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Any help appreciated from you straight talking ladies 'across the pond' the 'Nightmare'

States75's picture here and my first post...just writing this was therapy itself....LOL!!! Smile Smile

Quick background: BF….although we were supposed to be married last September….although I called it off b/c of these underlying issues…but just said I got cold feet as I knew he couldn’t/wouldn’t accept that as the reason. He has 2 daughters, 1 is about to turn 20 in the next week, the other will be 18 at the end of August. Eldest goes to Uni but comes back every w/e to work the other is planning to move in when she has finished college, she is trying to make it as a musician –I have no problem myself with YSD she is lovely. He has been divorced for over 10 years, the BM has now remarried. She doesn’t like her Stepdad, although she is willing to let her put software on her PC etc etc. She also has a love/hate relationship with her mum…I can’t keep up with I myself!!!
This girl, sorry ‘woman’ has tried to split us up pretty much from day one.


1. After about a month of dating, we were out one night and he had come back to mine, she text him to say that she was scared in the house on her own could he come back (at nearly 18)…yep he went!!!!

2. Twitter posts about me including “Please don’t think you are gunna be here and I’m actually going to be polite? One word answers is all youre getting #pissoff #twat #leach”, “Sleep and not desperate to go out with dad and his ergh girlfriend #brilliant”, “stayaway” and when we had a split last year “well that was a bit of good news I wasn’t expecting #knew it # always right #byebye”.

3. Also posted a picture of her parents kissing on their wedding day “They did love each other one #broken #mum and Dad.”

4. Cannot look me in the eye when speaking to me, is moody, and doesn’t engage in conversation unless she is talking AT you. Generally anything to make me feel uncomfortable.

5. Returned from a holiday in the States to find the pile of my clothes that were on the bed in the spare room were on the floor. Also my body scrub had been taken from our bathroom and was now in hers plus a condition of mine was missing (never found that…lol).

6. Every holiday we have been on there have been constant calls & texts. E.g Whilst in Bali one night she called in the early hours of the morning as she had a ‘problem with her b/f – on our return no mention of said ‘problem’. Whilst in Spain one call was to ask where the vases were as her b/f had bought her flowers (she lives in the house….so where they always were). In the States a call on out first day (when she had been at ours the night before) to ask her dad to sign a lease for her student accommodation which had to be done there and then etc etc ….you get the picture.

7. On more than 1 occasion I have prepared large meals (1 especially to meet her new boyfriend)…then miraculously shortly before we are due to serve etc. she has other plans/won’t be attending.

8. Her dad and I had gone out for the night and met friends of mine; we returned and couldn’t get a taxi back to the house. It was freezing and raining. She refused to come and collect us, it was only a 10 minute round trip in a car her dad had bought her, insured, taxed etc. etc.

9. We went to a concert her sister was performing at and completely ignored me there. When we got home she decided to ‘hold court’ at the dining table with SO’s friends (SO and I sat at the table as he knew I couldn’t bear the situation) and talked about how she would be coming back from Unit every weekend. The concert was also the first time I had met BM so the fact that she ignored me, I felt made me look like a complete idiot.

10. One evening she called her dad and asked what we were having for dinner. He said I was making stir fry. She asked if she and a friend could join us. He said yes so I went out and bought more ingredients etc etc. I got back and her and her 3 friends were sat at the table waiting for a pre packed lasagne that she had bought.

11. Made a point of specifically waning just her Dad and sister to pick her up on her return from holiday even though she knew I would be there.

12. Totally ignored me at a family lunch….again it made me feel like such an idiot having to make small talk at the table and her not even acknowledging my existence.

13.The 1 time I had friends over for dinner….she turned up (as she had ran off to her aunt’s) saw my friends just arriving (her dad had told her what we were doing that evening) and burst out crying…blah, blah, blah…SO went off upstairs with her and I was left with our guests that arrived and had to witness this from a 19 year old woman. WTF….WTF….WTF!!!!LOL.

14. Mysteriously a notebook appeared in a basket of my clothes in our room, I opened and there was all this spiteful stuff bout SO’s 2nd wife…like how she doesn’t do her washing properly so she didn’t want her to do it…but then the next page complaining she wasn’t doing it…?!? I put it down then….scary!!!!!

