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Don’t want to Engage!

step-out's picture

I'm trying so hard... I'm trying to no longer be a part of this skid crap that's left me with PTSD. But... DH says --- oh let's invite SD over for M day... I am like... are you flipping kidding me? I don't want to see her at all if I don't HAVE to! But... DH says... if I don't, then MIL will be pissed off and hate me, DH will be mad, and SD... we already hate each other... fun times!!! So... I have no family or kids here, my mom is out of state.. and I have to hang out with that?!? My anxiety level is through the roof... AND SS is coming in town next Friday and they still haven't communicated staying plans... 


futurobrillante99's picture

Time to book a stay at a hotel for Saturday night and all day Sunday.

I don't mean to be mean but your husband is a wimp because he's more afraid of his mother being upset with him than you

Gimlet's picture

DH says... if I don't, then MIL will be pissed off and hate me, DH will be mad,

So basically your husband is telling you that he's going to disregard your boundaries because he's too afraid to stand up to his mother and he would rather sacrifice your emotional well-being than to have that uncomfortable conversation himself.

I would not stick around the house for that and if he gets upset that you're leaving, that's even more telling.

GrudgingSM's picture

Nope. Do not cave! Your MIL doesn't get to set the terms of how you engage with your step child. And frankly to a super large degree neither does your DH. Do something kind for yourself. See your mom, or just to make plans to be out with friends that day anyway. If they invite you to stuff, you can just say sorry I'm already busy. But you do not live to please MIL. You do not have to walk on the eggshells your DH does. There is no making a personality type like that happy.

BPDHell's picture

Nope. Let them be mad. A few years ago I decided mother's day means I get to do what I want, not what everyone else expects of me! So, I started hiking with my daughter on that day. I take care of all my daughterly obligations on Saturday and have Sunday to myself and my kid (the one that still lives near me lol). It's pretty fantastic, I highly recommend it! Everyone else can go be mad somewhere else. Their feelings are not my responsibility.


tog redux's picture

Why does SD get invited to her father's house on Mother's Day? And what does MIL's opinion on who you have over have to do with anything?

Also - don't give in out of fear that people will be mad, set the boundary that you don't want her over. Let DH be mad. Let MIL hate you. The alternative is that YOU will be mad and resentful. 

Harry's picture

She wants to be the. MOTHER.  So DH rather you be mad at him, Then his mother being mad at him.  That her son, she can't be mad at him, she can't leave him.  You on the other hand can.   Back to Just Say NO.  You are not giving up your day. 
SS can stay where ever he wants except your home. Back to Just Say NO.  

hereiam's picture

I'm sorry, why would you want your SD over for Mother's Day? What is wrong with your husband for even suggesting this? And what does your MIL have to do with what you do on Mother's Day?

DH says... if I don't, then MIL will be pissed off and hate me, DH will be mad, and SD...

Seriously, tell them all to f^ck off. So ridiculous. Do not let him railroad you.

My DH does honor me on Mother's Day (though I have no bios) but he does not include my SD. He does it to thank me for all of the years that I a have been there for him, all of the years that I have supported him as a father, for all the years of being SD's step mother, but he has never made me spend a Mother's Day with his daughter. That would be unacceptable.

Please do not allow him to do this. It is disrespectful, he knows this in not what you want.