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How do you all feel as an outsider?

step-out's picture

How do you feel when you are around your SO and his kids? Maybe even with more extended family? Do you feel lost, sad, left out? How do you push through those feelings or do you? I dread when I have to be around DH and his kids, etc. I pretty much don't get asked any questions or acknowledged and that IS my love language. I am not good at it, it makes me feel horrible, anxious and sad... 


Merry's picture

I am definitely the outsider, at least around his kids. Being around his siblings is fine.

It's not as bad as it was, though. The trips down "memory lane" and "first family" stories have pretty much stopped. They used to go on for HOURS. I don't mind them talking about their shared experiences so much, but it was constant and I was actively excluded. But they didn't MEAN to be rude. That's BS, and DH played right along.

So I play with the grandkids, go for a walk, act like I'm engrossed in the stupid television show, force myself to engage in conversation.

DH and I do have an agreement that, whenever we are in a group of people--his family,  my family, work event, whatever-- that we periodically check in with each other to make sure we're both good. That helps a lot in not feeling trapped.

tog redux's picture

I really did not ever feel that way. But it's just one stepkid and he liked me from the beginning, so we all had fun together.  And DH's family accepted me as well, without any issues.  DH would not have tolerated any of them treating me like an outsider - so yours needs to make that stop happening.

missgingersnap2021's picture

If you have read my blogs than you know I feel this way too. It's ironic you posted this today because earlier today I was thinking if I had to draw a picture for a therapist to show how I feel ( you know like they do with kids) my pic would have DH,SD, DHs brother and his wife, DHs niece and her husband and even my dog all on one side and me on the other side of the pic by myself.
My trigger for this? His niece posted pics on FB saying the best part of her pregnancy was when they did the gender reveals ( which they did several times with different chunks of family) and their were pics of her husbands whole family in some, DHs brother and his wif in others and the third batch? SD and DH sitting in our kitchen biting into the cupcakes to see if the middle was blue or pink. Where was I? Standing off to the side on the other side of the kitchen. Just like her baby shower I wasn't asked to be in the pics. I had forgotten about this incident since it was months ago. The post opened up an old wound. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

It bothered me at one point, but when I saw how strange DH's family is, I relished being an outside and opted out.

strugglingSM's picture

Three ways I feel like an outsider:

1) DH's family plans always revolve around SSs. Doesn't matter if DH and I can't attend.

2) I'm not included in family conversations, even when other wives are included. If any conversation involves SSs, I'm definitely not included. It's like I don't exist as far as they are concerned.

3) This is the one that really bothers me - on social media, some of DH's friends and family will like any picture posted of SSs, but will only like a photo of DD (DH's daughter, so just as much a relative to them) if SSs are in it.

I once complained to my counselor that I hated being around DH's family because I felt like such an outsider. She told me that I shouldn't take it personally because they treat DH like he's an outsider, too...and she's not wrong. 

Kes's picture

I disengaged from SD26 and SD24 about 18 yrs ago, and didn't do any days or meals out, trips or anything during that time, with them and DH.  However in the last few years I told DH that I didn't want to be excluded any more, and since then he has only done one visit to an exhibition, on his own with SD24, because I didn't want to go.  Disengagement was the least worst solution all those years, but it made me feel lonely and excluded - through my own choice, admittedly, but inclusion would have made me feel worse. The SDs have matured a little bit and don't behave quite so awfully these days.