15. Calls when we have gone to bed…when she is in the driveway !!!!

I could go on but you get the picture. I have done nothing but try my hardest and put in a lot of effort with this girl (although now I realise that was probably not the right thing to do)…but I wanted to let you all know I really have tried my best.

I think she is ‘entitled’. She went to private school, got all her driving lessons paid for her, failed her test so Dad paid for an intensive course, bought her a car, taxes it, insures it etc …then she asks for services on the car. Pays her mobile telephone bill. He buys her Karen Millen dresses for no reason and Benefit makeup because she was feeling low. She has since being a teenager had a £400 per month ‘allowance’ but never has any problem asking for more money as and when she needs it and always says she is broke now she is a student (dad still gives her the £400 allowance and she works a day and a half at the weekend). She wanted a Mac for Uni (he bought her a new laptop the previous year on the understanding she would keep HER bathroom clean….did she nope….any consequences….you bet your life not!!), dad said he would lend her the money….BM said she would give her £200….guess what I don’t think it was a loan from dad anymore. I could go on….BUT I AM SURE YOU CAN SEE ….THIS IS CRAZY!!!!! She never does anything around the house and gets mad when she is asked to clear the table or put her stuff in the dishwasher.

I think she is most definitely a narcissist as she is NEVER wrong or apologises, she is very self-centred…yes the whole world does revolve around her (so sorry all you other SD’s out there that think it revolves around them….LOL), everything has to be about her (she is even like that with her sister...pulling faces when her dad said he would buy sister a car…if looks could kill), every little thing is a drama with tears, tantrums walking out, she falls out with ‘best friends’ often then makes up, vents such anger on Twitter. Treats the house as is she runs it….even getting a key cut for her boyfriend (now ex) without telling/asking her dad. As soon as she arrives her presence changes the entire mood of the house.

As with many of you I fell she is disrespectful to not only me but her father. Little acknowledgement of Father’s Day: one Twitter post said “#HappyFathersDay luckily my Dad has forgotten today too” – she had been reminded about it by YOUNGER sister so she knew about it and also posted the comment!!! The next Father’s Day she said she would buy him a shirt….she didn’t know we had started seeing each other again – we went away for the weekend and he told her he was going with me….needless to say the shirt never materialised and he received a pad which said ‘Grumpy Old Man’ on the front. On his birthday he is lucky to receive a card. However her birthday is next week….heaven forbid if that was forgotten…Twitter comments “’link to Tiffany’s website…Birthday Present idea #daddy”. Etc etc. Only once has he actually admitted that he finds this kind of hurtful and then stuck his head back in the sand. She refuses to do anything around the house and disses him for nagging etc when he asks her to do anything.

Yet on the other hand she calls herself a Daddy’s girl….WTF?!?! She does the usual stuff of talking about the old times, looking through pictures etc etc, calling texting when we are on holiday/out. We went to the Olympics in London…first thing she asked how much did that cost….I want to. It is like he can not spend any money on me without her getting the a*se, wanting the same. He had a picture of her ‘last year best friend’ with him as his screen saver…I found this a bit weird. Her friends come in and treat the place as their own…just seems a bit OTT sometimes. And of course since I came on the scene she doesn’t feel it is the same with me, she sees him enough blah, blah, blah. Asks him to do lots of ‘little’ things for her….is this emotional incest/mini wife syndrome. He moved to a flat specifically so that she could move in with him and so they have probably lived together for 5 years or so. Funny thing is when we started seeing each other again last year she acknowledged he was happy…if you love him so much then let him be happy.
He talks about her and her behaviour constantly but I ‘can’t’ say anything otherwise apparently I am trying to keep them apart.

We had a great sex life but then I just started to go off ‘off it/him’….having read a lot about this now I can see the link I think: feelings of resentment, being ‘the other woman’, seeing a man not having the backbone to stand up to his daughter is a turn off??? Any thoughts????

Apparently though the crisis in our relationship is my fault as I “can’t get past the issue of SD” and I obviously don’t want it to work because I slated her; that was just 2 years of biting my tongue, anger, being emotionally abused and then him telling me that he had know about her ‘behaviour’ for sometime and that she had basically subjected his 2nd (now ex) wife and ex-girlfriend to similar behaviour!!!!!!!!!

