet and brush his teeth. He also doesn't do homework unless you are there watching him.
DH is kind of useless
DH is kind of useless unfortunately when it comes to day to day parenting. He acknowledges this fact. I take care of the DDs 90% of the time with DH "helping". When SS comes over, I am also his primary care taker and has been this way and SS sees me as a mother figure. He respects me. DH is just not nurturing at all. I have come to accept it. I do point out every time I have to correct SS and this annoys DH.
I'm afraid of that also...
I'm afraid of that also...
There is a huge difference
There is a huge difference between someone who is obsessed with technology where they like what they can do ON it and someone who has an obsession with technology in terms of building it and how it works. My sister is the first--loves the games and the social media and all that stuff, my dad is the second. SS is, from the looks of it, the second. He likes the creation and the building and taking apart and figuring out how to make it more efficient, etc. Just like there's a huge difference between a kid who is obsessed with watching anime, and one who draws and earns money off a webcomic. one is a consumer, one is a creator of content.
Both can be social disasters with terrible interpersonal skills though.
well SS plays a lot of games
well SS plays a lot of games as well. It's hard to say with group he would fall in with.
Dupe.
Dupe.
Ye-aaaah. I should also
Ye-aaaah. I should also mention my dad lost all the hair on the top of his head in his 20's after working 6 months on a program for Chase... He blames the fact that he forgot to shower... or eat regular meals... or change his clothes....
I mean it did give him the capital to start his own company but... I don't know. I think baldness was a huge price to pay for that.
Once he's an adult he will and can do whatever he wants. But right now I think it's good to TRY and make him keep good hygiene. He'll do whatever he wants as an adult, obviously, but you can try. (My grandmother was a dentist and she didn't let him have sweets... now he's never without a giant bowls of candy/chocolate/snacks within reach.)
I was not so much focused on
I was not so much focused on the "forced" aspect (even though I mentioned it at the end).. but more on the types of activities.
For example, just because someone loves to skydive.. doesn't mean that "I" would enjoy it.
I did parasailing once...
I did parasailing once... once is the key word there lol. I spent a lot of time worrying about equipment failure...getting sucked under by the parachute... and looking for sharks!
I am not a fan of heights.
I don't have a son like this
I don't have a son like this but I have a dad like this--started when technology first came out and literally hasn't stopped since. He's on the computer every waking moment. I have more conversations with him over email/message/text in a week than I have physically hearing his voice in the last year.
Owner of several multi-million dollar companies (one tech, one shipping, and one agricultural) but can't lift a heavy thing to save his life.
Computers are still hot stuff so thank god your SS found something that he likes that can ALSO earn a shitload of money. That's really the best thing.
Ok I guess this is just how
Ok I guess this is just how he is. We are moving in June and will have a big garage. I will keep a workshop area open for him to use. In the past, he gone through out old stuff and and just took it apart without us knowing because he wanted a certain part. And left all the left over pieces all over the floor.
He has to ask first and clean
He has to ask first and clean it up. There are rules of politeness to be followed. As long as he can remember them, leave him alone. Also, if he gets a chance and his school has it (most do) have him join the science olympiads. They go to competitions and stuff and it's pretty awesome (I was on the team during middle school.)
He sounds like a genius and
He sounds like a genius and his hobby should be encouraged. Yes he should clean up after himself and have a designated space for all of his items. So he's not athletic, oh well, a lot of people aren't. You may have a future Bill Gates in your home.
My teen boys are very athletic and I give them whatever they need to succeed. I spend a lot of money on shoes and entry fees for my runner and gear and classes for my wanna be ninja. They do chores and get good grades so they do *earn* their way. My oldest just got a full ride athletic scholarship so investing in him and his interests has paid off, no tuition bills for me, yay!
Just think, if this kid continues his smarts could pay his own way in college. Yes encourage what he's good at and don't try to make him *well-rounded* aka average.
He is very smart but it only
He is very smart but it only manifests itself through technology. His grades are pretty bad and he has no motivation to do homework or keep his grades up. And by well rounded, I actually mean well rounded not average. But really if his parents are not worried, who am i to justify all this time worrying...
Have his parents looked into
Have his parents looked into enrolling him in a STEM Charter school? If that's an option where he lives he may do very well in that environment.