Could someone please, please assure me that this is not necessarily my fault/problem?????? Disney Dad, Guilty Dad, Mini Wife syndrome???? I feel like my self-esteem is shot to pieces and I feel like I am living a real-life nightmare. I have never experienced anything like this before….but I really don’t think this is ‘normal’…although unfortunately it might be common…arrrgghhhh. Rather his/hers/their problem? And any help on how to address/get over the resentment would be great!!!! Literally the sound of her name makes my head spin!!!!!

Many thanks for reading and apologies for the long post!!!


whatwasithinkin's picture

I skimmed the highlights of this post.

Some I can truly identify with.

Living in silence, learn to accept it and ignore her. Period and of discussion

Disengaged someone here please post that information for OP I dont know where it is. But keep in mind disengaging is different in every situation. For me it meant ignoring her, not taking her places, not buying her things, holding DH responsible for her care doctors appointments. clothing and school needs. mental health.

But I still cook dinner, I still clean the house. I will not allow her to take on the "wife" or "mother" position in taking care of this house and family which is what my SD wants.

So find areas you can successfully and mentally handle disengaging in and do it.

She is 18 that's a good thing.

Twitter, yeah we have the twitter passive agressive bull shit here too.
DH has been spoke to about it numerous times and has done nothing about it but "talk" to SD. So now, if she posts on Twitter a passive aggressive remark I post on FB a passive aggressive remark. Seems to have slowed it down because DH can see my FB but SD cant but both he and I can see her twitter so he knows I am ready to blow. Her twitter remarks and bullshit remarks have destroyed any and all relationships I have with DH family which is fine because I dont like them anyway.

It is not you, if you baby her or if your just as ignorant as she is your damned if you do damned if you dont.

This 18 year old adult bullshit is why I want DH daughter out when she graduates and I have laid the law about her leaving next June 30 it is her or me, and if she leaves and has no where to go and he has to go with her I understand but I wont tolerate this passive aggressive stuff from an 18 year old that is an adult. If she were to stay after graduation I have made it clear that the gloves are off and we are handling this mono mono adult to adult and I handle adults much differently then I handle children.

Start to disengage this is a mind game and takes a while but you can identify the area's so you'll get it!

Delilah's picture

That "allowance" is ridiculous btw and your sd is spoilt!!

Are you living with your bf? If so, why are you allowing your sd20 to move back in? Do you not get asked whether you are happy for this to happen?

Sounds to me like you have to face up to the fact that you have not helped yourself in this situation by ignoring bad behaviour from your partner and his bratty daughter, by continuing to try while she laughs in your face, by not telling your BF straight up why you cancelled the wedding and your sex life is going out the window (his continued enabling of his adult child's aggressive, jealous behaviour towards you), by giving your bf mostly everything he would love to have from a relationship while not expecting the same to be reciprocated!!

You have two choices: carry on as you are and the writing is on the wall - this is how things will be and you will never be truly happy as bf will continue treating you as a second class citizen and blaming you for everything


CHANGE how you interact with him and his family. I always say, you should treat others as they treat you. So if bf refuses to prioritise you, then WTF are YOU doing by making him numero one in your life? STOP. If he can't put his phone off while he is with you, then you do not go out with him or on holiday (doesnt mean YOU stop going out/on hols - just not with him). Yes its hard denying yourself these treats in life also, however is it worth it when the end result is the never ending cycle of your sd being top dog and ruling your life?

Completely disengage from sd. That doesnt mean be rude, angry or nasty. It means you simply do not contend with BS from her. No more cooking, no more trying to talk or interact with her/buy her gifts. BF has a problem with that? Tough. You are no one's fool and when someone treats you like crap then the welcome mat gets chewed up and you do not want to know until they get their shit together. She is 20 not 2!

If you do live there, then I would consider moving out. Tell him you have every right to live in a safe, happy home.

Its time you get your spine back and stop allowing this family to walk all over you as if you do not matter. You do. Your happiness is just as valid and important as precious sd, do not allow ANYONE to tell you any differently.

catgirl's picture

What I think is the most telling about this is that your SO told you that his daughter has subjected his previous girlfriends to this as well. That should be your biggest clue to realizing that this is not you - it's about his SD and the relationship between her and her father.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I don't think this situation is going to change. It sounds like your SO has gone wrong in his parenting of SD somewhere along the line and failed to set boundaries with her. As his girlfriend, you should at least expect to be treated with civility by SD if friendliness is too much to ask. This girl is 18, there's no excuse for the kind of behaviour that she is displaying.

You need to have a long, hard think about what you're expecting to get out of this relationship. I'm not saying that you should leave your SO, but I agree with WhatwasIthinkin that you might want to think about disengaging from your SD.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on.

oneoffour's picture

Run. Away. Fast.
This man is the problem. The only common denominator in all of this is him and his daughter. Do you live with him? If so talk about getting a smaller place. See if he will think about 'downsizing'. If he refuses to even consider finding a smaller 2 bedroom place for you and him because his daughters need somewhere to live, then he is not so much in love with you as he is with them.
400 pounds a month is ridiculous. And he has created this monster for himself by not allowing his daughter to become a self supporting adult.

So I would see what he says about moving on and downsizing. If he refuses, there is your answer. There are men out there who have reasonable kids who like the fact their Dad has a nice wife. They may not consider you their mother but they will be respectful. Oh and in the meantime, no more cooking extra for her and her friends. Just cook for you and SO.

oldone's picture

Tell your SO to let his daughter grow up. He's done her no service by still letting her act like a 5 year old.

Kes's picture

I will read this long post later when I have more time - I noticed someone asked for the disengaging essay - here it is, plus info on Step family dynamics, and we also tend to recommend the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It's excellent. Nice to have another Brit here, there aren't that many, welcome!

States75's picture

Hi whatwasithinking…..brilliant username btw….sums me up perfectly I think….LOL. Thank you for your response…I really appreciate it. Smile Smile Smile Smile

It is actually the 20 year old that is the problem (I love the 18 year old and really enjoy her company…even she says her sister is ‘weird’….hahahah). 20 year old in her 1st year of Uni. She deferred a year even though the tuition fees tripled in UK in 2012 so she will have a HUGE debt at the end of Uni but would she listen to Dad….nope!!! She wanted to stay at home with Dad as I was moving in to his house at the time and she wanted to be mini wife to him and ‘wifey’ to her boyfriend at the time. She wants to be seen as an adult but has ZERO responsibility as an adult…IMO.! He Uni is about an hours drive away so she comes back every weekend for 2/3 days as she works here…she could get a transfer but hasn’t been able to so far…for reasons beyond my knowledge.

I did try to disengage…I didn’t actually know that was what it was called at the time (only found you amazing ladies a month ago LOL)…I just went to my parents and friends at the weekends…but I just did it because I couldn’t stand being in the same room as her so I didn’t say anything to BF b/c as I said I really felt I couldn’t.
Brilliant point you make about continuing to do the cooking and cleaning….she can’t do/doesn’t want to do either and I don’t mind doing that…in fact cooking is a pleasure for me…only thing is I am veggie so she won’t eat anything of mine and looks down her nose at it…so always 2 meals if I cook for all 3 etc….arrggghhhhh!!!

I admire your ‘gloves off’ approach and I couldn’t agree more re. adult v adult…after all she does all the things an adult does…drinks, drives, sex etc etc. Just not sure how BF would take it….I am a lawyer and so can be v v argumentative…..LOL and would probably tear her to shreds whilst she had a crying fit…he would say ‘States75 that’s enough’….never mind all the BS I have had to put up with…..ohhhhh….what fun!!!!

Thank you again….I really appreciate your time. Disengaging sounds like something I would be up for…with the added ‘benefits’ of cooking and cleaning Wink Wink Wink

States75's picture

Hi Delilah….thank you for getting back to me.

Re. Allowance…more like RIDICULOUS X1,000,000 and more!!! I literally couldn’t believe it when I heard that. But moreover it is the fact that she literally never does anything around the house to ‘earn’ such a privilege. I got ‘pocket money’ when I was younger and I had to earn it…bedroom tidy (and it was checked every week), doing the dishes, paining the fence, cleaning, helping with dinner preparations etc etc. I was like WTF!!!

I am currently on a ‘break’ at my parents…literally could not stand it anymore until I got my head together. She is at Uni but it is only an hours drive away…she comes home at weekends for work…see the part of my post where she told SO’s friends that she would ‘BE BACK’ (insert Arny voiceover) ever weekend…she could have got a transfer…but to date that has not materialised.

Yes…I totally see now that I have not helped myself…which annoys the hell out of me….I am not a ‘stupid’ individual and I (used to think) I had a lot of common sense…I just wanted peace in the house and as I said I knew he would be defensive. In my head I knew the situation was crackers but didn’t know if that was just ‘step’ kids. I have 2 nephews and a niece and I treat them as I would expect children to be treated….firm, but fair, they know the boundaries with me but I tell them I love them etc. They have fun with me and they v rarely play up with me…if they do they face the consequences even when my brother and wife are there.

Totally agree with treating others as you would expect to be treated…I was brought up the same way. Fab idea about holidays on my own…I have travelled the Far East and Oz on my own so I have no problems hopping on a plane solo…lol…although he does…wants to be with me.....LMFAO!!!!

Thanks for the pet talk re. the way people treat me….when I have been in the thick of things I always think it is me...but I know I am not a bad person…I have a massive circle of friends….obviously if I was a selfish, ignorant, horrid person…this wouldn’t be the case….funny enough…he doesn’t have that many friends at all…..always found that ‘odd’….although he likes to talk about the women in his office a lot….even though he has described me as the most beautiful woman he has been with…..hmmmmmm who’s the one with problems????

Thank you for your time, really appreciate it xx

States75's picture

Hi Catgirl…thank you for your post.

Yes I know….it was only a month ago he presented me with that ‘little gift’ about previous g/f’s (one of them was his second wife not BM) only a month ago but I already had my suspicions. Of course you only hear ‘their’ side of the story but I have an excellent memory and building ‘cases’ is my profession so I was able to fill in some of the gaps of the ‘real’ story. His second wife was only about 14 years older than his daughter and I don’t think she stood a chance…they BOTH slag her off…I know for a fact he would ‘take sides’ with his daughters over such things as table manners and purposely make her look like an idiot….way to go Einstein!!!!! Thank you for the confirmation it’s not me….it’s just when you are told/it is implied that you are it is very hard as a ‘normal’ human being not to start self doubting….uuurrrrggghhh!!!! Silly me!!!!! Wink Wink

I agree, I think he has completely been parenting in a ‘guilty dad/Disney dad’ fashion….I think the divorce was very pleasant and they both slated the other parent in front of the children…in fact I had to ask him to stop doing it myself as it just didn’t ‘feel’ right. Plus I felt…STOP LIVING IN THE PAST…..BORING, BORING hearing about ex did this, blah, blah, blah!!!! LOL.

She is actually the 20 year old…civility does not exist...I have never known anything like it…I have cousins of this age that wouldn’t DARE act like that to anyone….let alone someone they shared a house with…it is the most bizarre behaviour I have ever witnessed!!!!!! Oh and BTW she has said on Twitter that I need help….LMFAO!!!! Civility is too much to ask for….it’s all about her feelings remember….LOL!!!!!!

Yes….lots to ‘think’ about. Just angry that these ‘beings’ think that can control adults relationships, adults etc etc…where the hell did respect, understanding and compassion disappear to?? VERY, VERY WEIRD!!!!

Thanks again xx

Kes's picture

Having read your post now, and some of the replies, I agree with those that said your SO has created the monster through his ridiculously permissive behaviour towards her, tolerating and rewarding her bad behaviour etc etc.

He needs to create firm boundaries for this young woman - she is no longer a girl and in fact has been a legal adult in the UK for 2 years now. I would NOT have agreed to her living in the house - bearing in mind the way she treats you - I would have preferred that he contributed some finance towards her having her own bedsit or whatever - anything to get her away from you.

NONE of this is your fault - it is totally your SO's fault through his inability to set boundaries for this obnoxious daughter of his. Frankly, I would give him an ultimatum that unless boundaries are set forthwith, it is a deal breaker for your relationship. Good luck! Smile

States75's picture

Hi Kes…thank you for the links…I will have a read. I already order Stepmonster, it arrived a week ago and I have read it cover to cover in a week…LOL.

The scary thing is that I find it impossible to comprehend how a man I admired for his intellect can not address the issue. She has no consequences for her behaviour…which drives me NUTS!!!! Crazy situation…but even more crazy etc that it is apparently ‘my issue’ for not being able to get ‘past it’….WTF x1 trillion!!!!!!

Thanks again!

States75's picture

Hi Kes....thanks for the second post. The idea of a bedsit would be heaven....we are great when she is not in the picture and when I say that I mean not talking about her etc etc. Unfortunatley that will not ever happen...he feels that he needs to 'provide' somewhere where they can call home b/c BM is a nightmare...not really sure how much of that is true...but hey ho!!! My arguement is that if she isn't at least civil does she deserve this?!?!

Lots to think about!!! Thank you so much for your input and for confirming my belief that it 'isn't' me.

Best wishes

States75's picture

Hi Tog,

Yes, I couldn't agree with you more. I was brought up recognising respect, compassion etc etc and the funny thing is so was my SO but how he thinks he shouldn't 'pass down' these balues and morals to his own children is beyond me. If you have 'cash to splash' on them...fine but they must be taught to be appreciative of this etc etc and 'earn' some of that.

He took her and a friend to New York for a long weekend (from UK) before...they got upgraded as he used to travel a lot with work....she said she never wanted to fly economy again...the look on my face must have said it all...he quickly said 'she was joking though'....I don't think soooooooo....hahahah Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile Smile

States75's picture

Hi Oldone,

I have tried that one.....'Oh that's just SD'.....OMG!!!!

I refuse to go on any holidays with her as I feel I would be embarrased at SO being a walking ATM, passifying her every mood, babying her and making sure she is OK is a $750 per night villa in Bali etc etc.....urrrrrgggghhhhh.....LOL :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

States75's picture

Hi Kristinch1,

Thanks for your reply! He isn't opposed to therapy...he went last Nov/Dec...not sure what he said to this therapsit...I didn;t even know he was going...but he say the therapist told him to tell me "that he really wants me etc etc"....ummmmmm...that is not the problem!!!!

He has started going again and says that he will "take care of the future"..whatever the hell that means in "Daddy World".

You are right...none of us is happy at the moment...I have told him to get back to me once he has had a "lightbulb" moment....could be waiting a long time....LOL Smile Smile

It just seems sooooooooooooooo crazy that he can't see it.

Thanks again

Bojangles's picture

I understand how difficult it is to handle a child who is technically an adult when they behave this way. Your instinct is to make an effort, and turn the other cheek hoping that at some point there will be a breakthrough and your tolerance will pay off without you having to have an unpleasant confrontation. With a SD who is fundamentally nice but has trouble adjusting to her parent having a new partner that strategy may bear fruit. But your SD seems to be spoiled and manipulative, and given her track record with SO's previous partners and her fathers refusal to take responsibility for her behaviour is sounds like your childult is going to continue exactly the same behaviour unless something happens to change it. 've got a few suggestions:
1. You need couples counselling, with someone specialising in family and stepfamily issues. My DH had counselling and it made not a jot of difference to our relationship. A lot of men are in denial about their problems and behaviour esp regarding their ex and children, so fail to work on it effectively if they are counselled in a vacuum. It was only when we went together that any progress was made.
2. Be honest with your SO about why you could not go through with a wedding. You may want to do this in your first counselling session in an environment where he will be forced to really hear and deal with what you are saying, or tell him in order to show him that counselling is necessary. You say he couldn't/wouldn't accept his daughters behaviour as a reason - he must be brought to understand the impact of his daughters behaviour on your relationship or you will forever feel unsupported, hurt and resentful and it will be corrosive to your relationship.
3. Occupy your territory. In your case disengaging should not mean being chased out of your home when she is there. You have your own family and lots of friends, have them round, often, when she is there. She can bandstand and weep all she wants, the more she does it the more likely SO is to see through it.
4. Quietly and calmly withdraw all services for SD. Cleaning, laundry, cooking (unless there are leftovers from your meal) and taxiing. She is 20, she is not your child, she is frequently rude and ungrateful, you are under no obligation to look after her. If SO wants to mollycoddle her then that is up to him, for now, and hopefully a good counsellor will help him see that he is enabling unacceptable behaviour and help him put some boundaries in place.

Shook's picture

Runnnnn! Now! At least until she turns 18, out of the house & working. She'll concentrate on you a lot less when she's busy trying to grow up. Wait "it" out until then Smile

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

It is not you!!!! And your BF is gaslighting you when he tries to insinuate that you need to be more understanding or whatever.

"He talks about her and her behaviour constantly but I ‘can’t’ say anything otherwise apparently I am trying to keep them apart."

You have NO VOICE, this is so obviously not you. You have been smothered and stomped on by both the SD and BF. You are beginning to question yourself, (I did too when my SD treated me badly).

Firm boundaries need to be put in place by your BF. She should NOT be allowed to stay in the home and treat you like this. This is a no brainer - it is your home too!!

Stand up for yourself and do not allow her to treat you this way. Your BF will not do it so do it your self. Call her out on her rudeness - if she says something rude, ask her to repeat herself. She will start to crumble if you stand up to her.

Also, disengage - DO NOT DO ANYTHING FOR HER. No cooking, no laundry, no shopping NOTHING. She is a grown woman and you are not obligated to cater to her. She is not your friend, family or minor child. She is nothing to you. Let her go.

Frankly I truly believe you would be happier in your own place without all the drama. You could still see BF but at your place and SD should NEVER be allowed at your place since she chooses to be disrespectful to you.

Good luck.

States75's picture

Bonjangles...hello and thanks for your reply....

Yes, I think you are spot on with my and probably most women's instinct to make an effort etc etc. But I really do now realise and understand that a) That she is probably only laughing behind my back at any effort whilst twisting the knife another 180 degrees b) This adds fuel to her fire as she knows I will just try harder, carry on being nice etc and c) IT WON'T WORK WITH HER!!!.

I really appreciate all your great advice and will start some some of 'implementation plan'. I already implemented the withdrawing of 'service' LOL...I asked SO what he thought I should do with regard to tidying her room, cleaning her bathroom...he said just do what you feel you want to do....OH EASY THEN NOTHING!!!!!!!!....I have carried on doing it for the younger daughter with whom I have had none of this cr*p ...unbelieveable how different two sisters can be.

Thanks again. Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Bojangles's picture

"What really does effect your marriage are futile talks you have with your husband about her, when he gets on the defense and blames you."

Totally totally agree with this. I bitterly resent the countless hours and days of my life wasted on this dance. OP needs to take the power away from DH as well by making her own decisions about HER relationship with SD and implementing them. It is futile to keep referring decisions to DH when he doesnt have the perspective or the resolve to assert her right to be treated respectfully.

States75's picture

20 Years....thank you for your post

I get everything you are saying. I have indeed felt like I have been smothered and stomped on, plus a few other choice phrases, by the both of them. Which I know is why I feel soooooooo much resentment towards them both right now.

I feel she gets away with murder...quite literally.... and I have never known her have any consequences fact more like the other way round.....we were on holiday in Spain and the one thing he asked her to do was to empty the bins (trash) and take it to the refuse place .... 5 minute drive.....returned from spain.... Putrid bags still there...flies etc....she swans off and instead asks me to help him....WTF....if that was my child I would have stood over them and made sure they put the trash in her car and took it....urrrggghhhh,!!!

So putting boundaries in place should be 'interesting'..... But sooooo needed .... I suppose I am just interested in what to do when she breaks the 'boundaries'.... I know all incidents are different and b/c of her age it is not like she can be grounded.

I am really taking on the concept of disengaging and really thank everyone for their comments on it. To me this kind of seemed 'logical'.... I had tried a form of disengagement last year but only b/c it felt like the right thing to do but I didn't really know what my own boundaries were....if that makes it's been great to read the articles and comments on how best to proceed.

Thanks again for your input .... V much appreciated

Enjoy the rest of your w/e

States75's picture

Hi StepAside......thank u for sharing your "lightbulb moment"

I totally get what you are sAing re. Making myself available...a few days before and leading up to the b/f dinner I told my SO they won't show...he was like yes they will......hmmmm. Another example she went to Uni he kept hassling me to go with them when she went....I REALLY didn' t want to go as I knew it would be "". I was right ....she took us on a 2.5 hour trip that should have taken 1 hour....b/c "she knew better" ....he wouldn't pull her up on it until I was going crazy..then she was like "it's my day ... Don't ruin my day".....then once we got there I ended up carting loads of her stuff upstairs whilst she "unpacked"....arrrggghhhh.

Believe me.... I made the decision to never bring her up in conversation a long time ago Smile Smile and for the very reason you mentioned: so that there are no arguments. But I never really knew how to handle it when he bought her up...which is quite a lot (lol)...however having read your suggestion I like that train of thought...thank u .

Your advice on treating her as 'dead' made me pee my pants......'dead people don't drive'.....and I will remember that line whenever I am waivering!!! I think I have known what I needed to do ...I just didn't know if I was being crazy by doing it and to what extent I should disengage.

Thank you for your words of wisdom....I am really grateful......having read your bio I have such admiration for you for 'dealing' with your situation for 20 years....your Dh is a v v lucky guy....and then 'a safe harbour in stormy winds ' .....beautiful